Hi, new here to posting on the forums but long time reader. I'm here to present an issue I didn't quite see a specific category for. I am a RN, graduated December, 2010. News to me was, I conceived and got pregnant about the time of graduation. I had pregnancy brain and waited a few months before I took the NCLEX, but passed after 75 questions, got licensed and looked for work. I interviewed for a few positions, but was visibly pregnant at the time and didn't get hired. At a point, I stopped looking. Fast forward to 6 weeks postpartum, I interviewed and was hired for a position in home health care, which I was thankful for at the time because of the flexible scheduling. I have been doing that ever since.
My husband worked at an environmental testing lab at the time, but got laid off when our daughter was just over a year old...leaving me with the entire burden to provide for my son (from a previous marriage) and the rest of our family. I felt a tremendous amount of stress in this role, having to quit my home care job (which was per diem paid and did not offer any health insurance benefits) to find full time employment with benefits. I found new home health employment at a TERRIBLE company, run so poorly I am suprised that CHAP even gave them the accreditation. After 6 months I left for another position with another company that worked out fairly well for a few years, but still required SO MUCH more work than a hospital staff nurse. M-F 8-5 plus on call shifts including every other weekend and rotating weeknight shifts from 5pm-8am, meaning some days, I may have to work for 24 hours, then go to work for a full 8hr shift on top of that. In the mean time, my husband promised to get a job to help make ends meet. --- 3 years later, he never followed through with that promise, never even applied or interviewed for any positions.
During that time, he decided to go to nursing school. I admit, I was dead against it when he mentioned it. He is not the "caring" type and I didn't think it would suit him (plus he is VERY much the "career de jour" type of person) and on top of that, I wanted my own identity in our relationship. I wanted to say, "go get your OWN career" but I didn't. I supported him, because that's what we do in relationships. Now, it has been nearly 6 years that I have been a nurse...dead ended in home care, tried to transition to hospice care for a change of pace, but was passed over by my company because my home care territory was too hard to staff and because "there are big shoes to fill"...I was promised a hospice position in my company but was passed over to give the position to a nurse in another geographic area because my DON threw such a fit about finding a good nurse for my area and hospice needs had to be met. I am left feeling frustrated and trapped in my situation, not wanting to take a leap of faith on another aspect of nursing because I am the sole provider, we have 2 school-age (or almost) children, and I have joint custody of my son with a weird parenting time schedule to accommodate, plus, we (I) just bought a house. I am regretfully unhappy doing the same thing over and over for the past 6 years.
I need something new! I need a challenge. I need new education to spice up my passion for nursing. Meanwhile, he has just graduated nursing school. He was offered a position in the ED before he even completed nursing school, has a badge that says RN before he has even gotten the OK to sit for the NCLEX. He started orientation is already learning and planning to learn so many things that I haven't even heard of...I feel like I have had to sacrifice my opportunity to be able to learn these things and had to accept these types of positions because I was left with the "provider" role. I was enticed with promises of him getting a job during nursing school; he never even made an attempt to get a job. On top of that, I feel resentment that I worked nearly full time, while we were dating, supporting my young son independently, all throughout my full time nursing school...and now I am left to support our 2 children and him through HIS nursing school. And because of the situation, I feel like I missed out on opportunities to learn and advance as much as he is getting right now. I have a bit of jealously and resentment with his success and my lack thereof.
I enjoy my job, but I do not feel challenged anymore...and I am finding a dissatisfaction with what I do, what I have had to do, not having the freedom and opportunity to be able to do what he is doing, and a feeling that I am somehow "less" of a nurse doing home care instead of mastering tele and getting my acls and being able to do/learn all of the things that nurses who are trained in areas such as the ED can do. Am I bat **** crazy and just need to get a grip; that I have nothing to feel this way about? Do I need to just put my big girl panties on and "man up!" ...or do I have some slight validation in how I'm feeling?
Sounds like communication is a problem here. Talk to your husband, let him know your concerns. Financially, you should be in a better spot with his job alone, leaving you to quit to look for a position that will fulfill your needs. My wife and I are both nurses. She was out of work for 2 years due to an injury, but no disability. I worked FT + OT and later worked 2 FT jobs. I did that to provide for my family and I knew she would have done the same if the roles were reversed. You did what you did for your family. You either choose to live in the past and dwell on it or look for the positive in this situation. I am a realist, it sounds like you chose to remain silent during these years, to bring up these infractions now would be petty. Let hubby know what you sacrificed and how you view your HH position, ask him to support you as you did him and to allow you to have time to interview with possibly no income. Nursing is the perfect opportunity for your kids to never need child care, but it also makes it very difficult to stick to engagements on weekends, etc. Good luck.
I honestly feel your resentment is that he got a great job off the bat, before even passing NCLEX, and you are stuck in a job you don't like. You feel after so many years, you should have that ER job and he should be working at what you consider the bottom and work his way up. Am I correct?
I honestly can understand your jealousy. I think I would feel the same way. But does that make our feelings right? Probably not. We should support and lift up our partners and soul mates. If that is what you feel your husband is.
I also think marriage counseling is in order. You have a lot of resentment. I don't think it is wrong, but for the sake of your marriage and kids, get some help from a neutral, third-party. They may be able to help you and get this sorted out.
Do you still love your husband? What I see is a boat load of resentment and a lot more than "a bit" of jealousy. I'm not saying it's not understandable, I'm not saying you are all wrong. But none of this is going to help your marriage. You two need counseling. If he won't go, go alone.
The only person who can hold you back from advancing your career, your knowledge, your marketability is you. Be happy that he has scored a job-isn't that what you've been wanting all this time? With the counselor present, tell him you feel it's your turn to develop your career. Then figure out a way to make it happen.
He has a job now. Time to focus on you and your career.
THIS. His having a job should take some burden off of you. You seem to have been very supportive to him during his unemployment/school, now it is time for him to support you. When he begins practicing as a full fledged RN, use that opportunity to explore things YOU want to do. You earned it.
I do understand some of your regrets and frustrations, because I have at least one big related one. And although it doesn't help much to say this, you're not the only one with regrets, believe me. All I can suggest, however obvious this might be, is to try to kind of take a step back, try to analyze everything you're upset with or about, and think about what you might be able to do to improve one or more of them.
^ OP is a nurse, took crappy job to support kids and hubby who got laid off. Hubby decides to enroll in nursing school. OP supported hubby in nursing school. Hubby grads said nursing school and is immediately offered an ED job prior to even NCLEX'ing. OP is resentful and wants opinions.
Sooo...I hate to be that guy, but I feel like OP got taken for a ride and kind of allowed this man to use her. Who was paying for the nursing school? Who paid the mortgage while he wasn't working? Who was putting food on the table? that was leverage she could've used. And it obviously wasn't. Nursing school is at least 2 years. if he promised to work and didn't after 1 whole year...um, where was the follow up to that promise?
I feel like you put in your years of putting your head down and getting things done. Now your husband has good employment. It's your turn to take some time on YOUR career! Tell him it's his turn to be the breadwinner for a bit while you further your education or job hunt or both.
Without another side to this story, I just fail to see much beyond the overbearing tone of resentment in your post. I have the image of a Bridezilla melting down over a frenemy choosing the same weekend for her own wedding.
You said the original agreement regarding finding work right after his layoff was ignored...that's your only leg to stand on, and the big caveat to that can't be denied...remaining layed off to go to school for a new career is potentially a very smart move.
The fact that he's not the caring type really shouldn't factor in as long as he can be professional. Additionally, as you acknowledged, partners in a relationship support one another, and I'm failing to see how you got suckered? (If I missed something like him not doing ANY childcare, household chores, etc. then that would swing the pendulum away from that statement) It was 3 years, and he's on the cusp of what I presume will be FT employment with a solid earning potential.
I personally married my spouse with the expectation of investing a whole lot more than three years towards any reasonably solid future plans, and I'll bet the majority of others did too. I would honestly feel ashamed of myself for pushing all of that personal baggage on my partner. Again, I'll concede that perhaps I missed important details in that Trump-ego-sized 1st post, haha.
If he failed the NCLEX or started his job and got fired for some reason or another, how would you feel? If the answer is good, then your relationship is in trouble and this is just how it is manifesting.
Once he's working you could always go to grad school, get your APN, then be his boss in the ED
I do feel women, more so than men, are forced to make sacrifices in careers for their family. It sounds like you did that, and that is something to be proud of, but you also need to take some responsibility for your career choices. Maybe this is the time you do that: change jobs, get out there.
A nurse is a nurse no matter what role. One is not "better" than the other.
MrNurse(x2), ADN
2,558 Posts
Sounds like communication is a problem here. Talk to your husband, let him know your concerns. Financially, you should be in a better spot with his job alone, leaving you to quit to look for a position that will fulfill your needs. My wife and I are both nurses. She was out of work for 2 years due to an injury, but no disability. I worked FT + OT and later worked 2 FT jobs. I did that to provide for my family and I knew she would have done the same if the roles were reversed. You did what you did for your family. You either choose to live in the past and dwell on it or look for the positive in this situation. I am a realist, it sounds like you chose to remain silent during these years, to bring up these infractions now would be petty. Let hubby know what you sacrificed and how you view your HH position, ask him to support you as you did him and to allow you to have time to interview with possibly no income. Nursing is the perfect opportunity for your kids to never need child care, but it also makes it very difficult to stick to engagements on weekends, etc. Good luck.