family issues

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

My sister has cancer, she's 40 years old with two elementary school kids and a single mother. she is not likely to survive, though we might get ten years of ups and downs if we get lucky.

I can't talk to any friends because of her legal issues with the ex. I've mentioned my need for time off to the boss and filled her in, with the surgery date. Unfortunately my head is likely to blow off before we even start this roller coaster, I'm a bit stressed. I'm upset at home and cranky at work.

My sister and I have a rocky relationship at the very best of times. Dad called me about her illness. I emailed her with sympathy and offers of help, got a short thank you and then I asked her if she would like me to get her a freezer for Christmas, so we could fill it, and she wouldn't have to worry about meals. No answer.

I guess we all know this, but it's so different when it's your own family. HUGE difference.

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

I guess we all know this, but it's so different when it's your own family. HUGE difference.

I have no advice to offer. I just wanted to offer my cyber support and positive thoughts during this rough time. (((hugs)))

[Tina, RN]

I have no advice to offer. I just wanted to offer my cyber support and positive thoughts during this rough time. (((hugs)))

I just wanted to second this... Big hugs to you.

[Miss-kate]

Good luck with everything, I would also like to offer my virtual hugs to you. Xxx

[Ruas61, BSN, RN]

It's a tough road. Good thoughts for you all.

[SHGR, MSN, RN, CNS]

That was a really thoughtful idea, to offer the freezer full of food. Sorry you are going through this.

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

Thanks everyone. Just getting this big secret out is helpful.

[Red Kryptonite]

I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you. Terminal disease doesn't magically change people, it usually magnifies who they are. So if she's been difficult and not willing to connect....then she's going to stay in character most likely. Rarely a miraculous transformation will take place, and the family will get that Hallmark moment. More likely, you'll have to accept your sister for whom and how she is, and have whatever limited relationship is possible while she's still with you. Make the best of what you CAN have and try not to pine for what you'd like to have.

What's going to happen to her kids?

[sharpeimom]

I'm so sorry, Canoehead. I've been in your position -- sort of. I left a job in Chicago and moved home again to help with my mom, who was dying of cancer. It's borderline impossible to be a daughter without being a nurse as well. It practically broke my heart to see her as she was at that point instead of as she had been.

I realize you have a different relationship with a sister than you have with a mother, but there are also many similarities. I moved into my old bedroom until I could assess the situation. Hospice had been called in and I was able to attend but as a daughter and not a nurse. Oh yeah... That worked well! Not! I learned that my sweet, funny, wonderful, competent, mom was going to die, and soon.

She had had breast ca almost ten years earlier and we were told they got it all. Now it was back and with a vengeance. She had it in her remaining beast, liver, bones, pancreas, and eventually, her brain. She had chemo and radiation strictly as comfort measures.

As the brain ca progressed, my mom suddenly decided that I was the enemy. No amount of reasoning changed her mind. I never knew when I walked into a room, whether she'd look up, smile, and say, "Hiya Babe!" as she'd always done, or look at me coldly and ask, "What have you come to steal this time?"

About two weeks after I moved back home, my mom's twin sister came to stay. She was an elementary principal and used to unquestioned authority. I was given more information because I had been given both financial and medical POA for my mom when my dad died unexpectedly and it made my aunt furious that she had to ask me for details. She'd say, "But I'm E's TWIN and she's only her daughter!" I think if my aunt had been just a bit more cooperative, she'd have been included in more meetings. For example, my mom chose to be a DNR after watching Grandma languish with Parkinson's Disease. You can just imagine how my mom's (not mine) decision to choose to be DNR went over. I tried to explain that even if she hadn't chosen it earlier, hospice policy was comfort care only and DNR only. That conversation was a bomb from the beginning and when my mom tried to explain her reasoning, Aunt E. told her she was senile! My mom wasn't senile by that point, just sort of pleasantly confused. She was like Aunt Clara on Bewitched sometimes and almost her old self the rest of the time. My parents were lawyers. My dad had an office downtown and was part of the corporate world while my mom chose to stay home with me when I was little and practice what she referred to as "kitchen table law" known now as family law. She became so entrenched in her "at home" practice that she never switched over. If anyone knew what she was doing until near the end, it was my mom. She knew when to take her shingle down.

The last two months were rough, but there were tender moments, funny moments, many totally exasperating moments along the way. I'm glad Aunt E. could come and stay but there were times when I wanted to send her home in a box with airholes punched in

the top! There still some things we still avoid talking about because we know we'll never agree and it has been 27 years. Twenty seven more years could pass and it would be the same.

I had kind, supportive aunties and great aunties as well. But it is Aunt E. who stands out the most. Unfortunately.

I apologize for the length of my post. I was trying to be supportive. It's hard enough to provide a person with advanced ca with the needed support, keep your own emotions in control when you get along well. When you don't, many other issues rear their ugly heads. All you can do is take it slowly. Sending hugs.

[Whispera, MSN, RN]

I'm sending hugs too...

[Here.I.Stand, BSN, RN]

Hugs and prayers for your sis, you, and family! That was an incredible idea to buy her a freezer to fill for her.

[nursel56]

Hugs and well-wishes for everyone in your family, canoehead. I imagine her attitude toward accepting help will change as she gets further into her surgery and treatments.