Conflicting thoughts about nursing-just had to let it out

[jco2]

Hello everyone,

I am sitting here typing this and crying. I have worked in retail and manufacturing for over 20 years. After the plant that I worked in closed down, I decided to go back to school. I went with nursing because I knew I could "always get a job", and I care about people, and want to help them.

Well, I am now in the first class of my second year of Nursing school, and I have to be honest--I can't take it anymore. I have been through a lot in my life, but I have never experienced anxiety like I am experiencing now. I had an anxiety attack for the first time in my life at clinical last week. I felt like I could not breathe and I was going to jump out of my skin. I went into the staff lounge so I could not be seen by the patients or any staff. I could not believe this happened to me--I have always been calm and able to deal with a lot of stress. I have not told anyone about this attack--not even my best friend, because I am ashamed.

I also was put on an antidepressant for the first time in my life in my freshman year in Nursing school. I was so depressed I could hardly get out of bed to attend class. I have even had to take 2 classes over again, the 1st one was the class I was taking while I had my first experience with depression, and the 2nd one was during a class that I quit taking my medicine, because I could not afford to go to the doctor, and I thought I could get by without it. I have always been a good student, and have somehow managed to keep a solid B average even after having 2 non-passing grades from Nursing.

I opened my mail today, and found out that I have surpassed the amount of time to obtain my degree, therefore I am on "financial aid suspension" (I was on "financial aid probation" when I started college for Nursing, because I had previously went to school years ago right out of highschool, and due to medical reasons, had to withdraw). So, now I am filing an appeal to be taken off of suspension.

I keep thinking to myself--(the following are thoughts I have on a daily basis):

"Is nursing for me--can I handle the stress of it?"

"I have to get through this--I am almost 40 so I need to grit my teeth and bear it so I have a way to support myself in this economy"

"I want to care for people--everything will get better as I go along"

"Going to school at my age and changing my mind on a major is out of the question--I am a failure"

"I am so fortunate to be given this opportunity--I am such a whiner for wanting something other than this"

There is a part of me that is wanting to call the school and tell them I will not be back. I have already took assessments for other careers online (medical transcription and coding). Then there is the other part of me that feels so much like a loser

[Whispera, MSN, RN]

Are you still taking your antidepression medication? I think you might need an adjustment in dosage. Please go see the doctor that put you on it.

That being said, nursing school is difficult and so is nursing, period. You're not a failure. You're merely stressed!

Hang in there!

[NurseLoveJoy88, ASN, RN]

I'm so sorry about how you are feeling. Nursing school can cause one to have anxiety attacks. While I enjoy nursing school, it can be very stressful at times. I have found myself on the way to a nervous break down, due to the stress of working and going to nursing school. When ever I feel like I just can't take it anymore, I just realize that my calling is to be a nurse. I have to remind myself that it will get better, and the light is at the end of the tunnel. I honestly can't see myself doing anything but nursing. Nursing school and working as a nurse is challenging, however my compassion for others out weigh the challenge of nursing school. I know I'm young, but I did work retail for about 4 years, and hated it ! I became a CNA at 18, started nursing school at 19, and plan to finish at 20. My mother became a nurse in her 40s as well.

Its best not to waste anymore time.... Every nursing student has its good days and bad days. I've never been so stressed in my life, but I know that one day I can touch the lives of patients, and get paid very well for it.

Hang in there, Pray, do what you have to do to get through this.

Defeat is never an option ! Stay in the fight, you can and will do this.

What ever you do, don't give up. I know its hard, nursing will always be a challenge, but its also a rewarding career. Good luck to you, and remember we all are in this toghether

[netglow, ASN, RN]

Hang in there. :redpinkhe

I wonder if a lot of your worry is financially related adding on to nursing related anxiety. I say this because you seem to be doubting yourself because you are anxious at clinical. Can I tell you that many people in my classes can't eat before clinical?! So, you are normal in being anxious. Not being anxious about nursing is a cardinal sign, I've been told, that a person is not taking things seriously enuf and will more often than not, become a bad nurse.

I also am older... I am trying to do this without working and am on a shoestring budget. There is much more stress involved in being older, and not at a financially stable point in your life because you are in school. This, combined with the stress of a career change, particularly to one that is filled with bumps in the path... is overwhelming unless you figure out where to put your head. Lets face it, mommy and daddy are not paying your bills!

Another thing. Sometimes it matters if you have or have not real prior connection with the medical world. I mean one that has let you see what really goes on. I have worked a bit around it, have had surgery (a few times) and have had friends and family that have gone thru the big stuff, and have needed lots of care. This allows me to understand the seriousness of it all. Actually I have been admonished for being overly prepared, and a triple checker. Hey, you got that right, Jack! And, my patients will appreciate it! :yeahthat:

and, blah, blah, blah, blah... a final thing. The people in this biz are way different than those you might have been used to working with. You do have to be tough. But like all in life, you live you learn. Choose some people in school that you find are second career people, you will have more in common, and hang with them, all others as well as instructors keep at arms length, as they soon will mean nothing to you after you are done with school.

I am thinking of ya! :heartbeat

[Virgo_RN, BSN, RN]

Nursing is demanding physically, emotionally, and psychologically. That is not going to change. The stress of nursing school pales in comparison to real world nursing. Nursing is not an appropriate career choice for everyone, and I personally do not support doing anything that makes you that miserable just to prove you are not a quitter.

[NurseLoveJoy88, ASN, RN]

Nursing is demanding physically, emotionally, and psychologically. That is not going to change. The stress of nursing school pales in comparison to real world nursing. Nursing is not an appropriate career choice for everyone, and I personally do not support doing anything that makes you that miserable just to prove you are not a quitter.

I don't think she is going through nursing school to prove she is not a quitter. What she is going through is what alot of nursing student go through, including myself. I've had times when I had to take a "time out" from clinicals or I felt high anxiety, some days I even felf miserable... however, I woke up the next morning thanking God that he allowed me to make it this far. I love nursing, I know that all the blood,sweat, and tears will pay off.

Nursing school at times can be miserable, but I'm finishing the program not to prove I'm not a quitter, but to be in a career that I feel is best for me.

To the OP, hopefully you will find out soon whether nursing is for you or not. I agree c- virgoRN, nursing is not for everyone. If it is for you hang in there, if not keep going.

[dnricardi]

Hi there,

I just graduated in Decemeber from an acclerated second-degree nursing program. From the very beginning I found myself more anxious than I too had ever felt in my entire life. I was given a PRN perscription for anti-anxiety meds for the first time! And to be honest, several of my classmates did as well. I had always been a high grade student, who could skate by without studying....and here I was barely passing my exams!!! I love helping and interacting with people and in clinical I was petrefied and mute! (this is a huge change since I am an excessive talker by nature). Time after time I cried ... actually BAWLED, my eyes out - throwing my textbooks, ranting about how I hated nursing and thought it was pointless and WHAT was I doing?! ... but by the end, during that final preceptorship, I realized why I was here. And even then I thought sometimes maybe I made a mistake. Nursing isn't for everyone, but I know that regardless of whether you're destined to be a nurse or you made a career error and found yourself there (begging to leave) - nursing SCHOOL is one of the most challenging experiences we go through. I've had women tell me they were army medics for over 10 years and were in nursing school and that it was Nursing School that was the hardest thing they've ever done! That certainly made me feel better, and less alone. From what I'm told, the first year is pretty rough and anxiety-provoking too. But I've also been assurred that by the halfway point, as a new nurse, you really begin to feel comfortable and it starts to become the career you hoped for, instead of the job you're scared of! I'm still waiting to take my boards, and I'm deathly afraid to start my new job ... but I know its worth the try. And that nursing school was a personal feat I'm proud to say I accomplished.

And on the up-side, if you do decide nursing isn't for you, there are still plenty of things you can do with that degree! A friend of mine doesn't like working with people, she went into nursing for similiar reasons as you mentioned and snagged herself a job working as a circulating scrub nurse in the OR. Perfect, doesn't have to talk to patients and still uses all that degree from nursing school that she grueled through to get.

Just my two cents, you aren't alone.

[Steristripqueen]

Hi, I agree with the other posters however perhaps you have reached a point in the nursing school/program that eventually it will be up to YOU to help/save a persons life. That realization is scary to say the least; however that is the point of school, to help you work through that little bit of nagging doubt that you can't do this or that. School should be looked upon not as a chore or necessary evil but a living experience in which an instructor is your lifeline until you get your own confidence. Like needing training wheels before you rode on your own bike by yourself. Like the others have stated nursing is not for everyone...you need to listen to your gut instinct. There are several other fields in medical that have less pressure. Take a deep breath and realize that the only one putting pressure on you is you. I mean this is a helpful way. Good luck with your decsion.

[Nova30]

Dear Jco2,

I had a similar experience like Dnricardi. By the end of my 1st year, whatever little self-esteem and confidence I had was M.I.A and I hated both school and myself(because I too felt like a huge loser.) :cry:PLEASE do not be so hard on yourself, it only makes life that more difficult. Talking to my advisor and a few of my professors helped and I also went to counseling (It really helps to just talk to someone). Maybe you should check out a book called " Don't sweat the small stuff." I was able to survive Nursing school and NCLEX by having faith in myself (and a little self pampering helped too ). Its important to take good care of yourself and to be proud as well, because you have a noble heart. :heartbeat Whatever you decide to do good luck and best wishes.

[flightnurse2b, LPN]

i'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.

nursing school is a difficult time for anyone. i've never been one to buckle under pressure, ever. but i remember those sleepless nights, being so stressed that i didn't eat, bursting into tears from pulling on campus.... you are definately pushed to your threshold in nursing school. my classmates were no different. the girl who sat infront of me sat with the trash can and had a habit of vomiting before exams. the girl who sat next to me broke out into hives and scratched herself until she bled during lecture. the girl who sat behind me just cried, all the darn time. you aren't alone.

there were times when i wondered if i should have stayed with the fire dept. there were times when i even thought i wanted to take a real estate class, lol. but now that i am a nurse, it was so worth it. i wouldn't trade it for the world and i am so glad that i stuck it out.

nursing is really hard. i guess i am somewhat desensitized to the anxiety of being around patients because i am also a paramedic-- i actually work better when i am working a code then when i do just sitting on my hiney. but with your downs, you have your ups. there are nights when i don't get to eat, or for that matter, tinkle for 12 hours. but at the end of the day, when my back hurts and my feet are throbbing, i love what i do. and thats what matters most.

follow your heart.... if your heart is not truly in nursing, then i would say to put up your white flag... because when you graduate, you will be faced with many very emotionally and physically trying situations. but if you think that part of your heart is still vested in becoming a nurse, then please try and stick it out.... once school is over and you get that pass result from your boards, i promise you will feel like you just lifted a 2 million pound elephant off of your back.

i wish you all the very best in your future. good luck to you in whatever you should choose.

[marilynmom, LPN, NP]

I've always been the ONE person in my whole family that didn't panic and I never really got stressed about much in life UNTIL I became an RN. Being an RN is THE most stressful thing in my life.

Nursing school to me was pretty easy (cause you have that safety blanket) but becoming and RN stressed me out REALLY BAD....I had to go on anti anxiety meds (that didn't always help!), would be up ALL night before my shift and then go into my 12 hour shifts completely worn out before I even began--it was horrible. I worried all the time, even my days off were totally ruined because of my job. I really really regretted even getting a nursing degree. I stuck it out for about 6 months and then some things happened (family wise, not job wise) and I gave my notice and got out of there.

I now work in a psych hospital (residential adolescent home) and the stress is LOW compared to the ICU in the hospital--it's just totally different, plus I work nights which is even more low stress--I don't freak out at all. I will probably never work in a hospital again, it is not for me and I"m ok with that. I am SO glad I made the change I did, I'm happy and so is my family. I sleep good, am off the anti-anxiety, meds, feel great about myself and my job.

It is something you really need to think about though. There are certainly easier jobs out there!

Hope you find a solution that is right for you :)

[Riseupandnurse]

I feel for the OP. What we need to remember is that in general it is nurses who are reading this thread and replying. Re-reading what the OP had to say, I don't think there is such a very deep "call" to be a nurse, but instead a desire to have a stable job and help people. Those can be fine motives for becoming a nurse, but there are many other ways to get into a stable career and help people. I think if nursing school is making you sick, practice will make you sicker, and life is so short. I am thinking of someone very close to me that felt that way in school, toughed it out, and is still toughing out each shift a decade later, still miserable and still trying not to be a "quitter". Listen to your body and look for something else! It does not make you a loser to know when to fold your cards; it makes you a winner!