Hopefully this helps. . . struggling with getting past this failure

[strugglingRN2017]

So a friend suggested I post this after suggesting I write it.

I am getting desperate and hoping that someone can tell me how to feel or where to go. Thanks.

Dear first nursing manager,

Did you even care? Was the person, the new grad nurse sitting in front of you even regarded as a human being with thoughts and feelings?

Did it matter to you that I was pregnant and was trying to hold on to my first nursing job so that my baby and my family was supported and proud of me? Did you realize I had no where else to go, that I couldn't just take another position in the system because I hadn't been in that job long enough? I know you did but you didn't care.

You didn't care that you were taking a person with a lot of personal passion for what they were doing and destroying them.

Now a year later I am close to getting out of nursing all together because every time I feel un-confident about what I am doing I hear your voice in my mind saying " You screw up, you can't do it, you can't handle it, you never will"

Do you know that I tried again and that the biggest reason I think I was deemed not ready for that job too was that I was terrified of failing again? That at the smallest mistake it snowballs for me into that I will never be able to handle it?

When I look back I know the material, but I get super anxious and can't think, can't perform, because I hear your voice, I can't shrug it off, it pervades into my mind and my thinking. You have become my inner dialog that says "Your just a basic nurse, you won't ever be able to handle anything higher acuity, which makes you worthless in this profession. See you made a mistake, you forgot to take in all your supplies, that equals poor time management. See you can't answer what you need to do next on the spot when asked (even if I know, being asked just makes me feel like I am on trial and makes me super anxious).

I was so looking forward to working when I left nursing school. I was smart never had a single hiccup in school. If you had told me this is where I would be in a year, ready to give up I wouldn't have believed it. I have watched my friends succeed and go on better jobs, not me I am just stuck. . . with you in my head. . .

Do you care what you have done to me, do you?

[Triddin]

I am truely sorry you are feeling this way. The nurse manager doesn't sound like she handled letting you go very professionally. Have you considered counselling or therapy? It sounds like you are carrying this "advice" and have internalized it to the point of self detriment. While you can't change what happened, you can change your reaction and how you respond to this event.

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

Good that you got that off your chest. It was very well said.

No, that nursing manager did not and will not give a rat's patooti about YOU, you are not a person.. you are their commodity. Most of them do not care about anything, but the corporate bottom dollar.

I would say.. pick yourself up.. and dust yourself off. But, thinking you need professional counseling.. to move on.

Best wishes, please feel free to PM me.. I have been there, done that.

[kaylee.]

I felt for you reading this post, as i have a similar disposition and was kindof "scarred" by words from my first job. I worked for a year with this idea of my "inherent inadequacy" in the back of my head for every little thing. Then one day it hit me like a mac truck: it wasnt true! I had plenty of positive feedback to disprove it but for some reason my anxiety was in charge for so long! It was sad that I believed that my crappy motor skills that made me drop a supply made me bad, made me less than...

So you are not alone but you will have to discover that same thing. You have things to offer once you start believing it!

Once you realize this you can discover what these things are! Hang in there and shame on your manager for saying words to people and never giving them a thought! Guess what? Sucks to be her! She lacks in ways that make HER not so great at her role. She just never has to deal with the burden and the blessing of self reflection!

[martymoose, BSN, RN]

Yup, were just numbers and warm bodies. I blame nursing schools for not showing us this is what nursing actually is.its disgusting.

I'm sorry OP

[Orion81RN]

Counseling, and finding the RIGHT counselor for me, has done WONDERS for my self confidence. I would take this suggestion very seriously from others and myself.

This manager has beat you down, and NO ONE deserves that. IF you learn to recognize your strengths each and every time, you will certainly show her one day. And most importantly, yourself.

[heron, ASN, RN]

All of the advice given so far is excellent. Here's the part that might get me flamed, however: the workplace is not a therapy group. While it sounds like your manager was unnecessarily harsh, s/he is not under any obligation to be therapeutic, either. That's what therapists are for and why outside counseling to address your anxiety and lack of confidence is a great idea.

Once I understood that I had to be responsible for my own emotional reactions to my job and the effect they had on my ability to do it well, I was able to hear negative - even deliberately hurtful - feedback in a whole other way. As the 12-steppers say: take what you need and leave the rest.

[SnickerDoodle_RN]

I am sorry you had a bad experience with your first boss. It is truly disheartening that someone can indifferently crush the confidence and aspirations of a new RN. I had a difficult time with my first job and I decided to take a break and work in home health. This allowed me to expand my competency and confidence. I still struggle with my confidence to this day. Hope this help!

[Daisy4RN]

I too am sorry for your bad experience. Very good advice here so far. Even though your manager might have handled the situation better it is not their responsibility to "care for you" and even though it might be nice, most will not. It is a dog eat dog world out there and now you now. I also think it is a good idea for some counseling so you can move past this and continue on in your career. This is not the end of the world or your career!! You have worked very hard to get this far and there is no need to stop now. It is not easy sometimes when our expectations do not meet reality. Work through those feelings and just keep going. Even if it's true that you are not cut out for high acuity work (but at this point I wouldn't say that) there are plenty of other types of nursing jobs out there. Just keep moving forward, you can do this!! Good luck!

[TriciaJ, RN]

There are ****heads in every profession and it sounds like your first manager was the grand-poobah-vezir-wahoo. Do not allow these people to be responsible for your mental health or your career success. When you're already lacking in confidence and someone steps on you like that, it can be hard to bounce back. But it can be done.

Think about all the people who are currently working as nurses. Is every one of them smarter than you? Not likely. Try to find a nice low-acuity job and then get really good at it. Whoever you're providing care for will be just as deserving as someone with a higher acuity situation. You'll be gradually replacing a really bad experience with a whole lot of little good experiences. Eventually the balance tips.

At some point in the future you'll think back to your dismal failure of a manager (she really is the one who's failing at what she does, even if the consequences are slow to catch up) and wonder why you would take someone like that seriously. She's pathetic. You don't have to be. Hang in there.

[Neats, BSN]

To have someone give you this much sorrow is so very sad. One the other hand I would not allow a person that much control over my emotions.

You sound like a wonderful new nurse who needs mentoring to become an even better nurse. I would apply to future jobs but let them know I want a good mentor-one who can be a sponge and soak everything up and will take the time so I learn right.

If you quit you may look back on this and have regrets. Just learn what you like and dislike about learning and move forward.

[Leader25, ASN, BSN, RN]

Listen girl time to wise up and develop inner strength,thick skin and deafness,no one stupid manager controls your career,destiny whatever.You need to go to a counselor for some short term therapy,you worked for a witch ,now is time to get over it.You will find another job,sometimes where you least expect it.Go to an agency and pick and be choosy about what your mental health can tolerate, many jobs out there.I can count on one hand the great nurse managers I have encountered.I have faith in you.