family issues

[canoehead]

My sister has cancer, she's 40 years old with two elementary school kids and a single mother. she is not likely to survive, though we might get ten years of ups and downs if we get lucky.

I can't talk to any friends because of her legal issues with the ex. I've mentioned my need for time off to the boss and filled her in, with the surgery date. Unfortunately my head is likely to blow off before we even start this roller coaster, I'm a bit stressed. I'm upset at home and cranky at work.

My sister and I have a rocky relationship at the very best of times. Dad called me about her illness. I emailed her with sympathy and offers of help, got a short thank you and then I asked her if she would like me to get her a freezer for Christmas, so we could fill it, and she wouldn't have to worry about meals. No answer.

I guess we all know this, but it's so different when it's your own family. HUGE difference.

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

Sending hugs. This just sucks.

You can only offer to go forward from here, today. The past is the past, no one can change it, we all react as we do and do what we may or may not have done, as it seemed logical at the time.

I hope that in time, there can be some resolution and peace.

[bb007rn]

((((HUGS)))) and prayers for you and your family....I cannot even imagine, and therefore have no other words. (And the freezer idea sounds great to me!)

[motherof3sons]

Hugs and prayers for you during this time.

[Debilpn23]

Hugs for you and your family during this difficult time.

[ThomasBonifacio]

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. Prayers sent your way.

[TriciaJ, RN]

What an impossible situation! You're ready to go the extra mile for your sister, and she can't get past being prickly and uncommunicative. I think I'd put most of my energy developing a relationship with those kids. Regardless of where they end up, it would be great for them to always have Auntie as a go-to person. Good luck!

[firstinfamily, RN]

Wow, what a challenge for you and your sister, your family. I have had sick family but not sick siblings and I do believe there is a unique difference. You say you both were not close as sisters, those old feelings are most likely going to keep coming to the surface. This is going to be an emotional rollarcoaster for the two of you. Did your Dad call you because you are the nurse in the family or because he wants you to help? Are you the strong one in the family? I think the freezer idea was great and if you are going to be fully involved in this scenario perhaps you should just go ahead and get a small freezer to save yourself from having to prepare a lot of meals at short notice. Her kids are going to have to eat!! Do you have your own family to care for as well? I get the feeling you have seen pts go through this process and how difficult it is for their loved ones, that is how it will be for you. A lot of old emotion will come to the surface and probably some new sensations as well. I would start with some counseling from Hospice if possible, perhaps they could help guide you in ways of support for her. There are some social programs that provide services without one having to be completely financially devastated. She should designate all her legal wishes, guardians for her kids, division of property before she gets too sick to do so. That would be my first priority, there are many ways to do this without paying a fortune to a lawyer. Check your states guidelines for Healthcare Decision or Advance Directives etc. Be honest with her and with her kids. Hold group meetings so everyone is on the same page and hopefully this will eliminate some of the tension in the family. I cannot imagine myself in your position. YOu have to take care of yourself and your family(your kids) so try to avoid getting yourself exhausted through this process. All of us are here whenever you need us!!

[iPink, BSN, RN]

Sorry you and your family is going through this but make it a priority to restore your sisterhood. You don't want any regrets.

Sent via iPink's phone using allnurses

[xoemmylouox, ASN, RN]

I'm sorry you are going through this. So often we see dysfunction with our patients and their families. The OP is 100% right when they said its different when it's your own. Try to be supportive, but know your limitations.

[been there,done it]

Your sister has received a life threatening diagnosis.

Your position as a nurse should not be a factor in the family dynamics.

You have offered assistance and been ignored... do you need to beat your head against THAT wall?

Do what you can to support the FAMILY.. without becoming everyone's nurse.

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you. Terminal disease doesn't magically change people, it usually magnifies who they are. So if she's been difficult and not willing to connect....then she's going to stay in character most likely. Rarely a miraculous transformation will take place, and the family will get that Hallmark moment. More likely, you'll have to accept your sister for whom and how she is, and have whatever limited relationship is possible while she's still with you. Make the best of what you CAN have and try not to pine for what you'd like to have.

What's going to happen to her kids?

she's making arrangement for custody to go to my parents.

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

If my sister is not communicating with me then I stand ready to help my parents as they help her, and they know that. Unfortunately, if she doesn't want me to know about the gritty details then I might not know what they need unless they tell me. Just because we don't get along doesn't mean I don't care. I do, very much, and I want to be part of the team working to beat this. Childhood feelings of not being considered part of my own family will come again, and that's not going to be productive. I also don't want to vent to mom and dad, because they have enough to deal with, but because of legal issues, I can't talk about it outside the family. I plan on being there for the surgery and ICU stay no matter what.