He doesn't want her to work. Is it fair?

[mscgirl09]

my friend's (ill call Vanessa) Fiancé just made partner at this law firm. she tells me he make big time money. She graduated from school to be a nurse anesthetist working in trauma surgery and makes good money. They met while she was in school.

Now that Vanessa is doing her own thing, he really doesn't want her to work because of the irregular hours. she sometimes have to get up at 2 am for work. She says its getting to him and he doesn't want her to work anymore; so when they get married he'll take care of her. Vanessa said that she worked hard to get where she is at (all that time and money). Do you all think its fair she has to quit her job because he doesn't like the crazy hours? he knew what he was getting into when they met. come on she saving lives here!

[Blackheartednurse]

The amount of feminist trash in this thread is truly mind boggling. "Get away girl, you don't need any man telling you what to do."

Seriously, If he asks you not to work he's going to end up abusing you? Where does this crock come from? Despite whatever horrific personal experiences have shaped your world view, this is a very legitimate issue.

See, what most non-man-hating-shebeasts understand, is that all relationships take compromise. I dated a night shift nurse long before I ever wanted to become one, and the relationship was all but unmanageable. 4 days a week, contact was out of the question. On her days off, I would have to go over in the middle of the night when she was awake. And forget trying to plan any kind of dates outside of the house.

She's waking up at 2 in the morning for work? So she would go to bed at what....6pm for a full 8 hours? As a lawyer, chances are he's working a 9-5 gig. As a big shot lawyer, chances are he needs to be putting in extra hours. 8-7 easily.

Wow I'm shocked my your sexist response..these people are not even MARRIED yet he has no RIGHT to demand anything and even if they were married people should make compromises not BLACKMAILING each other or not throw any sort of demands at each other...I portray the man in question and any other man who request,expect or demands from their girfriend,fiance,or wife to quit or not have a career as a man with MANY insecurities,perhaps a man who has an issues with his low self esteem.Call me a feminist,but that is a very poor excuse.Any women who have goals for herself except bearing and rearing children is automatically labeled as a feminist chick by so many men...wake up men every human being (regardless of sex) needs goals and accomplishments in life,dont forget the Maslov hierarchy of needs;self-fullfilment..ok I can breathe now!

I don't know what kind of crazy world the rest of you live in, but this isn't a compatible relationship. Not in the least. I mean I know it takes a truly hateful man to want a normal healthy relationship (so he has a fresh slate to abuse and mold to his own liking). Obviously, some kind of compromise needs to be made. And in his position, he probably doesn't have a lot of wiggle room. He's working his way up the ladder and it's unlikely that going part time is going to benefit him much, except by way of a pink slip.

A lot of men who make real money expect their wives not to work. And I don't blame them. Chances are, they have to devote a lot of time to making that money. Naturally, they're going to want/need someone that can work around their schedule. And what happens when children come into the picture? Is it really that heartless for them to expect someone to be there with the kids?

Bottom line, he's got a plan in mind for how he wants his life to go, an he's entitled to pursue that. He has every right to ask you to leave work. He has every right to DEMAND that you leave work. It's just what he expects from a relationship, and he's no more wrong for being unwilling to compromise then you are for refusing to quit. If neither one of you are willing to budge, then the relationship just wasn't feasible and you'd both be happier elsewhere. (Oh, also he's an evil womanizing pig of a man.)

If she's already been with him for quite a while, it probably doesn't have to come to an ultimatum. There are plenty of middle ground paths that they can compromise on. And a little counseling on the matter would probably help them reach one they both find acceptable.

Wow I'm shocked by your sexist response..these people are not even MARRIED yet he has no RIGHT to demand anything and even if they were married people should make compromises not BLACKMAILING each other or not throw any sort of demands at each other...I portray the man in question and any other man who request,expect or demands from their girfriend,fiance,or wife to quit or not have a career as a man with MANY insecurities,perhaps a man who has an issues with his low self esteem.Call me a feminist,but that is a very poor excuse.Any women who have goals for herself except bearing and rearing children is automatically labeled as a feminist chick by so many men...wake up men every human being (regardless of sex) needs goals and accomplishments in life,dont forget the Maslov hierarchy of needs;self-fullfilment..ok I can breathe now!

[Bortaz, MSN, RN]

It's amazing to me how many of the posters on this site will quickly and gleefully brand this man as a woman-abusing, child-eating reprobate...based only on the biased and one-sided report of a woman who's putting her nose in the couple's business and hates the fact that he doesn't agree with her point of view.

It's pretty unattractive and pretty sad.

[Tait, MSN, RN]

My husband has expressed that he would really prefer that I not work during the first year or two after we have children, however he also knows I do not want to have to recert, and that I love my job, so we compromised...part time!

I am trying not to assume this man is automatically controlling. It is hard to ascertain the situation, online, and translated through another persons eyes. As I am sure many of the readers are having the same "what a controller!" reaction to my post, however my husband is the sweetest, least controlling person I have come across.

Tait

[SilentMind]

Pardon me, but what century is this man living in, and who is he calling names?

2009, hun. Who am I calling names? People who automatically jump to the conclusion that men are evil and if you depend on them, they'll beat you, abuse you, and leave you homeless and pennyless. I know, I know....this can't possibly qualify as sexism because it doesn't target women.

'he has every right to DEMAND that you leave work'.

I salute your selective memory. Despite the fact that I went on at great length to clarify this as meaning he has a right to be in a relationship thats compatible with his goals and his lifestyle....I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you wouldn't dare take that one line out of context just to strengthen your point, and that you truly believe these ideas are unacceptable. And at the end of the day, you're entitled to your opinion.

Anyways, the day awaits. Happy Thanksgiving Viva, and everyone else.

[SilentMind]

Wow I'm shocked by your sexist response..these people are not even MARRIED yet he has no RIGHT to demand anything and even if they were married people should make compromises not BLACKMAILING each other or not throw any sort of demands at each other

You're right. They're not married. So at any given moment, they both have the right to decide this relationship isn't going to give them what they need. It's only blackmail if one person is unhealthily dependant on the relationship and afraid of being alone/moving on.

[TakeTwoAspirin, MSN, RN, APRN]

This story made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. In my humble opinion, this "problem" has nothing to do with her having to go to work at odd hours, it has everything to do with him trying to control her. If it were me I would run like the wind from this man while I could, and I do speak from experience. He doesn't want a true partner, he wants a trophy.

[MedSurgeMess]

I made a comment at the very beginning that may have sounded like I was slamming this guy. Now that I've had time to think about it, who knows, she may have made demands of some sort just as well and we're not hearing about it. There are 2 sides to every story.....

[tara07733]

I don't think it's so much that it's unfair because, like another poster said, she doesn't have to do it--this is her life and he can't MAKE her do anything. My concern is that, if she does it to keep harmony in the relationship, what else will he ask of her. This is just the beginning of a lifetime of her wanting to do something and his not wanting her to do it because it's inconvenient for him. That's the issue.

Really, it's up to her to stand up for herself if in fact she wants to remain working at her job.

[tara07733]

I'll play the flip side of the coin here. I'm in nursing school, and my wife is a NICU RN. I swear at 5am she slams her makeup drawer shut every morning she works. She doesn't really, but I rarely can sleep through her morning routine.

I can imagine this guy's frustration at 2am when he keeps getting woken up before a big deposition. Especially when she doesn't need to work financially. (Must be nice- I couldn't be in school without my some drawer-slamming support, and she wants to cut her hours!)

Sounds to me like they need to work out some logistics more than anything. Maybe she can take a day shift, or find a position with more regular hours. He could wear earplugs to bed...whatever. If this is that big of an unresolved issue, yes, they need some more premarital counseling. GOOD counseling at that. Learning to respect each other, coming to mutually satisfying resolutions, and keeping God at the center of our relationship is what has made our marriage so strong.

I don't think your argument holds much water. Granted, there isn't much info in the original post but what is there doesn't sound like a 'logistical issue'. It's all about reading between the lines and understanding the tone of the post.

Also, if we're going to use your logic one might say "Okay, if it is in fact that she disturbs him when she gets up at 2AM maybe she could use a different bathroom. I mean, he's making all this money and wants to take care of her. That's minor price to pay, buying a bigger house, right? And why should she have to work a day shift? You're telling me that once her fiancee really gets into the thick of being a law firm partner that HE'LL be there all the times that SHE wants HIM there? That's just not very realistic, is it.

The one thing I agree with you on is that they need some counselling quick.

Tara

[dannyc12]

I also dont understand why there is a constant flow of threads such as "Hospital romances,doc dating nurses blahaha" on this site,dont people have better ideas and nursing problems than that?

Yawn....................

The constant flow of "I don't understand why anyone is responding to this / this is none of our business" messages is equally perplexing.

It's a discussion board. Careers and relationships get discussed.

[lindarn]

This is the first sign of an abuser. He wants to keep her, "barefoot and pregnant", and under his thumb.

He will want to control the money, (all in his name), tell her what to do, control the kids, its all there is you look hard enough.

My advice if she still wants to marry him is, continue working. Keep your own bank accounts and credit cards. Keep track of the money. Keep a secret account that he does not know about. Make a will NOW. JMO and my NY $0.02.

Lindarn, RN, BSN, CCRN

Spokane, Washington

[Junebugfairy]

compromise never includes "demands".

it is give and take for both.