COVID Immunized Guilt

[TravelNurseLady]

Immunization guilt, anyone?

The media is hosting a national tribute for the 400,000 Americans who lost their lives to COVID. They just said 200,000 children were diagnosed with COVID this week. Also this week, I will personally reach my 95% COVID vaccine immunity level.

It is just not fair.

I feel so guilty that I have been vaccinated over other people, and it appears it will remain this way for several more months until the general population reaches heard immunity.

Now that I am vaccinated, I feel like every person who dies after I individually achieve immunity, could have lived if they got my dose. I am feeling some sort of survivor guilt?

States are also running short on dosage rations, they are discussing cancelling some vaccination appointments. The guilt was unexpected as I watched the grim news tonight & guilt just hit me like a boulder sinking in my throat.

I want to give my immunization back! I don't deserve it.

I don't have babies, or a spouse, or elderly parents depending on me. I don't deserve to keep my immunity. I want to give it to them.

Why am I feeling this way?

My life is being spared why?? Because I am a healthcare worker? Is my life really worth saving for my charting & graham crackers & PRNs?

I just want to cry feeling this guilt and I know what my head says, "Not 'JUST' a nurse" and "Put on my own oxygen mask first before helping others with theirs" and "Show my gratitude by working hard for my patients." ... but my heart, being transparently and brutally honest with myself, my heart still just breaks when I think about how I am vaccinated and others are not. Before, I was empathetic with the public, we were fighting this pandemic together, as a community, as a country, and as a world for the human race. But now I do feel different. I feel like I have an advantage being vaccinated and having privilege is a new feeling for me and I do not like feeling this way.

I know AllNurses is a tough group & I do not typically share my vulnerabilities, I strive to stay professional. But this survivor's guilt is a seed that I do not want to grow roots and I have to trust in you, my peers, to help me nip this toxic self-talk in the bud.

I need you to grab me by the shoulders & shake me out of it. I need you to tell me I am being dramatic and this is not an episode of Grey's Anatomy, this is a real life pandemic. There is no room for martyrdom or cry babies or self-victimization. I need to hear "Big girl time, suck it up & get back to work!" But still, I do fear I will feel guilty for my health with each person I watch sicken and die of this evil virus that could have so easily have been prevented with the privilege I was chosen to be given over them.

Please help advise me on how to stop myself from feeling this way. I need to grow past this, especially when working with COVID patients in the near future.

Thank you AllNurses. Thank you for being a safe place I can express my struggles & thank you for taking the time to share your respected wisdom & objective support.  

[TheMoonisMyLantern, ADN, LPN, RN]

You are just as deserving of being vaccinated as anyone else. The reason you were vaccinated is because if the healthcare workers get decimated by this disease than who will be left to take care of the rest of society? Do not minimize the work that we do as nurses, some days we may feel like glorified waiters and waitresses but we do so much more than we can even realize in order to help and protect our patients. 

it is concerning to me that you say you are underserving of the vaccine. Where is that coming from? Of course you are deserving, every one is. It's okay to feel broken hearted about the loss of life from this pandemic, but do not try to blame yourself for the loss, it's way out of your control. 

[Emergent, RN]

I'm being vaccinated solely to help with herd immunity, and hopefully delay the economic and societal collapse of the First World in my lifetime. 

I'm no conspiracy theorist, but in my state half the people who died were already languishing in nursing homes due to advanced age, or serious health problems and comorbidities. Covid just was the last straw for many. It is a huge overstatement to say that everybody who died, that also had covid-19, died of it.

As far as children getting it, the best case scenario would be to vaccinate the vulnerable, and let the younger generation obtain natural immunity while they are children. It is an extremely rare event for a child to have any serious consequences from having covid.

I have serious concerns about the erosion individual liberties, and also the damage to our economic lives due to the handling of this virus. Some European countries are essentially under martial law right now. I also believe that lockdowns, unemployment, and restrictions on civil liberties have been a huge factor in contributing to rioting and civil unrest by both left-wing and right-wing factions in the country.

[JenTheSchoolRN, BSN, RN]

I got dose #1 this weekend. I don't have any health conditions, was bumped up mainly as a newly defined COVID facing healthcare worker in my state (I am a school nurse managing/running weekly COVID testing on campus for in person students and staff). 

I think of it this way: my immunization can help me better serve the populations that most need me right now. I can't feel guilty for this. It means that it is much less likely that I will pass COVID to them. It means I will be able to work and continue to run my program with hopefully a reduced risk so that I do not need to take COVID leave, which may be not-so-great for my testing program and school (I am also our COVID lead). 

I am also taking the lead here for my community - I got the shot, can share my experience, and perhaps help my staff and families on the fence here use this to opt into the vaccine so we can get to herd immunity. 

[toomuchbaloney]

Don't despair.  You did the right thing in a dog eat dog American pandemic experience. It's not your fault that the entire federal response was bungled by a terrible chief executive.  

[JKL33]

11 hours ago, TravelNurseLady said:

I have to trust in you, my peers, to help me nip this toxic self-talk in the bud.

Okey doke!

 

11 hours ago, TravelNurseLady said:

Is my life really worth saving for my charting & graham crackers & PRNs?

That isn't the nature of your role and you know it.

 

11 hours ago, TravelNurseLady said:

this is not an episode of Grey's Anatomy,

Exactly.

Okay,  I guess I don't have too much harsh talk to bring you to your senses, LOL. But look, you are showing empathy. You know the ways people who are not healthcare workers have (also) had to struggle mightily this past year. Some have died, some have had to choose between being exposed to covid and being jobless or homeless. Some have had an escalation of serious mental health problems. Friendships have been lost. Security has been lost. I could go on and on; people have faced many terrible and unfair realities. You recognize these things and have some idea how devastating they have been. You are an empathetic human being, which is a wonderful thing. But you don't have to cross the line of rationality in order to be empathetic.

As a bit of a "reality check" though, do you feel this guilty about having a job? Why or why not? About having food on your table? About having people who love and care for you? You could go on and on with your guilt, but most of us could not tolerate living in that frame of mind. It helps no one. What does help, is for you to do good for others where you can. And I'm sure you do.

It is *excellent* that you have been able to receive the vaccine. Period.

 

[LibraSunCNM, BSN, MSN, CNM]

Think of it like the safety information on an airplane---give yourself oxygen before hooking someone else up to it.  You have to protect yourself first so you can protect others.

[Rosie Cotton, BSN]

Yes, I felt guilt. A week after we buried my father who died of covid I got my first vaccination. I felt like it was terribly unfair. I almost did not want it, I don't feel like I need it as much as so many others do. But I have a child who has an autoimmune disorder and my husband is in his 60's so I got it. Not for me, but for them and hopefully for everyone else's fathers. Maybe me getting the vaccination means that others will live and even though it is a little scary to get the vaccination (I would love to sit back and wait to see if there are long term side effects) I think it is a little brave too. So I feel guilty and brave at the same time. 

[SmilingBluEyes]

I am doing it for others, not just myself. If I don't get sick and pass it around, I AM doing my part by being vaccinated. I feel this way about all vaccines from MMR to flu.

The ones I love want the vaccine and are all on the wait lists. I emphasize hand washing and mask use and staying home. They take it to heart and do online grocery shopping, keep kids home from school (yes some schools in the midwest are OPEN). My DIL pulled her daughter out of school when covid hit there as per my urging.

I don't feel guilty per se, but I wish the process would move faster. I want the ones I love and everyone who wants one, to receive the vaccine.

[LovingLife123]

I have zero guilt.  I’m doing this to protect my family, my patients, and society.  There are so many saying they won’t get it which is so detrimental to what we are trying to achieve.  I’m doing my part to achieve our ultimate goal.  
 

You are doing your part to achieve our goal of less deaths and saving lives.  I worry with so many rejecting it though we will never reach herd immunity.

[JadedCPN, BSN, RN]

Not a single ounce of guilt.

[macawake, MSN]

On 1/20/2021 at 4:24 AM, TravelNurseLady said:

I feel so guilty that I have been vaccinated over other people, and it appears it will remain this way for several more months until the general population reaches heard immunity. Now that I am vaccinated, I feel like every person who dies after I individually achieve immunity, could have lived if they got my dose.

Your vaccine dose could have been administered to one single person if you had not gotten it. It could not have been administered to every single person who has died or will die from a Covid-19 infection.

I suspect that you realize that feeling that your dose could have saved the tens of thousands who have died in your country alone since you got your vaccine is not rational. It’s a pandemic. People die. It’s heartbreaking. People would still be dying in large numbers even if you hadn’t gotten the vaccine. 

You have no way of knowing that the single person who could have gotten your dose would actually have benefitted from it. Perhaps they wouldn’t have gotten the infection even without the vaccine. Perhaps they would have gotten the vaccine but had been infected a week after the first dose when it hadn’t had time enough to become efficacious. You just don’t know if your dose would have made a difference. And you certainly have not killed anyone by accepting the vaccine. 

Vaccines are now being rolled out in countries all over the world. It is a massive logistical undertaking. The vaccines that were approved first require stringently maintained cold chains for storage, transport and distribution and the multidose vials have a very limited shelflife once thawed.

The best way to help getting as many people as possible vaccinated as soon as possible is to simply accept the vaccine when it’s being offered. You would only be creating a logistical mess if you were to turn it down. There is a chance that many doses would have to be wasted because rustling up that other person on very short notice to give the dose might not be doable.

Imagine this on a national or international scale. Thousands or even millions of individuals saying that no, no I want you to give my dose to someone else instead... Aunt Temperance or Grandpa Mortimer needs them much more than I do... Logistical nightmare with likely a large amount of wasted doses resulting in a slower process. It would simply take longer to get everyone vaccinated. 

 

On 1/20/2021 at 4:24 AM, TravelNurseLady said:

I want to give my immunization back! I don't deserve it. I don't have babies, or a spouse, or elderly parents depending on me. I don't deserve to keep my immunity. I want to give it to them. Why am I feeling this way? My life is being spared why?? Because I am a healthcare worker? Is my life really worth saving for my charting & graham crackers & PRNs? I just want to cry feeling this guilt and I know what my head says, "Not 'JUST' a nurse" and "Put on my own oxygen mask first before helping others with theirs" and "Show my gratitude by working hard for my patients." ... but my heart, being transparently and brutally honest with myself, my heart still just breaks when I think about how I am vaccinated and others are not. Before, I was empathetic with the public, we were fighting this pandemic together, as a community, as a country, and as a world for the human race. But now I do feel different. I feel like I have an advantage being vaccinated and having privilege is a new feeling for me and I do not like feeling this way. 

I don’t know you but if you’re in the U.S. (I’m European), you’ve been privileged all your life. Just as I have. Should we also feel an all-consuming debilitating guilt each waking moment because we live in first world countries when so many of the world’s population starve on a daily basis and are traumatized by wars and conflicts? Or is it a more healthy approach to do what’s in our individual powers to try to make improve the living conditions for the many people who are not as fortunate as us?

Of course you deserve to keep your immunity. You are no less deserving than anyone else.

If it helps, realize that the fact that we as healthcare workers are places at the front of the vaccine simply because it makes rational sense. The reason is that if too many nurses and physicians are off sick at the same time, patients will die. Both Covid patients and patients with other diagnoses. We are given the vaccine so that we can keep on working work. 

As I’ve said in several other Covid posts, this past year has been rough. And it’s still a challenge. I think that it has in many cases taken a large emotional toll and leaves us psychologically less robust than we normally are and more vulnerable as a consequence. I wouldn’t be surprised if your strong reaction is a symptom of the stress we’ve lived with. 

So I’ll end this post by repeating a few of the points I’ve made.

* You deserve a vaccine as much as anyone else does. 

* By accepting the vaccine when it was offered to you, you helped in making a logistically challenging operation just a little bit smoother instead of creating a problem by declining.

* There is no way that any of us can know what ”our” dose could have achieved if it had been given to someone else. The fact is that not everyone can get the vaccine at the same time. You were given yours so that you can care for patients.

Take care OP ?