Hilarious Conversation with a Patient

[NurseyNursington]

My floor tends to get a lot of older adults with either confusion from a UTI or dementia. Often they are my favorite patients because while confused, they're usually sweet and pretty funny. I've had some really confused patients tell me hilarious things, but my last shift takes the cake and I had to share.

Here's the conversation I had with my confused female patient:

Me: Hi, Mrs. _____. I'm _____ and I'm going to be your nurse tonight.

Pt: Are you a boy or a girl?

Me: (Look down at my pink scrubs) I'm a girl.

Pt: If you're a girl, why do you have such short hair?

Me: Because I like to.

Pt: You'll never get a man with that hair.

Me: Well, I'm already married.

Pt: That's what's wrong with you girls nowadays; short hair and wearing pants. Men don't respect us because of it. We'll never get the vote now.

Me: The vote?

Pt: Yes dear. Don't you read the newspapers? Don't you want to be able to vote?

Me: Ma'am, what year is it?

Pt: Don't you know?

Me: I do, but I want to make sure you know.

Pt: Well, 1932 of course.

Me: Ahhh, this conversation makes a lot more sense now.

I promptly excused myself from the patient's room and then proceeded to laugh hysterically. Apparently because of my hair and wearing pants I'll never get the vote. I've never been so entertained at work.

Anyone else have a hilarious story of things their patients have said?

[Jaykalkyn, BSN, RN]

Ewwww!!!!!! Lol!

[CT Pixie, BSN, RN]

The funny thing is that, in 1932, women had already had the right to vote for 12 years. At least if you're in the United States.

was thinking the same thing..poor dear really was confused. Guess she didn't read the newspapers daily..or even weekly or yearly for that matter as she totally missed the edition that showed we won the right to vote in 1920 :)

[elisa938]

I work in the ED in a town surrounded by Assissted livings, ECF's, SNF's etc so we get LOTS of the confused pts. We also get an inexplicably high number of psych... (I am not a fan psych) anyway, so one night we had probably 6 psych pts (about 25ish% of our census. 3 of which were mine. I then get (per squad) a nonverbal combative 76 year old with demetia that is normally A&O x3. She was not as nonverbal as they orginally thought, it took about 2 hours but then she looks at me and conversation as follows (abridged version)

pt whispers"you're not real"

me "of course I am"

pt "no! No you aren't! You can't be! You're dead"

me "no i'm alive, this is the hospital"

pt "i'm dead too, and i'm going to hell"

me "no, its ok, we are both alive you aren't going to hell, we are going to help you feel better"

pt "no!! No! I'm dead! You're dead! We are already in hell!!"

um... 3 psychs pts in a crazy ED... That is not having the best of days... How does one argue with that...

I could barely contain myself in the room I had to ask some one else to come talk to her so I could compose myself! Every time i have a bad night i think of her and i start laughing... Bad day gets better, who knew being in hell could make it better! Lol

[Ele_123]

I work on an ortho/neuro and most people who fall and break bones are elderly. Last night I was taking care of a 79 y/o lady and was taking her FSBS when this conversation occured:

Pt: I think I've died.

Me: You're alive and we're at the hospital.

Pt: I know were in the hospital and you're alive, but I've died.

Me: We are both alive

Pt: I don't give a sh** just take my blood sugar

(Turns out her blood sugar was 34)

[Roy Hanson]

wow! good grammar is non existent these days. We witness so many staff, mostly nurses talking baby talk or level to dementia or confused patients. But there is light somewhere in their eyes.

[silverbat]

I had a sweet confused gentlemen try to "outsmart" the doctor doing his assessment. this is the conversation:

Dr. What day of the week is it?

PT: a weekday

Dr: what month is it?

Pt: a summer month

Dr. What year is it:

Pt: this year.

Dr: Who is the president?

Pt: that damned man!

I about died trying not to laugh!!!!!

[whitestripes]

I'm laughing so hard right now! Thanks!

[scaredsilly, BSN, RN]

During med-surg clinical I got to shadow pre and post op care. One patient was a 60 something woman who was one of those sweet little gramma types, in for endoscopic sinus surgery. pre op she was the most adorable little lady, and very kind. Post op was another story!

In the recovery room, the ENT came in to assess and the conversation went like this:

Doc: Do you know where you are?

Pt: In the state of pain

Doc: Do you know who I am?

Pt: The f**khead who did this to me!

There was no way to hold the laughter in, even the doc was cracking up!

[prmenrs, RN]

My 90 y/o grandfather was in a snf, sometimes confused, sometimes not. He was bedridden after having broken both hips (he broke the 2nd hip after he climbed over the side rail!).

My aunt brought him a letter from my cousin; he opened and read it, folded it, put it back in the envelope. Aunt said, "Grandaddy, do you know who that was from?" Grandaddy: "Your SON, Richard!" looking @ her like she had 2 heads.

She brought my uncle w/her another time, Grandaddy, you know who this is? Grandaddy: Don't YOU?? as in, you brought him here, lady!

[CCRN2BE]

We got a patient after he had a little too much fun one night and ended up OD'ing. He was awake but lethargic upon admission and we started by asking him questions to assess his current mental state.

RN: Tell me your name

Pt: SpongeBob.

RN: Where do you live? (Yes, I think the nurse was prompting pt for this exact answer)

Pt: In a pineapple under the sea.

He was so serious too. We joked about labeling his chart with the last name "Squarepants"

[42pines]

The place is a med-surg unit. The patient is male, a young adult who seemed in pretty good health who was recovering from some simple surgery.

Come quick, please, he's having trouble” the young lady said.

I rush down the hall into the room. The young man is laying there, propped up on a pillow, alert, good color, no visible distress

I say: What's the matter?”

He responds: I'm dying; I'm dying" (this in a strange feeble voice)

Dying? You look fine.”

I'm dying of thirst,” he says. I look to the table next to the bed, just a foot away from him.

I'm confused, there's a half-full pitcher of water and a glass right next to you.”

In the same enfeebled voice he responded: It's warm, would you drink warm water?”

It took me a bit of time to think about this and to choose a response. Then I said: No,” and went and got him some ice water with ice cubes. Actually I hate warm water—he did have a point.

[stayc615]

I was talking to one lady and she was telling me she's from New York, she's French, etc. Then she asks me if I'm married (I'm not) and goes on to tell me how to land a husband and keep him.

Her: "Get a lot of boyfriends. Marry the one who annoys you the least."

Me: "Okay. Lots of boyfriends. How do I keep him?"

Her: "Here's what I did. I would be in the bedroom and would tell my husband that we need to talk. He'd come into the room... and we wouldn't talk.;)"

I was speechless.