having a boyfriend vs. nursing studies

tencat · Jan 13, 2011

I respectfully disagree with you AirforceRN. Men were designed to be providers. That's how the first man was built and that's how the last man will be built. Yes, things have changed and households often require two incomes, but the fundamental things that make a man feel like a man have NOT. Being in an "upside down" marriage myself, I know that it causes conflict. It blurs lines and complicates things. Ha ha ha, maybe I should save this for the counselor! Seriously though, it's not just my marriage that I know with this issue. I think the OP knows what she can handle and apparently the burden of being the breadwinner is not one of those things.

Really. REALLY???? Oh, puhleeze......I'm in a seriously 'upside down' marriage, and guess what? We're happy with it....he stays home a lot to care for his children; I make more than he does, and he isn't diminished as a man, even though his chore is dishes.......we are NOT in the 19th century anymore folks, and we are supposed to be smart enough to evolve as our world evolves.... :uhoh3:

To OP: Growing up means making hard choices. Getting pre-requisites done at any college is NOT a waste of time or money. If you choose classes wisely, credits will transfer once he decides what he wants to do. If he truly loves you, he will support your goals and ambitions. But if he has no goals, and isn't interested in finding any, it's time for him to grow up or lose you. You don't need to be married to a child. You need a man, and if he can't be that, sad as it may be, it's time to cut lose.

CuriousMe · Jan 13, 2011

I respectfully disagree with you AirforceRN. Men were designed to be providers. That's how the first man was built and that's how the last man will be built. Yes, things have changed and households often require two incomes, but the fundamental things that make a man feel like a man have NOT. Being in an "upside down" marriage myself, I know that it causes conflict. It blurs lines and complicates things. Ha ha ha, maybe I should save this for the counselor! Seriously though, it's not just my marriage that I know with this issue. I think the OP knows what she can handle and apparently the burden of being the breadwinner is not one of those things.
My advice to OP is to get your school on!! Either he will step up to the plate and show you he can be what you need & want him to be OR ...he can go kick rocks LOL:twocents:. Kudos to you for knowing what you want and don't want for both yourself and your future life partner at such an early age. Stay true to yourself and DO NOT compromise!

That's a lovely Ozzie & Harriet kind of thought....and it worked well when gender roles were well defined....the husband went out in to the world to earn a living while the wife stayed home and took care of the house and kids.

If we move from that lovely Ozzie & Harriet picture to today, where the overwhelming trend is that both partners work full time....if the husband is still expected to be "the provider"....does that mean that the wife works full time and is still solely responsible for the house and kids? Is it the wife's responsibility to still have a hot dinner on the table every night when the husband comes home? How, if they're both coming home from work? If not, how fair is it to require the old standard on men, but not women?

The point is, that men being "the provider" is an archaic, and unreasonable model in today's society for the majority of couples.

Now, to the OP....the problem I see from your post is not your boyfriend's earning potential....it's a mismatch of ambition. It appears from your post that you are crafting and creating the kind of life you want to have....while he is letting life happen to him. That is what will make your relationship unworkable as you go forward. Don't let him deter you from what you're crafting of your life.

This doesn't mean he has to instantly have a plan....but he should at least have a full time job. He should be doing something with his life....even if it's what he's doing "for now." Because it's unlikely opportunity will find him sitting on the couch in his living room....he needs to get out and be doing things for opportunity's to present themselves.

Lennonninja, MSN, APRN, NP · Jan 13, 2011

You need to be able to take care of YOURSELF. Relationships don't always last forever, and if you end up alone, you need to be able to provide for yourself and kids if you have them. My mom didn't work when I was little, and when my parents divorced she could only get minimum wage jobs since she never went to college. She struggled and we struggled as a family because of it. She finally started college in her mid 40s with three kids at home and is still struggling because she did not have a career, just jobs.

I hope things work out for you guys, but you need to be prepared in case something does happen (divorce, car accident, whatever) so that you won't struggle more than necessary.

I'm only working part time while in nursing school and it's been very psychologically difficult on me knowing that if something happened to my husband, that I couldn't pay all of the bills on my own right now. I worked full time while he was part time and in school, and now the situation is reversed.

Nursing school is a lot of work, but if it's really what you want to do, don't let anyone hold you back!

steelydanfan · Jan 15, 2011

I am only 19 and I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We have been going out since high school and he has a basic part time job. He hasnt decided to go to college yet because he is unsure of what he wants to do with his life so he does not want to waste money on it.
Me on the other hand has been into the medical field and always knew what i wanted to do once I got out of high school which is to become a nurse. I have my CNA right now and got the opportunity to work at one of the best hospitals in the state. It is very difficult and I have alot to learn since the CNA class I took was geared toward LTC facilities so there is alot of new stuff to learn. I am overwhelmed because I want to do well and I know that it takes time and practice. I feel very privileged to be able to work in a hospital because not many young people get the chance to because of "lack of maturity or experience". So I really want to do my best because I want to go to nursing school and become an RN in the facility and they promote within so I could do many things after I am through with my nursing days.
My dilemma is I love my boyfriend so much and we have been through alot and he is always there to support me. We talk about ourselves getting married and growing old together but I fear that he will not be as successful as I plan to be because he does not have any goals for himself. I want a man who has a good career and knows where he is going in life and will be able to support me and my family. I dont want to be the one making the most money in the household because that is a man's position. He does support my position Im in and is scared I will leave him because he wont be as successful. He consumes my thoughts and it is so hard to focus on the life around me and that scares me. Instead of studying my skills I rather spend time with him and I know that is the wrong way to go. Everyone keeps telling me he will stay if he truly loves me and that you need to focus on yourself to the best of your ability to become one of the big dogs. My parents continuously tell me to stay home and study but i just ignore them because I want to go out and be a kid as well.
Does anyone have some advice for me?? I am young and feel like I am making stupid choices and the sad part is I know Im making stupid choices but i just cant stop it.

Ok, this is really not about nursing at all. It is about your inability to decide between continuing to be a "kid" , or growing up and and how you see yourself in that role. Not a topic for this forum. I would suggest a professional counselor.

pink4 · Jan 16, 2011

Good luck =)

pink4 · Jan 16, 2011

It is kind of sad that you find security in your man making more money than you. I thought we were all equals... at least that is what people keep saying.

LOL!! Did you not read I said EVEN MORE SECURITY??? I am secure in and can support myself! Im just saying I also, like the OP, like a traditional relationship where the man is supposed to be the main bread winner! What IS sad when women cant be happy for each other when they have a very hard working spouse and can support their family 100%, and applaud other women for wanting the same!!! Now is it bad to be in an 'upside down' marraige?? I dont think so... but is it nice to know that whether or not you work the bills will still get paid and lead a comfy lifestyle because you have a hard working spouse, absolutely! It seems the OP just wants a responsible hard working partner like herself, and any nurse(present or future) deserves it!

ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP · Jan 16, 2011

I am going to say something you do NOT want to hear:

Most relationships at our age (I'm 19 as well) don't last. Probably 90%. I see alot of myself in you. I also have high standards and goals for myself. My ex-boyfriend, however, was much like yours. He didn't know what to do with his life, flunked out of Engineering school, and picked a cushy Business Degree (Human Resources). He didn't know what to do and had no focus. First he wanted a MBA, then he wanted to go to Law School, a PHD in Human Resources, etc. I, on the other hand, knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to go to Nursing school and eventually become a Neo-Natal Nurse Practitioner.

I knew I was going to be making more money. How? HR workers are the "fat" of companies, and companies want to keep themselves lean, keeping the meat (sales, advertisers and accountants) as firm and thick as possible. As a Nurse Practitioner, I would have made more than double his salary.

While in the hospital, I met a girl who was in Nursing school. She had dropped several boyfriends in favor of HER goals and dreams, which was to become a Nurse. She wasn't going to let a boy, let alone a clueless, unmotivated one, stand in the way of her goals and dreams.

My mother also chose her soon-to-be ex husband, my father, over her dreams to pursue a PHD. To this day, she regrets letting a man get in the way of her goals. And from your post, I can see that this boy is dragging you down...not keeping you up.

I'm not going to tell you whether or not you should keep him in the picture, but I'd keep those goals and dreams your top priority. And if he gets in the way of studying and reaching those goals, you might want to reevaluate this relationship.

Wanna_BA_Nurse · Jan 18, 2011

LOL!! Did you not read I said EVEN MORE SECURITY??? I am secure in and can support myself! Im just saying I also, like the OP, like a traditional relationship where the man is supposed to be the main bread winner! What IS sad when women cant be happy for each other when they have a very hard working spouse and can support their family 100%, and applaud other women for wanting the same!!! Now is it bad to be in an 'upside down' marraige?? I dont think so... but is it nice to know that whether or not you work the bills will still get paid and lead a comfy lifestyle because you have a hard working spouse, absolutely! It seems the OP just wants a responsible hard working partner like herself, and any nurse(present or future) deserves it!

1: I don't find anything funny here...

2: For all I know you could (and would) have just edited that post.

3:

What IS sad when women cant be happy for each other when they have a very hard working spouse and can support their family 100%, and applaud other women for wanting the same!!!

I don't even know where that came from as the OP does not have a "very hard working spouse".

4: Your run-on sentences confuse me as to what you are trying to make a point of.

However, I can agree with the very last statement you made. She does deserve to get a hard-working partner as do you and I. However, all I meant by my most original post is that it shouldn't matter whether or not he makes more than her as long as he is working at all and/or contributing positively to their relationship which, clearly, he isn't.

CuriousMe · Jan 18, 2011

LOL!! Did you not read I said EVEN MORE SECURITY??? I am secure in and can support myself! Im just saying I also, like the OP, like a traditional relationship where the man is supposed to be the main bread winner! What IS sad when women cant be happy for each other when they have a very hard working spouse and can support their family 100%, and applaud other women for wanting the same!!! Now is it bad to be in an 'upside down' marraige?? I dont think so... but is it nice to know that whether or not you work the bills will still get paid and lead a comfy lifestyle because you have a hard working spouse, absolutely! It seems the OP just wants a responsible hard working partner like herself, and any nurse(present or future) deserves it!

I'll reiterate, if the man is supposed to be the main bread winner, are you going to work full time, and have dinner on the table each night? Or is it just the man who is supposed to live in the 1950's?

There's nothing wrong with having a partner who works hard, that's not what you said (there are plenty of folks who work hard and aren't wealthy...look around a bit). You said that you want to make sure they make enough money to keep you "comfy."

What is sad is someone who's looking for a partner with a primary qualification of making enough money so they don't have to work hard themselves.

I'm not sure of your use of emoticons...are you trying to make jokes?

pink4 · Jan 18, 2011

I'll reiterate, if the man is supposed to be the main bread winner, are you going to work full time, and have dinner on the table each night? Or is it just the man who is supposed to live in the 1950's?
There's nothing wrong with having a partner who works hard, that's not what you said (there are plenty of folks who work hard and aren't wealthy...look around a bit). You said that you want to make sure they make enough money to keep you "comfy."
What is sad is someone who's looking for a partner with a primary qualification of making enough money so they don't have to work hard themselves.
I'm not sure of your use of emoticons...are you trying to make jokes?

No jokes with the smileys... I'm just don't want to be sound so serious, since this is a forum to post different OPINIONS and lighten the mood that's all.. I nevr said the OPs man was a hard worker, and by comfy I meant having a little but more than paycheck to paycheck if you can..that's what I want for myself and I'm sure so does the rest of the world!. If we are in this field I would think that qualifies all of us as hard workers..but Just because someones husband/ boyfriend is in a great job.. I sont think its bad of his wife to be proud of it and want the same for everyone else whether I know them or not...I think it would be 50s like of the woman DIDN'T educate herself if she is in the position where she can go to school and nt advance her own career just to play housewife.. Not that theres anything wrong with that.. Again stating opinion.. I'm just saying to the original post MY OPINION is that the male figure should be the bread winner. That doesn't mean the women should be lazy.. I was posting as an agreement from another post... Sorry if I offended anyone

rockabye · Jan 18, 2011

The problem when someone says the male should be the "breadwinner" is that it implies men should be making more money than women in all heterosexual marriages. What if the man is happy working at what he does and the wife is making more money? If your opinion is he should be the breadwinner, do you force the man to either work over-time, get into management, or change careers? Should the woman take a lower-paying job or work less-time even if she enjoys her career? In my marriage, I am not as interested in who makes the most-money. Instead, I am more concerned about keeping our relationship strong and working together to keep and run a successful household.

pink4 · Jan 18, 2011

Well thankfully he himself pushes himself! I fo agree it's about the well being and not a competition of who makes more... At the present time with me doing pre reqs for nursing full time to go to nursing school right after.. I must say it's nice! But should all men be th ONLY money makers! No! If your in a relationship.. It's about being stable I think..