Doctors Say the Darnedest Things

Ruby Vee, BSN · May 4, 2017

I in CCU and was caring for a patient who had an intra-aortic balloon pump, a ventilator and a few more odds and ends of invasive monitoring. The patient was scheduled for a CABG (in the days before interventional cardiology) and the anesthesiologist was there to evaluate the patient. It was just before 7am shift change, and the attending anesthesiologist had shown up instead of one of the residents. He wasn't pleased to be doing the pre-op evaluation himself, and was pretty unpleasant. Finally, he told me to "Sit him up so I can listen to his lungs."

The patient was large, had a tube in every orifice and the big fat line from his femoral artery into his aorta made sitting him up a very bad idea even if I could have managed. Balloon pumps were relatively new then, and it was possible that the anesthesiologist didn't understand the contraindications, so I started to explain that "If you help me roll him over, I'll hold him so you can listen to his back."

The anesthesiologist threw a tantrum the likes of which I have rarely seen, screaming that he was a very important doctor, "Just like Dr. Aardvard (our medical director), and if you wouldn't ask HIM to help you turn a patient, you shouldn't be asking ME."

At that point, I heard a voice over my shoulder -- Dr. Aardvard -- asking, "Ruby would you like me to help you turn that patient?"

CassandraCole · May 4, 2017

Me: lots of the nurses r having a hard time reading your orders.

MD: it's secret squirrel, not "bad" writing

bekabsn · May 4, 2017

Definitely my favorite one!

Mine too!!!!

Nancy518 · May 4, 2017

A new ob resident to a obviously nervous patient getting a pelvic: quack quack! While holding the speculum to his face!

beckyr308 · May 4, 2017

I worked in OB for 42 years! I remember a certain doctor, when we called him to get orders for his patient, he'd always say, "Sit on her"! I always wished I could have written that as an order!!

Kackl · May 4, 2017

An older woman who was well known to the ED staff came in monthly via EMS with complaints of "back pain," but just wanted her foley changed. The doctor in his 70s goes in and determines that she just wants her foley changed as usual. As he is leaving her room she says "hey, Dr., how about some of that dilaudid?" To which he replies "how about hell no?"

Flyerfanrn · May 4, 2017

I was working with a doc checking on a patient when the father of the patient was literally hanging over the doctors shoulder telling him what to do. Finally, Dr R turned around and said "get off my lawn"!!

Matygr1107 · May 4, 2017

"That patient was just diagnosed with TB....I hope you didn't inhale while in the room."

Ravarrato1 · May 4, 2017

"Some clothes should come with warning labels and weight limits."

Philkell13 · May 4, 2017

Working with a doc who doesn't always use English the correct way. 'staring into space' me:what can I help with? Doc: "I didn't sleep much, I'm feeling, how you say, woke up on the wrong side of the bed?" Me:feisty? Doc: feisty? No, grunchy! Me: that's not a word doc: laughing, now it is :) he meant grumpy and grouchy all in one

Caprica6 · May 4, 2017

I was covering for lunch when the almost brand-new intern (it was the end of July) came in to see one of my colleague's patients. I was in the middle of pushing IV Lasix on one of my patients, so I didn't get to the bedside as quickly as the intern liked. As he was famous for doing in such situations, he turned to me and said "she needs a shampoo STAT." I told him sorry, but I was covering four ICU patients and I couldn't give a STAT shampoo -- it would have to wait until my colleague got back from lunch.
"I ordered a STAT shampoo," he said. "And I want it done RIGHT NOW!" He actually wrote the order for a STAT shampoo.
I reiterated that there's no such thing as a STAT shampoo, and even if there was it would have to wait until my colleague returned.
"If you don't do the shampoo right NOW, I'm going to call a code," he said. And did.
The entire code team descended on the MICU, including the guy's resident and Fellow. The last I saw of him, he was being escorted off the unit by his superiors and I could hear one of them telling him, "I didn't know (insert name of Medical School) let complete idiots graduate . . . "

I am a wee bit spicy and have been known to respond to ridiculous requests such as these with not so subtle sarcasm...I would have advised him to enter a STAT consult for a hairdresser to ensure the shampoo was done properly and to his high standards.

Chronic Care Coordinator · May 4, 2017

On the postpartum floor.

Me(Nursing Supervisor) to charge nurse" Any discharges?"

OB Attending (standing next to me at the nurse's station) with a straight face "No! I checked!"

The entire team erupted laughing!