Crossed the line with a flirty family member. How to deal with ethical issues?

[Scuba_NurseBSN]

Last time I worked I had a patient's husband try to set me up with his son. He kept asking if I was single and I finally said I had a boyfriend and we've been together 6 years. Later he kept asking me if I was sure I wasn't single. I finally said "I'm going through my stuff with my boyfriend and we are sort of in the middle of a breakup". An aide I heard me say this and said "OMG you are bad!" and laughed. I felt horrible after I said it. It is never OK to disclose personal stuff with family members or patients. Although my relationship has hit a rocky spot, that is something I realize now I should have never said. EVER. And I feel I lost the respect of my aide co-worker. The scenario keeps replaying in my head over and over during my two days off and I am so upset with myself for crossing the line and being unprofessional. How can I gain the respect of my coworker back. And how do you deal with pushy family members who flirt with you? As a new nurse this is the first time I have dealt with an issue like this.

[xxLionessxx]

I started out as a 'Nurse Tech' in high-risk L&D in '94 when I was 22yo, & then was a L&D/Peds Nurse since '97 when I graduated Nursing School @ 25 yo. Then I was the clinical supervisor for the last 5 years in Peds. I cannot begin to describe how revolting and incredibly nauseating it is to have the partner of a woman who just gave birth to their child, make passes at you as her L&D Nurse. I often got hit on, not only by new fathers in L&D, I also had to turn down the fathers that brought in their sick children who were under my care. Many inappropriate looks/stares & comments made under their breath I would simply just ignore as if I hadn't heard them. Any time that I was brazenly asked whether or not I was single (which wasn't even a real question, since I obviously wear a wedding ring) I'd say "Yes; for 10 years now" or however long it had been (it'll be 26 years in Jan.); that response alone usually took care of it. If not, for example using our scenario, if they asked if I was sure, or if I was happy, then I'd explain that I wouldn't discuss anything further. If they commented about getting together with them I'd tell them that it would not only be unethical, it would violate Hospital policy. If they were vulgar I'd give them one warning that their comment was inappropriate & that I was there only to care for my patient & that neither I nor the Hospital would tolerate a second inappropriate comment. If they made any further remarks I'd report it & switch assignments. The only disclosure I'd make was that yes, I was married and that yes, I do have children, b/c in L&D/Peds those are often common questions (I don't know how it is for other clinical specialties, like cardiac or trauma for instance).

I certainly understand how you would be concerned about what others, especially student Nurses or CNA's/Nurse Tech's, thought about something you said. I am one of those people that will re-play conversations over and over again in my mind wondering what others thought about what I said, or how I came across, so I understand where you're coming from, especially as a young or new Nurse still trying to learn how you fit into the profession, or even just in a new setting. You learn as you go, & you will find there are times when you wish you would've handled something differently, but that is how I know you're going to be a great Nurse! You are self-aware, willing to see and accept your mis-steps, and you realized what could've been done to handle the situation better, so you're also willing to learn from your mistakes. The bottom line is that the student Nurse or aid probably hasn't given it a second thought, like others have said. If she does have the poor judgment to make a joke about it again at some time in the future, I would not explain that it was b/c of a bad day (you don't want to come across as being unable to handle a bad day), I don't even think I'd say it was wrong (she's not your supervisor, & even if she was, you made an off the cuff remark; at worst it was an ill-advised statement, you didn't say or do anything prohibited by hospital protocol). I'd just make a nonchalant, half-joking comment like "ok, ok, enough of that nonsense, lets get back to the business of saving lives". That tells her that you aren't willing to discuss the situation with her (& why should you?), & hopefully she gets the hint & drops it without having to actually address it.

[xxLionessxx]

Idk why this entered as a comment, when it was in reply to someone else's post, but I guess I haven't been on this site enough to know how to correctly reply to another persons post yet. To make matters worse it won't let me edit, so I had to explain with another reply. :-(

My reply was intended to be under Kbrn2002's comment regarding the fact that the situation you describe isn't necessarily crossing a line, & certainly not unethical. AltennRN, Josie, Jedrnurse, & Levv

When you're in the business of healing, you sometimes make personal comments to establish a connection with a patient, & in L&D/Peds where I worked, being asked if you're married & have children is a daily occurrence. However, you certainly should not discuss anything personal if it makes you uncomfortable. Either way, you learned from it & will be better equipped to handle these situations in the future. I also agree with brownbook; you're still a fairly new Nurse with less than a year under your belt, so I don't necessarily think you should concern yourself with being a role-model for others. You want to give excellent pt care & earn the respect of others, & maybe one day you'll inspire someone else to become a Nurse. I was inspired by a Nurse when I delivered our Daughter at 20yrs old. I was a H.S. drop-out when I married at 18, & 2yrs later when I had our Daughter, I had what I can only describe as "a calling" to be a Nurse, so after graduating Nursing School I eventually worked with that same Nurse one night when she was called in from another Hosp to help out, & that was incredible. I had such a hard delivery & was in the Hosp for 6 days b/c I had PIH, (in fact they called a code on me), & she remembered me.

B/c you're so conscientious I'm sure you're going to be a great Nurse with a long & successful career.

[neuron]

I don't think you're bad at all. You disclosed what you disclosed. Nobody is perfect.

[KristieRae71]

Cut yourself some slack. We've all made some verbal faux pas or possibly a less than great judgement call. Sounds like you have learned from this experience and that's what is important. You just try to improve... as we all should. You can't control what your co-worker thinks. Respect yourself. The rest will follow.

[JadedCPN, BSN, RN]

I will echo the statements of many of the posters here. While I do not think you need to be rude, I do think you need to be stern and direct, so I don't agree with the "thanks but I don't mix business with pleasure" or blaming it on hospital policy type of thing. My response would be along the lines of "as your nurse that's not an appropriate topic and crosses professional boundaries that I adhere to." If you feel the need to "soften" the delivery you could always add a phrase like "no offense but" or "thank you but." Also, I believe changing the subject (asking about pain, if they need anything, etc) after deliverying the message makes it easiest for all parties to move forward and sets the standard that you are there to do your job while at the same time not making it awkward or making them feel like you hold feelings or they were chastised.

I also think people need to be more direct and honest when dating outside of work too lol.

Edited to add: also, if you are concerned about the coworker who heard you (not that I would worry about it too much if the rest of your work speaks well towards your overall work ethic), next time you guys are together you could always nonchalantly bring it up, be up front and say you didn't know how to deal with that situation and maybe see if she has any advice for you.

[guycna95, CNA]

Tell the family member you'd appreciate if they stop what their doing. But even sometimes that doesn't work. I know some family members that are "out there" if that doesn't work you'll have to get with don or administrator