this hit too close to home...

[leslie :-D]

and i am still trembling...

and learned something very scary about myself today.

my mil died in 9/09.

dad, who lives in a ltc facility, has naturally been profoundly depressed, and only wants to spend his days in bed.

so my husband comes home yesterday, telling me that dad is going to be eval'd for hospice next week.

now, i know he has not been losing weight, and to my knowledge, has not had any new/serious dx.

my sister-in-law, who is poa, announced she is having the folks who cared for mom, eval dad as well.

i keep on asking "why? why?"

i also ask, "is he on antidepressants? has he had a psych consult?"

hubby doesn't know...

BUT calmly states they will give him morphine til he dies.

the family is on board with this, since they want to see dad with mom, once again.

by this time i am yelling," but that is MURDER!!!"

and knowing there are hospice agencies that are highly unscrupulous, i am in genuine panic.

i insist on talking to the cn at the ltc facility, but hubby is skeptical, since i have made a few, very vocal stinks over the years that have upset the family.

one time when mom was in a 'leading' hospital, she got a massive stage iv decub that resulted in her needing myoplasty.

i had called up the cno at this hospital and threatened to sue their sorry a$$es off.

sister-in-law/poa was very upset with me, since she was "good friends" with lots of these folks at the hospital.

when mom was receiving hospice services, she was being very poorly managed and i didn't hesitate to let the nurse know.

as a result, i ended up taking over most of her care. (she would only take meds for me)

hubby reluctantly calls the ltc facility, with me on the other line.

he asks the questions that i have, w/the cn ending up addressing my concerns.

yes, dad has been on antidepressants, has gotten numerous psych consults, but evidentally, has been aspirating on foods, even after diet being changed to puree.

so today they are getting all the directives in order (dnr, dnh, no-fdg tube), and will have hospice eval next week.

siblings have been going in and basically, force-fdg his meals, which have resulted in sev'l hospitalizations r/t asp pneumonia.

what bothers me the most, is today i totally know i would have called authorities, IF he had received hospice illegitimately.

i was so distraught, i pm'd an admin on here, eliciting guidance/feedback.

and i am still shaking, knowing that ultimately in my heart, this would have been highly illegal and i couldn't let dad die unless there was a physiological basis.

so now, i know dad will soon be with mom once again.

and i know that my 23 yr marriage will not end, since i didn't have to notify those in authority.

thank you, dear God.

it really is terrifying to know that i'd be capable of doing what is right, even knowing the devastating consequences...

and am so very grateful, it didn't come to that.

thank you for listening.

leslie

[ShayRN]

First of all (((HUGS))) Now take a deep breath. Lastly (((HUGS)))

[gigi01]

stay strong...

[twentytenRN]

So sorry to hear this is happening in your family. This is your father or your FIL? Makes no difference in the end, it's still family and close to your heart. End of life is so difficult as a nurse, and even moreso when it hits close to home. The best thing I had a clinical instructor tell me in school was to educate the family on the patho of the dying process. WHY isn't Dad eating? WHY is he getting the pneumonia? Well, unfortunately, it's a progressive process and usually the first step is refusal of food. It's a very personal decision within families to decide what to treat and what to withhold. I've found what my instructor told me is so true about why families insist on the interventions to keep Dad/Mom with us... because they simply don't understand the dying process. Perhaps you could educate the rest of your family during this difficult time?

My thoughts are with you and your family.

:hug:

[leslie :-D]

So sorry to hear this is happening in your family. This is your father or your FIL? Makes no difference in the end, it's still family and close to your heart. End of life is so difficult as a nurse, and even moreso when it hits close to home. The best thing I had a clinical instructor tell me in school was to educate the family on the patho of the dying process. WHY isn't Dad eating? WHY is he getting the pneumonia? Well, unfortunately, it's a progressive process and usually the first step is refusal of food. It's a very personal decision within families to decide what to treat and what to withhold. I've found what my instructor told me is so true about why families insist on the interventions to keep Dad/Mom with us... because they simply don't understand the dying process. Perhaps you could educate the rest of your family during this difficult time?

My thoughts are with you and your family.

:hug:

it's my fil.

over the years, everyone in the family knows why i've gotten upset.

this is a family who doesn't want to rock the boat, or make waves.

what scared me, is the family (all on board) were actively pursuing to kill their dad.

of course it was all out of love, and couldn't deal with his grief anymore.

and this agcy was willing to come up with a bogus dx and follow through.

it was truly horrifying...

leslie

[madwife2002, BSN, RN]

Hugs for you Leslie I know this is going to be such a difficult time for you. My heart felt prayers will go out to you and your family. xxx

[twentytenRN]

it's my fil.

over the years, everyone in the family knows why i've gotten upset.

this is a family who doesn't want to rock the boat, or make waves.

what scared me, is the family (all on board) were actively pursuing to kill their dad.

of course it was all out of love, and couldn't deal with his grief anymore.

and this agcy was willing to come up with a bogus dx and follow through.

it was truly horrifying...

leslie

Eeek. That is a difficult situation. IMHO it's probably best to "stay out" of their affairs and just take peace in the fact that soon he won't be suffering and will be comfortable at last. That's really the only advice I could offer. Sorry you're going through this.

[netglow, ASN, RN]

OMG. Nothing like having your soul tested and being cognizant every minute of it. Leslie, take care of yourself. What an awful shock you've been through. Truly surreal.

You are definitely made of the right stuff.

:kiss

...

[leslie :-D]

Eeek. That is a difficult situation. IMHO it's probably best to "stay out" of their affairs and just take peace in the fact that soon he won't be suffering and will be comfortable at last. That's really the only advice I could offer. Sorry you're going through this.

but that's what i learned about myself today...

that i couldn't look the other way.

i actually started experiencing the grieving process, knowing that i'd have to call the authorities.

this was murder, no matter how compassionate, it was murder!

not a judgment call at all, just.so.wrong.

this stuff happens too much, and i've lost jobs (although temporarily) for not following certain orders.

but i never knew how i'd react if this happened in my own family.

today i found out.

leslie

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

((((((((Leslie))))))))

My prayers are with you and your loved ones as you face yet another extraordinarily difficult life challenge. You are strong, yes, but even the strongest woman has her limits.......don't let yours be exceeded. :hug:

[twentytenRN]

Is it at all possibly that "Dad" wants this? I've met several patients that have such a broken heart after losing their spouse that they really just want to join them again in peace. I'm not sure where I stand on the ethics of it all. I don't think documenting a "bogus" diagnosis is the right answer at all...

[leslie :-D]

Is it at all possibly that "Dad" wants this? I've met several patients that have such a broken heart after losing their spouse that they really just want to join them again in peace. I'm not sure where I stand on the ethics of it all. I don't think documenting a "bogus" diagnosis is the right answer at all...

yes, dad has asked my husband "to take care of it" so he can be with his wife.

when hubby asked him to clarify, dad said, "you know damn well what i'm talking about" and "stop asking so many questions".

the difference being, i've seen many surviving spouses will themselves to die.

they stop eating, and just overall give up.

now granted, dad has moderate dementia but remains lucid in many ways.

if he wanted to die, then it is up to him and no one else.

if he can't do it, then let the family move him to a state where it is legal...

and even then, i cannot imagine any physicians authorizing such an act, r/t depression.

and, i do understand where everyone is coming from, but planning to kill someone is NOT the answer.

leslie