having a boyfriend vs. nursing studies

[ThePrincessBride, BSN]

I am going to say something you do NOT want to hear:

Most relationships at our age (I'm 19 as well) don't last. Probably 90%. I see alot of myself in you. I also have high standards and goals for myself. My ex-boyfriend, however, was much like yours. He didn't know what to do with his life, flunked out of Engineering school, and picked a cushy Business Degree (Human Resources). He didn't know what to do and had no focus. First he wanted a MBA, then he wanted to go to Law School, a PHD in Human Resources, etc. I, on the other hand, knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to go to Nursing school and eventually become a Neo-Natal Nurse Practitioner.

I knew I was going to be making more money. How? HR workers are the "fat" of companies, and companies want to keep themselves lean, keeping the meat (sales, advertisers and accountants) as firm and thick as possible. As a Nurse Practitioner, I would have made more than double his salary.

While in the hospital, I met a girl who was in Nursing school. She had dropped several boyfriends in favor of HER goals and dreams, which was to become a Nurse. She wasn't going to let a boy, let alone a clueless, unmotivated one, stand in the way of her goals and dreams.

My mother also chose her soon-to-be ex husband, my father, over her dreams to pursue a PHD. To this day, she regrets letting a man get in the way of her goals. And from your post, I can see that this boy is dragging you down...not keeping you up.

I'm not going to tell you whether or not you should keep him in the picture, but I'd keep those goals and dreams your top priority. And if he gets in the way of studying and reaching those goals, you might want to reevaluate this relationship.

[Wanna_BA_Nurse]

LOL!! Did you not read I said EVEN MORE SECURITY??? I am secure in and can support myself! Im just saying I also, like the OP, like a traditional relationship where the man is supposed to be the main bread winner! What IS sad when women cant be happy for each other when they have a very hard working spouse and can support their family 100%, and applaud other women for wanting the same!!! Now is it bad to be in an 'upside down' marraige?? I dont think so... but is it nice to know that whether or not you work the bills will still get paid and lead a comfy lifestyle because you have a hard working spouse, absolutely! It seems the OP just wants a responsible hard working partner like herself, and any nurse(present or future) deserves it!

1: I don't find anything funny here...

2: For all I know you could (and would) have just edited that post.

3:

What IS sad when women cant be happy for each other when they have a very hard working spouse and can support their family 100%, and applaud other women for wanting the same!!!

I don't even know where that came from as the OP does not have a "very hard working spouse".

4: Your run-on sentences confuse me as to what you are trying to make a point of.

However, I can agree with the very last statement you made. She does deserve to get a hard-working partner as do you and I. However, all I meant by my most original post is that it shouldn't matter whether or not he makes more than her as long as he is working at all and/or contributing positively to their relationship which, clearly, he isn't.

LOL!! Did you not read I said EVEN MORE SECURITY??? I am secure in and can support myself! Im just saying I also, like the OP, like a traditional relationship where the man is supposed to be the main bread winner! What IS sad when women cant be happy for each other when they have a very hard working spouse and can support their family 100%, and applaud other women for wanting the same!!! Now is it bad to be in an 'upside down' marraige?? I dont think so... but is it nice to know that whether or not you work the bills will still get paid and lead a comfy lifestyle because you have a hard working spouse, absolutely! It seems the OP just wants a responsible hard working partner like herself, and any nurse(present or future) deserves it!

I'll reiterate, if the man is supposed to be the main bread winner, are you going to work full time, and have dinner on the table each night? Or is it just the man who is supposed to live in the 1950's?

There's nothing wrong with having a partner who works hard, that's not what you said (there are plenty of folks who work hard and aren't wealthy...look around a bit). You said that you want to make sure they make enough money to keep you "comfy."

What is sad is someone who's looking for a partner with a primary qualification of making enough money so they don't have to work hard themselves.

I'm not sure of your use of emoticons...are you trying to make jokes?

I'll reiterate, if the man is supposed to be the main bread winner, are you going to work full time, and have dinner on the table each night? Or is it just the man who is supposed to live in the 1950's?

There's nothing wrong with having a partner who works hard, that's not what you said (there are plenty of folks who work hard and aren't wealthy...look around a bit). You said that you want to make sure they make enough money to keep you "comfy."

What is sad is someone who's looking for a partner with a primary qualification of making enough money so they don't have to work hard themselves.

I'm not sure of your use of emoticons...are you trying to make jokes?

No jokes with the smileys... I'm just don't want to be sound so serious, since this is a forum to post different OPINIONS and lighten the mood that's all.. I nevr said the OPs man was a hard worker, and by comfy I meant having a little but more than paycheck to paycheck if you can..that's what I want for myself and I'm sure so does the rest of the world!. If we are in this field I would think that qualifies all of us as hard workers..but Just because someones husband/ boyfriend is in a great job.. I sont think its bad of his wife to be proud of it and want the same for everyone else whether I know them or not...I think it would be 50s like of the woman DIDN'T educate herself if she is in the position where she can go to school and nt advance her own career just to play housewife.. Not that theres anything wrong with that.. Again stating opinion.. I'm just saying to the original post MY OPINION is that the male figure should be the bread winner. That doesn't mean the women should be lazy.. I was posting as an agreement from another post... Sorry if I offended anyone

[rockabye]

The problem when someone says the male should be the "breadwinner" is that it implies men should be making more money than women in all heterosexual marriages. What if the man is happy working at what he does and the wife is making more money? If your opinion is he should be the breadwinner, do you force the man to either work over-time, get into management, or change careers? Should the woman take a lower-paying job or work less-time even if she enjoys her career? In my marriage, I am not as interested in who makes the most-money. Instead, I am more concerned about keeping our relationship strong and working together to keep and run a successful household.

Well thankfully he himself pushes himself! I fo agree it's about the well being and not a competition of who makes more... At the present time with me doing pre reqs for nursing full time to go to nursing school right after.. I must say it's nice! But should all men be th ONLY money makers! No! If your in a relationship.. It's about being stable I think..

Well thankfully he himself pushes himself! I fo agree it's about the well being and not a competition of who makes more... At the present time with me doing pre reqs for nursing full time to go to nursing school right after.. I must say it's nice! But should all men be th ONLY money makers! No! If your in a relationship.. It's about being stable I think..

Uh, right.

So this conversation was about the wisdom of PICKING a spouse because they make more money than they do and can be the "breadwinner." Many folks disagreed that making more money was not as important as both partners contributing to the relationship (which the OP's boyfriend isn't doing...so many identified this as being a bigger issue than how much money he made).

No one ever said that your partner didn't work hard.

I'm confused on your point....earlier you seemed to be saying that a young woman SHOULD be looking for a "breadwinner" where now you seem to be saying the opposite.

[casi, ASN, RN]

It sounds like both of you have some growing up to do.

I think he's smart for not jumping into college right away when he doesn't know what he wants to do, and probably isn't ready for it. It's the responsible thing to do. You can push him towards and education, but until he's ready it won't work out well.

Relationships are very doable in nursing school. I did a long distance relationship where I was the only one that drove. Once every couple of weeks if not more I'd drive 2 hours to my boyfriends place with a lot of textbooks. We'd hang out in our own way (him on the computer/playing video games) me with a book in my lap. This is where you need to grow up a little and manage your time. If you need to study you need to study not go out.

I also want to say that relationships are about accepting what makes the other person happy. Even if he only becomes the manager of a fast food joint, but is happy with it. That's something you should be happy about.

I'm glad I didn't have the "opinion" that men "must" make more money than the woman. When I met my husband, he wasn't making much money at all. He did have a college education, however, and most importantly...incredible drive, work ethic, and ambition. He also had all the other qualities I admired in a man. He worked 7 days a week in our early years, making essentially nothing (100% commission job, building his own business) while I worked to put food on the table.

If I had been of the opinion that he "must" make more money than I, I would never have married him, or would have had to leave him after a couple of years where he was not making any money and I had to be the breadwinner. Fortunately I did not view it that way. To me, the important thing was he had goals, a hard work ethic, love for me, and the desire to build something worthwhile together. It just so happened that over time his business blossomed and he now makes 6 figures (and in some good years has made more than that). So had I not overlooked our salary discrepancy, I would have missed out on a wonderful, loving husband, a man who truly understands the word "partnership," and a very financially lucrative future.

I am very glad I didn't limit my thinking to archaic role models and instead looked for other more important qualities. Even had my husband not been as financially successful, I would still have respected him for having such high requirements of himself in every aspect. That's what I find incredibly attractive.

And by the way, I am very glad I got my education. I love knowing that if the worst ever happened, I can still support myself. That's a great feeling!

Go to school. Stay current and active even if you find your big breadwinner and you want to stay home with the kids for awhile. You'll want those credentials, because once the kids are gone you are going to want to be able to contribute to the world and feel stimulated. Look for a guy who has ambition and goals rather than a particular salary. Otherwise you just might miss out on the best guy ever.

Some thoughts:

DON'T marry (or have a child with) "potential." You're in the early stages of your relationship--the discovery phase, so to speak. Observe, pay attention, discuss, speculate. Try different ideas on for size, including job possibilities for each of you. Talk about where you each want to be five or ten or fifteen years down the road. This kind of exploration will help to determine if you have enough in common (values, goals, principles, etc.) to truly start building a life together.

Be aware that men mature later. This isn't a sexist statement. It's a reality. A few young men are ready to settle down and get cracking on a career just out of high school, but most are not. This is part of what is behind the UK practice of having a "gap year" between high school and college. That's a good time to go out and have some adventures, participate in projects, take trips, learn about life.

Laziness might really be a lack of passion or even depression. When young people talk about taking time out to find themselves, what they most often mean is finding something that really excites and engages them. Could be music, carpentry, computer design, artistic endeavors, dog breeding, breadmaking. For some, sports, video gaming and other leisure activities can be a poor substitute for the real deal, absorbing a person's time and energy without really giving much in return. Encourage your boyfriend to look beyond his surface thrills to find an area with real magnetism for him. And keep an eye out for danger signals--sleeping too much, drinking too much, "hiding out from the world," lethargy, and other indicators that he may be heading toward depression. A slow slide is often too subtle to see without actually looking for it.

Don't confuse a college education or high-paying job with success. The bank balance is important, but you can get by with less if you are both happy with what you're doing and feel that your talents are being used. Better to skip college or at least put it off than to run up huge loan amounts just because it's the thing to do. There are many successful people out there who taught themselves or learned on the job, including lots of business owners.

The money isn't the most important thing. Yes, you absolutely do want to help provide for your family, but it's the self-respect that is essential for a healthy relationship. Let your boyfriend know how good it feels to you to be earning your own paycheck. Build him up when you see him doing positive, goal-oriented things. Praise independence, planning, setting and achieving goals (even small ones at the start). Create a culture of going after excellence that includes studying and learning about your chosen career path.

If you're living together, consider moving out. This is a biggie. If the two of you are each other's default setting, it will always be easier to opt out of the difficult things and decide to kick back in front of the TV. You don't have to break up with him. Just say that you now know you have to spend your time carefully in order to maintain your focus. The other thing this will do is help you to take some distance to decide if you really want him as a life partner or just a friend, if you're with him because you really do love him or you're with him because he's the path of least resistance and you don't want to hurt his feelings. If you aren't living together now, so much the better.

These are challenging questions to answer. The boyfriend I had at 17 is very different from the man I am married to many, many years later--even though they're the same guy. We both had a lot of growing up to do and we chose to do it together.

The most important thing I can tell you to do (what my husband said made all the difference in the world to him) is let him know where you're going in your life and invite (rather than scold or shame or threaten) him to come along. Tell him you have plans that you hope he can be a part of, but if not, you will understand and wish him well.

I wish you well.

Edited Jan 19, 2011 by rn/writer

Uh, right.

So this conversation was about the wisdom of PICKING a spouse because they make more money than they do and can be the "breadwinner." Many folks disagreed that making more money was not as important as both partners contributing to the relationship (which the OP's boyfriend isn't doing...so many identified this as being a bigger issue than how much money he made).

No one ever said that your partner didn't work hard.

I'm confused on your point....earlier you seemed to be saying that a young woman SHOULD be looking for a "breadwinner" where now you seem to be saying the opposite.

I never said a young woman should look for that.. If that happens it's a blessing! But anyway my view is that a spouse should have the drive to want to be successful in every facet of there life.. If that happens, then everything else falls into place as far as ge goes.. My view is that a woman should get an education regardless of her circumstance! Now do I have a old school idea/opinion that a man should be a breadwinner, yes, but should money be the only reason to marry someone, absolutely not!! Now I don't recommend marrying a complete bum either just because a persons in love... If he has a drive for success that's a great start as far as spouses go..

I want a man who has a good career and knows where he is going in life and will be able to support me and my family. I dont want to be the one making the most money in the household because that is a man's position.

What on Earth!

I'm a dude, and I'm actually kind of resentful of those remarks.

So let's say as a male nurse I met some woman who happened to make more money than me, but she was completely compatible with me, I should avoid her?

Jeez, what is this, 1951?

[llltapp]

bottom line:

only YOU can define what will make YOU happy. If you have fundamental traditional needs for the roles in your relationship, then by all means, find someone that feels the same way. Don't expect to change him. Don't expect to motivate him. Do your thing, you are young!

I think respecting your partner is a MUST for a successful relationship. If you perceive that he has a lack of ambition, inability to provide, etc, you don't respect him and that will destroy your relationship in the future.