He doesn't want her to work. Is it fair?

Nurses General Nursing

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my friend's (ill call Vanessa) Fiancé just made partner at this law firm. she tells me he make big time money. She graduated from school to be a nurse anesthetist working in trauma surgery and makes good money. They met while she was in school.

Now that Vanessa is doing her own thing, he really doesn't want her to work because of the irregular hours. she sometimes have to get up at 2 am for work. She says its getting to him and he doesn't want her to work anymore; so when they get married he'll take care of her. Vanessa said that she worked hard to get where she is at (all that time and money). Do you all think its fair she has to quit her job because he doesn't like the crazy hours? he knew what he was getting into when they met. come on she saving lives here!

Specializes in rehab.
What if he dies? What if he leaves her? What if he starts abusing her? What if he decides that marriage and family life isn't for him after all? How does she plan to support herself then?

VERY VERY GOOD POINTS!!!!

One must always have something to fall back on.:twocents:

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Hell, like I do, if my husband doesn't come back from A'stan. The house, cars, and all the investments are in my name. I hold his power of attorney and am beneficiary of all the military benefits packages.

If he plans on abusing her or leaving her (or is just a cheating rat bastard) he'll refuse to do any of the things my husband has done to enure mine and our childrens future security.

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my friend's (ill call Vanessa) Fiancé just made partner at this law firm. she tells me he make big time money. She graduated from school to be a nurse anesthetist working in trauma surgery and makes good money.

So much money, so little happiness...

Of course there is an easy answer here - DTMFA. Further, one of the nice side benefits of acquiring a sought-after skill in an area of your choosing is that you can make your own decisions and be perfectly able to support yourself no matter what.

If you want to be really mean then tell her, "You might as well jet, because if you say with him, he will pout at cocktail parties about how he is so sad about his "successful" wife not being able to attend and will be making the beast with two backs with some paralegal in the copy room quicker than snot."

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Specializes in Med/Surg, Ortho, ASC.

Wow!:eek:

So much discussion and so many opinions about two people, neither of whom have posted here. I don't get this thread or the interest in what may or may not be a point of disagreement in 2 strangers' lives.

What does this have to do with nursing (other than the fact that one of the fictional people is a nurse)?

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It's amazing how quickly some folks have labeled this guy a jerk and said the woman in question should dump him. Whatever happened to sitting down and working things out?

My husband and I have been married a long time, due, in part, to the fact that we learned to hear what each other had to say and then go looking for solutions that would take care of both of us. Relationships are not zero-sum games or teeter-totters where one comes out on top and the other one goes down. If either person loses, they both lose.

Some issues truly carry all-or-nothing importance. Cheating. Abuse. Addiction. It isn't good to make compromises on these matters. But there's a lot of room for discussion in other areas.

For this couple there are two questions. What should happen with her job and career? And how well do the two of them do with communicating, showing each other respect, and coming up with creative ideas that will make their life together work. The second is far more important than the first, as it will color every aspect of their future.

Many people have to learn how to be a good partner. If someone is teachable and has a good heart overall, it would be foolish to dump and run because of some rough edges. Chances are, both have things they need to learn.

DH and I say that we grew up together (we married young) and grew together at the same time. We've hit rough patches internally and hard times externally, and we both had a fair amount of maturing to do. But the results have been so very much worth the effort. When you truly love someone, you keep looking until you find answers that will take care of both of you. Many times I wanted A, and he wanted B, and we ended up choosing C--an option that was better than either of us would have come up with alone.

I hope this couple can find a way to take care of each other and use this difference of opinion as a healthy challenge that will leave them stronger and more committed to each other in years to come.

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The amount of feminist trash in this thread is truly mind boggling. "Get away girl, you don't need any man telling you what to do."

Seriously, If he asks you not to work he's going to end up abusing you? Where does this crock come from? Despite whatever horrific personal experiences have shaped your world view, this is a very legitimate issue.

See, what most non-man-hating-shebeasts understand, is that all relationships take compromise. I dated a night shift nurse long before I ever wanted to become one, and the relationship was all but unmanageable. 4 days a week, contact was out of the question. On her days off, I would have to go over in the middle of the night when she was awake. And forget trying to plan any kind of dates outside of the house.

She's waking up at 2 in the morning for work? So she would go to bed at what....6pm for a full 8 hours? As a lawyer, chances are he's working a 9-5 gig. As a big shot lawyer, chances are he needs to be putting in extra hours. 8-7 easily.

I don't know what kind of crazy world the rest of you live in, but this isn't a compatible relationship. Not in the least. I mean I know it takes a truly hateful man to want a normal healthy relationship (so he has a fresh slate to abuse and mold to his own liking). Obviously, some kind of compromise needs to be made. And in his position, he probably doesn't have a lot of wiggle room. He's working his way up the ladder and it's unlikely that going part time is going to benefit him much, except by way of a pink slip.

A lot of men who make real money expect their wives not to work. And I don't blame them. Chances are, they have to devote a lot of time to making that money. Naturally, they're going to want/need someone that can work around their schedule. And what happens when children come into the picture? Is it really that heartless for them to expect someone to be there with the kids?

Bottom line, he's got a plan in mind for how he wants his life to go, an he's entitled to pursue that. He has every right to ask you to leave work. He has every right to DEMAND that you leave work. It's just what he expects from a relationship, and he's no more wrong for being unwilling to compromise then you are for refusing to quit. If neither one of you are willing to budge, then the relationship just wasn't feasible and you'd both be happier elsewhere. (Oh, also he's an evil womanizing pig of a man.)

If she's already been with him for quite a while, it probably doesn't have to come to an ultimatum. There are plenty of middle ground paths that they can compromise on. And a little counseling on the matter would probably help them reach one they both find acceptable.

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non-man-hating-shebeasts
Say what?

A lot of men who make real money expect their wives not to work. And I don't blame them. Chances are, they have to devote a lot of time to making that money. Naturally, they're going to want/need someone that can work around their schedule. And what happens when children come into the picture? Is it really that heartless for them to expect someone to be there with the kids?
A lot of men who make "real money" think that they can trade the paycheck for their presence. A lot of men who make "real money" view their wives as subordinates, or even worse, appliances to be used at their convenience and traded in for a newer model periodically. A lot of men who make "real money" end up alone and financially compromised when the wife sees that she is just a means to an end and says, "Enough!"

If a couple decides together that one will be involved in a demanding career while the other will keep the home fires burning, that has possibilities. But this arrangement only works when both partners remain committed to the relationship and set boundaries that keep the career from destroying not only the marriage but the love.

Bottom line, he's got a plan in mind for how he wants his life to go, an he's entitled to pursue that. He has every right to ask you to leave work.

If they don't share a plan for their lives, they might have a living arrangement, but it won't be a marriage.

He has every right to DEMAND that you leave work.
This kind of demand has no place in a healthy relationship. One person "laying down the law" to the other negates the essence of marriage, which is that two people consent and commit to cherish each other and work together to achieve the goals they have both chosen. If they aren't in it together, then why be in it at all?
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Personal opinion.....isn't getting married to someone about being with someone who supports you in what you do and how you choose to live your life. Statistics say marriages are not lasting very long anyway. So if she were smart she would keep her own interests in mind and take care of herself. She is obviously smart and independent. So incase her marriage does end (which I hope it goes well) she might need her career to get her through.

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Specializes in Emergency Dept. Trauma. Pediatrics.

Seriously, all that needs to happen in this situation if the couple truly love each other and WANT things to work is for them to find a middle ground and both parties be willing to compromise a little. That is how good healthy relationships work. She doesn't need to run as fast as she can and he doesn't need to put only him self and his needs first. It's all about working together and compromise and RESPECTING each other.

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A lot of men who make "real money" think that they can trade the paycheck for their presence. A lot of men who make "real money" view their wives as subordinates, or even worse, appliances to be used at their convenience and traded in for a newer model periodically. A lot of men who make "real money" end up alone and financially compromised when the wife sees that she is just a means to an end and says, "Enough!"

I'm not drawing any correlation between money and happiness. I don't know why you keep quoting real money. And yes, there are men that think like that. It may even be more likely in the upper class circles. And yes, there are higher rates of divorce, and less functional family units all around.

If a couple decides together that one will be involved in a demanding career while the other will keep the home fires burning, that has possibilities. But this arrangement only works when both partners remain committed to the relationship and set boundaries that keep the career from destroying not only the marriage but the love.

If they don't share a plan for their lives, they might have a living arrangement, but it won't be a marriage.

She actually doesn't get a say in the matter. Everyone has to decide personally what it is they expect from relationships. As I clarified later, in long term relationships, compromise is essential. But as I said, he has a plan for his life that he's welcome to follow. Demanding careers can be stressful, but it's the path he's chosen for himself. He no doubt wants a partner that fits into the life he wants.

I don't mean that he should call all the shots, and drag her along unhappily. Merely that if they're not on the same page, it may just be best that they part ways now. It's easy to carried away in thinking that all it takes is love to make relationships work, but all the love in the world doesn't matter if you've both chosen different paths.

This kind of demand has no place in a healthy relationship. One person "laying down the law" to the other negates the essence of marriage, which is that two people consent and commit to cherish each other and work together to achieve the goals they have both chosen. If they aren't in it together, then why be in it at all?

Why be in it at all is kind of my point. Marriage is different from relationships. A lot of times relationships are nothing more then becoming so comfortable with a person and investing so much time that you might as well get married. In reality, relationships are designed to determine whether or not this is a person you want to marry. "Laying down the law" does negate the essence of marriage, but in a relationship it's not laying down the law, it's putting your expectations out there so you can compare those to your partners. It's not "I demand you follow me." so much as "If you don't want the same things I do, I probably need to be looking elsewhere. We both do."

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
The amount of feminist trash in this thread is truly mind boggling. "Get away girl, you don't need any man telling you what to do."

See, what most non-man-hating-shebeasts understand, is that all relationships take compromise.

Bottom line, he's got a plan in mind for how he wants his life to go, an he's entitled to pursue that. He has every right to ask you to leave work. He has every right to DEMAND that you leave work. It's just what he expects from a relationship, and he's no more wrong for being unwilling to compromise then you are for refusing to quit.

Wow........'feminist trash'..........'non-man-hating she-beasts'.........'he has every right to DEMAND that you leave work'.

Pardon me, but what century is this man living in, and who is he calling names? I'm a relatively traditional, conservative, older woman with almost 30 years of marriage under my belt, and these phrases set my teeth on edge.......can't imagine how it makes some of the younger gals feel who've never experienced chauvinism before, but I know how it makes ME feel, and that isn't a bit good.

:down:

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Wow!:eek:

So much discussion and so many opinions about two people, neither of whom have posted here. I don't get this thread or the interest in what may or may not be a point of disagreement in 2 strangers' lives.

What does this have to do with nursing (other than the fact that one of the fictional people is a nurse)?

To be honest I feel the same way about this thread...we dont even know this people and this thread she be moved to the relationships section.I also dont understand why there is a constant flow of threads such as "Hospital romances,doc dating nurses blahaha" on this site,dont people have better ideas and nursing problems than that?

Yawn....................

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