My floor tends to get a lot of older adults with either confusion from a UTI or dementia. Often they are my favorite patients because while confused, they're usually sweet and pretty funny. I've had some really confused patients tell me hilarious things, but my last shift takes the cake and I had to share.
Here's the conversation I had with my confused female patient:
Me: Hi, Mrs. _____. I'm _____ and I'm going to be your nurse tonight.
Pt: Are you a boy or a girl?
Me: (Look down at my pink scrubs) I'm a girl.
Pt: If you're a girl, why do you have such short hair?
Me: Because I like to.
Pt: You'll never get a man with that hair.
Me: Well, I'm already married.
Pt: That's what's wrong with you girls nowadays; short hair and wearing pants. Men don't respect us because of it. We'll never get the vote now.
Me: The vote?
Pt: Yes dear. Don't you read the newspapers? Don't you want to be able to vote?
Me: Ma'am, what year is it?
Pt: Don't you know?
Me: I do, but I want to make sure you know.
Pt: Well, 1932 of course.
Me: Ahhh, this conversation makes a lot more sense now.
I promptly excused myself from the patient's room and then proceeded to laugh hysterically. Apparently because of my hair and wearing pants I'll never get the vote. I've never been so entertained at work.
Anyone else have a hilarious story of things their patients have said?
Specializes in New Critical care NP, Critical care, Med-surg, LTC.
Mine was just a quick interaction, I walked into work one afternoon and my favorite resident who was perpetually confused, but always came to hug me first thing, came over. I smiled and she said "I love your teeth, are they new?" I responded, "No, they're my originals." She pulled hers out and said, "Well if you ever need these you can have them." I miss her.
I had a sweet and pleasantly confused 90 something year old patient who I was helping off the BSC. It was the highlight of my day when this prim and proper lady told me to make sure her 'cooterpuss was nice and dry'.
I had a patient in A bed, and B bed belonged to another nurse but needed some assistance while i was tending to A bed, so I obliged. She was wondering if she could get help standing up. I said no problem. As i was in the process of assisting her out of bed i asked her where was it that she would like to go. She responded with something along the lines of, "I'm headed to the back, i need some fresh air". I tilted me head and gave her a o0 kind of look. I responded "i don't believe we can let you off the floor ma'am i'm sorry". and she replies with "oh come on, im just headed to the porch, its right there." she points at the curtain.. after a few seconds i realize what's going on and responded "ma'am you're on the 4th floor of _______ hospital, there is no porch here." she says "so i cant even go to my own porch to have a cigarette ??? this is unbelievable!!"
at that point i abruptly retorted with "yeah um ma'am im gonna need you to get back in bed"
on my way out my A bed patient smiles at me and motions a "coo coo" circle around her head and laughs, i guess she overheard the whole thing.
One of my favorite patients that I took care of while in the hospital was a teenager with a TBI. No one else liked to take care of him, but I loved him. When checking orientation, I asked him if he knew where he was. Response? "I'm in some sort of a Chinese food restaurant." Another time, the aide was helping him get cleaned up and he said "Michael Jackson is scratching my back." Then he claimed he didn't know who his father was and made him show his ID. I felt bad for poor Dad, the kid just kept being like "this isn't my father, I don't know this A-hole." He also punched his mother in the face one day. When he recovered he turned out to be one of the sweetest kids, and ran the Boston Marathon for charity to help others affected by TBI.
20-something opioid detox patient to me (after I had loaded her up with all the PRNs in an effort to make her slightly more comfortable) during a follow up check:
Her: "Nurse...?"
Me: "Yes ma'am, whatcha need?"
Her: "Nurse. I just really like your gum."
(I know, I'm bad for chewing gum at work, but I get horrific dry mouth that's no fun for my patients (or myself!))
I was covering up an older confused man in our white blankets in his bed due to him being "cold."
All of a sudden he goes on ranting, "I'm sick of this! White everything! White sheets, white blankets, white pillows! Sometimes I just want to wear a pink robe!"
In the early 80's, I had a supervisor job. I was helping in CCU one night when they were busy. One room had an intercom that was always on b/c it was around the corner and you couldn't see the patient. Med Student was doing the admission H&P on a young man w/meningitis (read: horrible headache and irritability). This was the most thorough H&P ever. Got to the orientation part: "who's the president?" Reagan (this was 1982 or so). Who was the president before him? Ford. Who was the president before him? LINCOLN!!! WHO THE HELL CARES!!!
I suggested to the resident that maybe that was just about enough on the History, could he please get the Med Student to move on a bit.
Snafu13
59 Posts
These are FANTASTIC