this hit too close to home...

[leslie :-D]

and i am still trembling...

and learned something very scary about myself today.

my mil died in 9/09.

dad, who lives in a ltc facility, has naturally been profoundly depressed, and only wants to spend his days in bed.

so my husband comes home yesterday, telling me that dad is going to be eval'd for hospice next week.

now, i know he has not been losing weight, and to my knowledge, has not had any new/serious dx.

my sister-in-law, who is poa, announced she is having the folks who cared for mom, eval dad as well.

i keep on asking "why? why?"

i also ask, "is he on antidepressants? has he had a psych consult?"

hubby doesn't know...

BUT calmly states they will give him morphine til he dies.

the family is on board with this, since they want to see dad with mom, once again.

by this time i am yelling," but that is MURDER!!!"

and knowing there are hospice agencies that are highly unscrupulous, i am in genuine panic.

i insist on talking to the cn at the ltc facility, but hubby is skeptical, since i have made a few, very vocal stinks over the years that have upset the family.

one time when mom was in a 'leading' hospital, she got a massive stage iv decub that resulted in her needing myoplasty.

i had called up the cno at this hospital and threatened to sue their sorry a$$es off.

sister-in-law/poa was very upset with me, since she was "good friends" with lots of these folks at the hospital.

when mom was receiving hospice services, she was being very poorly managed and i didn't hesitate to let the nurse know.

as a result, i ended up taking over most of her care. (she would only take meds for me)

hubby reluctantly calls the ltc facility, with me on the other line.

he asks the questions that i have, w/the cn ending up addressing my concerns.

yes, dad has been on antidepressants, has gotten numerous psych consults, but evidentally, has been aspirating on foods, even after diet being changed to puree.

so today they are getting all the directives in order (dnr, dnh, no-fdg tube), and will have hospice eval next week.

siblings have been going in and basically, force-fdg his meals, which have resulted in sev'l hospitalizations r/t asp pneumonia.

what bothers me the most, is today i totally know i would have called authorities, IF he had received hospice illegitimately.

i was so distraught, i pm'd an admin on here, eliciting guidance/feedback.

and i am still shaking, knowing that ultimately in my heart, this would have been highly illegal and i couldn't let dad die unless there was a physiological basis.

so now, i know dad will soon be with mom once again.

and i know that my 23 yr marriage will not end, since i didn't have to notify those in authority.

thank you, dear God.

it really is terrifying to know that i'd be capable of doing what is right, even knowing the devastating consequences...

and am so very grateful, it didn't come to that.

thank you for listening.

leslie

[MiahMSN, MSN, RN]

Prayers lifted for you and your family. This is a tough time and with the added stress, conflicts and disaggreements will arise - it's natural because everyone is stressed. Just try and remember that you all love your fil and want him to be most comfortable....and you guys still need to be there for each other as well.

*Sending you cyber hugs and postive energy to lift your spirts!!!

[leslie :-D]

it is not easy to be the daughter in law who has the knowledge and expertise to be alarmed and concerned. Praises to your dh for recognizing your concern for what it is...even if you may have raised your voice.

i guess it threw me off that "knowledge and expertise" had to applied, re killing someone w/o a terminal dx.

my sil and i have butted heads for years.

she is a woman with lots of friends/connections, and receives many favors from those in power.

so when i've challenged her in the past (since she makes the med'l decisions), no one else will stand up to her.

when my mil got her massive stage iv, i hit the roof (my temper scares sometimes).

and when hubby tried to dissuade me from "making a scene", i called her up and called her a stupid b-word...

and 'how dare you' not defend your mother when she has been dangerously harmed.

and when mom was receiving so-called hospice care (another one of my sil's buddies), my mil shared concerns with only me- none of her kids, so i challenged the nurse when she visited, which ticked sil off as well.

yeah, i've gone off on her more than once.

my mil and i were incredibly, incredibly close, and sometimes i lose it when a loved one has been harmed.

no, i'm certainly not proud of how i've handled things, but will continue to voice my concerns...

only more gently (i keep trying).

my husband really had no choice but to 'let me' intervene, since he knows i would've done it, with or w/o his permission.

and yes, i am seeing dad tomorrow and will continue keeping a close eye on him.

we are also very close, and am soooo appreciative i've had them in my life.

leslie

[mustlovepoodles, RN]

What a difficult dilemma! I find that as a daughter-in-law I have to weigh my words carefully. MIL is in LTC and DSIL is her main care-taker. Their whole family is very uninformed where medical things go, like it's all some sort of mysterious voodoo magic. They believe the doctor is the last authority and they NEVER question a thing. They don't know what meds they're on or what their for. Scary. They look up to me as a personal family resource but they don't call me for my opinion on things and I don't give advice unless I am asked. It's very easy for the main care-taker to feel that their actions are being questioned *which they are!* but I don't want to alienate them or set off World War 3.

I feel for you, OP. I'm glad you waited until you had all your information so you didn't go off on someone needlessly. I think these elderly folks do get to a point where they're just tired of living. Especially recently widowed men. Who wouldn't be depressed if your body was failing,you hurt all over, your spouse just died, you're living in a place not your home, people are telling you when to eat and what to do all day long, you can't just go take a hike unless someone comes and gets you. You have no freedom or independence. Heck, I'm getting depressed just thinking about it!

Hugs to you. As long as he's not being neglected and nothing shady is going on, I'd probably take a step back and let his children be in charge. I know, hard to do. But it might improve things for you a bit.

[leslie :-D]

Hugs to you. As long as he's not being neglected and nothing shady is going on, I'd probably take a step back and let his children be in charge. I know, hard to do. But it might improve things for you a bit.

wise advice, mlp.

while i'll be visiting often, i do intend to step back.

no reason to do otherwise.

leslie

[Scrubby]

What a horrible situation your in Leslie. I really hope that things turn out for the best. Take care.

[NurseLoveJoy88, ASN, RN]

Prayers for you and your family. I had to advocate for one of my pts. One time. The doc and hospice almost murdered her by writing morphine for atc and this lady was no where near death or in any pain. Its sad...

[LesMonsterRN, ADN, RN]

Hugs to you, Leslie.

[~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN]

Leslie, I am not understanding some of this, I am sure it will come in time when I know more about end of life care, but I just wanted to lend some support and tell you I am very sorry for what you are going through and will be praying for you and your family :)

[Batman25]

I'm so sorry that your FIL is so ill, Leslie. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. I'm glad your FIL has someone like you advocating on his behalf. It seems unbelievably necessary in this situation.

It seems the family is more concerned about outward appearances and connections than they are their family. That is sad in more ways than I can count. It's pathetic that they don't even see it but to do so it would have to be about someone else and not themselves.

Your situation hits home right now even though the one I'm dealing with as an in-law isn't health related. I need to look at your strength and start to really speak up. TY for sharing. Hugs.

[dura_mater]

Leslie,

My heart goes out to you during this difficult time....

I think your in-laws are amazingly blessed to have such a strong, intelligent & loving dil as you.

(((HUGS))) :redbeathe

[Lisa, MA]

Mental anguish is just as devestating as physical dysfunction. Sometimes, we just have to let go when someone wants to die. I say this because I've been in you shoes. I know what its like to want our loved ones to continue on...but there comes a point where you just have to accept that they are done. Isn't it more loving and dignified to let them choose when and where?

My mother is ESRF. She is on daily dialysis. We had this discussion several weeks ago with her. We let her know in no uncertain terms, that when she has had enough, she can stop dialysis. She knows that death will come shortly after. I am greatful that we have a physician compassionate enough to have given her this option.

[cherrybreeze, ADN, RN]

My mother is ESRF. She is on daily dialysis. We had this discussion several weeks ago with her. We let her know in no uncertain terms, that when she has had enough, she can stop dialysis. She knows that death will come shortly after. I am greatful that we have a physician compassionate enough to have given her this option.

My grandpa was on the verge of that choice, also (with the family's support). RIGHT before he was going to decide that he'd had his last dialysis, his body decided for him, and he couldn't tolerate his runs any longer (wonder if that is related, but anyway). It is a similar situation, I suppose, since stopping dialysis will knowingly end in death. It's a little different, however, than willfully giving morphine to the point of causing death...one is by omission, one is by action (am I explaining that well enough?).

Either way, it's a terrible decision to have to make. All the best to you and your mother as well, Lisa, that you both be at peace with that decision, when she makes it.