Crossed the line with a flirty family member. How to deal with ethical issues?

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Last time I worked I had a patient's husband try to set me up with his son. He kept asking if I was single and I finally said I had a boyfriend and we've been together 6 years. Later he kept asking me if I was sure I wasn't single. I finally said "I'm going through my stuff with my boyfriend and we are sort of in the middle of a breakup". An aide I heard me say this and said "OMG you are bad!" and laughed. I felt horrible after I said it. It is never OK to disclose personal stuff with family members or patients. Although my relationship has hit a rocky spot, that is something I realize now I should have never said. EVER. And I feel I lost the respect of my aide co-worker. The scenario keeps replaying in my head over and over during my two days off and I am so upset with myself for crossing the line and being unprofessional. How can I gain the respect of my coworker back. And how do you deal with pushy family members who flirt with you? As a new nurse this is the first time I have dealt with an issue like this. :(

Specializes in Pedi; Geriatrics; office; Pedi home care..

You need to report this to a supervisor. Also, it is your right as a nurse to rREQUEST that this patient not be assigned to. Don't go into complete detail if asked why; just tell your supervisor that the patient son keeps trying to set you up with his son. And, it makes you uncomfortable.

And, yes I've been there.

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Specializes in Med nurse in med-surg., float, HH, and PDN.

Once upon a long time ago, when I was doing Home Health visits, a man refused to let me into his house until I told him who I had voted for in the presidential election. Seriously! I couldn't believe it. I tried telling him that my work and politics had nothing to do with each other and that him implying that his wife's care depended on my giving him the "correct" answer was wrong. Well, he wouldn't have any of that.

Finally I ended up saying, "Well, let's put it this way: nobody I have ever voted for has gotten into office." While that wasn't exactly true, it seemed to make him happy, and it did gain me entrance into the house!

Is that weird or what?

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Specializes in Cardiology, School Nursing, General.

I'm a CMA, and when I worked at a Cardiologist as my first job, we had a ton of older gentlemen as patients. Some of them thought it was funny to flirt or do suggestive jokes, of course, I didn't let that bother me. They probably thought I was just another innocent little lamb, but I had more than 8 years of retail experience that taught me how to respond and hide my true feelings to customers. One thing I had to learn is not to blush at these jokes or get flustered and to not seem rude or anything, just smile and not say anything. Sometimes I would get a bit mad and would say something passive/aggressive, Then once I was done, I would go to my OM and tell her what happened so she can respond for me if this patient decided to say something against me.

I call it my Noh face, basically force myself to give a smile even though I didn't like the jokes or felt comfortable.

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Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
blondy2061h said:
It's a problem when people feel they can't say "stop harassing me" if someone is doing just that for fear of being rude or not sounding nice. You can be firm and professional. A physician wouldn't put up with this. Neither would a lawyer.

Well the definition of harassment Is that it is pervasive and on-going. You also have to ask the person to stop. Having someone approach you once then again on the same shift. especially if one did not say something to decisively but politely shut it down - Is the accused may not even know you consider it harassment.

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hppygr8ful said:
Well the definition of harassment Is that it is pervasive and on-going. You also have to ask the person to stop. Having someone approach you once then again on the same shift. especially if one did not say something to decisively but politely shut it down - Is the accused may not even know you consider it harassment.

I respectfully but firmly disagree. I do not give people the benefit of the doubt when they are behaving inappropriately; creeps deliberately take advantage of the expectation for women to mollify and appease rather than be clear and blunt. Many women have "decisively shut it down" trained right out of them, then are told it's their fault when they are given unwanted attention.

It does not have to be "pervasive and ongoing" to be harassment, but OP describes a situation that was clearly unwanted attention, and in my opinion meets that definition. Men are not stupid. Stiff body language, clipped or deflecting answers, requests to change the subject, are all signals that normal human beings are capable of reading. I doubt OP was giving any come-hither glances.

We should not have to smile as if we are not offended. We should not be told it is rude to stop a patient or family member and tell them that their behavior is not acceptable. We should not have to put up with harassment to have a job.

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Specializes in Urology.

Get a shield (aka a ring on your finger that can be worn under gloves). Wearing that will protect you from most but not all advances. Good luck!

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Specializes in Oncology.
NotAllWhoWandeRN said:
I respectfully but firmly disagree. I do not give people the benefit of the doubt when they are behaving inappropriately; creeps deliberately take advantage of the expectation for women to mollify and appease rather than be clear and blunt. Many women have "decisively shut it down" trained right out of them, then are told it's their fault when they are given unwanted attention.

It does not have to be "pervasive and ongoing" to be harassment, but OP describes a situation that was clearly unwanted attention, and in my opinion meets that definition. Men are not stupid. Stiff body language, clipped or deflecting answers, requests to change the subject, are all signals that normal human beings are capable of reading. I doubt OP was giving any come-hither glances.

We should not have to smile as if we are not offended. We should not be told it is rude to stop a patient or family member and tell them that their behavior is not acceptable. We should not have to put up with harassment to have a job.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you.

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Specializes in Family Nurse Practitioner.

I once heard a doctor answer a patient who was asking inappropriate questions with

"I'm here to talk about you, not to talk about me."

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Quote
I once heard a doctor answer a patient who was asking inappropriate questions with

"I'm here to talk about you, not to talk about me."

I like this. Great initial response and very diplomatic. I can see this possibly working for a female nurse but I'm thinking it would be much more respected coming from a doctor. Hopefully this would be all it would take for the nurse, and is certainly worth attempting, but I'm sure there would be times when it wouldn't.

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I think that this is the best possible response, & is how I often handled these situations during my career.

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I started out as a 'Nurse Tech' in high-risk L&D in '94 when I was 22yo, & then was a L&D/Peds Nurse since '97 when I graduated Nursing School @ 25 yo. Then I was the clinical supervisor for the last 5 years in Peds. I cannot begin to describe how revolting and incredibly nauseating it is to have the partner of a woman who just gave birth to their child, make passes at you as her L&D Nurse. I often got hit on, not only by new fathers in L&D, I also had to turn down the fathers that brought in their sick children who were under my care. Many inappropriate looks/stares & comments made under their breath I would simply just ignore as if I hadn't heard them. Any time that I was brazenly asked whether or not I was single (which wasn't even a real question, since I obviously wear a wedding ring) I'd say "Yes; for 10 years now" or however long it had been (it'll be 26 years in Jan.); that response alone usually took care of it. If not, for example using our scenario, if they asked if I was sure, or if I was happy, then I'd explain that I wouldn't discuss anything further. If they commented about getting together with them I'd tell them that it would not only be unethical, it would violate Hospital policy. If they were vulgar I'd give them one warning that their comment was inappropriate & that I was there only to care for my patient & that neither I nor the Hospital would tolerate a second inappropriate comment. If they made any further remarks I'd report it & switch assignments. The only disclosure I'd make was that yes, I was married and that yes, I do have children, b/c in L&D/Peds those are often common questions (I don't know how it is for other clinical specialties, like cardiac or trauma for instance).

I certainly understand how you would be concerned about what others, especially student Nurses or CNA's/Nurse Tech's, thought about something you said. I am one of those people that will re-play conversations over and over again in my mind wondering what others thought about what I said, or how I came across, so I understand where you're coming from, especially as a young or new Nurse still trying to learn how you fit into the profession, or even just in a new setting. You learn as you go, & you will find there are times when you wish you would've handled something differently, but that is how I know you're going to be a great Nurse! You are self-aware, willing to see and accept your mis-steps, and you realized what could've been done to handle the situation better, so you're also willing to learn from your mistakes. The bottom line is that the student Nurse or aid probably hasn't given it a second thought, like others have said. If she does have the poor judgment to make a joke about it again at some time in the future, I would not explain that it was b/c of a bad day (you don't want to come across as being unable to handle a bad day), I don't even think I'd say it was wrong (she's not your supervisor, & even if she was, you made an off the cuff remark; at worst it was an ill-advised statement, you didn't say or do anything prohibited by hospital protocol). I'd just make a nonchalant, half-joking comment like "ok, ok, enough of that nonsense, lets get back to the business of saving lives". That tells her that you aren't willing to discuss the situation with her (& why should you?), & hopefully she gets the hint & drops it without having to actually address it.

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Idk why this entered as a comment, when it was in reply to someone else's post, but I guess I haven't been on this site enough to know how to correctly reply to another persons post yet. To make matters worse it won't let me edit, so I had to explain with another reply. :-(

My reply was intended to be under Kbrn2002's comment regarding the fact that the situation you describe isn't necessarily crossing a line, & certainly not unethical. AltennRN, Josie, Jedrnurse, & Levv

When you're in the business of healing, you sometimes make personal comments to establish a connection with a patient, & in L&D/Peds where I worked, being asked if you're married & have children is a daily occurrence. However, you certainly should not discuss anything personal if it makes you uncomfortable. Either way, you learned from it & will be better equipped to handle these situations in the future. I also agree with brownbook; you're still a fairly new Nurse with less than a year under your belt, so I don't necessarily think you should concern yourself with being a role-model for others. You want to give excellent pt care & earn the respect of others, & maybe one day you'll inspire someone else to become a Nurse. I was inspired by a Nurse when I delivered our Daughter at 20yrs old. I was a H.S. drop-out when I married at 18, & 2yrs later when I had our Daughter, I had what I can only describe as "a calling" to be a Nurse, so after graduating Nursing School I eventually worked with that same Nurse one night when she was called in from another Hosp to help out, & that was incredible. I had such a hard delivery & was in the Hosp for 6 days b/c I had PIH, (in fact they called a code on me), & she remembered me.

B/c you're so conscientious I'm sure you're going to be a great Nurse with a long & successful career.

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