Hi, new here to posting on the forums but long time reader. I'm here to present an issue I didn't quite see a specific category for. I am a RN, graduated December, 2010. News to me was, I conceived and got pregnant about the time of graduation. I had pregnancy brain and waited a few months before I took the NCLEX, but passed after 75 questions, got licensed and looked for work. I interviewed for a few positions, but was visibly pregnant at the time and didn't get hired. At a point, I stopped looking. Fast forward to 6 weeks postpartum, I interviewed and was hired for a position in home health care, which I was thankful for at the time because of the flexible scheduling. I have been doing that ever since.
My husband worked at an environmental testing lab at the time, but got laid off when our daughter was just over a year old...leaving me with the entire burden to provide for my son (from a previous marriage) and the rest of our family. I felt a tremendous amount of stress in this role, having to quit my home care job (which was per diem paid and did not offer any health insurance benefits) to find full time employment with benefits. I found new home health employment at a TERRIBLE company, run so poorly I am suprised that CHAP even gave them the accreditation. After 6 months I left for another position with another company that worked out fairly well for a few years, but still required SO MUCH more work than a hospital staff nurse. M-F 8-5 plus on call shifts including every other weekend and rotating weeknight shifts from 5pm-8am, meaning some days, I may have to work for 24 hours, then go to work for a full 8hr shift on top of that. In the mean time, my husband promised to get a job to help make ends meet. --- 3 years later, he never followed through with that promise, never even applied or interviewed for any positions.
During that time, he decided to go to nursing school. I admit, I was dead against it when he mentioned it. He is not the "caring" type and I didn't think it would suit him (plus he is VERY much the "career de jour" type of person) and on top of that, I wanted my own identity in our relationship. I wanted to say, "go get your OWN career" but I didn't. I supported him, because that's what we do in relationships. Now, it has been nearly 6 years that I have been a nurse...dead ended in home care, tried to transition to hospice care for a change of pace, but was passed over by my company because my home care territory was too hard to staff and because "there are big shoes to fill"...I was promised a hospice position in my company but was passed over to give the position to a nurse in another geographic area because my DON threw such a fit about finding a good nurse for my area and hospice needs had to be met. I am left feeling frustrated and trapped in my situation, not wanting to take a leap of faith on another aspect of nursing because I am the sole provider, we have 2 school-age (or almost) children, and I have joint custody of my son with a weird parenting time schedule to accommodate, plus, we (I) just bought a house. I am regretfully unhappy doing the same thing over and over for the past 6 years.
I need something new! I need a challenge. I need new education to spice up my passion for nursing. Meanwhile, he has just graduated nursing school. He was offered a position in the ED before he even completed nursing school, has a badge that says RN before he has even gotten the OK to sit for the NCLEX. He started orientation is already learning and planning to learn so many things that I haven't even heard of...I feel like I have had to sacrifice my opportunity to be able to learn these things and had to accept these types of positions because I was left with the "provider" role. I was enticed with promises of him getting a job during nursing school; he never even made an attempt to get a job. On top of that, I feel resentment that I worked nearly full time, while we were dating, supporting my young son independently, all throughout my full time nursing school...and now I am left to support our 2 children and him through HIS nursing school. And because of the situation, I feel like I missed out on opportunities to learn and advance as much as he is getting right now. I have a bit of jealously and resentment with his success and my lack thereof.
I enjoy my job, but I do not feel challenged anymore...and I am finding a dissatisfaction with what I do, what I have had to do, not having the freedom and opportunity to be able to do what he is doing, and a feeling that I am somehow "less" of a nurse doing home care instead of mastering tele and getting my acls and being able to do/learn all of the things that nurses who are trained in areas such as the ED can do. Am I bat **** crazy and just need to get a grip; that I have nothing to feel this way about? Do I need to just put my big girl panties on and "man up!" ...or do I have some slight validation in how I'm feeling?
I agree with you. However, it can be pretty demoralizing for someone to dream of becoming something all of their life. Work hard to achieve that dream and then backed into a job they don't enjoy by a spouse who woke up one day and decided they wanted to do what you do. On top of that, they got a job that you dreamed of having for as long as you've wanted to be a nurse. Not to mention, this came at her expense, because she had to take a job she wasn't a fan of to make his career possible. She feels like her identity was stolen right out of from under her. She also feels complacent and frustrated, because she's been backed into an undesirable situation to make room for someone who didn't have the consideration to keep his promises. Those feelings are valid. HOWEVER, there is some personal responsibility that needs to be taken. She does not seem like she is asking for the respect she craves. That is on her. She is not putting her foot down and holding him accountable to his actions and his promises. She needs to not be such a doormat. She needs to get her own identity back. I will say I worded my response poorly. However, she does need to be reminded that while his job is a great job for a newbie nurse, he is just that... a newbie. Someone who still has a lot of learn. She took her current job to support her family, because that was what needed to be done at the time however she isn't wrong for feeling the way she feels. And it's not a bad thing for her to want him to acknowledge and validate those feelings for her. But that's a mountain to climb in counseling.
I really had to take a couple of hours to digest all that information. It would be unfair to offer advice as this diatribe is very one-sided. So yes, I agree, marriage counseling.
Sometimes the more you bend over backwards to accommodate someone and the more you sacrifice, sometimes a husband loses respect for you, especially if he knows he has behaved badly and not been called into account.
In a perfect world, we would be cherished for the sacrifices we make, but this is not that world.
Now that he has a steady job, it is your turn to follow your nursing dreams.
The OP's husband promised to get a job to help make ends meet, and 3 years later, he never even applied or interviewed for any positions! I'd be upset, too. He could have tried to find a job delivering newspapers or pizzas, anything to contribute to his family's income and take some of the burden off of his wife. Yes, I would be resentful, too.
Not to mention, this came at her expense, because she had to take a job she wasn't a fan of to make his career possible. She also feels complacent and frustrated, because she's been backed into an undesirable situation to make room for someone who didn't have the consideration to keep his promises.
Fast forward to 6 weeks postpartum, I interviewed and was hired for a position in home health care, which I was thankful for at the time because of the flexible scheduling. I have been doing that ever since.
My husband worked at an environmental testing lab at the time, but got laid off when our daughter was just over a year old.
I am sure this will be an unpopular opinion, so grab your pitchforks and torches and give me a head start.
From my read I just don't see where the OP's current career status is the fault of her husband. The OP took a job in home care as a new nurse because that is what was available at the time and the schedule worked best for her and her family, while her husband was still working. She then took two other jobs (to get benefits) but remained in home care. Did the OP try and apply for ED jobs at that time?
I also don't feel that being laid off and subsequently using that time (and ?unemployment benefits) to re-educate/re-train and self-improve into a more desirable career should be considered "inconsiderate". I think it is a great thing. He was fortunate enough and/or did well enough that he was offered a job immediately in a desirable position should be a great thing fora family rather than a burden.
Who supported the family when the OP went to school?
Boston FNP, I still see the OP as venting to an anonymous entity here rather than speaking to her husband to let him know where she stands. Then came the responses that this is somehow a competition to see who is the better nurse. There is dysfunction all over this thread, both OP and responses. No wonder marriages are crying out in death groans with attitudes like these. Is it really that difficult?
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
The OP's husband promised to get a job to help make ends meet, and 3 years later, he never even applied or interviewed for any positions! I'd be upset, too. He could have tried to find a job delivering newspapers or pizzas, anything to contribute to his family's income and take some of the burden off of his wife. Yes, I would be resentful, too.
I'm wondering if, at any time during that three years, the OP reminded him of his promise to get a job and insisted that he start looking. If he made a promise and then three years went by without any attempt on her part to hold him to it, then shame on her. Shame on HIM, too. Even without having made a promise to get a job, it seems as though a real man doesn't shuck his responsibilities to his family, but instead gets out there and takes whatever job he can to help put food on the table.
I don't blame the OP for being resentful. I probably would be as well. But resentment kills relationships, and I would urge her to get counseling. Get some individual counseling and get marriage counseling.
One of the few regrets I still harbor about my lifetime is that I spent a lot of time, emotion and hard work in marriage counseling trying to stay married to a man who ultimately proved he had no respect for me. But once I got rid of him, I never invested in any counseling to improve my own self esteem, communication or assertiveness skills. It's as though I thought the marriage was worth working on, but *I* was not. I'd urge the OP to get some individual counseling, and once she figures out what she wants, transition to marriage counseling to figure out how to get what she wants within her marriage. If she still wants her marriage. Individual counseling may help her to figure that out.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
I am sure this will be an unpopular opinion, so grab your pitchforks and torches and give me a head start.
From my read I just don't see where the OP's current career status is the fault of her husband. The OP took a job in home care as a new nurse because that is what was available at the time and the schedule worked best for her and her family, while her husband was still working. She then took two other jobs (to get benefits) but remained in home care. Did the OP try and apply for ED jobs at that time?
I also don't feel that being laid off and subsequently using that time (and ?unemployment benefits) to re-educate/re-train and self-improve into a more desirable career should be considered "inconsiderate". I think it is a great thing. He was fortunate enough and/or did well enough that he was offered a job immediately in a desirable position should be a great thing fora family rather than a burden.
Who supported the family when the OP went to school?
Perhaps the OP supported herself when she went to school because she had not yet acquired a dead beat husband and children.
Perhaps the OP supported herself when she went to school because she had not yet acquired a dead beat husband and children.
Perhaps, though is she just got pregnant as she graduated school and they have another child together I would have assumed that is not the case. But, you know what they say about assumptions...
I also don't think taking a few years to go back to school and change careers qualifies you as a "deadbeat dad". In contrast, with a good ED job, he will probably be making significantly more than he was with a more family-friendly schedule. If he lost his job in 9/2012 and has graduated NS in 9/2016, that isn't a ton of plain "idle time" to be deadbeat-qualified, at least in my opinion (which probably means nothing).
Well who wouldn't feel a little bit of resentment?
Good news is that you're NOT pigeonholed in home health.
Just assess yourself and ask yourself if you want something different because you truly crave knowledge & advancement or....... because you feel at competition with your husband.
I think this is where two nurses dating or being married can be an issue. An air of competition. You either push and help each other in a healthy manner or you both are secretly envious and competing!
There are a lot of things I'd give up before I'd give up my housecleaning service. I haven't scrubbed a toilet in 25 years, and I don't intend to do so ever again. I'd dress in rags before I'd give that service up, lol.
omg I have a question, aren't you scared of the housekeeper looking through all your personal information? Like stealing your money? I don't know I am wary of hiring a stranger to come into my house, even though 99.9% of the time, I know they are hard working and minding their own business.
I have a question, aren't you scared of the housekeeper looking through all your personal information? Like stealing your money? I don't know I am wary of hiring a stranger to come into my house, even though 99.9% of the time, I know they are hard working and minding their own business.
cherryelle07
105 Posts
I agree with you. However, it can be pretty demoralizing for someone to dream of becoming something all of their life. Work hard to achieve that dream and then backed into a job they don't enjoy by a spouse who woke up one day and decided they wanted to do what you do. On top of that, they got a job that you dreamed of having for as long as you've wanted to be a nurse. Not to mention, this came at her expense, because she had to take a job she wasn't a fan of to make his career possible. She feels like her identity was stolen right out of from under her. She also feels complacent and frustrated, because she's been backed into an undesirable situation to make room for someone who didn't have the consideration to keep his promises. Those feelings are valid. HOWEVER, there is some personal responsibility that needs to be taken. She does not seem like she is asking for the respect she craves. That is on her. She is not putting her foot down and holding him accountable to his actions and his promises. She needs to not be such a doormat. She needs to get her own identity back. I will say I worded my response poorly. However, she does need to be reminded that while his job is a great job for a newbie nurse, he is just that... a newbie. Someone who still has a lot of learn. She took her current job to support her family, because that was what needed to be done at the time however she isn't wrong for feeling the way she feels. And it's not a bad thing for her to want him to acknowledge and validate those feelings for her. But that's a mountain to climb in counseling.