There's a girl I like in nursing school whom I met in a math tutoring center at my school we were both going to. Right now she's in nursing school and I'm doing pre-reqs for nursing school. I only met her during her last semester. The first time I met her was her last semester there at the school we were at. She got accepted into nursing school at a college I'm trying to get into. She visited the campus we met at a couple times in the math lab she used to work at where I'd get help from her and her colleagues her first semester in nursing school. I talked to her a bit about me working for a warehouse that was operated under a hospital and managed by a former Surgical tech. The surgical tech who managed the warehouse inspired me into nursing school where I'd go to use my GI bill.
I asked her if I could keep in touch with her and she said yes and I asked for her email which she gave me. Toward the end of her first semester in nursing school and for school for me I asked her if she was seeing anybody. She said not while she's in nursing school. Now, SHE DID NOT say "No, not while I'm in nursing school but if you want to do something sometime, I'm graduating in December of 2016 so shoot me an email". She also did NOT say "No, not while I'm in nursing school and I'm not into you anyways but thanks for asking". She just simply said "No, not while I'm in nursing school." Any way, I was cool with her discipline.
So, I emailed her throughout the following semester(her second in nursing school). I'd send her emails maybe once a week about stuff like news or events or how she's doing or something about the lottery or anything. The only time she ever emailed me was about a filipino dessert. The whole time she's not responding to any of my email. I'm like it's ok, she's focusing on a very important career.
One night, I go into the college, the one she's going to for nursing school, library and see her with a group of people I'm assuming her classmates. I am in a room doing Russian homework and she goes into one next to mine with her classmates. I see her and walk up to go outside and wave hello. She's digging in her bag for something and sees me, as I'm about to wave she turns her back on me not acknowledging me. I've been patient with this girl for 5-6 months with maybe 1 email reply about Filipino dessert.
It was as if I was shutdown or something. Or blown off or ignored. It was rude because I just wanted to say hello. I felt crushed and went back into the room I was in. I then see her walking around with some guy in the library as if they're talking. I don't know who the guy is. So seeing that she couldn't even WAIVE at me hello and that she walked around with a guy as if they were "talking", I sent her friend a tense email with a lot of name calling.
I didn't send it to her because she was in the program and I was honoring her discipline. Kinda like a sniper not shooting at a combat medic letting the combat medic attend to a wounded soldier. I'm not in nursing school yet so I don't know what it's like, I've only heard rumors. I also sent her a separate email that didn't have name calling.
I think a month later she sends me an email "Please delete my email". I don't know if she read the email that I sent her friend but I've been waiting for 5-6 months for this girl and not once for one hour could she have ever sent me an email saying "Hey, how's your pre-reqs going?" or "Hey, nursing school is kicking my ass but I'm still trying the best I can. I'm still up for whatever you're up for I haven't forgotten about you." NOTHING.
After she sent me the "please delete my email" message, I kept emailing her begging for an explanation and why she sent it, kinda playing stupid and kinda not. She doesn't respond with an explanation. Just a week ago she send another email saying "Delete my email. Don't contact me again." But instead of responding and keep emailing I just stopped contacting her. I sent maybe one message after that asking why but she wouldn't respond.
Am I in the wrong for sending the email to her friend even though I've been waiting a long time and not once did I ever get a reply about anything except stupid filipino desserts? Is she being an ******* by letting me email her rambling on and her never speaking to me? What about not acknowledging me when I was trying to say hello? Why are girls such *******s like this? Why can't they just be simple and keep things simple like "You seem cool, you're former military and you want to do what I want to do...seems not too bad" or "Sorry but I'm not into guys like you for ******************** reason."
I have no beef with this girl. I just kindly asked her if she was seeing anybody this past December. She's beautiful, smart, and she comes off as focused which I like a lot and I was just trying to say hey I like you, when you have some time, I'd like to maybe spend time with you and get to know you. I'm not trying to ruin her life or bring her down or her career down. Just casual, come off as innocent type guy.
It's like she's wasting a good guys time or she makes good people turn into bad people.
Has anyone ever been through nursing school and they were asked out on a date? Or was being in the program so important that you did not date? I respect her discipline but out of the 5-9 months ish I've been trying to get a reply out of her, I didn't get one email. I don't think it's fair.
Am I being stupid for talking to someone that sounds like she's out of my league or is she just being a ***** to a nice guy who doesn't expect **** from anybody?
I'd send her emails like "if we dated, I'd do this for you..." I'd send her emails about things(all of them being non-sexual obviously as I'm trying to be respectful and serious about someone who is serious about themselves and their future) and I once sent her an email saying I like talking to you like this because it's like you're a patient in a coma and you're in a tough situation and I"m here by your side supporting you. Basically using a patient in a coma thing as an analogy showing that I'm being or can be supportive. I thought it was sweet.
I don't want sex out of her. I'd like her time and company.
I somewhat realize I'm loud, disorganized and misguided. How to stop that? I don't know. I don't know who to go to or where to go, I don't know what to do. This ignorance is something I'm used to because I'm on my own. People can be outgoing and live their lives all they want and they can change how they think but me? I'm slow and like I said before in my past responses, "I wasn't getting the hint"..I wish I asked her more behind her response but for whatever reason I didn't and I wish I did get the hint when there was a communication gap between us.
No, that was the only thing you did RIGHT. She didn't have any obligation to tell you WHY she didn't want to communicate with you. It doesn't matter what she said in the beginning. She had the RIGHT to change her mind at any time, without explanation.
If you are sincere in wanting to improve your life, then the best advice anyone here can give you is to encourage you to get some counseling. This could help you to improve your interpersonal skills, learn to establish proper boundaries, pick up on social cues others are presenting to you, etc.
Finally, here's something you can do in the meantime: do not create a villain out of someone simply because they rejected you. That girl did nothing wrong, yet you chose to frame her in your mind as the "bad one," and you as a victim. That's not a good strategy.
Specializes in Home Health, Mental/Behavioral Health.
It can take some time for people to understand nuanced social cues if you're not used to them and are a very literal thinker. In an ideal world, everyone would be upfront about what they want. But we've seen that this isn't always the best solution.
If you're truly interested in working on yourself, you may consider seeing a therapist. It doesn't have to mean you're crazy. People who don't have any psychiatric issues at all have benefited from seeing a professional who can help them address the way they think and see the world.
I really enjoyed reading your advice and point of view. The OP has been chastised enough. This was very constructive!
I'm not ashamed to say that I see a therapist from time to time. It's a healthy way to deal with your feelings and get sound professional guidance. And sometimes it just feels good to talk to someone that is outside your circle of family/friends.
You sound very entitled. As if you somehow deserved her attention simply for existing and being interested in her. She is not interested. She did not lead you on. Are you in the wrong? You are in the wrong at just about every turn.
Specializes in Leadership, Psych, HomeCare, Amb. Care.
It can take some time for people to understand nuanced social cues if you're not used to them and are a very literal thinker. In an ideal world, everyone would be upfront about what they want. But we've seen that this isn't always the best solution.
If you're truly interested in working on yourself, you may consider seeing a therapist. It doesn't have to mean you're crazy. People who don't have any psychiatric issues at all have benefited from seeing a professional who can help them address the way they think and see the world.
You know now that many people won't give direct answers and you have been given some good advice on here about how to move on and act around women in the future.
I imagine you were calling her names because you felt hurt and betrayed and confused and needing to misplace your anger somewhere. Watch that. It isn't acceptable, kind, reasonable, or fair and it makes you look unbalanced and irrationally angry. As others have said, although you felt differently, she didn't owe you anything. Seeing a therapist to help you better understand why she doesn't owe you anything would be a good tool to help you grow throughout your time in school and your nursing career.
Otherwise, I do fear that there will come a time in the future where you react with another knee-jerk reaction that could cost you your job, friendships, romantic relationship, or criminal record.
I do not believe I missed the point, although I might have. I still stand by the assertion that directly rejecting certain people can bring varying degrees of harm, up to and including death, to our doorsteps.
My point is that many females use and will continue to utilize indirect routes of communicating their disinterest (e.g. slow fading, avoidance, ghosting, not responding to texts and emails) because the direct way of saying "I am not interested" has resulted in an explosive response from some males.
"I'm sorry, I'm just not interested, but thank you for the compliment."
Direct, polite. Days and days of attempting to be indirect and coy won't change their reaction. You cannot constantly second guess yourself or you'll never leave the house. I've been there.
If men, women - whomever - are prone to flipping their lids, NOTHING will change that. Nothing you say or don't say will put the skids on that behavior.
As I said, I've been a punching bag for a state trooper. It was not a highlight in my life, but it did teach me that if that's the type of behavior they're going to use to deal with whatever it is they've been given, there's absolutely no way around it.
Also - "some males". Some males will take looking their way as an invitation to put moves on you. Some males will take a hint. Some won't. Some will read so much into everything you say and do that NOTHING you say or do will make one iota of difference. Some women are the exact same way.
I never said go after them with guns blazing. But cowering in the fear that "this guy might do X" would've led me to staying behind closed doors for the rest of my life.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not interested. Thank you for the complement, though."
In general and in dealing with acquaintances like the OP, I seriously can't understand why that's such a problem. You've made yourself clear. 99% of the people you meet aren't going to turn into stalkers or serial killers - and if they were, nothing you say will change that. Speak up for yourself.
I am so offended by this. This girl doesn't owe you anything! There is no woman alive who is required to respond to you just because you're interested. You can't call "dibs" on people. Be thankful that she was polite to you as long as she was. You made her feel unsafe. You put up this 'nice guy' ploy, but if you turned into psycho hulk the minute you don't get what you want; then newsflash, you were NEVER a nice guy. You were a creepy man with an agenda who acted like a child that didn't get what he wanted. I feel REALLY sorry and scared for this girl. This is 100% sexual harassment. In fact, this post needs a "trigger warning" on it. I was uncomfortable reading it, I cannot imagine being the girl at the receiving end of your wrath.
I rarely say anything negative to anyone but I feel compelled to tell you that you may not find success in nursing if this is your MO. Nurses rely on non-verbal cues to perform and often need those non-verbal cues to save lives. You NEED people-reading skills and non-verbal comprehension to keep your patients safe. Nothing in this post is telling of safety. It is the opposite.
"I'm sorry, I'm just not interested, but thank you for the compliment."
Nope, no one(man or woman) needs to tell the pursuer "I'm sorry" or "Thank you", especially when the pursuer is making them uncomfortable, You owe NOTHING to this person, and if they can't get the hint by SILENCE, that is not your fault.
Yes, sure, it would be nicest to politely decline, but the pursuer should not expect to be OWED the explanation or the "I'm sorry"'s and "thank you"'s
Liiiiiiike, a woman doesn't have to smile, just because you told her to.
So she's basically a selfish *****. Seems like she was a worthless **** that wasn't worth ****.
You have issues I suggest seeing a counselor. Also, on a site that is mostly female avoid from using that type of demeaning language. We do not appreciate it.
Nope, no one(man or woman) needs to tell the pursuer "I'm sorry" or "Thank you", especially when the pursuer is making them uncomfortable, You owe NOTHING to this person, and if they can't get the hint by SILENCE, that is not your fault.
Yes, sure, it would be nicest to politely decline, but the pursuer should not expect to be OWED the explanation or the "I'm sorry"'s and "thank you"'s.
I don't think anyone is suggesting that the "I'm sorry/thank you" bit is OWED to the pursuer. Perhaps the "sorry/thank you" is intended to facilitate the message (i.e. diffuse the intensity of the situation).
Isn't a polite but CLEAR rejection better for both parties? Doesn't the pursued person OWE it to HERSELF to set a clear, unmistakable boundary?
When the pursuer cannot or will not take a hint, isn't it best to just nip it all in the bud, and leave no room for doubt?
"I'm sorry, I'm just not interested, but thank you for the compliment."
Repeat if necessary, then hang up or walk away. No explanation required.
Speaking of boundaries, years ago I read a book called "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin."
It should probably be required reading for all nursing students
The anger towards this female is still being carried over into a new thread. I didn't realize until now that this started over 6 months ago. You REALLY need to let this go, it is very concerning that in that time you have still not come to the realization that your reaction is entirely inappropriate. I would highly suggest finding a professional to talk to about things. Rejection is a part of dating, and if this is how you handle it things need to be adjusted before it goes any farther with someone else.
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Horseshoe, BSN, RN
5,879 Posts
No, that was the only thing you did RIGHT. She didn't have any obligation to tell you WHY she didn't want to communicate with you. It doesn't matter what she said in the beginning. She had the RIGHT to change her mind at any time, without explanation.
If you are sincere in wanting to improve your life, then the best advice anyone here can give you is to encourage you to get some counseling. This could help you to improve your interpersonal skills, learn to establish proper boundaries, pick up on social cues others are presenting to you, etc.
Finally, here's something you can do in the meantime: do not create a villain out of someone simply because they rejected you. That girl did nothing wrong, yet you chose to frame her in your mind as the "bad one," and you as a victim. That's not a good strategy.