Exhausted; I want a way out.

[KalipsoRed21]

How do I continue to do this career? I feel like I’ve tried every available, reasonable option. I’ve worked the floor, I worked the E.R, I’ve travel nursed, I did clinical coordinator, and now I do Home Health....suppose to be part time but never is. I’ve driven 1.5 hours to get to work and I’ve worked 30min away from my home. I have been a nurse for 11 years this month and I’m just tired of trying to make it work. Part of my pain is something that has nothing to do with work...and yet does a little bit. Because I was traveling around and trying to find a fit, and because I can count on one hand the amount of men I have worked with, I did not date much and thus did not get married until I was 33. My husband and I have been trying to have a child and it isn’t working out well. We have been told that IVF is our only realistic option but we can’t even get approved for a loan to do it due to my husband’s previous debt. And unfortunately I only make 50k a year and only have a house payment in my name, but they tell me for my husband and I to get approved for the loan we would need to make about 130k a year. My husband is a tradesman and we have never made more than 80k together in a year. However last year he did not have any work at all (Trumps great economy my ***.) Adoption is about as much as IVF and since my husband and I are older also a kind of long shot. (He is 57 and I am 38).

Yes I could probably go back to travel nursing or return to the ER and make more money than I do now, but I’m just tired. Travel nursing was not terrible, but it is always having to learn a new place, system, doctors, and hope you are following their policies correctly when everyone is to busy for you to ask questions. And it is lonely as my husband can’t get work if he is traveling with me. The ER was okay until my dad died 2 years ago and then all the sudden it got very hard to take care of codes for me. Now I do Home Health which is a cake walk compared to my hospital experience, except the charting. Like I can see all my 6-7 patients in 8.5 hours, and I do try to chart as I see them, but I usually have 2-3 hours of charting to do every evening once getting home. Not to mention that I always have to work a little the day before calling the patients with visit times and organizing my day (my agency requires we call the night before between 5-9pm). I usually drive 80-100 miles a day. And thus I feel like I never get a real day off because either I’m catching up on my charting or I have to be home to receive my schedule (we have EPIC and no longer get the schedule emailed to our phones, it is only on our work computer and I’m not carrying that around everywhere) by a certain time. And if the people doing the schedule are late putting it out then I can’t get to things I want to do like yoga which is from 6pm-7:30pm. As I don’t have a full team of patients that are mine, I always have 4-5 people on my schedule that I am unfamiliar with. So unlike full time people who kind of know who they are going to see day to day, I almost never do.

I just feel there is no winning with nursing. In all of my jobs I almost NEVER get out on time. I almost ALWAYS have more patients than agreed to be caring for in my interview. I mean hell, when my dad died at 11am it took until 6pm for the hospital to get things squared away so I could leave without fear of abandonment. I actively now screen my calls and I NEVER pick up, then get ***ed at for not being a team player. This last job in home health I made it very, very, very clear that my time comes first. It isn’t about money, although I definitely deserve the money they are paying me plus some. I gave back a 10K bonus and was like ‘All I want from you is a work load that allows me to have my life back.’ Needless to say there is always some excuse why I have 7 patients instead of 6, or why my 6 patients are 80-100miles of drive time. I’m just done. There is always some reason why we (me and my coworkers) need to do more and be better. There is minimal education with outrageous expectations. I am just done. I am a good, reliable, safe, and compassionate nurse. I have worked many, many jobs and have maybe met a handful that I could not describe in the same manner. It isn’t us not doing the work right or well or fast enough that’s the problem. It’s the institutions and their ***ing nut job expectations. It is patients that go to hospitals called ‘Hospitality’ (that is the real name of a hospital in the Houston, Texas area BTW) expecting a spa day instead of care and business minded idiots who set up that expectation from the get go by naming their ***ing institution Hospitality. I just want to go to work, do my job, and be allowed to leave on time 90% of the time. I want to be able to pee regularly and have a regular lunch break, and lastly I want to have enough energy when I get home (or the next day) to have sex with my husband so I can hopefully have a family....so I can have my life.

Sadly I just don’t see that as a possibility as a nurse without just being a real ***. Like I am just going to have to say no to being in any committee, to staying late EVER for anyone else, to working extra or working over. I find this really hard to do because I believe in team work. I know that team work is how we make it through, but if I stick to my own I can get done. If I do nothing extra I can be with my husband and not be quite as exhausted. I just don’t see how helping others means I have to sacrifice myself this much and I really don’t see humans as worthy of the sacrifice of myself as I once did when I was 22 and really idealistic. I believe everyone deserves good, data based, compassionate care, just not at the expense of my life and desires....ever.

[Oldmahubbard]

I am sad to hear this on several levels. It used to be that people exhausted from the hospital nonsense, personalities, and schedule, could go into Home Care and make a little less. It was well worth it.

Since then the charting for every visit has exploded x 10 and most Home Care nurses do their voluminous paperwork for free. At home. At night.

[Crystal-Wings, LVN]

On 6/17/2019 at 11:18 AM, Sour Lemon said:

Hate to rain even more on the parade ...but not only is adoption a long shot, so is IVF at age 38. With such a high probability of failure, a large amount of existing debt, and a spouse in their late 50's, it's not something I would borrow money for.

We all want what we want, but it may be time to start considering other things in life that might bring you happiness.

^^^This.

[NewMexNurse, ADN, MSN, RN]

Try procedural nursing. GI clinic, Day Surgery, Eye surgery. Mostly stable patient, known schedule, no weekends.

[KalipsoRed21, BSN, RN]

Listen, I am grateful for the advice. I AM grieving and my husband is oblivious to it because he still believes that if I would relax I would get pregnant (we’ve been trying for 5 years), my mother still has hope and believes I’m not praying enough, and the rest of my family is self righteous enough about why it’s okay if I don’t have kids because: “You have always been young at heart.” A condescending way of telling me they think I’m too immature to be a mother. “You won’t have to worry about organizing care since your husband isn’t wanting to stay at home with a kid.” A double punch at me demonstrating their opinion of my lack of ability to be an adult AND to point out that I made a mistake in marrying a guy that was to old in their opinion. All unfounded self righteous opinions as I have been a functional adult since I was 20. But I was a goofy, care-free teen and they have never much moved past that opinion of me. Even now with a decade of nursing experience and an excellent track record in my field with rewards from my employers, they still ‘remind me’ not to play to much with my nieces and nephews because the kids don’t need me ‘getting them rowdy’.

I have always liked much older men. I am not unfamiliar with generation gap in my relationship. But because of those experiences I am pretty up front about what I want despite our age difference. I was that way before we go married, he’s had plenty of time to be worried about his age and starting over. I didn’t manipulate him into it, that was the discussion before we had sex. My desires for my future and his desires. I also feel like anyone who doesn’t understand how many people do not end up with the love of their life in marriage has probably been fortunate, but that is far from the average experience. That I love my husband very much and did not end up with the man I was head over heels with due to that man’s choice. You can’t make anyone stay. But there does come a point where you can recognize a good person and a friend; and say to yourself well if s/he is willing to go into the future with me then hopefully this will be good enough. If you haven’t had to experience that, good for you. If you are willing to be alone instead of settle for a decent situation, again good for you. I had been mostly alone for 7 years when I met my husband, I didn’t want to be alone anymore. He is a good guy, I believe somewhat ambivalent about my desire to have kids, but he also recognizes that our only option is to have hope because we really can’t afford any other kind of fertility treatment due to our lack of fertility coverage without sacrificing all of our financial future. I could go get another job, and I’ve been looking and am grateful for the suggestions.

As far as people telling me how unfulfilling kids can be and the self sacrificing they would require. Please stop. I am not blind. I have been an ER nurse and did some pediatric care. Had my own daycare business in my late teens and early 20s. I am very aware that children are not a ‘fix’ to a bad situation. That they may/probably/won’t live up to my expectations. That I may have the relationship with them that I desire or that they may hate me for bringing them into this world. Not to mention the increased chances of bringing a extremely special needs child into the world due to our age. All I can tell you is that I know that, in fact I would say most people in their 30 and early 40s trying to have children are acutely aware of these issues. That it is sort of felt as an attempt to diminish my desire for children and a family by bringing up all the downsides....like I think this is a large reason that people with fertility issues don’t talk about it. Sorta like a clinician who refuses to talk to a young person with a serious and fairly fatal disease process who wants to talk about death and dying. The clinician just focuses the conversation on hope in the next treatment. It just avoids the hole that the person is trying to address and figure out. Please don’t take this as me trying to say that was anyone’s intent, just is what it feels like. I want a family. All I can say is that i am acutely aware of the pitfalls in my situation, I am aware of the downsides of having children, and the embedded desire I have had since I was a teenager to have a baby has not diminished. And while contributing to ‘other’ children is nice; it is not being a mother.

That due to this hole everything else is diminished, especially my career. Nursing has never been a calling for me. I do enjoy the times I actually get to help people, but in today’s over documenting world we live in it often feels a choice between taking good care of my patients or doing a half *** job so I can get my paperwork done and leave on time so I can live MY life. Nursing has never been MY life. It has been the way I have paid my bills and worked my way out of debt I would have never been in had I not been trying to do things the ‘right and responsible’ way. Nursing would be a decent career if it were treated like a career. But all to often it is treated as a career when a facility wants to talk pay, and then a self sacrificing, Mother Theresa like cult when the facility talks about the actual labor they wish us to be accountable for.

[TAKOO01, BSN]

1 hour ago, KalipsoRed21 said:

I also feel like anyone who doesn’t understand how many people do not end up with the love of their life in marriage has probably been fortunate, but that is far from the average experience

1 hour ago, KalipsoRed21 said:

But there does come a point where you can recognize a good person and a friend; and say to yourself well if s/he is willing to go into the future with me then hopefully this will be good enough. If you haven’t had to experience that, good for you. If you are willing to be alone instead of settle for a decent situation, again good for you.

1 hour ago, KalipsoRed21 said:

As far as people telling me how unfulfilling kids can be and the self sacrificing they would require. Please stop

1 hour ago, KalipsoRed21 said:

Nursing would be a decent career if it were treated like a career. But all to often it is treated as a career when a facility wants to talk pay, and then a self sacrificing, Mother Theresa like cult when the facility talks about the actual labor they wish us to be accountable for

Amazing, smart responses and all so true. Im so rooting for you! Do what you know is right for you.

You really did do all the right things, and believe it or not, you are still doing them. You have recognized that you are not on the path to what you want. So you are figuring out how to readjust. Its not too late to try for the things you want and you still have choices you can make.

[Jkloo]

In your husbands defense, he is 57. Having a newborn at this point isn't fair to the child from my view. My dad was 50 when he had me. He retired when I was 12, I was in 6th grade. We were really restricted on doing activities together because of his age, hiking, traveling, sports, he was from an entirely different generation from my peers dad's. It sacked. By 20, he was 70. He will almost certainly be dead before he sees any grandchildren from me. It will be worse for your husband, and take it from me it's not fair to your child either. I always have to consider my choices in life knowing my time with him is very limited, it's odd and upsetting to see people in their 50s with their parents still alive. Just something to consider....you don't realize it unless your parents were older when they had you.

[brandy1017, ASN, RN]

Sorry to hear about your dad's death compounded by not being allowed to leave work. I'm sure it adds to the hurt. As to not wanting to deal with codes and the ER since it sounds like some sort of PTSD trauma from the situation. Understandable and not uncommon.

As to the conservative religious upbringing that you felt contributed to your present state of life, personally I feel it is meant to control women. First they are to obey the parents, particularly the father and then their husband.

Now women are in a quandary where in seeking out further education and a career they end up postponing marriage and family all the while their biological clock is ticking away. It sounds like you are probably shy, that you were not comfortable seeking dating relationships which today involves the internet. That has probably contributed to your current situation.

You are not alone, there are many women in your situation that find themselves childless not by choice. I hope you will be one of the lucky ones that is able to have a baby in spite of all the obstacles.

That said, it doesn't sound like it will be easy going. Your husband will be looking forward to retirement soon so you will continue to be the main breadwinner, plus you said he carries a lot of debt. Can he declare bankruptcy to get rid of the debt or is it for unpaid child support, back taxes or student loans that isn't an option? If he could declare bankruptcy it would put you on a better financial footing. I don't know if that is possible since you are married if both incomes count or if filing taxes separately that would be an option.

I agree with the others that some counseling might help and should be covered by your medical insurance. From what you've disclosed it sounds like your husband is perfectly content with the current situation and is reluctant to have another child. His attitude could create problems for your relationship and any child you do end up having. You have a lot to think about. I wish you peace.

[iluvivt, BSN, RN]

If you want a child then you keep trying and don't give up unless it's truly hopeless.I suffered from endometriosis for years but I hung on year after year with many surgeries and constant drug treatment.I was scheduled for a wedge resection of my right ovary because the pain was getting intolerable.While waiting for the surgery I got pregnant and my miracle baby girl just turned 22.I can't imagine my life without her....You find a way!

[Nurse SMS, MSN, RN]

18 hours ago, NurseBlaq said:

I am not sure where or why you think I am "mad". We have a difference in opinion. I didn't call you out with rude words, gestures, "loudly wrong" accusations. I offered a difference in opinion by stating I was uncomfortable with your estimation of a selfishness on the part of the spouse.

I will bow out of this discussion, as it detracts from the distress of the OP.

To the OP, I do hope you find peace. My husband is also 17 years older than me and I definitely relate to the kinds of assumptions, prejudices and challenges that can present with that.

I hope you get the child you wish and I hope your heart finds peace.

[Workitinurfava, BSN, RN]

13 hours ago, Oldmahubbard said:

I am sad to hear this on several levels. It used to be that people exhausted from the hospital nonsense, personalities, and schedule, could go into Home Care and make a little less. It was well worth it.

Since then the charting for every visit has exploded x 10 and most Home Care nurses do their voluminous paperwork for free. At home. At night.

It's insane, the amount of charting. I ran from homecare due to it.

[NurseBlaq]

1 hour ago, not.done.yet said:

I am not sure where or why you think I am "mad". We have a difference in opinion. I didn't call you out with rude words, gestures, "loudly wrong" accusations. I offered a difference in opinion by stating I was uncomfortable with your estimation of a selfishness on the part of the spouse.

I will bow out of this discussion, as it detracts from the distress of the OP.

Maybe it had something to do with your snarky reply and being loudly wrong. You came off as a jerk so I responded in kind. It wasn't an estimation when OP revealed these things herself.

Nevertheless, I agree with the distraction and will leave this difference be and return focus to OP.

[BrisketRN, BSN, RN]

My heart hurts for you. I also struggle with infertility, and many times when I open up to people they don't know what to say and often say something that can be painful for me. It sounds like you're going through a very rough period. All I can say is that I am so sorry, and I hope things turn around for you.