Patients Say the Darnedest Things - WIN $250! Nurses Week Contest 2018 - page 2

We've all been there. In our time as nurses, we've heard patients say some pretty wild things. Whether it's off-the-wall reasons for how they came to need medical care or something as seemingly... Read More

  1. by   VivaLasViejas
    I had a pleasantly confused fellow in my LTC who was occasionally incontinent of stool. One night when the CNA and I were cleaning him up, he asked us what we were "doing back there". I told him he'd had a bowel movement and we needed to wash him and change his briefs. Whereupon he replied, "Well hell, that sure ain't gonna make me any friends!"
  2. by   Davey Do
  3. by   JadedCPN
    A 12 year old patient once asked me, casually making conversation while I was drawing blood: "So do you make the big bucks as a nurse? If I had to guess I would say at least $10 an hour"
  4. by   Kitiger
    I had a patient admitted for angina. He told me that he had a history positive for "Myocardial Infraction".

    Naughty Heart!
  5. by   Have Nurse
    Once while doing a rectal temp on a gentleman who couldn't tolerate oral, the probe had slipped off its' base and moved further into the rectum than I felt was safe. While I gently tried to remove it, the patient had a muscle spasm and I was worried that the probe would slip too far, so I had to reach a bit further as it was slippery from the lubricant and hard to grasp. "Honey," he asked jovially, "Are you minin' for diamonds?"
  6. by   CharleeFoxtrot
    Golly such much to choose from over the years. I still crack up when I think of an elderly man who stated after he woke up after he had a full arrest and RoSC that he was "thankful you nurses didn't have to crack my cervix" doing compressions."

    I just sputtered "What?" and stared at him trying not to laugh as pointed to his sternum. "You know, my cervix coulda gotten cracked you guys thumpin' on my chest."
  7. by   BrendaH84
    a totally lucid person said after hearing they would be admitted for a few days, "disconnect me from my IV, I'm gonna run to walmart and get some things, I'll be back."
  8. by   chacha82
    VERY confused patient having flashbacks to some type of Cold War/East Germany military experience. I heard quite a bit of what must have been classified intelligence in the 1970s!
  9. by   sevensonnets
    This patient kept trying to get out of bed forgetting the fact that he had no legs. So he spent a lot of time in a heap on the floor. One time he just reached up and got his pillow and blanket and just got comfy for a nap in the floor. I came in and said, "Oh, no Mr. M, you fell again! This is the second time today!" He said, "I did not fall. It was a controlled landing."
  10. by   KatieMI
    Not actually saying but something written on thank-you note the patient gave to NM. It went approximately like this: thank you, nurses (names) for providing excellent service for me. I couldn't expect the better waiting on me, all my wishes were satisfied so perfectly, I was feeling like I was the most important person for every nurse who waited on me every day.

    Should I also say that it was the one patient everybody wanted so much to see wheeled out of sight that when it finally happened the whole shift had a pizza party after work, paid by the said NM for our sufferings?
  11. by   sevensonnets
    One of my favorite patients was deaf and blind. He kept the call button in his hand at all times but never ever used it. He could feel the vibrations of people walking past in the hall and call out to them. I was going down the hall one evening and heard this little voice go, "Helloooo? I could eat a cow!"
  12. by   sarahlee23
    I work nights in LTC, and one night I was giving one of the residents with dementia a wheelchair ride around the building since sometimes that helped settle him. At one point he turned to me in his wheelchair and said "Do I need to call your mother?" Out of curiosity I asked him if he thought it would help. He stared at me for a moment, then I got "Not a **** bit." All of us got a laugh out of that one.
    Last edit by AN Admin Team on Apr 15
  13. by   C0SM0
    I work in the OR. One day anesthesia was putting a four-year-old child under, and he became combative and starting kicking and screaming. As I was holding him down, he stared deep into my soul and screamed "YOU ARE NOT INVITED TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!". Well that's wonderful, Timmy, because you're not invited to mine either.