Crossed the line with a flirty family member. How to deal with ethical issues?

[Scuba_NurseBSN]

Last time I worked I had a patient's husband try to set me up with his son. He kept asking if I was single and I finally said I had a boyfriend and we've been together 6 years. Later he kept asking me if I was sure I wasn't single. I finally said "I'm going through my stuff with my boyfriend and we are sort of in the middle of a breakup". An aide I heard me say this and said "OMG you are bad!" and laughed. I felt horrible after I said it. It is never OK to disclose personal stuff with family members or patients. Although my relationship has hit a rocky spot, that is something I realize now I should have never said. EVER. And I feel I lost the respect of my aide co-worker. The scenario keeps replaying in my head over and over during my two days off and I am so upset with myself for crossing the line and being unprofessional. How can I gain the respect of my coworker back. And how do you deal with pushy family members who flirt with you? As a new nurse this is the first time I have dealt with an issue like this.

[brownbook]

Scuba_NurseBSN said:

Thank you. I kept beating myself up thinking I lost their respect as a role model. A lot of our aides are in nursing school, and as I nurse I always try to role model for them. This was definitely not something I role model does. But you are totally right. I'm sure they have forgotten about the incident and haven't wasted time thinking or dwelling on it like I have.

You seem like a extremely conscientious person. Maybe I am a too laid back California girl, but I have never thought I needed to be a role model for any coworker.

I am a good nurse, a good person, follow the rules, policies, etc., do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I would never presume to think that as a new RN, I would be expected to be a role model for a CNA who has possibly worked at the facility for many years. Even a young new CNA I would simply think of as a coworker......not someone I have to be a role model for?

Once a person has reached adulthood if their parents, care givers, haven't been good role models, unless I am their boss or teacher, I don't think it's up to me to take on that job.

[SanDiFrangles, RN, NP, CNS]

Yeah all good points here. I'm not sure I would use the hospital policy defense for the simple fact that it just might not work and the family member might just think your hiding behind the rules. It's much better to own the discussion and take charge here by defining boundaries based on your own code of ethics. From a non-professional perspective and as a guy myself, some of us don't give up so easily So you need to covey a "no means no" viewpoint and that it your choice not to park take in this because you are a professional.

Obviously, I'm not condoning the behavior of the family just giving you my take. But I promise I'll shut up now :)

[GM2RN]

pennccrn said:

Yeah all good points here. I'm not sure I would use the hospital policy defense for the simple fact that it just might not work and the family member might just think your hiding behind the rules. It's much better to own the discussion and take charge here by defining boundaries based on your own code of ethics. From a non-professional perspective and as a guy myself, some of us don't give up so easily So you need to covey a "no means no" viewpoint and that it your choice not to park take in this because you are a professional.

Obviously, I'm not condoning the behavior of the family just giving you my take. But I promise I'll shut up now ?

Doesn't matter if it doesn't work. There's no guarantee that anything she says will work, but she will have done her part in attempting to thwart it. The only other option is to do nothing and it doesn't sound like that is what she wants to do.

It also doesn't matter if they think she is "hiding" behind the rules. That's what the rules are for. The one against sharing personal information is meant to protect the nurse. She certainly has the option of adding her own perspective, such as stating that she also has her own policy of not divulging personal information, but there's really no reason not to state hospital policy if she chooses to go that route.

[blondy2061h, MSN, RN]

hppygr8ful said:

While I agree that strong boundaries are necessary - I don't believe there is ever an excuse for a nurse to be rude or mean a simple "I don't discuss personal matter's at work. I would have taken his initial inquiry as a compliment. and said something like I appreciate your interest but I find it's best to keep my personal life away from the workplace.

Hppy

It's a problem when people feel they can't say "stop harassing me" if someone is doing just that for fear of being rude or not sounding nice. You can be firm and professional. A physician wouldn't put up with this. Neither would a lawyer.

[chrisz]

Just curious, those of you going in for interviews, are you bringing with you the same cover letter used in the application or writing a new one?

[SmilingBluEyes]

Scuba_NurseBSN said:

Last time I worked I had a patient's husband try to set me up with his son. He kept asking if I was single and I finally said I had a boyfriend and we've been together 6 years. Later he kept asking me if I was sure I wasn't single. I finally said "I'm going through my stuff with my boyfriend and we are sort of in the middle of a breakup". An aide I heard me say this and said "OMG you are bad!" and laughed. I felt horrible after I said it. It is never OK to disclose personal stuff with family members or patients. Although my relationship has hit a rocky spot, that is something I realize now I should have never said. EVER. And I feel I lost the respect of my aide co-worker. The scenario keeps replaying in my head over and over during my two days off and I am so upset with myself for crossing the line and being unprofessional. How can I gain the respect of my coworker back. And how do you deal with pushy family members who flirt with you? As a new nurse this is the first time I have dealt with an issue like this.

Yep you crossed a line. You didn't mean to but you did. You realize it. Now you know better, and will do better. Home and work, particularly when it come to patients, 100% separate at all times in all settings.

[abbnurse]

kbrn2002 said:

I guess I am one of those bad jumping to the wrong conclusion people because I was actually glad after reading the topic that what happened didn't even come close to the line being crossed that I was envisioning after reading the title.

Same here! Please don't beat yourself up. (((hugs)))

[AlTennRN]

I'm all for not mixing business with personal lives, but it's only natural to build a relationship with patients and families and sometimes tell a little bit about ourselves too. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. If it bothered you that you said anything personal then just live and learn and don't do it again.

[Josie, RN/LCSW]

In any type of "Human Services" field, it's tough, many times, to separate the 'human' from the 'professional'. We've all been guilty at one time or another, so don't let the more sanctimonious among us shame you for something you're already determined to remedy.

[Jedrnurse, BSN, RN]

Minor thing. In the grand scale of anything "ethical", it's nothing to beat yourself up about. If you've learned from it, be thankful for it.

[macawake, MSN]

hppygr8ful said:

While I agree that strong boundaries are necessary - I don't believe there is ever an excuse for a nurse to be rude or mean a simple "I don't discuss personal matter's at work. I would have taken his initial inquiry as a compliment. and said something like I appreciate your interest but I find it's best to keep my personal life away from the workplace.

Hppy

I don't agree. OP wrote that the man kept asking her (meaning he asked at least twice) if she was single. After she replied that she has a boyfriend the man kept asking her (again asking at least twice) if she was sure she wasn't single. Asking a personal question over and over again despite having received an answer to me constitutes harassment and at that time I think that it's completely acceptable, necessary even, to demand in a very clear way that the man stops his unwelcome and inappropriate behavior. I think that to keep badgering someone like that is unacceptable in any context but even more so in a situation where OP was doing a job and abandoning her patient in order to escape the unwelcome attention wasn't an option.

I'm all for being polite but I don't feel that I have to sugarcoat my request just to spare another person's feelings when he is clearly out of line. Of course I wouldn't tell someone to stop harassing me the first time they asked (that I would consider overly hostile) if I have a boyfriend. I'd just say that I don't want to discuss my personal life. I'd expect the person to respect that. If the person kept pestering me after being informed of my wish I'd definitely feel that a more stern approach was okay. The fact that I happen to work as a nurse doesn't in my opinion rob me of that right.

One other thing. I don't feel that having someone ask me if I have a boyfriend is always a compliment and if I wasn't genuinely flattered I wouldn't express that simply to make the other person feel good. Whether it's flattering or not depends on the situation and who's asking.

Many years ago when I worked in law enforcement I came in contact with a woman who successfully fought off her would-be rapist. While defending herself she injured him sufficiently that he required a visit to the ER before being carted off to jail. According to witnesses who arrived on the scene as the attack and defense unfolded she started to instinctively and repeatedly apologize to him when she realized she had hurt him. She was of course in shock but I thought at the time that we go to far in our attempts to raise girls/women to always be sweet, caring and sensitive to the need of others.

There's a time and place for everything. If someone behaves badly towards you it is okay to stand up for yourself.

[redtiger]

I agree VegGal. It's also possible he was hoping for intimate details. His motivation doesn't matter. I am direct and I have felt most comfortable telling someone that it isn't appropriate to discuss that type of personal matter.

Forgive yourself. Respect yourself. Behave professionally and I think that is the image people will see. Good luck!