My best friend of 10 years is having a difficult time in school where she was put on academic probation twice and received a 1.9 for her first semester of college and a 2.0 for her second semester (she believes she has ADD). So she is taking classes this summer to get back caught up with school in general.
However, she is failing her Bio 101 class and expexts me to help get her an A overnight because she thinks I know everything and don't need to study to get an A in any class I take. Yet, we are taking two different classes as I'm taking Microbiology and never once took Bio 101 as a college course.
So I wouldn't even know where to begin to help her study as I don't have a clue what she's learning. And yet she tries to make me drop everything I'm doing (my own studying time included) to come help her study.
For instance, like today she called me up telling me to come over and help her study for finals because she is not understanding the material and I told her I can't because I just got off of work and needed to study for my own finals. Then she blatantly said that I'm going to pull an A regardless since nursing is an easy major to have and get into unlike her major (physical therapy) which is harder and requires better grades. (Though I don't fault her for saying this since she doesn't know much about nursing at all).
Or when I told her that I'm meeting up with a study group from my class tomorrow for finals she got mad at me and claimed that I didn't care about her struggles and I should help her. Even though I did show and tell her how to study smartly but she completely disregarded it and wants me to give her answers and explain her class material to her that I refused to do. (And even as I type this she is texting me to forgo my study group tomorrow to come help her).
And now my friends and family are telling me that I'm wrong and act like I can't help a friend out in her time of need and I should be ashamed of myself.
At first I thought I was not in the wrong to refuse to help my friend but after being told that I do feel a little bit guilty for not doing all I can to help her and want advice from you guys on how I should've have went about the situation.
If you just got through all of this thank you for reading this long post as it was a struggle to type.
No, you are not a bad friend. This is going to sound harsh, but academic probation twice is indicative of a pattern.
You have your own obligations - studying and work. Is she going to pay your bills for you? No.
You can help her study in advance and adhering to a schedule that works for YOU. You do not drop everything. Are you working as a paid tutor for her?
The best way to be a friend is to continue to be a friend, and do not allow her school emergencies to be criteria for "earning" her friendship. Do not listen to others who try to guilt you. You are not responsible for "rescuing" her or her school achievements.
She expects you to tutor her during finals week, and thinks she can pass? can you spell delusional? Asking you to learn her material for a class you aren't/haven't taken is ridiculous, especially on a day you have a final of your own. As nurses, we HAVE to learn to say no, politely, firmly, definitively. Now is as good a time to start as any.
"I've tried to show you my study habits, since that isn't how you want to learn, I can't help you any more than that. I'm not taking this class, so I can't help you with material I haven't studied." and if that doesn't do it: "NO, I DO NOT Have time to take your class for you."
Thank you this is something I need to do as I'm a bit of a push over. So hopefully she will get the message and not take it to heart.
She doesn't sound like she's being much of a friend...she sounds like a leech.
Seriously, she is showing no concern for you, has high expectations for/entitlement to your time, but no gratitude for it. That is not the behavior of a friend.
The school probably has a tutoring center. I'd find the number and give it to her.
She doesn't sound like she's being much of a friend...she sounds like a leech.
Seriously, she is showing no concern for you, has high expectations for/entitlement to your time, but no gratitude for it. That is not the behavior of a friend.
The school probably has a tutoring center. I'd find the number and give it to her.
Yeah I asked her why she didn't talk to her prof about not understanding the material and she said she didn't know. And that kind of angered me because I feel like she has all of these resources to get help (such as a weekly tutor for free at the university) and yet she doesn't utilize this because she "works too much and doesn't have time".
But her not taking the free help is affecting me in my studies; something she's not understanding is that I'm not genius and I need to study just as hard as anyone else to achieve an A in a class.
I was going to guess that you are very young, and then saw in your tag line that you're 18. This isn't high school anymore. We're talking about your future CAREER here. You need to worry about YOU and if your friend can't understand that, then she's no friend. This is a great time to grow a spine and just tell her that you have to focus on your studies and don't really have the time to help her with hers. If she feels she has ADD, she needs to take it upon herself to be evaluated. Do not let her guilt you into doing for her what she needs to do for herself
She seems to be in denial of her chances of getting into a very competitive doctorate program and passing.
I don't know how helping her understand her material will hurt you, as long as you're only using your free/friend time to do it. Biology doesn't really contradict itself, it might even help you further understand the concepts in your micro class.
First, neither of you are in any programs yet. It sounds like if she can't pass basic bio, she's not getting into a PT program. My sister is a PT and it is a doctoral program that you need the grades to get into. She has a few years before getting accepted and she needs to clean up her act now. It won't matter which program is harder if you can't get in the actual program.
I agree that this isn't high school anymore and you need to be responsible for yourself only. The thing is, even if this is the way the friendship has always been, you have allowed it. You have apparently tolerated and had this friendship for a very long time. Your family must know her and like her. There is something else going on here. Like, now your both in college and you want to spread your wings a bit. She still wants your friendship. You are trying to leave it. This seems like an excuse on your part as well.
OP, you are young. You can go and spread your wings and make new friends while keeping your old friends. Those old friendships are going to be precious years down the road. My best friend from high school and I are still best friends. We live in different states now and don't see each other much, but we keep up and talk all the time. She's my best friend no matter what. We have kids the same age and we relate like nobody else. That doesn't mean I don't have a best friend out here. My best friend here is my rock. She's been with me through major life events. My divorce, my health problems, her cancer, her moms death a couple years ago. The two friendships are different but they are both my besties.
Specializes in Early Intervention, Nsg. Education.
I was going to guess that you are very young, and then saw in your tag line that you're 18. This isn't high school anymore. We're talking about your future CAREER here. You need to worry about YOU and if your friend can't understand that, then she's no friend. This is a great time to grow a spine and just tell her that you have to focus on your studies and don't really have the time to help her with hers. If she feels she has ADD, she needs to take it upon herself to be evaluated. Do not let her guilt you into doing for her what she needs to do for herself
This. I agree 100%.
As for your family members who are giving you a hard time for "not helping her in her time of need," her time of need was the first day of class! She had several options available to her, but she *chose* not to pursue them.
This is not her time of need. It is her time of desperation. A couple tutoring sessions will not radically change the trajectory that SHE established, all by herself, on the first day of class.
I agree with the majority of replies on your post. I had a friend like that. It is natural to feel bad because she is your friend, but you are not wrong in this case. I agree that you have to set boundaries. Let her know that you are also in school and have to study also.
Also, let her know that she should reach out to her professor or classmates because you do not know the material she is studying. You probably would be doing a disservice to her because you are not familiar with the subject.
Lastly, you are not obligated to anyone. Obviously your friend understands that concept. Your are a student and in order to be successful you need to prioritize. Helping your friend to study during finals week is not one of one of priorities. Be very careful with this friend and good luck on your exams.
I did PT before nursing. Graduated with 4.0 gpa. Graduated from nursing with 3.8. They are both very challenging programs and it is sad that she apparently has no respect for what your program entails. Did you help her get through high school?
You are both very young and as you both mature you may decide that being a close friend of hers is not worth it, esp if the relationship is all about meeting her needs and not considering yours.
That, is NOT a friend. I think the easy answer is to get a new one. My friends who know I am in nursing school are understanding, even if they are in a completely different major (or not in school any more).
The hard answer is to set boundaries and take care of you first. If that upsets her and she can't deal with it, she was never really your friend to begin with.
I agree with everyone that has posted! Your 1st (& really only) responsibility is to yourself.
To alleviate your guilt- imagine the situation in reverse- if you were having difficulty with a class - during finals, no less- would she drop everything to come help you? Probably not.
It sounds like y'all have developed this pattern over years and it's time to break it before your work suffers. You need the best GPA you can get to be accepted into a nursing program & you'll be kicking yourself when time comes to apply if you let your grades slide now.
If you've given her tips on studying that she's not taken, that's on her. If there was help available to her earlier in semester she didn't make use of, that's on her. It sounds like she wants you to do it for her- not just help.
And be prepared, she will blame you if she makes bad grades/doesn't pass. If she's not taking responsibility for studying/learning material- then the result certainly can't be her fault, right?
And shame on your family for making you feel one ounce of guilt for taking care of your own future!! Are your parents helping with tuition? You might want to mention how irresponsible it would be to waste their money not doing as well in your classes just to help your friend!!
chacha82, ADN, BSN
626 Posts
No, you are not a bad friend. This is going to sound harsh, but academic probation twice is indicative of a pattern.
You have your own obligations - studying and work. Is she going to pay your bills for you? No.
You can help her study in advance and adhering to a schedule that works for YOU. You do not drop everything. Are you working as a paid tutor for her?
The best way to be a friend is to continue to be a friend, and do not allow her school emergencies to be criteria for "earning" her friendship. Do not listen to others who try to guilt you. You are not responsible for "rescuing" her or her school achievements.