this hit too close to home...

[leslie :-D]

and i am still trembling...

and learned something very scary about myself today.

my mil died in 9/09.

dad, who lives in a ltc facility, has naturally been profoundly depressed, and only wants to spend his days in bed.

so my husband comes home yesterday, telling me that dad is going to be eval'd for hospice next week.

now, i know he has not been losing weight, and to my knowledge, has not had any new/serious dx.

my sister-in-law, who is poa, announced she is having the folks who cared for mom, eval dad as well.

i keep on asking "why? why?"

i also ask, "is he on antidepressants? has he had a psych consult?"

hubby doesn't know...

BUT calmly states they will give him morphine til he dies.

the family is on board with this, since they want to see dad with mom, once again.

by this time i am yelling," but that is MURDER!!!"

and knowing there are hospice agencies that are highly unscrupulous, i am in genuine panic.

i insist on talking to the cn at the ltc facility, but hubby is skeptical, since i have made a few, very vocal stinks over the years that have upset the family.

one time when mom was in a 'leading' hospital, she got a massive stage iv decub that resulted in her needing myoplasty.

i had called up the cno at this hospital and threatened to sue their sorry a$$es off.

sister-in-law/poa was very upset with me, since she was "good friends" with lots of these folks at the hospital.

when mom was receiving hospice services, she was being very poorly managed and i didn't hesitate to let the nurse know.

as a result, i ended up taking over most of her care. (she would only take meds for me)

hubby reluctantly calls the ltc facility, with me on the other line.

he asks the questions that i have, w/the cn ending up addressing my concerns.

yes, dad has been on antidepressants, has gotten numerous psych consults, but evidentally, has been aspirating on foods, even after diet being changed to puree.

so today they are getting all the directives in order (dnr, dnh, no-fdg tube), and will have hospice eval next week.

siblings have been going in and basically, force-fdg his meals, which have resulted in sev'l hospitalizations r/t asp pneumonia.

what bothers me the most, is today i totally know i would have called authorities, IF he had received hospice illegitimately.

i was so distraught, i pm'd an admin on here, eliciting guidance/feedback.

and i am still shaking, knowing that ultimately in my heart, this would have been highly illegal and i couldn't let dad die unless there was a physiological basis.

so now, i know dad will soon be with mom once again.

and i know that my 23 yr marriage will not end, since i didn't have to notify those in authority.

thank you, dear God.

it really is terrifying to know that i'd be capable of doing what is right, even knowing the devastating consequences...

and am so very grateful, it didn't come to that.

thank you for listening.

leslie

[leslie :-D]

((((((((Leslie))))))))

My prayers are with you and your loved ones as you face yet another extraordinarily difficult life challenge. You are strong, yes, but even the strongest woman has her limits.......don't let yours be exceeded. :hug:

thanks, marla.

no, the challenge is over, since i now know he's aspirating and hospice will be legit.

and of course i am deeply saddened, but no longer distraught.

leslie

[RN1982]

*hugs for Leslie*

[twentytenRN]

yes, dad has asked my husband "to take care of it" so he can be with his wife.

when hubby asked him to clarify, dad said, "you know damn well what i'm talking about" and "stop asking so many questions".

the difference being, i've seen many surviving spouses will themselves to die.

they stop eating, and just overall give up.

now granted, dad has moderate dementia but remains lucid in many ways.

if he wanted to die, then it is up to him and no one else.

if he can't do it, then let the family move him to a state where it is legal...

and even then, i cannot imagine any physicians authorizing such an act, r/t depression.

and, i do understand where everyone is coming from, but planning to kill someone is NOT the answer.

leslie

*sigh* This post just breaks my heart. One of the reasons I can't do adult/geriatric medicine. It just breaks my heart to see these men and women just will themselves to die to join their spouse in peace. So sad. I'm so sorry.

[RNAnnjeh, MSN, CNS]

Leslie,

Some days it sucks being the in-law and having the knowledge that you have. I had to suck in my breath this winter and remember that I wanted to stay an in-law and not become an out-law! What I'm saying is....I know EXACTLY how you were feeling! Glad you're OK!!

Hugs

RNAnnjeh

[CaLLaCoDe, BSN, RN]

Heartfelt sorrow for your tragic dire circumstance.

Ombudsman anyone?

[XB9S, BSN, MSN, EdD, RN, APN]

sending love and prayers Leslie

[Tait, MSN, RN]

I have no advice, just hugs.

:icon_hug:

Take care Les,

Tait

[SlightlyMental_RN]

Leslie, (((Hugs)))

I'm very proud of you for sticking to your "moral guns." As someone that is (in certain circumstances) in favor of physician-assisted suicide, this is what I would deem an inappropriate use. I think it should only be used when there is a terminal diagnosis, and the patient is having to experience un-endurable pain. Yes, there is mental pain, but that is not the same as terminal pancreatic cancer, for example. As you wrote,

" i've seen many surviving spouses will themselves to die.

they stop eating, and just overall give up.

now granted, dad has moderate dementia but remains lucid in many ways.

if he wanted to die, then it is up to him and no one else."

I totally concur.

[leslie :-D]

*sigh* This post just breaks my heart. One of the reasons I can't do adult/geriatric medicine. It just breaks my heart to see these men and women just will themselves to die to join their spouse in peace. So sad. I'm so sorry.

i work hospice, and did do a brief stint in ltc...

and there are certain things i do look the other way, but murder isn't one of them.

thank you all, for your support.

actually, i was in MUCH worse shape before knowing the full story.

now i'm in a better place...

much love to you all.

leslie

[Whispera, MSN, RN]

I'm so glad the full story is one that can ease your mind. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[cherrybreeze, ADN, RN]

I don't even know what to say, leslie. What a heartbreaking situation.

I applaud you for sticking to your guns, both now and in the past...being "friends" with those that work at the hospital doesn't excuse getting a stage 4 decub. You have done, and are doing, the best YOU can to take care of your family the way you know they should be taken care of, even if it means going against the grain, and that is not an easy thing to do.

I wish you, your family, and your FIL peace and strength. Bless you.

[tewdles, RN]

leslie...you are a true professional and a caring family member. I am sorry that this difficult situation has visited your family but am confident that "right" will prevail with you monitoring the care and interventions.

it is not easy to be the daughter in law who has the knowledge and expertise to be alarmed and concerned. Praises to your dh for recognizing your concern for what it is...even if you may have raised your voice.

keep us posted, and good luck.