having a boyfriend vs. nursing studies

[TamTam23]

I am only 19 and I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We have been going out since high school and he has a basic part time job. He hasnt decided to go to college yet because he is unsure of what he wants to do with his life so he does not want to waste money on it.

Me on the other hand has been into the medical field and always knew what i wanted to do once I got out of high school which is to become a nurse. I have my CNA right now and got the opportunity to work at one of the best hospitals in the state. It is very difficult and I have alot to learn since the CNA class I took was geared toward LTC facilities so there is alot of new stuff to learn. I am overwhelmed because I want to do well and I know that it takes time and practice. I feel very privileged to be able to work in a hospital because not many young people get the chance to because of "lack of maturity or experience". So I really want to do my best because I want to go to nursing school and become an RN in the facility and they promote within so I could do many things after I am through with my nursing days.

My dilemma is I love my boyfriend so much and we have been through alot and he is always there to support me. We talk about ourselves getting married and growing old together but I fear that he will not be as successful as I plan to be because he does not have any goals for himself. I want a man who has a good career and knows where he is going in life and will be able to support me and my family. I dont want to be the one making the most money in the household because that is a man's position. He does support my position Im in and is scared I will leave him because he wont be as successful. He consumes my thoughts and it is so hard to focus on the life around me and that scares me. Instead of studying my skills I rather spend time with him and I know that is the wrong way to go. Everyone keeps telling me he will stay if he truly loves me and that you need to focus on yourself to the best of your ability to become one of the big dogs. My parents continuously tell me to stay home and study but i just ignore them because I want to go out and be a kid as well.

Does anyone have some advice for me?? I am young and feel like I am making stupid choices and the sad part is I know Im making stupid choices but i just cant stop it.

[my3suns]

IMHO the biggest issue is you not thinking you will be able to study while he is around. You have to realize that your education is most important and all things will take a backseat to that or your grades will reflect it. You have to be able to do that before you even start school.

As for your boyfriend, if he is your age, I think give him a break! I do think he needs to work but I also think that he may not need an education for him to be successful. Now if you want him to have a degree for a sense of status that is another thing but that wont guarantee you security, just read this site for people who are going into nursing as a second career because their first one didnt pan out.

My DH went to college for two semesters to be a teacher not because he wanted but because his mom did. He dropped out got a certificate and now 15yrs later owns two businesses and makes much more than a teacher!! It can go either way.

I do wish you the best of luck!! Remember to focus on you and your studies!

[NaKcl, BSN, RN]

My advice is,,, You need to focus on one thing, either the nursing school or your boyfriend. It is hard, but you need to make the priority. Let him figure out his future and you focus on your future. YOu forcing him will not change him. it will just waste your energy and time. You focus on your goal only for now.

[Vanessa3]

I understand where you are coming from me and my bf were in a similar situation & i am the same age as you. . . . u know what i did i gave him an ultimatum told him to get his butt in school or were done. And guess what he did it & u know what happened the 1st semester he passed 1 class out of the 5 he took (which i advised him not to ) and that class was gym with a C+!!!!!!!You can't force success, the desire to become successful has to come within. I totally can understand what u mean about feeling moody, guilty and neglecting him to go study but u know what sometimes you have to really get over it. I know were young "in love" filled with theses emotions for these guys but if their not playing their part, u need to just wait it out focus on you & keep him in the back of your mind. What i used to do is plan our dates in advance , become organize and u can make time for him, DO NOT FALL BEHIND BECAUSE OF HIM IT'S NOT WORTH IT , WE ARE VERY FORTUNATE TO BE YOUNG, EMPLOYED & ON THE RIGHT PATH TO SUCCESS NO GUY IS WORTH UR PASSION, IF THIS IS WHAT U TRULY WANT. breaking up with him is just going to further complicate the situation & consume your thoughts and it will be much harder to focus, wait it out on him making his mind on college and career path(boys mature later then girls & figure things out longer then girls in some cases) and ORGANIZE!. it's easier said then done tho

[mtowers2]

I definitely don't believe it is the "man's position" to make more money however, it should be the expectation of any person you are with to at least have some sort of goals for the future and the responsibility of getting up everyday and going to work. Everyone has room for growth, so my concern with the situation is he should have some sort of goals long term and short term. Ultimately you need to focus on you and your career goals. If he loves you he will A. support you especially if you are doing something positive with your life and B. hopefully will step up and better himself for you and your relationship!

[pink4]

OP,

I was in your same shoes your age.. In love, 'engaged', and planning our future.. That is until I started to see I wanted to take schooh serious and he wouldn't, and would argue why I would prefer to study than hang out or party.. Needless to say I tried, changed schools to be with him and tried to party to show him I wasn't as boring as his friends said I was..

Two weeks later I found out he cheated on me with some high school drop out.. I felt stupid but decided to move on...the point is don't let what you feel now decided the next 20 years of your life!! Have fun girl!! You're fresh outta high school! Enjoy your youth before planning your old age with any guy!! There are soooooo many fish on the ocean we call life!! Lol!!! Let someone else pay the bill for a change!! Lol! Become a nurse first! Who knows you just may have awesome luck and catch a Doctor or something!

[Wanna_BA_Nurse]

I honestly don't see how you earning the most money is a big deal. I can see it being an issue if he continues to not earn any money at all though. Listen to your friends on this one: "if he truly loves you he'll stay". Focus on your future. Remember when you go on a plane and they say to put your mask on first in case of an emergency and then put it on your kid? This is that kind of deal.

[Up2nogood RN, RN]

So you're growing up and he doesnt want to. There are many occupations that don't require college ie garbage hauler, bus driver, city worker but it doesn't sound like your guy is motivated to do anything. You need to focus on you. Don't let him drag you down. Some men can be very manipulative and want you to be miserable so will tell you anything you want to hear to get you to do what they want. Been there done that. Don't let your dreams die because you're afraid of hurting someone. Do what you have to to be successful. You may have to study instead of going out but that's really all part of being a grown up. If he can't understand that then dump the chump.

[pink4]

Idk WANNA BA NURSE.. I personally like knowing that my man makes significantly more than I... Makes me feel even more secure.. Plus if I decide to pursue even more education, It's nice to know my income is not needed to maintain the household going.. That is a blessing Especially in this economy.. Plus my mom would kill me if she knew I was supporting a man!( she is super old school! Lol!) Like one poster said, men are designed to be providers..physically and anatomically..

[Sarah010101]

Wow, i was practically crying reading this... i feel like you just described my life. Although I am in my 3rd year of nursing school now, i think my dedication has inspired my boyfriend to attend school now. He has chosen to become a machinist apprentice (FINALLY). I decided to give it until the end of nursing school to figure out what I am going to do. I love my boyfriend as well, but i worry with todays economy he will have a tough time getting someone to pick him up as an apprentice and I will be the one bringing in all the money and the career blah blah blah.

I too have been with my boyfriend since 17 (just before gr 12 started), and I am 20 now. 3 years... it has been difficult.

I figure if he hasnt committed fully to something by the time i grad in 2012... we will be over It is sad... but, I sometimes wish he had more direction like myself. However I still love him to bits.

I hope everything works out for you

[TamTam23]

Thank you all for the replies. The posts definetely gave me some insight of what I need to do and even stories that related to mine. I will try to focus more on myself rather then go out every night but it is easier said than done. We will see where the future takes mee...

[babyNP., APRN]

I respectfully disagree with you AirforceRN. Men were designed to be providers. That's how the first man was built and that's how the last man will be built. Yes, things have changed and households often require two incomes, but the fundamental things that make a man feel like a man have NOT. Being in an "upside down" marriage myself, I know that it causes conflict. It blurs lines and complicates things. Ha ha ha, maybe I should save this for the counselor! Seriously though, it's not just my marriage that I know with this issue. I think the OP knows what she can handle and apparently the burden of being the breadwinner is not one of those things.

My advice to OP is to get your school on!! Either he will step up to the plate and show you he can be what you need & want him to be OR ...he can go kick rocks LOL:twocents:. Kudos to you for knowing what you want and don't want for both yourself and future your life partner at such an early age. Stay true to yourself and DO NOT compromise!

OP-I made $75k in my first year of nursing with just a few shifts of overtime. Not many 23 year olds can make that kind of money--your attitudes towards the money-making seem a bit unrealistic unless you want to marry a lawyer, doctor, or one of the lucky wall-street guys (none of which are 23, btw, except in super rare cases).

Quote-My husband is going to become a school teacher for a few years (in the process of getting his masters right now) but his salary will cap out at around $50k. He loves being the house-husband and cleaning up the place and making me dinner every night--he will probably be a stay-at-home dad when we have kids because I earn so much more than he does and I love my job. Honestly, your views seem very sexist in today's world. There is more than one way to provide for a family.

[Katie5]

After reading most of these posts, I would like to say be sentimental and true love conquers all and all that good stuff people say, but that would be my heart talking.

My head says, take a step back and look at things objectively(that may be hard to do, but try). If counsellors are to be believed, they say the number one thing that breaks up a home is money. So you would want to know that your bf was also making something of himself.

Again,from a comment you made on wanting him to be the major provider in the family, you might very likely become resentful when he is not and you are.

I truly do not care how many people choose to deny it or call it old-fashioned, the guy is and should be the provider in the family.Things may happen, which makes you provider for a while, but that's okay too, as long as he bounces back and takes over.

Both incomes are needed very true, but let him be the provider.No one is saying dumb down your skills/intellect or anything like that, but be supportive in what he wants to do but let him decide already!

And truth be told, some women cannot handle it when they become breadwinners(I've seen a lot of it), it just simply gets to their heads and they ridicule the guy over it. Way to go-hit someone who is already down.