How Many is Too Many

Peaches N L&D · Jun 29, 2005

How in the world can you give 16 different kids the attention they deserve and need! I think it's crazy and no matter how good of a parent you are one or two of these kids will suffer from not getting the amount of attention they need...........2 kids is best I have 4, but I think one should quit after having I'd say about................ :bugeyes: six......JMHO :)

kbclary4 · Jun 29, 2005

I do not have children, but from a sibling standpoint, I think it is too many. I have a close relationship with my sister, but if there were 10 years between us I probably wouldn't. I don't mean a nanny-type, caregiver relationship. I think the older and younger children would be missing an important part of the sibling relationship.

live4today, RN · Jun 29, 2005

This family happened to be on "The View" this morning, and they looked very happy, the kids were very clean and neatly dressed, and all were well behaved for the show. The "Mom" wants more children if she can have them, even after the 16th one is born. They have the money, the time, they can hire help if they want it, but hubby says his wife is extremely organized, and they enjoy home schooling their children. They spend about 1500 to 2000 dollars on groceries per month. Imagine that! :) The father sales commercial real estate, and they have always been debt free. The mother has her real estate license as well. They have a very deep faith in God, and believe wholeheartedly in "family". I see NOTHING wrong in their choice to live their life happy that way. They aren't bothering anyone, and they aren't feeding their family off of food stamps or welfare. They aren't in trouble with the law, they mind their own business, and they see their children as a "blessing"...not a hindrance. There's no shame in their game, and as long as they are happy about it, I'm super happy for them. :)

I would have loved to have more children, but wasn't able to healthwise. I'm considering becoming an emergency foster parent as a way for me to help the children in our country who do not have the family love that family has with their children. We should be praising them for having done it right instead of condemning them for having more than many of us wouldn't or couldn't handle as well. If one is enough for you, that's fine. If two or three is enough...so be it. But, if you want more children, and can afford and provide a loving home for those children.........God speed to you. I think it is great for them and anyone else who likes large families. They are marching to the beat of their own drummer and footing the cost to be the boss of their family, and I give them props for that.:balloons:

rn/writer, RN · Jun 29, 2005

I saw the documentary on the Duggar family and was very impressed. They seemed organized, thoughtful, diligent, and content. I'm a little surprised (though not entirely) by the disparaging comments I've been reading. Just because a family this size isn't for everyone, does that have to mean it isn't for anyone?

They reminded me of pioneer families where even the youngest children had chores that were suitable to their age and everyone understood that they had a part in the group's success.

A number of people said they thought it was unfair for the parents to keep popping out children and dumping them on the older kids via the buddy system. I couldn't disagree more. In this family, each older child is responsible for ONE younger sibling, helping them to dress and comb their hair, do household tasks, and stay with the family on outings. This is a great way to develop caring, sensitivity, kindness and patience. As for the other chores, these kids looked capable without showing any signs of stress. It didn't appear that Michelle Duggar was "dumping " anything. She was delegating, but with the understanding that she was ultimately responsible. Many children today are deprived of the opportunity to carry any kind of load until they reach the age of eighteen. Then they go away to school and blow the first semester because they have not learned how to handle work and inner discipline.

I've known families like the Duggars (none as large, I admit) and in general, they've been kind and loving people. Some can lean a little toward the "pod people" side but none of them were extreme enough for me to think they would cause their children harm. I guess I'd rather see the uniformity of the Duggars than the anarchy and chaos I see in so many other homes. I cringe at how some children speak to their parents. And I cringe again when I see grown-ups cave in to whining and temper tantrums till their kids are monsters.

Teaching your children to obey at a young age is a necessity if you want to have peaceful home. I'm not talking about turning them into mindless little zombies, cowering in fear. Rather, children need to know there are firm boundaries and fair consequences when they cross them. There can still be plenty of room for humor and creativity but kids need to know they are not the rulers of the universe. It's actually a relief for them to know that they don't have to a load that's too big for their little shoulders. And it allows all the time some families spend on endless power struggles and constant conflict to be used for constructive things.

I don't know how the Duggars will handle their kids' transitional years. I rather like the Amish practice of bringing children up "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord," until they reach young adulthood. Then the constraints are removed for a time they call Rumspringa--rough translation is "running wild." Young people sometimes move to the nearest town and indulge in whatever they choose without parental interference. Some truly do go wild. Others kick up their heels for a time and then settle down again. As might be expected, there are those who choose not to return to their communities. The ones who do are then made members of the church. This is an important part of their growing up, a way to make sure that assuming membership in the church is both informed and voluntary. The best part about this time of freedom is that it allows the young person to sort out what he truly believes out of all he's been taught. It permits the essential individuation of late adolescence without the need to throw over the traces and chuck everything. It will be interesting to see what happens as the Duggar kids mature.

I understand in theory how the Duggars system works for them, but I won't pretend I'm not a little overwhelmed at the idea of doing it myself. Nevertheless, I have great admiration for them and wish them well.

Miranda F.

JVanRN · Jun 29, 2005

It's not for me...but hey whatever floats thier boat. They seem to have a good system working and seem to be happy. Nothing wrong with that.

Lacaza3 · Jul 9, 2005

my husband comes from a family of 11....his mother was a stay at home mom...

my husband is number 10...so I asked the oldest child who is 51 now how it felt to have so many brothers and sisters...She said she loved her siblings but she got sick of her mom always being pregant because it meant another baby she had to help with...Her and the other siblings helped because the mom was only one person and not able to do everything...it just wasnt humanly possible..

she said she wish her parents would of stopped sooner...This sibling never had kids she said she got her feel raising 10 other ones...She said ultimaltley the older siblings raise the younger ones...

This is just one person perspective though

Donna In TEXAS

Editorial Team / Admin · Jul 9, 2005

Ok, I heard about this on "The View" this morning and it got me thinking. A family in Arkansas is expecting their 16th child. Picture of Mum and children getting some sort of award. Then I remembered seeing the family on one of those Baby Story type shows. They were following the pregnancy and talking about the fun family times (like going to a restaurant on kids eat free night -- the restaurant has since limited the number of kids per adult).
I remember looking after a woman who had just delivered her 10th child. Anybody else see this as a trend or does it just depend on the area?

Depends on personal preference. Area usually does not come into play, but, cultural aspects, religion, etc., do. I know for a fact that a legislator in this state used his personal family (of 10 plus children, plus another one on the way) as his platform while runnig for office. So, I suppose anything goes for anybody at anytime.

Meerkat · Jul 9, 2005

How in the world can you give 16 different kids the attention they deserve and need! I think it's crazy and no matter how good of a parent you are one or two of these kids will suffer from not getting the amount of attention they need...........2 kids is best I have 4, but I think one should quit after having I'd say about................ six......JMHO :)

My thoughts too. The Duggars seemed bizarre---they hold their own 'church service' at home with another family. The mother dresses the girls like pilgrims and it they are all like automatons. I can't believe they are having another Duggar-bot.

Where do Jim-Bob and Michelle find the time for sex? Or is that pencilled in on the giant family schedule that hangs in the kitchen?

They are like a great big Stepford-family.

Incidentally, I think it's irresponisble, from a world point of view to have that many children when so many are orphaned or abused. And the world population is exploding...it is predicted that the world can only manage 10 billion before mass starvation sets in...and we're at 6 billion and growing.

rn/writer, RN · Jul 9, 2005

I couldn't do what the Duggars are doing, but I admire them greatly.

What I find amazing is the vehemence of some reactions against these people who are doing what they believe God has asked them to do without asking for hand outs or assistance.

I'm not saying that any posters on this board have directly prompted my thoughts on this, but the level of intensity against the Duggars and their way of life reminds me of the ACLU's reaction when anyone tries to step in and limit the childbearing rights of horrible parents.

Sometimes it seems as if there is always room to defend selfish, irresponsible, and downright harmful behavior--and those who are practicing it--in the name of individual freedom and parental rights, but let someone say that they are trying to do what they believe God wants them to do and the gloves come off.

Of course, there has to be room for discussion and dissent. I am just a little disheartened that because the Duggars are doing something on such a grand scale (that few of us would even attempt), some posts seem to say that in itself means something HAS to be wrong. Or that because others had bad experiences with large families, this group can't possibly be any different.

Maybe it's a case of the wretched members of society seeming to be underdogs who need defending, or the thought of "There but for the grace of God go I." Maybe it's a defense against comparisons (I'll admit I'm a bit intimidated and chagrined when I see all that they are accomplishing). I don't know. Jim-Bob (would the reaction be any different if his name were Frank?) and Michelle Duggar and their tribe may be ticking people off because they hardly seem like underdogs. And they're not the least bit apologetic. I just get a little riled up when almost any alternative lifestyle people can dream up is accorded at least marginal tolerance but this one, which would have been considered normal a century ago, is looked at as suspect and possibly evil and destructive.

Miranda F.

Editorial Team / Admin · Jul 9, 2005

It boils down to this: it is none of our business what ANYONE does with their lives, be it within our realm of reasoning or not.

Everyone in the U.S.A. has the opportunity to be equal and do whatever they please, within the law. I do not think it is against our laws today to reproduce as desired.

SmilingBluEyes · Jul 9, 2005

I beg to differ only on one account. They make it MY business when they reach into MY pocket (and my kids' college funds/my retirement plans) to finance their way of life!

(not talking about this family, but others who are not self-sufficient, unlike them)and there are ecologic consequences to indiscrimately populating the planet.

JVanRN · Jul 10, 2005

Where do Jim-Bob and Michelle find the time for sex?

Heh...I guess with 16 kids they must be finding time for it somewhere.