He doesn't want her to work. Is it fair?

[mscgirl09]

my friend's (ill call Vanessa) Fiancé just made partner at this law firm. she tells me he make big time money. She graduated from school to be a nurse anesthetist working in trauma surgery and makes good money. They met while she was in school.

Now that Vanessa is doing her own thing, he really doesn't want her to work because of the irregular hours. she sometimes have to get up at 2 am for work. She says its getting to him and he doesn't want her to work anymore; so when they get married he'll take care of her. Vanessa said that she worked hard to get where she is at (all that time and money). Do you all think its fair she has to quit her job because he doesn't like the crazy hours? he knew what he was getting into when they met. come on she saving lives here!

[Baloney Amputation, BSN, LPN, RN]

Another dissenter...I don't think he sounds controlling. I think it sounds like he wants to spend time with her, which is terrible, I know. Surely when they met and she was in school she did not get up at 2 a.m. for class, so this would require quite the shift in loneliness. I bet if she found more "normal" hours that would synch with his, this wouldn't be quite the issue it is. If he would have not wanted her out of the house at all so she could wait on him hand and foot, he would have given her all kinds of heck when she was in school. I just don't think it's as sinister as it sounds. However, he could have worded it a bit differently.

[tokyoROSE, BSN, RN]

Another dissenter...I don't think he sounds controlling. I think it sounds like he wants to spend time with her, which is terrible, I know. Surely when they met and she was in school she did not get up at 2 a.m. for class, so this would require quite the shift in loneliness. I bet if she found more "normal" hours that would synch with his, this wouldn't be quite the issue it is. If he would have not wanted her out of the house at all so she could wait on him hand and foot, he would have given her all kinds of heck when she was in school. I just don't think it's as sinister as it sounds. However, he could have worded it a bit differently.

How is that NOT controlling? He knew what he was getting himself into -- it is well known nurses have wacky hours. Like another poster said, what if he starts abusing her? What if he leaves her? If she gives into his demands this time, I highly doubt he'd stop there. This situation is a train wreck waiting to happen.

[MnemonicMonkey]

And what if he's a great guy that wants to spend more time with his new bride? The OP doesn't tell us anything about the guy's personality. Does he try to control who she's with? Is this a one sided discussion? Does he have a history of abuse? We don't know enough about him to draw such cynical conclusions.

If he dies, that's what life insurance is for.

If he abuses/leaves her, divorce him and take half his stuff. (Leaving her better off than me I'm sure.)

I already suggested she just find better hours to work, keeping her skill set sharp. It would be a waste for her to quit, which is what I keep trying to tell my wife.

[Katie5]

It is she who wears the shoes that knows where it pinches. We can only give advice but the decision would have to be made by her.

She knows her fiancee better than we do and she knows herself even more.My contribution to this would be, nobody ever knows what the future holds for us.She worked hard for that degree and quitting outrightly, that is kinda hard. She needs a life seperate from her husband, because in that way, they each feel important and bring something to their union.

But to ask, what does she want to do?

[Keepstanding, ASN, RN]

why doesn't vanessa post for herself, so we can know her feelings ?

praiser :heartbeat

[Midwest4me]

what if he dies? what if he leaves her? what if he starts abusing her? what if he decides that marriage and family life isn't for him after all? how does she plan to support herself then?

i totally agree with you. she has endured a lot for that degree, is obviously happy with her career choice; she needs to keep up the skill set and hours to keep that license current and therefore support herself if he dies before she does. someone mentioned the importance of life insurance; well, it only goes so far then life returns and you have to support yourslef.

the whole scenario sounds "iffy": i suspect this career of hers will be a sore subject between them for quite some time unless some mutual compromise can be reached. she will have to decide which is more important: her fiance or career as it sounds like he doesn't want to budge.

[Health-Nut]

I ave to words for her. GET OUT!

[llg, PhD, RN]

I'd only consider compromising my career if there were a generous (and air tight) prenuptual agreement in place that would guarantee financial security for the rest of my life. Either that, or he would have to put a very large chunk of money in my name before the wedding and whatever legal documentation is need to guarantee that it would stay mine.

But then again ... nothing is truly "air tight" and I would want to continue working at least a little to give myself back-up possibilities if the relationship were to go sour.

[Fiona59]

I'd say it's none of our business or the OPs. It has to be worked out between the two people involved.

I know many women who have had to adjust their work life to have it fit into their marriage. For years I could only work casual/prn because my husband is in the military and deploys for long periods. My job had to be flexible to take care of the children. I only worked the minimum hours to keep my practice permit.

If there is something sinister in the relationship, a woman smart enough to obtain that degree should be able to figure it out.

No need to turn it into a "burning bed" scenario

[MedSurgeMess]

If he abuses/leaves her, divorce him and take half his stuff. (Leaving her better off than me I'm sure.)

I already suggested she just find better hours to work, keeping her skill set sharp. It would be a waste for her to quit, which is what I keep trying to tell my wife.

If they divorce, they may determine that she is able to make more, and depending where they live, that may qualify her for nothing (been there, done that). Also, she may be working the only area/hours she is able to right now. If she is fairly new, she may have had to take the crud hours. Also, d/t surgeries, CRNAs and anesthesiologist in general don't always have pretty hours. It's the nature of the ballgame.

[GooeyRN, ADN, BSN, CNA, LPN, RN]

It's their business... There are compromises in life. It sounds like they both need to make some if they want their future marriage to work.

I personally wouldn't go for that, but I would go for part-time hours.

[elkpark]

I don't see that it's anyone's business, other than the two people directly involved ...