having a boyfriend vs. nursing studies

[TamTam23]

I am only 19 and I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We have been going out since high school and he has a basic part time job. He hasnt decided to go to college yet because he is unsure of what he wants to do with his life so he does not want to waste money on it.

Me on the other hand has been into the medical field and always knew what i wanted to do once I got out of high school which is to become a nurse. I have my CNA right now and got the opportunity to work at one of the best hospitals in the state. It is very difficult and I have alot to learn since the CNA class I took was geared toward LTC facilities so there is alot of new stuff to learn. I am overwhelmed because I want to do well and I know that it takes time and practice. I feel very privileged to be able to work in a hospital because not many young people get the chance to because of "lack of maturity or experience". So I really want to do my best because I want to go to nursing school and become an RN in the facility and they promote within so I could do many things after I am through with my nursing days.

My dilemma is I love my boyfriend so much and we have been through alot and he is always there to support me. We talk about ourselves getting married and growing old together but I fear that he will not be as successful as I plan to be because he does not have any goals for himself. I want a man who has a good career and knows where he is going in life and will be able to support me and my family. I dont want to be the one making the most money in the household because that is a man's position. He does support my position Im in and is scared I will leave him because he wont be as successful. He consumes my thoughts and it is so hard to focus on the life around me and that scares me. Instead of studying my skills I rather spend time with him and I know that is the wrong way to go. Everyone keeps telling me he will stay if he truly loves me and that you need to focus on yourself to the best of your ability to become one of the big dogs. My parents continuously tell me to stay home and study but i just ignore them because I want to go out and be a kid as well.

Does anyone have some advice for me?? I am young and feel like I am making stupid choices and the sad part is I know Im making stupid choices but i just cant stop it.

[CuriousMe]

Well thankfully he himself pushes himself! I fo agree it's about the well being and not a competition of who makes more... At the present time with me doing pre reqs for nursing full time to go to nursing school right after.. I must say it's nice! But should all men be th ONLY money makers! No! If your in a relationship.. It's about being stable I think..

Uh, right.

So this conversation was about the wisdom of PICKING a spouse because they make more money than they do and can be the "breadwinner." Many folks disagreed that making more money was not as important as both partners contributing to the relationship (which the OP's boyfriend isn't doing...so many identified this as being a bigger issue than how much money he made).

No one ever said that your partner didn't work hard.

I'm confused on your point....earlier you seemed to be saying that a young woman SHOULD be looking for a "breadwinner" where now you seem to be saying the opposite.

[casi, ASN, RN]

It sounds like both of you have some growing up to do.

I think he's smart for not jumping into college right away when he doesn't know what he wants to do, and probably isn't ready for it. It's the responsible thing to do. You can push him towards and education, but until he's ready it won't work out well.

Relationships are very doable in nursing school. I did a long distance relationship where I was the only one that drove. Once every couple of weeks if not more I'd drive 2 hours to my boyfriends place with a lot of textbooks. We'd hang out in our own way (him on the computer/playing video games) me with a book in my lap. This is where you need to grow up a little and manage your time. If you need to study you need to study not go out.

I also want to say that relationships are about accepting what makes the other person happy. Even if he only becomes the manager of a fast food joint, but is happy with it. That's something you should be happy about.

[TWUgrad]

I'm glad I didn't have the "opinion" that men "must" make more money than the woman. When I met my husband, he wasn't making much money at all. He did have a college education, however, and most importantly...incredible drive, work ethic, and ambition. He also had all the other qualities I admired in a man. He worked 7 days a week in our early years, making essentially nothing (100% commission job, building his own business) while I worked to put food on the table.

If I had been of the opinion that he "must" make more money than I, I would never have married him, or would have had to leave him after a couple of years where he was not making any money and I had to be the breadwinner. Fortunately I did not view it that way. To me, the important thing was he had goals, a hard work ethic, love for me, and the desire to build something worthwhile together. It just so happened that over time his business blossomed and he now makes 6 figures (and in some good years has made more than that). So had I not overlooked our salary discrepancy, I would have missed out on a wonderful, loving husband, a man who truly understands the word "partnership," and a very financially lucrative future.

I am very glad I didn't limit my thinking to archaic role models and instead looked for other more important qualities. Even had my husband not been as financially successful, I would still have respected him for having such high requirements of himself in every aspect. That's what I find incredibly attractive.

And by the way, I am very glad I got my education. I love knowing that if the worst ever happened, I can still support myself. That's a great feeling!

Go to school. Stay current and active even if you find your big breadwinner and you want to stay home with the kids for awhile. You'll want those credentials, because once the kids are gone you are going to want to be able to contribute to the world and feel stimulated. Look for a guy who has ambition and goals rather than a particular salary. Otherwise you just might miss out on the best guy ever.

[rn/writer, RN]

Some thoughts:

DON'T marry (or have a child with) "potential." You're in the early stages of your relationship--the discovery phase, so to speak. Observe, pay attention, discuss, speculate. Try different ideas on for size, including job possibilities for each of you. Talk about where you each want to be five or ten or fifteen years down the road. This kind of exploration will help to determine if you have enough in common (values, goals, principles, etc.) to truly start building a life together.

Be aware that men mature later. This isn't a sexist statement. It's a reality. A few young men are ready to settle down and get cracking on a career just out of high school, but most are not. This is part of what is behind the UK practice of having a "gap year" between high school and college. That's a good time to go out and have some adventures, participate in projects, take trips, learn about life.

Laziness might really be a lack of passion or even depression. When young people talk about taking time out to find themselves, what they most often mean is finding something that really excites and engages them. Could be music, carpentry, computer design, artistic endeavors, dog breeding, breadmaking. For some, sports, video gaming and other leisure activities can be a poor substitute for the real deal, absorbing a person's time and energy without really giving much in return. Encourage your boyfriend to look beyond his surface thrills to find an area with real magnetism for him. And keep an eye out for danger signals--sleeping too much, drinking too much, "hiding out from the world," lethargy, and other indicators that he may be heading toward depression. A slow slide is often too subtle to see without actually looking for it.

Don't confuse a college education or high-paying job with success. The bank balance is important, but you can get by with less if you are both happy with what you're doing and feel that your talents are being used. Better to skip college or at least put it off than to run up huge loan amounts just because it's the thing to do. There are many successful people out there who taught themselves or learned on the job, including lots of business owners.

The money isn't the most important thing. Yes, you absolutely do want to help provide for your family, but it's the self-respect that is essential for a healthy relationship. Let your boyfriend know how good it feels to you to be earning your own paycheck. Build him up when you see him doing positive, goal-oriented things. Praise independence, planning, setting and achieving goals (even small ones at the start). Create a culture of going after excellence that includes studying and learning about your chosen career path.

If you're living together, consider moving out. This is a biggie. If the two of you are each other's default setting, it will always be easier to opt out of the difficult things and decide to kick back in front of the TV. You don't have to break up with him. Just say that you now know you have to spend your time carefully in order to maintain your focus. The other thing this will do is help you to take some distance to decide if you really want him as a life partner or just a friend, if you're with him because you really do love him or you're with him because he's the path of least resistance and you don't want to hurt his feelings. If you aren't living together now, so much the better.

These are challenging questions to answer. The boyfriend I had at 17 is very different from the man I am married to many, many years later--even though they're the same guy. We both had a lot of growing up to do and we chose to do it together.

The most important thing I can tell you to do (what my husband said made all the difference in the world to him) is let him know where you're going in your life and invite (rather than scold or shame or threaten) him to come along. Tell him you have plans that you hope he can be a part of, but if not, you will understand and wish him well.

I wish you well.

[pink4]

Uh, right.

So this conversation was about the wisdom of PICKING a spouse because they make more money than they do and can be the "breadwinner." Many folks disagreed that making more money was not as important as both partners contributing to the relationship (which the OP's boyfriend isn't doing...so many identified this as being a bigger issue than how much money he made).

No one ever said that your partner didn't work hard.

I'm confused on your point....earlier you seemed to be saying that a young woman SHOULD be looking for a "breadwinner" where now you seem to be saying the opposite.

I never said a young woman should look for that.. If that happens it's a blessing! But anyway my view is that a spouse should have the drive to want to be successful in every facet of there life.. If that happens, then everything else falls into place as far as ge goes.. My view is that a woman should get an education regardless of her circumstance! Now do I have a old school idea/opinion that a man should be a breadwinner, yes, but should money be the only reason to marry someone, absolutely not!! Now I don't recommend marrying a complete bum either just because a persons in love... If he has a drive for success that's a great start as far as spouses go..

[Samian Q]

I want a man who has a good career and knows where he is going in life and will be able to support me and my family. I dont want to be the one making the most money in the household because that is a man's position.

What on Earth!

I'm a dude, and I'm actually kind of resentful of those remarks.

So let's say as a male nurse I met some woman who happened to make more money than me, but she was completely compatible with me, I should avoid her?

Jeez, what is this, 1951?

[llltapp]

bottom line:

only YOU can define what will make YOU happy. If you have fundamental traditional needs for the roles in your relationship, then by all means, find someone that feels the same way. Don't expect to change him. Don't expect to motivate him. Do your thing, you are young!

I think respecting your partner is a MUST for a successful relationship. If you perceive that he has a lack of ambition, inability to provide, etc, you don't respect him and that will destroy your relationship in the future.