The media is hosting a national tribute for the 400,000 Americans who lost their lives to COVID. They just said 200,000 children were diagnosed with COVID this week. Also this week, I will personally reach my 95% COVID vaccine immunity level.
It is just not fair.
I feel so guilty that I have been vaccinated over other people, and it appears it will remain this way for several more months until the general population reaches heard immunity.
Now that I am vaccinated, I feel like every person who dies after I individually achieve immunity, could have lived if they got my dose. I am feeling some sort of survivor guilt?
States are also running short on dosage rations, they are discussing cancelling some vaccination appointments. The guilt was unexpected as I watched the grim news tonight & guilt just hit me like a boulder sinking in my throat.
I want to give my immunization back! I don't deserve it.
I don't have babies, or a spouse, or elderly parents depending on me. I don't deserve to keep my immunity. I want to give it to them.
Why am I feeling this way?
My life is being spared why?? Because I am a healthcare worker? Is my life really worth saving for my charting & graham crackers & PRNs?
I just want to cry feeling this guilt and I know what my head says, "Not 'JUST' a nurse" and "Put on my own oxygen mask first before helping others with theirs" and "Show my gratitude by working hard for my patients." ... but my heart, being transparently and brutally honest with myself, my heart still just breaks when I think about how I am vaccinated and others are not. Before, I was empathetic with the public, we were fighting this pandemic together, as a community, as a country, and as a world for the human race. But now I do feel different. I feel like I have an advantage being vaccinated and having privilege is a new feeling for me and I do not like feeling this way.
I know AllNurses is a tough group & I do not typically share my vulnerabilities, I strive to stay professional. But this survivor's guilt is a seed that I do not want to grow roots and I have to trust in you, my peers, to help me nip this toxic self-talk in the bud.
I need you to grab me by the shoulders & shake me out of it. I need you to tell me I am being dramatic and this is not an episode of Grey's Anatomy, this is a real life pandemic. There is no room for martyrdom or cry babies or self-victimization. I need to hear "Big girl time, suck it up & get back to work!" But still, I do fear I will feel guilty for my health with each person I watch sicken and die of this evil virus that could have so easily have been prevented with the privilege I was chosen to be given over them.
Please help advise me on how to stop myself from feeling this way. I need to grow past this, especially when working with COVID patients in the near future.
Thank you AllNurses. Thank you for being a safe place I can express my struggles & thank you for taking the time to share your respected wisdom & objective support.
