having a boyfriend vs. nursing studies

Nurses General Nursing

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I am only 19 and I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We have been going out since high school and he has a basic part time job. He hasnt decided to go to college yet because he is unsure of what he wants to do with his life so he does not want to waste money on it.

Me on the other hand has been into the medical field and always knew what i wanted to do once I got out of high school which is to become a nurse. I have my CNA right now and got the opportunity to work at one of the best hospitals in the state. It is very difficult and I have alot to learn since the CNA class I took was geared toward LTC facilities so there is alot of new stuff to learn. I am overwhelmed because I want to do well and I know that it takes time and practice. I feel very privileged to be able to work in a hospital because not many young people get the chance to because of "lack of maturity or experience". So I really want to do my best because I want to go to nursing school and become an RN in the facility and they promote within so I could do many things after I am through with my nursing days.

My dilemma is I love my boyfriend so much and we have been through alot and he is always there to support me. We talk about ourselves getting married and growing old together but I fear that he will not be as successful as I plan to be because he does not have any goals for himself. I want a man who has a good career and knows where he is going in life and will be able to support me and my family. I dont want to be the one making the most money in the household because that is a man's position. He does support my position Im in and is scared I will leave him because he wont be as successful. He consumes my thoughts and it is so hard to focus on the life around me and that scares me. Instead of studying my skills I rather spend time with him and I know that is the wrong way to go. Everyone keeps telling me he will stay if he truly loves me and that you need to focus on yourself to the best of your ability to become one of the big dogs. My parents continuously tell me to stay home and study but i just ignore them because I want to go out and be a kid as well.

Does anyone have some advice for me?? I am young and feel like I am making stupid choices and the sad part is I know Im making stupid choices but i just cant stop it.

Specializes in future OB/L&D nurse(I hope) or hospice.

OP: You have already received so much good advice, but I have some I would also like to give. I also got cought up in a guy and I actually married at 18. Had my first kid at 21 and my second at 22. I was divorced by the time my 2nd child was a year old.

Fast forward 18 years, I am now 41 and just finishing my pre-reqs. I have stuggled for years and years to just keep from going homeless. My point it this: get your education NOW!! Before you get pregnant, not that you can't go to school with a child but it is so much harder and many do not end up going. As far as your boyfriend goes, he is pretty much just acting like a typical 19 year old. They mature much later than females do, but just like someone else said , there is no reason he could not start college and just take the general classes required for any path he may choose later. If he is truly in it for the long haul with you, he will support you and could even help you out with your studies. Making time for a social life, from what I hear, once in nursing school will pretty much be taking a back burner. But, since you must study you could try to incorporate him as your "anatomical model" when learning Anatomy and Physiology, for example. It sounds like you know what you want, but this love thing just keeps getting in the way.LOL Nursing school is just so important and even though it seems like it will take forever, it's only going to be a few years compared to the rest of your life. If I were you I would continue with your plans for nursing school, let your boyfriend know just how much time you will need to study and based on his reaction you will need to either decide it he is going to help you or hinder you, but don't let this relationship put up a wall in which you can't get past to achieve your dreams.

Good luck, and one last bit of advice....listen your mother, they are most of the time right and she only has your best interest at heart. Don't let this situation cause yours and your moms relationship to go south. Cherish the time with her because one day she will not be here. My mother is currently in hospice and dying of cancer, which has already moved to the brain. I can no longer call my mom and ask for advice, she is child like now. I know very soon I will be attending her funeral. How I wish I could just talk to her again. Family is forever, boyfriends come and go-at least most of the time. God Bless..:redpinkhe

I am in the same situation to an extent my boyfriend keeps switching between what he wants to do in the future. I sat down with him and made a list of all the things he wanted to do, how much schooling would cost and how long it would take, also I wrote down the salaries. We crossed the ones out he was most likely not to do and we came up with a conclusion he wants to go to school for game design. He loves computer games and I think he would be more willing to do this then other careers he would most likely do bad in school because he is not interested in them. So (its just a suggestion) you sit down with you boyfriend and make a list of careers he is interested in with salary, how much schooling and cost it would be and try decide what path is best for him. I love my boyfriend and spend most of my time with him but I know that Sometimes I have to be a little selfish and put myself first.

You can't make a person use their potential or see things the way you see them. You just can't. It won't happen. I had to learn that the hard way, and I doubt there's any way I would have learned it otherwise. I was too much of an idealist and a dreamer when I was 19 :). Now I'm a realist, and I understand that people don't change. They can, sure, but you're not going to make it happen. I am committed now to being with someone I really match well with, and whatever faults they have, I believe I just have to be okay with those. There are some faults in others that we can put up with as individuals and it doesn't matter much to us - but there are other faults that some people have, or maybe not even faults, but just character traits, that if we live with long enough will come to dominate us and steal our joy and what makes us "us." For me, diligence and work ethic are a huge deal - even if a guy doesn't make a ton of money, I will respect him, admire him and be immensely attracted to him if I see him truly dedicated to working hard to provide.

So, no one here can make your decision for you, but I will say just remember that YOU come first. You must honestly assess your personality and what you want in life, without any other person in mind. You are the one living your life and you deserve to be able to make it what you want it.

Oh, and believe me, there are PLENTY of fish in the sea! There is a quote I heard once about fish in fact...something like, God, please help me to catch a fish so big that when I tell the story of it I don't even have to lie. That's what I want in my future husband - a fish so big and great that I don't have to make excuses for or lie about - he stands on his own and speaks for himself and I can just stand by and admire. :)

One more thing...don't let the "you're sexist" sentiment get to you. Believing that the man should be the breadwinner is neither right nor wrong - it's simply what you believe and are wired/conditioned to expect. I am the same way. Others may not be, so being in a relationship where the woman is the breadwinner would be fine with them. The point is not whether it's okay with anyone else but whether it's okay with you - so keep in mind who you are and don't live life the way someone else would just because society says it's how you should live. There are lots of ways to make "things" work - but we each will thrive under conditions suited to our own individual personalities.

Truly that goes for everything in life - there are very few true moral right/wrong issues; the majority are mere preferences and we should not confuse those if we want to be happy in life.

It's not always easy to find a full-time job. I know someone who's been looking for two years. And the only people I know who have full-time jobs (that recently got them as young, just out of highschool) are working for their families.

I didn't say it'd be a good one! There's always the multiple part-time jobs option too.

The amount of projection in this thread is staggering.

I'm not going to touch on the gender issues, though I have strong opinions on them. I will give a piece of practical advice totally free of emotion. Focus on school. The reason I say this is that, statistically, no matter if you are both on the same page and everything seems perfectly laid out to succeed, relationships of people at your age lasting is extremely rare. This isn't a good or bad thing, just the truth. This shouldn't mean not to have a relationship either, as relationships are important and help us grow as people, but, at this point in your life, understanding this reality can help you set your priorities appropriately. Good luck.

The amount of projection in this thread is staggering.

I was thinking the same thing. And they are all so young to really know about love and committment......

Bold advise here, put your education first. Nursing schools has lots

of demands and to be a free agent (single) can be an advantage.

If he truly loves you, he will be a man, decide what career choice

he needs to be a responsible father and husband. If he is stuck in

the neutral drive, he is not the right candidate.

So be bold, be independent get your nursing education and

the relationship issues will sort itself out.

my fiance' owns his own business, a very small business, but it brings him great pride and a sense of happiness. he truly loves what he does for a career.

my eventual goal is to be an fnp. there may come a time when my income potential exceeds his income potential, since his income is based on business. his business is doing well now, and has for 15 years, but we always think ahead.

i am okay with making more than my husband, but i believe deep down he really wants to be that one making loads of money. he has a strong sense that a man should care for a woman. his father left when he was 12, so i believe watching his mother really push through and struggle influences his desire to care for women.

i believe that rather than focusing on $$ amount it is ideal to focus on goals, and being a productive member of society.

if a man is a burger king gm, happy, contributes to the household, etc, then i am okay with that. not everyone is able to work at a job with incomes in excess of 80-100k+, but if they strive to reach their max potential then that is all i ask.

ultimately, i believe your b/f should have goals, aspirations, dreams, and ideas regarding how he can be a vital contributor $$ to the relationship. if this means being a bk manager so be it, but something, *anything* which shows he has a passion to contribute to "us".

as a side note, my uncle is a bk gm, he makes 75k a year and receives free insurance for his entire family!! not too shabby. oh, and a 2 week vacation to hawaii every year.. can i get that benefit too?!

i am becoming rambly.. my point is that while your income could exceed that of your potential husband, what really matters is that he is driven and contributes to the stability of the relationship. this is what i value, and i have been with my fiance' for 7 years. we are getting married september 12th! :)

Specializes in Health Information Management.

At your age, I strongly urge you to stay in school and focus primarily on yourself and your own needs. You and your boyfriend seem to have differing needs and goals for the future. You clearly value this relationship, so it sounds as though it's time for a clear, open talk between the two of you. I suggest you make sure you have your personal goals and your goals/expectations for him and the two of you as a couple well-organized in your mind before you start. If it helps, write out everything so you have your thoughts at hand. Then the two of you can then work towards outlining a common set of goals and a plan for reaching them. If your boyfriend truly loves you and values your relationship as deeply as you do, he'll stay with you and take the steps necessary to accomplish the goals you two set. If not, it's better that you find out now how shallow his feelings about the relationship really are.

As for your mindset on roles within the relationship: I don't happen to agree with your outlook, but it's your life to live. However, have you ever asked yourself why you believe it's the "man's role" to provide for the couple/family, or to at least have the upper hand in doing so? Is it something you've internalized from your parents' relationship and/or the exhortations of religious leaders from your church? Or is it something you not only believe but have actually evaluated on its merits?

My husband and I long ago reached an agreement that we were in a partnership and it didn't matter which of us made more money. We've each taken turns as the primary provider in the seven years we've been together. At the moment, he's bringing home the sole income while I'm in school. After a year or two in the field, I'll probably make more than he does. But it doesn't matter because we're in it together. We've already settled on how we'll handle conflicting career advancement matters, and neither of us has an issue with a female making more than a male.

Now, that doesn't have to be the attitude you take. Many people prefer traditional roles; others take pleasure in deliberately breaking the traditional-role mold. What's important is to know WHY you believe what you believe and to come to terms with the advantages and disadvantages of your preferred gender role arrangement. While you're evaluating your relationship and personal/professional goals, it might be a good time to also evaluate your perspective on gender roles within relationships (if you haven't already done so).

You have my best wishes for a successful and happy future!

OP,

Just keep on with your plans. Don't take on too much future worries right now.

You say you are concerned about the part of not being able to go out all the time anymore. You guys are young so I can see how this issue might boil up. Sit him down really soon and tell him you have to cut back on going out, that you need time to study and practice to get things right for work, that you are nervous about all of it and want to be sure you do well. If he balks, just remind him that when he decides to start school, he'll be sitting you down and telling you the same thing. See if the two of you can figure out quality time together, maybe not so much clubbing if that is what you used to do.

Specializes in NICU.
One more thing...don't let the "you're sexist" sentiment get to you. Believing that the man should be the breadwinner is neither right nor wrong - it's simply what you believe and are wired/conditioned to expect. I am the same way. Others may not be, so being in a relationship where the woman is the breadwinner would be fine with them. The point is not whether it's okay with anyone else but whether it's okay with you - so keep in mind who you are and don't live life the way someone else would just because society says it's how you should live. There are lots of ways to make "things" work - but we each will thrive under conditions suited to our own individual personalities.

Truly that goes for everything in life - there are very few true moral right/wrong issues; the majority are mere preferences and we should not confuse those if we want to be happy in life.

It is definitely true that it's not a wrong perception to personally have, but it IS wrong to project that onto other people and society in general. We are all allowed to have our own opinions, how ever much we disagree.

But I think that this particular mode of thinking is seriously selling herself short. What if there is a fantastic guy out there waiting for her, working hard, doing his dream, making a little bit of money, but not quite as much as she does? Does the OP actually dismiss him? If she does, she probably didn't deserve him anyway, but it's still very sad to me that she would potentially do something like that. And to be honest--a little "princessy" to demand that the guy makes more than $60k off the bat.

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