How Many is Too Many

Published

Ok, I heard about this on "The View" this morning and it got me thinking. A family in Arkansas is expecting their 16th child. Picture of Mum and children getting some sort of award. Then I remembered seeing the family on one of those Baby Story type shows. They were following the pregnancy and talking about the fun family times (like going to a restaurant on kids eat free night -- the restaurant has since limited the number of kids per adult).

I remember looking after a woman who had just delivered her 10th child. Anybody else see this as a trend or does it just depend on the area?

Specializes in LTC/Behavioral/ Hospice.
I think it's too many. I've seen that show and the saddest thing I heard was the 10 year old girl saying the thing she was most excited about for the new house was the new laundry room. That isn't right.

Then pity my poor daughter (10 years old) because she was totally wowed by the fact that we finally have a basement!

The "parents" do very little in the way of parenting. Mom cares for baby for a year, then they get paired with an older "buddy", who is responsible for them. The kids clean the entire house, from laundry to cooking to the parent's bedroom. The food they eat is processed crud. (Nothing wrong with that every once in a while, but they can't afford to get lots of fresh fruits and veggies for that many)

My poor children and I rotate. I do dishes once a week and laundry once a week. For the rest of it, they are responsible. I do clean my own bedroom but wouldn't think twice of having the children do it if I needed them to. What do you thing the parents are doing while their children work? Sitting on their duffs eating bon bons. If I were a gambler, I'd bet not.

As for the food, if they are eating fruit and veggies than they are getting a lot more nutrition than many homes with 1 or 2 children in them. I grew up on canned and frozen veggies and fruit. It's not size of families but the choices they make that is the very serious problem for many families in the U.S.

They are scary fundies, will not allow their children to date (they arrange marriages) and hit their children to get them to behave. Where's the independant thought? Where's the creativity? Where's the individualism?

Ok, I guess fundamentalism can be scary. As for them not allowing their children to date, how is this dangerous? There is a growing belief among some people that dating has not been such a good idea and that maybe it's a better idea to stick to group dating until it becomes serious, then allowing chaperoned "alone" time and so on, allowing more freedom as the relationship grows. I tend to believe this is not a harmful thing in the least. And it isn't the same thing as not allowing the children to choose their own partners.

Hit their children? Strong accusation. Could you please site your source? How are they hiding this? This family is very exposed. If they are beating their kids, someone needs to know it, don't you think?

As for the individualism and creativity... how do you know, based on a few minutes of television time that those things are being squelched. Is every child who embraces their parents teaching being robbed of their creativity and individuality?

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Specializes in CCRN, CNRN, Flight Nurse.

Amen!!!!

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I didn't start this as an attack on the Duggar Family's way of life. Just a question re the trend in some areas for extra large families.

I went to the family website and honestly it was an eyeopener. Birth control pills cause miscarriages, be submissive to your husband, keep the house tidy. "Diapers to driver's ed" was one quote in describing their family.

Every family is different in their own way. The thing I found scary about this family is the complete family domination by "Daddy".

Why are all the children named with the first letter "J" is it a coincidence that Daddy's first name is John?

Don't all flame me on this, if they're happy so be it. But its almost like they take a perverse pride in their lifestyle. I'm all for living debt free, but we can't all make money from real estate investments and be around a fair bit of time to help with the every growing brood.

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I'd be interested in viewing their website. There were some questions that weren't covered on the TV show.

Personally, I don't agree with Ezzo parenting, and it's sad to think there are so many kids (just in that family) that have been put through that. But I suppose there are plenty of people who don't agree with my AP style of parenting.

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I'd be interested in viewing their website. There were some questions that weren't covered on the TV show.

Personally, I don't agree with Ezzo parenting, and it's sad to think there are so many kids (just in that family) that have been put through that. But I suppose there are plenty of people who don't agree with my AP style of parenting.

http://www.jimbob.info/ There ya go.....the duggar family website...and his first name is Jim Bob, not John.......:p And check out his wife's early pic, compared to her latest family pic.... her looks have reallllly changed...

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I'm the oldest of six kids because of a death and remarriage in the family. When I was a sophmore in HS my half-sister was born. Then two half brothers were born in my junior and senior year. This was tough on me as I changed the diapers, did the laundry, cooked, etc. etc. I did not have the normal teenagers life because I had to look after the youngsters. I was the live-in nanny. I couldn't wait to get the heck out of there. I put myself through college, bought my own car, and lived my own life without help from my parents. I do not have or want kids now because I feel that I have already raised them. With the exception of my brother, the others received more financial help from my parents concerning college, being allowed to participate in sports, the prom, and other extracurcicular activities. Needles to say I feel like the ugly step child because I didn't have much of a life when I was younger because I was busy raising the kids. I feel sorry for these kids in large families because they than become the parents and caretakers of the younger members of the household. I too wonder if their emotional needs are being met. I know that mine weren't.

Fuzzy

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Specializes in Telemetry, Case Management.

Well, as the oldest of two children, and the mother of five, plus we had eleven foster children during the time our oldest two were 12-21, I have to say there are always pluses and minuses to both types of families (small and large).

My mom only had us two, six years apart, and my nurturing and emotional needs being met stopped when my sister was born. Mom couldn't handle even two kids. Not bad mouthing her, God rest her soul, but its the truth.

I had three kids with ex dh, married my DH, adopted his two kids which gave us kids aged 5,5,4,3 and 2, (currently ages 24, 24, 23, 22 and 21). We thought long and hard about this marriage, mixing it up with so many kids, could we make it? would the kids resent it? can we afford it - I certainly couldn't afford to work with the price of daycare until they were mostly in school.

But we did it. The only thing we disagreed on was whether or not to have one together. At times I still wish we had, but other times I'm so glad we didn't (like now if we had it would be early teens and the others are grown, and I am glad we decided against it).

Yes our kids did chores. Yes our kids had to go to work as teenagers and buy their won cars and insurance and gas. Yes our kids have had to get scholarships and grants and loans to go to college.

BUT we had chores as kids ourselves. I didn't even own my own car until after I was married. I had to find my own college financing just coming from a two child home, as did DH. And our kids have a sense of family loyalty and support for their siblings that far outpaces any that DH has with his sister, and that I didn't have with my sister until we were grown.

I went to the Duggars' home page. He's in politics, so that's probably where some of the income comes from. The only thing I saw on the page I didn't like is the "blanket training" which is Ezzo/Pearl philosophy. They say they believe in spanking. So did I. I don't know that I would do it now, but my kids lived through it, and my oldest son credits a good spanking at the right time with keeping him on the right path now that he's grown, and he did try more than once to go the wrong way.

The older girls cook the meals. Well there's nothing wrong with that either. My oldest girl hated to cook, so my middle girl started cooking supper on nights I worked (3 a week) when she was about 8 or 9 - mostly oven meals (put this and that and the other thing in dishes and bake), and she did a superb job.

We did a lot of those things, hand me downs, color coded socks, etc. We also had one day a week during summer vacations that was Mom and me - I took one kid on my off day and we did whatever they wanted to do, museums, comic book store, movie, picnic, whatever. At Christmas, besides the usual festivities (which for several years included horse and sleigh rides at Grandma's), the girls (and boys if they wanted to go) would go to the Nutcracker with me and the boys (no girls ever wanted to go to this) would go to a pro football or semi-pro hockey game with Dad.

I made it my priority to try to meet their emotional needs, and I learned quickly as they became teens NEVER to act shocked by anything they told me, I treated it as a serious issue, and they learned they could come tell mom anything and she wouldn't freak out and would try to give them sensible, moral advice, or even just listen if that's what they needed. I had very little of my emotional needs met in my small original family and I determined early on that would NOT happen to my own kids.

A large family, that has the desire to provide properly for its children can teach those children responsibility and family loyalty in a way that is often not found nowadays. And again, here I am speaking of a family such as the Duggars, not your welfare queens who raise more of the same.

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Small family or large family, there are pros and cons. Here is what I judge a family on:

Love and care for each child

Teaching responsibility (and yes that could mean laundry and cleaning!!)

Taking care of your family on your own dime barring unforseen circumstances, I think we can all be ready to judge those getting public assisstance but loss of a job, illness, disability can hit anyone anytime.

Teaching respect

Providing the necessities of life does not include cars, cell phones, college, weddings, trips etc....

Anyone can put themselves through college while working, there is public transportation and land lines. If you are ready to get married then you should be ready to pay for your wedding if your parents are unable or unwilling to do so.

All of these things can be given to kid but should never be expectations by kids. While we have given things to our children they are very aware of the value of these things and are very very grateful for everything that they receive. It is a very rare occasion that we even go to McDonalds without my kids saying thanks for taking us out.

It is not the size of the family it is the way they are parented and the ability of the parents to do a good job.

My mom and dad had six kids, we had few luxuries, one car, no help with college and very little with weddings. I always felt that their kids were the most important things in their lives. I never felt deprived. My fondest memories are trips around our state, not luxurious vacations. My siblings are all close to one another. My mom has six kids and spouses, 16 grandchildren and sometimes friends over for dinner 2-3 times per month.

Love is the most important thing that is needed for a family.

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Small family or large family, there are pros and cons. Here is what I judge a family on:

Love and care for each child

Teaching responsibility (and yes that could mean laundry and cleaning!!)

Taking care of your family on your own dime barring unforseen circumstances, I think we can all be ready to judge those getting public assisstance but loss of a job, illness, disability can hit anyone anytime.

Teaching respect

Providing the necessities of life does not include cars, cell phones, college, weddings, trips etc....

Anyone can put themselves through college while working, there is public transportation and land lines. If you are ready to get married then you should be ready to pay for your wedding if your parents are unable or unwilling to do so.

All of these things can be given to kid but should never be expectations by kids. While we have given things to our children they are very aware of the value of these things and are very very grateful for everything that they receive. It is a very rare occasion that we even go to McDonalds without my kids saying thanks for taking us out.

It is not the size of the family it is the way they are parented and the ability of the parents to do a good job.

My mom and dad had six kids, we had few luxuries, one car, no help with college and very little with weddings. I always felt that their kids were the most important things in their lives. I never felt deprived. My fondest memories are trips around our state, not luxurious vacations. My siblings are all close to one another. My mom has six kids and spouses, 16 grandchildren and sometimes friends over for dinner 2-3 times per month.

Love is the most important thing that is needed for a family.

Well said!

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
i think the biggest problem with having that many children is that the older ones don't get to be kids. i work with a woman who was the oldest of 8, bye the age of 9 she was doing dishes, ironing, and changing diapers.. while she has gotten over being angry with her parents, she said she would never do that to her kids. that is my biggest concern with big familes.. i am from a family of 4 and being the oldest i of course was expected to help, but not to the extent of having no life like my coworker... i just think you should consider the quality of life of your children before you have that many.

i'm one of two and didn't get to be a kid, either. i was doing the laundry and ironing, cooking, dishes and milking cows twice a day by the time i was 11. as i got older, i added in shopping, hauling feed, making hay and other farm chores. i worked like hell to get to college, and paid for it all on my own (financial aid and 1-3 jobs at a time all through school). i don't think having 16 kids is a good thing, but quality of life is not totally dependent upon how large the family is!

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I think it's great if people can afford to take care of that many children without the help of the government, I didn't actually see the View. But also I can see how there may not be the emotional support needed. My mother has 1 brother and 1 sister and she loves it because the three of them are really close. I have 3 younger sister and there is a 12 year age gap we are still really close too.

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Specializes in midwifery, NICU.
I graduated with a boy who was the baby of 18 children. The oldest graduated a year or two before my mom and the baby with me. This family was very close and they didn't take a penny from the system. I think that if a couple want to have many children and they can support them then good for them. We have 3 boys and like another poster said we get looks from people like we have 3 heads. As far as giving children what they NEED, what they need is not a new car or designer clothes. They NEED love, support, food, shelter, and a strong foundation to grow up on. Yes college is important, and I am sure that they will find a way to provide it. I am all for giving my kids what I think they would like, but hubby and I have talked about it and many children we have seen(family) who grew up with all that they want have little idea of how they got it. I am by no means saying that all children who get new cars and wear designer clothes are like this. I just think that children from larger families have more of an idea about sacrfice and making due. More power to them and I pray that all of their children grow up happy and healthy.

Here, peer pressure is all important! As a mum of three teenagers, I know that they need the loving supportive environment we have given them, but they also NEED to feel part of the crowd they run with. I had three children as we can afford to provide them with all that they need, financially and emotionally, but even one more would rock the boat. 16 children is just irresponsible, not to mention what this has done to this poor womans body!. Sorry, I don't agree with your more power to them view, I think it's sad!

:crying2:

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