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having a boyfriend vs. nursing studies

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nursemike, ASN, RN

Specializes in Rodeo Nursing (Neuro). Has 12 years experience.

My first inclination is to join the chorus and say pursue your own goals. I think that's actually pretty good advice. But nursing school is going to require a lot of focus. I was more in your bf's shoes at your age--I was in school, but only because I thought I was supposed to be. Had no clear idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, was old enough to buy booze, and met several thousand girls who had no idea what a geek I was in high school. So, college was kind of a waste of time and money, albeit fun while it lasted.

Your post makes me wonder a little bit if you aren't in somewhat the same place. Are you going to be able to focus on school? Some marriages fail over nursing school. It takes almost all your time and energy. Pretty much everyone I've talked to seriously considered dropping out, at some point. I'm 85% sure that if you go to school, you'll reach a point where you have to choose between your relationship and finishing school. Your guy just doesn't sound like the type to hang out while you're busy doing homework, and there will be a ton of homework.

There's a case to be made for getting your butt to school right away. It sounds like you've got so momentum, and that's nothing to throw away lightly. There's also a case to be made for working a couple of years, developing some maturity and getting a real feel for hospital life. A couple of years as a CNA might be just the incentive you need to start a career in IT or long-haul trucking. Nursing has been a great career, for me, but there are aspects of it that seriously suck.

One thing I would seriously urge is not to get married and/or pregnant anytime soon. The harsh reality is, your first love is rarely the person you spend your life with, and even if you turn out to be one of the few, that level of commitment is going to severely limit your choices. And even if you were ready, your boyfriend isn't. He may never be, or he may just need a few years of growing up. In that respect, your going to school would give you both some time to see how things will work out. By the time you graduate, he might be ready to get serious about life, or you might be seeing someone who is.

Ah, youth! If you really think about it, there's a lot to be said for being old.

Nobody says you can't have a date on a Friday night once in awhile when you are going to school. It is not an all or nothing deal if you learn how to manage your time and your efforts. Your boyfriend does need some growing up time though. Maybe this will happen while you are busy in school. Good luck.

red2003xlt, LPN

Specializes in Addiction / Pain Management. Has 5 years experience.

I didn't read past about the fifth line, but the leech needs to get a full-time job if he's not going to school.

Yepper, I'm a 40 man who at one time was a 19 year old leach. I agree with getting a job; after you haul slabs of granite in 100 degree heat. It make college much more enjoyable.

I am only 19 and I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We have been going out since high school and he has a basic part time job. He hasnt decided to go to college yet because he is unsure of what he wants to do with his life so he does not want to waste money on it.

Me on the other hand has been into the medical field and always knew what i wanted to do once I got out of high school which is to become a nurse. I have my CNA right now and got the opportunity to work at one of the best hospitals in the state. It is very difficult and I have alot to learn since the CNA class I took was geared toward LTC facilities so there is alot of new stuff to learn. I am overwhelmed because I want to do well and I know that it takes time and practice. I feel very privileged to be able to work in a hospital because not many young people get the chance to because of "lack of maturity or experience". So I really want to do my best because I want to go to nursing school and become an RN in the facility and they promote within so I could do many things after I am through with my nursing days.

My dilemma is I love my boyfriend so much and we have been through alot and he is always there to support me. We talk about ourselves getting married and growing old together but I fear that he will not be as successful as I plan to be because he does not have any goals for himself. I want a man who has a good career and knows where he is going in life and will be able to support me and my family. I dont want to be the one making the most money in the household because that is a man's position. He does support my position Im in and is scared I will leave him because he wont be as successful. He consumes my thoughts and it is so hard to focus on the life around me and that scares me. Instead of studying my skills I rather spend time with him and I know that is the wrong way to go. Everyone keeps telling me he will stay if he truly loves me and that you need to focus on yourself to the best of your ability to become one of the big dogs. My parents continuously tell me to stay home and study but i just ignore them because I want to go out and be a kid as well.

Does anyone have some advice for me?? I am young and feel like I am making stupid choices and the sad part is I know Im making stupid choices but i just cant stop it.

This is not only incorrect, but insulting as well. Making the most money in a house hold is not a position, and it is not the job of one particular sex. It doesn't matter who makes the most money, as long as the household is being supported and everyone is happy and taken care of. Thats all that matters in that aspect. I can only speak from my personal experience but my husband is absolutely thrilled that Im going to nursing school and couldn't care less that I will most likely making the same or more money than him.

Ive learned the hard way that you cant revolve you life around a man. You just can't. You have to focus on making a life for your self and getting your own life together before you can worry about someone else. You're only 19. There will be plenty of time for boyfriends, getting married, going out, having fun, having kids, ect... Youre in school now. Focus on that. RN school is only 16-18 months. All that stuff will be there when you get done.

Its good that you want success for your boyfriend. Encourage him to enroll in some basic core classes and maybe sit down and brainstorm some career ideas that he might like to consider. No education is wasted education. Good luck, and be sure to pursue your own goals first

Butterfly0328

Specializes in future OB/L&D nurse(I hope) or hospice.

this is not only incorrect, but insulting as well. making the most money in a house hold is not a position, and it is not the job of one particular sex. it doesn't matter who makes the most money, as long as the household is being supported and everyone is happy and taken care of. thats all that matters in that aspect. i can only speak from my personal experience but my husband is absolutely thrilled that im going to nursing school and couldn't care less that i will most likely making the same or more money than him.

ive learned the hard way that you cant revolve you life around a man. you just can't. you have to focus on making a life for your self and getting your own life together before you can worry about someone else. you're only 19. there will be plenty of time for boyfriends, getting married, going out, having fun, having kids, ect... youre in school now. focus on that. rn school is only 16-18 months. all that stuff will be there when you get done.

its good that you want success for your boyfriend. encourage him to enroll in some basic core classes and maybe sit down and brainstorm some career ideas that he might like to consider. no education is wasted education. good luck, and be sure to pursue your own goals first

there is nothing at all wrong for the op to have this opinion. it is all a matter of upbringing and many times cultural/religion. you have your opinion and the op has hers, but to say it is wrong is wrong! i myself personally feel for myself that me and my partner are a team, but that is what works for me and my situation. just my :twocents:.

There is nothing at all wrong for the OP to have this opinion. It is all a matter of upbringing and many times cultural/religion. You have your opinion and the OP has hers, but to say it is wrong is wrong! I myself personally feel for myself that me and my partner are a team, but that is what works for me and my situation. Just my :twocents:.

I never said there was anything wrong w/ her opinion. But she didnt state an opinion. She didn't say "I think" or "to me" or "in my opinion". She generalized and said "it is" the mans position. She is fine in having her own opinion, but she is wrong to state what she thinks as fact

rockabye

Specializes in NICU.

I've been with my boyfriend (now husband) since I was 18. My boyfriend was very supportive of me and studying even though I didn't always get to go out with him because I was busy with my classes. My boyfriend didn't know what he wanted to be. His parents paid for his college and he didn't take his studies seriously, so he dropped out to take an entry-level job without a degree. I had the same feelings as you and imagined him being more successful than me. I was really disappointed in him after I graduated nursing school and broke up with him for a month because everyone told me he wasn't very successful and I deserved better. I was really sad without him because he was my best friend. Fortunately I called him back to get together again because I missed him so much. I decided not to care what others thought and would rather be happy than just be making lots of money. He eventually quit his dead-end job and started school again. He chose a major he wanted to do and not because he felt people were pushing him to it. He graduates this year and we are both very excited about it and he is already telling me plans to continue his education once he gets a job in his chosen field. I am glad I stuck with my husband because he was very supportive of me during my nursing school and now I am supportive of him while he is in school. He just took longer than me to figure out what career path he wanted. Plans don't always work out exactly like you want them to.

Edited by rockabye

Wanna_BA_Nurse

Specializes in Forensic/Psych/Surgical nurse.

Idk WANNA BA NURSE.. I personally like knowing that my man makes significantly more than I... Makes me feel even more secure.. Plus if I decide to pursue even more education, It's nice to know my income is not needed to maintain the household going.. That is a blessing Especially in this economy.. Plus my mom would kill me if she knew I was supporting a man!( she is super old school! Lol!) Like one poster said, men are designed to be providers..physically and anatomically..

It is kind of sad that you find security in your man making more money than you. I thought we were all equals... at least that is what people keep saying.

Edited by Wanna_BA_Nurse

It is kind of sad that you find security in your man making more money than you. I thought we were all equals... at least that is what people keep saying.

kudos x 10000000

OgopogoLPN, LPN, RN

Specializes in Med/Surg, LTC/Geriatric.

If you stay with your boyfriend for the next 50 years and DON'T persue nursing, you will likely grow to resent him for "holding you back". You will likely be angry at yourself at age 30 or so for not persuing your dreams when you were young and had the time and less commitments (marriage, kids, a mortgage etc).

If you don't stay with your boyfriend for much longer and DON't persue nursing, you will be kicking yourself all over town for staying out of nursing school to spend more time with him. You will. As much as you love him now, and maybe you will be together forever, people do SO MUCH growing and learning about themselves in their early 20's. I guarantee you will a different woman in 5 years. Nurse or no nurse.

Best of luck in your decision.

Fngrpntsnotasin

Specializes in Geriatrics, Home Health.

"I want a man who has a good career and knows where he is going in life and will be able to support me and my family."

Sounds nice but you should not depend on someone else to take care of you. Make sure you are prepared to take care of yourself.

BabyLady, BSN, RN

Specializes in NICU, Post-partum.

I am only 19 and I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We have been going out since high school and he has a basic part time job. He hasnt decided to go to college yet because he is unsure of what he wants to do with his life so he does not want to waste money on it.

Me on the other hand has been into the medical field and always knew what i wanted to do once I got out of high school which is to become a nurse. I have my CNA right now and got the opportunity to work at one of the best hospitals in the state. It is very difficult and I have alot to learn since the CNA class I took was geared toward LTC facilities so there is alot of new stuff to learn. I am overwhelmed because I want to do well and I know that it takes time and practice. I feel very privileged to be able to work in a hospital because not many young people get the chance to because of "lack of maturity or experience". So I really want to do my best because I want to go to nursing school and become an RN in the facility and they promote within so I could do many things after I am through with my nursing days.

My dilemma is I love my boyfriend so much and we have been through alot and he is always there to support me. We talk about ourselves getting married and growing old together but I fear that he will not be as successful as I plan to be because he does not have any goals for himself. I want a man who has a good career and knows where he is going in life and will be able to support me and my family. I dont want to be the one making the most money in the household because that is a man's position. He does support my position Im in and is scared I will leave him because he wont be as successful. He consumes my thoughts and it is so hard to focus on the life around me and that scares me. Instead of studying my skills I rather spend time with him and I know that is the wrong way to go. Everyone keeps telling me he will stay if he truly loves me and that you need to focus on yourself to the best of your ability to become one of the big dogs. My parents continuously tell me to stay home and study but i just ignore them because I want to go out and be a kid as well.

Does anyone have some advice for me?? I am young and feel like I am making stupid choices and the sad part is I know Im making stupid choices but i just cant stop it.

My advice:

1. If you have to choose between schoolwork and the boyfriend, choose schoolwork...never let any boyfriend dictate how you spend your time academically. Nursing school is HARD!!! It takes up a ton of time...and he is going to be jealous of that time...but I cannot tell you how many classmates that I had that failed out of the program, because they put their boyfriend first.

2. At 19, he needs to be going to college (if he has ANY ambition at all) and taking prerequisites until he decides on a major...right now, he isn't wasting money, but his time. That is why most schools allow you to wait two years before declaring a major, b/c those classes can help guide you in a direction.

3. You have a good, gut instinct...listen to it.

I respectfully disagree with you AirforceRN. Men were designed to be providers. That's how the first man was built and that's how the last man will be built. Yes, things have changed and households often require two incomes, but the fundamental things that make a man feel like a man have NOT. Being in an "upside down" marriage myself, I know that it causes conflict. It blurs lines and complicates things. Ha ha ha, maybe I should save this for the counselor! Seriously though, it's not just my marriage that I know with this issue. I think the OP knows what she can handle and apparently the burden of being the breadwinner is not one of those things.

Really. REALLY???? Oh, puhleeze......I'm in a seriously 'upside down' marriage, and guess what? We're happy with it....he stays home a lot to care for his children; I make more than he does, and he isn't diminished as a man, even though his chore is dishes.......we are NOT in the 19th century anymore folks, and we are supposed to be smart enough to evolve as our world evolves....:uhoh3:

To OP: Growing up means making hard choices. Getting pre-requisites done at any college is NOT a waste of time or money. If you choose classes wisely, credits will transfer once he decides what he wants to do. If he truly loves you, he will support your goals and ambitions. But if he has no goals, and isn't interested in finding any, it's time for him to grow up or lose you. You don't need to be married to a child. You need a man, and if he can't be that, sad as it may be, it's time to cut lose.

I respectfully disagree with you AirforceRN. Men were designed to be providers. That's how the first man was built and that's how the last man will be built. Yes, things have changed and households often require two incomes, but the fundamental things that make a man feel like a man have NOT. Being in an "upside down" marriage myself, I know that it causes conflict. It blurs lines and complicates things. Ha ha ha, maybe I should save this for the counselor! Seriously though, it's not just my marriage that I know with this issue. I think the OP knows what she can handle and apparently the burden of being the breadwinner is not one of those things.

My advice to OP is to get your school on!!:D Either he will step up to the plate and show you he can be what you need & want him to be OR ...he can go kick rocks LOL:twocents:. Kudos to you for knowing what you want and don't want for both yourself and your future life partner at such an early age. Stay true to yourself and DO NOT compromise!

That's a lovely Ozzie & Harriet kind of thought....and it worked well when gender roles were well defined....the husband went out in to the world to earn a living while the wife stayed home and took care of the house and kids.

If we move from that lovely Ozzie & Harriet picture to today, where the overwhelming trend is that both partners work full time....if the husband is still expected to be "the provider"....does that mean that the wife works full time and is still solely responsible for the house and kids? Is it the wife's responsibility to still have a hot dinner on the table every night when the husband comes home? How, if they're both coming home from work? If not, how fair is it to require the old standard on men, but not women?

The point is, that men being "the provider" is an archaic, and unreasonable model in today's society for the majority of couples.

Now, to the OP....the problem I see from your post is not your boyfriend's earning potential....it's a mismatch of ambition. It appears from your post that you are crafting and creating the kind of life you want to have....while he is letting life happen to him. That is what will make your relationship unworkable as you go forward. Don't let him deter you from what you're crafting of your life.

This doesn't mean he has to instantly have a plan....but he should at least have a full time job. He should be doing something with his life....even if it's what he's doing "for now." Because it's unlikely opportunity will find him sitting on the couch in his living room....he needs to get out and be doing things for opportunity's to present themselves.

Edited by CuriousMe

Lennonninja, MSN, APRN, NP

Specializes in MICU - CCRN, IR, Vascular Surgery. Has 9 years experience.

You need to be able to take care of YOURSELF. Relationships don't always last forever, and if you end up alone, you need to be able to provide for yourself and kids if you have them. My mom didn't work when I was little, and when my parents divorced she could only get minimum wage jobs since she never went to college. She struggled and we struggled as a family because of it. She finally started college in her mid 40s with three kids at home and is still struggling because she did not have a career, just jobs.

I hope things work out for you guys, but you need to be prepared in case something does happen (divorce, car accident, whatever) so that you won't struggle more than necessary.

I'm only working part time while in nursing school and it's been very psychologically difficult on me knowing that if something happened to my husband, that I couldn't pay all of the bills on my own right now. I worked full time while he was part time and in school, and now the situation is reversed.

Nursing school is a lot of work, but if it's really what you want to do, don't let anyone hold you back!

I am only 19 and I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We have been going out since high school and he has a basic part time job. He hasnt decided to go to college yet because he is unsure of what he wants to do with his life so he does not want to waste money on it.

Me on the other hand has been into the medical field and always knew what i wanted to do once I got out of high school which is to become a nurse. I have my CNA right now and got the opportunity to work at one of the best hospitals in the state. It is very difficult and I have alot to learn since the CNA class I took was geared toward LTC facilities so there is alot of new stuff to learn. I am overwhelmed because I want to do well and I know that it takes time and practice. I feel very privileged to be able to work in a hospital because not many young people get the chance to because of "lack of maturity or experience". So I really want to do my best because I want to go to nursing school and become an RN in the facility and they promote within so I could do many things after I am through with my nursing days.

My dilemma is I love my boyfriend so much and we have been through alot and he is always there to support me. We talk about ourselves getting married and growing old together but I fear that he will not be as successful as I plan to be because he does not have any goals for himself. I want a man who has a good career and knows where he is going in life and will be able to support me and my family. I dont want to be the one making the most money in the household because that is a man's position. He does support my position Im in and is scared I will leave him because he wont be as successful. He consumes my thoughts and it is so hard to focus on the life around me and that scares me. Instead of studying my skills I rather spend time with him and I know that is the wrong way to go. Everyone keeps telling me he will stay if he truly loves me and that you need to focus on yourself to the best of your ability to become one of the big dogs. My parents continuously tell me to stay home and study but i just ignore them because I want to go out and be a kid as well.

Does anyone have some advice for me?? I am young and feel like I am making stupid choices and the sad part is I know Im making stupid choices but i just cant stop it.

Ok, this is really not about nursing at all. It is about your inability to decide between continuing to be a "kid" , or growing up and and how you see yourself in that role. Not a topic for this forum. I would suggest a professional counselor.

Good luck =)

It is kind of sad that you find security in your man making more money than you. I thought we were all equals... at least that is what people keep saying.

LOL!! Did you not read I said EVEN MORE SECURITY??? :D I am secure in and can support myself! Im just saying I also, like the OP, like a traditional relationship where the man is supposed to be the main bread winner! What IS sad when women cant be happy for each other when they have a very hard working spouse and can support their family 100%, and applaud other women for wanting the same!!! Now is it bad to be in an 'upside down' marraige?? I dont think so... but is it nice to know that whether or not you work the bills will still get paid and lead a comfy lifestyle because you have a hard working spouse, absolutely! It seems the OP just wants a responsible hard working partner like herself, and any nurse(present or future) deserves it! ;)