strugglingRN2017

So a friend suggested I post this after suggesting I write it. I am getting desperate and hoping that someone can tell me how to feel or where to go. Thanks. Dear first nursing manager, Did you even care? Was the person, the new grad nurse sitting in front of you even regarded as a human being with thoughts and feelings? Did it matter to you that I was pregnant and was trying to hold on to my first nursing job so that my baby and my family was supported and proud of me? Did you realize I had no where else to go, that I couldn't just take another position in the system because I hadn't been in that job long enough? I know you did but you didn't care. You didn't care that you were taking a person with a lot of personal passion for what they were doing and destroying them. Now a year later I am close to getting out of nursing all together because every time I feel un-confident about what I am doing I hear your voice in my mind saying " You screw up, you can't do it, you can't handle it, you never will" Do you know that I tried again and that the biggest reason I think I was deemed not ready for that job too was that I was terrified of failing again? That at the smallest mistake it snowballs for me into that I will never be able to handle it? When I look back I know the material, but I get super anxious and can't think, can't perform, because I hear your voice, I can't shrug it off, it pervades into my mind and my thinking. You have become my inner dialog that says "Your just a basic nurse, you won't ever be able to handle anything higher acuity, which makes you worthless in this profession. See you made a mistake, you forgot to take in all your supplies, that equals poor time management. See you can't answer what you need to do next on the spot when asked (even if I know, being asked just makes me feel like I am on trial and makes me super anxious). I was so looking forward to working when I left nursing school. I was smart never had a single hiccup in school. If you had told me this is where I would be in a year, ready to give up I wouldn't have believed it. I have watched my friends succeed and go on better jobs, not me I am just stuck. . . with you in my head. . . Do you care what you have done to me, do you?