Family member hurt my somewhat fragile new grad confidence

[BlueChocolateCat]

Hi all,

I'm just looking for some "pats on the back" and to hear about similar experiences, because I know this not the first time this has happened to a nurse and I'm sure I will experience this again.

I am a new grad in a very intense cardiac surgery ICU. I've been working there about six months now. I think I have been doing very well. My co-workers like working with me and they tell me I'm doing a great job, especially for a new grad. Literally on this same day, I had my first review with my manager who told me I am doing a great job and have fully met all expectations (apparently, this is somewhat unusual for a review with our managers). Many times I have had patient's families express how happy they are with my care and I make them feel comfortable and confident. Many patients want me to stay with them as their nurse when I transfer them to stepdown. I'm working hard to try to build up my confidence in this intense environment.

Anyways, I had it happened to me for the first time.

My patient's wife didn't want me back has his nurse!

As a background, my patient was very sick, intubated, and sedated. The night before my shift, the charge nurse specifically chose me to work with this patient assignment because both families were very demanding and they felt I work very well with difficult families. I worked hard for this patient all day and I spent more time in his room than I would have liked to because I felt like my other patient wasn't getting appropriate attention. The main reason that I spent so much time in his room was because the wife obviously liked information. She struck me as an intelligent woman. I explained every medication I gave, I explained every drip, I constantly reinforced my plans for my shift, and let her sit in the cramped room all day even though I constantly had to jump around her to reach machines, the patient, and drips. The wife was outrageously doting. Like, excessive, (if I'm allowed to have an opinion).

Anyways, as I left that night, the charge nurse took over for me, and asked if I wanted this assignment again. I told her that would be fine. Well, I come in the next day, and I had a completely different assignment. According to the charge, the patient's wife felt like she didn't "connect" with me and requested someone else. She didn't cite anything specific. Ironically, the person that was reassigned to this patient has just about as much experience as me and sometimes comes to me for advice on situations.

At first, I felt like I was just going to brush it off my shoulder. But as I think about it, I'm finding myself upset. I'm irritated that the wife didn't seem to understand how hard I tried to keep everyone happy, including her. And I also feel like my confidence is hurt. Did I appear incompetent to her? DID I make a mistake that I don't even realize?

Just looking for similar experiences and maybe some humor!

Thanks everyone!

[SeattleJess]

I'm only a nursing student but based on decades in another career... I think you dodged a bullet. Whatever happened was way over on wife's side of the line. It probably has nothing to do with you.

[klone, MSN, RN]

I thought it was harsh, and I'm usually the one who is accused of harshness.

Okay, I laughed at this, because I think I"m the one who usually accuses you of harshness.

I guess I need to rein in my "board mom" tendencies.

[THELIVINGWORST, ASN, RN]

Now if only WE could fire THEM..........

I do fire them and refuse to take them the next day if they've been disrespectful to me.

[SubSippi]

Or it's more possible that she throws around a lot of jargon without really understanding it. Especially if her husband is a frequent flier. We see this all the time, and it's difficult to deal with. They want to be respected because they "know all about it" and since they really DON'T, you want to educate. But since they already know all about it -- or think they do -- they don't want the education. They want validation on how smart they are.

YES I see this all the time. Just the other night, a patient's son just about had me fooled into thinking he had worked in CT surgery (he was THAT good with the jargon), and I was about to ask him, until he said, "And how often are you palpating the abdomen for rebound tenderness?"

Turns out he was an administrator in a hospital a few hours away.

[Here.I.Stand, BSN, RN]

I fired a nurse, years ago. My husband was critically ill with cancer, in the ICU. A nurse came in to give him a med. I asked her what it was and what it was for. She couldn't answer, admitting that she didn't know.

I didn't make a stink at the time, but that evening called and requested that my husband not have that nurse again. He did die a few weeks later, sadly.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[imintrouble, BSN, RN]

There are times I'd fire a patient if I were allowed.

If the patient wants to fire me, I can relate.

I get upset when the patient says they don't want me, before I can say I don't want them.

[Susie2310]

BlueChocolateCat,

You have received many different opinions here. You come across (to me) in your posts as someone who is conscientiously examining their practice, and as someone who tries to take good care of their patients and their patient/s family members. Some people on this thread have posted comments that do not give your patient's wife the benefit of the doubt that she may simply be a devoted and concerned spouse who is under a huge amount of stress. I urge you to give her that benefit of the doubt. As nurses we care for patients AND their families. True, some family members are genuinely difficult. Only you can weigh up the situation you were in.

I encourage you to move forward, knowing that you did the best you could, knowing the areas you could improve on, maintaining a positive and caring attitude towards your patients and their family members.

Best wishes to you.

[myelyn]

...I'm not an RN, but I have been dealing/witnessing cheap, difficult, or anxious complainers. You're an RN. Meaning, you have shown competency. Since there was no citation, then don't sweat it. Always remember that sick people and (especially) their family members/relatives are facing difficult times, which make them obsessive, anxious, uncomfortable, and/or finicky. The families of sick people fear something that we can't feel. They are worried and they don't know what to do except searching for someone who can satisfy their needs/wants in order to treat their love ones. If firing you was to ease their anxiety, then let it be.

I hope it helps you.

[Julius Seizure]

But all these family members see is a crisis happening and their loved one narrowly escaping death, no matter what you tell them. While we might be having a great time (an unstable CABG/AVR is my favorite way to spend a Friday night), they're panicking.

This is so true. :) Gosh I love cardiac surgical ICU, hehe...

[NursePursuing]

Pleasing Every Family out there is absolutley impossible!! Keep your confidence and don't let it get you down because thinking about it over and over again will drive you crazy.

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

People that are too nice and too accommodating can often come across as insecure or pretentious.

People who are overly nice or too accommodating sometimes come across as if they do not have personal boundaries, and nobody truly respects a person who cannot even establish the most minimal of boundaries.

[Tenebrae, BSN, RN]

I hope you're not BRAGGING about your nasty behavior.

Wow I forget just how judgmental nurses can be. I like how you assume nasty behavior from one post on a message board.

My bad behavior, you mean about not wanting the nasty ***** who accused me of leaving a patient in a urine soaked bed when I didnt? Or uttterly shat on me and totally disrespected my clinical tutor. How do you assume the nurse patient therapeutic relationship should work when I've seen the nastiness side of the nurse possible and trusted as far as I could kick them. FYI, I didnt yell about it, I wasnt rude about it and I certainly didnt use profanity because I do know what its like to be on the receiving end. I also know that when people start screaming and yelling those listening stop listening. The clinical manager having been involved with the bullying episode and knowing exactly what this nurse could be like very nicely obliged my request.

The result of not having the dressing done properly, leads to reformation of the abcess and potential further surgery. And after six days wasnt really down with that. Again, I was perfectly polite about it. Despite the fact that I'd been waiting 12 hours to be discharged. I requested that the dressing be done in a specific way to ensure the wound didnt close up and the abcess reform

And this is the problem, if a patient speaks up for their rights, they are accused of being nasty