How do you deal with know-it-all family members?

Jedrnurse, BSN, RN · Nov 26, 2018

Well, I'd pick my battles and let it go in one ear and out the other. Unless you want to go to the mat about it, she won't change. (Even if you do confront her, you'll just end up with bad blood for your troubles.)

Now if she gives out patently wrong advice, and people are foolish enough to do a healthcare consult with a hairdresser, that's a more ethically challenging situation...

**CalicoKitty, BSN, MSN, RN** · Nov 26, 2018

Well, you could take the easy way out and just get a divorce and not have to deal with her...

Some people really don't know when they are overstepping their knowledge or giving unsolicited advice. I'd probably just ignore it with an "okay", and try to change the subject. If she feels attacked when given accurate or conflicting (to her belief) information, chances are she'll just ignore or fight your baseless (!) ideas.

Pick your battles. I'd change the subject.

StephaneeD27 · Nov 26, 2018

I'll be sure to remember that option!

Thank you both for the quick responses! I think I'm just going to let it go, as you recommended.

mtmkjr, BSN · Nov 26, 2018

At what stage of life are you? As in, just beginning this relationship, or long down the road?

Where ever you are, just smile, say, "Interesting, I've never heard that" and change the subject. That's what I've had to do.

I'm married nearly 30 years with a MIL who will hoard antibiotics to use them as needed... doesn't complete a round, so she always has some sitting around. Early on, I tried to point out what a bad idea that was, using simple explanations (one only has her attention for a few short words...), but she never cared to listen. Over the years, I've learned that she uses me only to validate what she already believes to be true. I just don't let it bother me anymore, and just focus on the good.

meanmaryjean, DNP, RN · Nov 26, 2018

I'm guessing her advice extends beyond that related to healthcare. Busybody meddlers are gonna meddle.

StephaneeD27 · Nov 26, 2018

Thanks, mtmkjr! We've been together for 13 years, married for 6. I'm still not comfortable with confrontation with my MIL. I know she means well, she just loves to be the one who has the answer.

Another distant family member arrived at a gathering over the summer. She had skin cancer removed and we were all told in a casual conversation. We were in shock to find out just then. My MIL shows no compassion and quickly says, "Is it basal cell? I bet it's basal cell." Really? She had to ask?

When I was in the operating room having a C-section, my MIL couldn't help but tell the story about someone she knows who died during a C-section in the waiting room while my husband and mother were in there. We both made it, luckily, and my mother almost killed my MIL. ha.

There are just so many instances.

Editorial Team / Moderator · Nov 26, 2018

Nod and smile, nod and smile. I have given up trying to tell my MIL that I am not going to shmear myself in coconut oil daily or chug apple cider vinegar to cure any illness I might have now or ever. I have, however, stopped allowing knick-knack gifts as I try to declutter my life (see the "How Much Junk Do You Keep?" thread). She tried to send me home with some stuff this weekend, and I put my foot down.

nursej22, MSN, RN · Nov 26, 2018

My eldest sister is full of advice, mostly on things she knows nothing about, or just enough to be dangerous. She was always there with child-rearing advice as my kids grew up, even though she had no children of her own. She attended once a conference on long-term care insurance, and was suddenly an expert on dementia and Alzheimer disease. She gives out lots of financial advice, while always in debt.

I have just learned to to let in run in one ear and out the other. I know she means well, but it can be exhausting.

CharleeFoxtrot, BSN, RN · Nov 26, 2018

Nod and smile, nod and smile. I have given up trying to tell my MIL that I am not going to shmear myself in coconut oil daily or chug apple cider vinegar to cure any illness I might have now or ever.

I have an aunt who is the same. Big into herbals, and always offering some treatment du jour. I think this week it's horny goat weeds or something like that. I just smile and nod.

psu_213, BSN, RN · Nov 26, 2018

Now if she gives out patently wrong advice, and people are foolish enough to do a healthcare consult with a hairdresser, that's a more ethically challenging situation...

I would definitely say ignore her, and do your own thing.

As for the quote above, hopefully the other family members are smart enough to realize that they should not be getting their medical advice from a hairdresser (or, really, from anyone who is not their personal physician(s)). Again, until she actually tells someone that she has medical training, ignore her.

DowntheRiver · Nov 26, 2018

Do you have a chronic condition, like an autoimmune condition or the like? I ask because you mentioned nerve pain and headaches. That will somewhat dictate my response. Because people don't understand chronic disabling conditions in people who otherwise look well, even family members. I receive unsolicited health advice from family members about "just back pain" (actually Ankylosing Spondylitis) all the time. It was a hot topic at Thanksgiving this year. My in-laws still haven't acknowledged that I had cancer 10 years ago and my husband and I have been married 7 years!

When offered unsolicited health advice from my mom or in-laws, I just nod my head, smile, and try to politely change the subject as quickly as possible. There's no point in trying to change their mind and it keeps our relationship on good terms. If I hear them giving poor medical advice to someone, often I will circle back to that person and just make sure they aren't going to do anything crazy, like abruptly stop their diabetes medications and start apple cider vinegar daily as was once suggested by my in-laws.