is this bullying?

Sour Lemon · Jun 14, 2018

Hello everyone! I'm new and would like to share what happened and get feedback. I'm Junior in nursing school (currently in summer school) I graduated in Dec with my BSN. I have a previous degree in pre pharm so I'm a bit older than the traditional student. Anywho, today my instructor told me that my cohort does not like me. Yes, those words exactly. It came as a bit of shock. My school is small and only has 17 people in my cohort. I've never spoken badly about anyone of these girls. We share notes, help one another study and even eat lunch together. I had no prior warning that the girls had a problem with me. My instructor was told I was "talking too much in class and answering too many questions during discussion" and "inappropriate at clinical" but my clinical instructor (a different instructor then whom I was talking to) never mentioned anything and even gave me a thumbs up for a patient care award given to me by the clinical site.
I asked for more information but she was unable to provide me with who/what/where. I work hard and participate in class and mind my own business. The only thing I can think of is maybe answering questions in class possibly annoys people. Or maybe it's my age difference? I'm so close to graduation but now I don't want to go back to school knowing everyone hates me. Should I sit out a semester? Is there something I could have done? I checked myself to see if I was doing something annoying or accidentally being rude but I can't think of anything? I was so upset I came home and cried. Can someone please give me insight? What did I do? I plan on no longer participating in class and will just stay quiet, eat by myself and stay out of everyone's way.

Your questions and input may be more frequent and lengthy than everyone else's. This can be very disruptive and frustrating for the rest of the class, even if they do like you personally. It doesn't sound like bullying, to me. It sounds like feedback where the words could have been chosen better.

allnurses Guide · Jun 14, 2018

Sorry you are having such a confusing experience with your cohort there. Just a couple of things I wonder about.

What part of your story makes you think it might be bullying?

Why is sitting out for a semester a viable option under the circumstances?

Why not just finish up without changing anything except for perhaps asking fewer questions in class?

You are almost done, and the only negative evaluation you have is one third-party who uses adolescent verbiage like "they don't like you".

If you were less than halfway through your program, the remedy would probably be more complex. As of now, you very quickly will not need to associate with anyone from nursing school again unless you choose to.

Choose to believe the positives you have actually experienced, rather than take this one comment to heart and conclude "everyone hates me".

All the best to you.

EDNURSE20, BSN · Jun 14, 2018

Being someone who answers all the questions can be really annoying. We had a student like that in my cohort, and they did not have a good reputation.

But there no reason to drop out over this. It's one semester and then you never have to see these people again, if you don't want to. I know it isn't always easy but you have to not care what they think. Get on and do your thing. If they don't want to be friends, then fine.

None of you classmates are saying anything to you or being rude or not including you. For you instructor to say that though is inappropriate.

My advice remain friendly and give other people a chance to answer question. Think about everyone else's learning as well, but doesn't mean you have to be quite either. Maybe put in a complaint about the instructor too.

Trauma Columnist · Jun 14, 2018

Nope, not bullying. Just feedback. I've been out of nursing school a long time but we too had a student who (I perceived) as someone who asked too many questions thus making the class longer then it needed to be. I was a working student (I was in my 30's when I went back to school) and just wanted to get it over and done with.

Maybe ask questions AFTER class? If you know the answer just keep quiet so others can answer too?

Like others have said, nursing school is just a few years out of your life. I couldn't name one student or instructor now. Just keep your head down and go on...

Best wishes - in a few years this will be just a dim memory

elkpark · Jun 14, 2018

Not bullying. And try not to catastrophize the situation. "Not liking" you is not the same as "hating" you. I was an older student in nursing school, with prior college experience, more accustomed to academia than most of my classmates, and I tended to raise my hand immediately, answer questions, and do what I thought of as contributing, as expected, to the class discussion. Guess what? Not how many of my classmates saw it. Count your blessings -- I got actual audible sighs and eye rolls from some of my classmates when I would raise my hand, eventually. A professor spoke with me, with more finesse than yours did with you, and explained that, by always raising my hand and having the answer to each of her questions, I was letting all the other students off the hook (I still remember her saying, "I'll make a deal with you -- I'll assume that you know the answers to the questions, and you hang back and give the other students a chance to respond.")

I made a few good friends in nursing school, some of the students actively disliked me, which was fine with me, and most of my class and I had no feelings for each other one way or the other. You go to nursing school to learn about nursing, not to be popular with your classmates. Worrying about whether the group "likes" you or not seems kind of high school to me. Most of these people you'll never see or even think much about again once you graduate.

Dealing with real life nursing is going to be quite a bit tougher, emotionally, than dealing with cliques in school. Return to school, MYOB, "keep your eyes on the prize," and keep moving forward. I hope you can move past this and figure out a way to not react to things in an emotional way, or you're going to be doing a lot more crying once you've graduated and started working. Best wishes!

Cowboyardee · Jun 14, 2018

It could be bullying behavior if it's not true; that is, if you just annoy that one particular instructor and she decided to make up a consensus on the spot to agree with her. That would be manipulative and unethical.

How do you know whether it's just her or if others have complained? You could ask around. But unless someone comes right out and agrees with her, you might never really find out for certain.

Does it matter? Not that much, ultimately. You're almost done school and you have been accused of know-it-all-ism, not murdering children and puppies. Don't even think about dropping out. Consider this just one data point, and give it the weight that it's due (and no more than that).

It's certainly fair to ask yourself a few questions about your own conduct in class. Do you hijack discussions to make them about yourself while excluding other perspectives? Do you answer questions more to show off what you know than to move the class instruction along? Do you engage with others or just steer things back to yourself? If you do these things, make some adjustments. And then don't worry about it anymore. If you don't do these things, consider disregarding your instructor's opinion beyond jumping through whatever hoops you need to to get a passing grade.

JKL33 · Jun 14, 2018

A few separate things:

The person who spoke with you about this took the easy way out; instead of offering a legitimate critique she chose an approach that comes off extremely petty (adolescent, to use another poster's word). That doesn't mean there isn't a legitimate thread to what she meant to say.

Complicating matters (as far as you being able to personally take stock of the situation) is the fact that this certainly wouldn't be the first time that lazy people may choose to take cheap shots at an achiever - what else can they do? Not saying that is the case, but it's a definite possibility. So be careful in deciding to just automatically change everything in order to satisfy people whose standards aren't yours and who don't even seem very happy about their own.

Lastly, I do think it's better to meet a professor after class or do extra knowledge inquiry on your own time, so-to-speak. First of all, it prevents ^^. Secondly, the goal shouldn't be to show everyone what one knows, but to actually really learn. And it displays respect for others' time, needs, and interests in class. Besides, staying after displays an interest beyond looking good in front of others. So as long as you're not wasting your professor's time after class s/he will likely appreciate talking with you; genuinely interested students are a good thing.

Good luck; I'm sure you can finish this out no problem. Don't be petty with your peers after this. That is unbecoming and you can be better than that.

Horseshoe, BSN, RN · Jun 15, 2018

No, this doesn't rise to the definition of bullying.

It hurt your feelings. That doesn't make it bullying. It seems that word is so over used these days.

If you are dominating the discussions, that would be annoying and I'm sure some people would decide they "don't like you" as a result.

If you want to be liked, stop doing it. If ingratiating yourself with the professors is more important to you than being well liked, then simply carry on and don't worry about it.

Orion81RN · Jun 15, 2018

Your questions and input may be more frequent and lengthy than everyone else's. This can be very disruptive and frustrating for the rest of the class, even if they do like you personally. It doesn't sound like bullying, to me. It sounds like feedback where the words could have been chosen better.

I disagree. Gossipping behind her back and letting the instructor in on it, to me, is bully behavior.

Oldmahubbard · Jun 15, 2018

Apparently you are perceived as monopolizing the conversation. Although the language the instructor used was very inappropriate, this is good feedback.

You enjoy talking, I gather you are somewhat of an extrovert. These are traits that can serve you well in the future, as long as there is balance.

Tone it down, finish your degree, move on to your career, and very probably never see any of those people again.

If you run into one of them 5 years from now, they won't even remember any of it.

allnurses Guide · Jun 15, 2018

Who cares?

Seriously, you are there to learn and to graduate. Do what however works best for you and don't lose sleep over what other students think of you, especially if they aren't professional enough to talk to you face to face about it.