Am I wrong from refusing to help a friend?

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Am I wrong for refusing to help my friend study?

My best friend of 10 years is having a difficult time in school where she was put on academic probation twice and received a 1.9 for her first semester of college and a 2.0 for her second semester (she believes she has ADD). So she is taking classes this summer to get back caught up with school in general.

However, she is failing her Bio 101 class and expexts me to help get her an A overnight because she thinks I know everything and don't need to study to get an A in any class I take. Yet, we are taking two different classes as I'm taking Microbiology and never once took Bio 101 as a college course.

So I wouldn't even know where to begin to help her study as I don't have a clue what she's learning. And yet she tries to make me drop everything I'm doing (my own studying time included) to come help her study.

For instance, like today she called me up telling me to come over and help her study for finals because she is not understanding the material and I told her I can't because I just got off of work and needed to study for my own finals. Then she blatantly said that I'm going to pull an A regardless since nursing is an easy major to have and get into unlike her major (physical therapy) which is harder and requires better grades. (Though I don't fault her for saying this since she doesn't know much about nursing at all).

Or when I told her that I'm meeting up with a study group from my class tomorrow for finals she got mad at me and claimed that I didn't care about her struggles and I should help her. Even though I did show and tell her how to study smartly but she completely disregarded it and wants me to give her answers and explain her class material to her that I refused to do. (And even as I type this she is texting me to forgo my study group tomorrow to come help her).

And now my friends and family are telling me that I'm wrong and act like I can't help a friend out in her time of need and I should be ashamed of myself.

At first I thought I was not in the wrong to refuse to help my friend but after being told that I do feel a little bit guilty for not doing all I can to help her and want advice from you guys on how I should've have went about the situation.

If you just got through all of this thank you for reading this long post as it was a struggle to type.

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Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.

You're not wrong to set boundaries. Sounds like she wants you to drop everything and come to her assistance because you're naturally smart and chose an easy program, whereas she has ADD and chose a challenging program. At least it suits her to think that.

I get that you aren't about to drop your own studies and run to rescue her. Can you give her some help on your terms? Is there a time you can set aside easily to offer to help her? I don't mean help her learn her course material. Just reiterate the study habits that work for you and cheer her on as she incorporates them.

If she takes you up on it she will benefit and you won't feel like a terrible friend. If she refuses, because she prefers to have you at her beck and call and she really wants you to do her work for her, oh well. You still don't have to feel like a terrible friend because you tried and she is not being much of a friend to you.

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You're not wrong to set boundaries. Sounds like she wants you to drop everything and come to her assistance because you're naturally smart and chose an easy program, whereas she has ADD and chose a challenging program. At least it suits her to think that.

I get that you aren't about to drop your own studies and run to rescue her. Can you give her some help on your terms? Is there a time you can set aside easily to offer to help her? I don't mean help her learn her course material. Just reiterate the study habits that work for you and cheer her on as she incorporates them.

If she takes you up on it she will benefit and you won't feel like a terrible friend. If she refuses, because she prefers to have you at her beck and call and she really wants you to do her work for her, oh well. You still don't have to feel like a terrible friend because you tried and she is not being much of a friend to you.

Thank you @ Tricia J for giving me options to help her. I just told her that I will meet up with her early in the morning tomorrow before my study group and I'm hoping that I can help her without having to learn the material for her as I have a final tomorrow as well and don't want to confuse myself.

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Specializes in OB.

Be careful. When you meet her in the morning be very firm about leaving on time for your study group. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated into staying over or skipping your own study.

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Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.

Don't feel bad at all. Some people just can't be helped. She sounds like she just want to use the excuse that she has ADD instead of doing anything about it.

If she really wanted to get good grades & get into a PT program, she would do whatever it took. But she expects you to do her work so that she can get the credit. That doesn't fly with me.

If she doesn't take your study tips, I'd bow out. You are not responsible for her grades. If she just wants to rest on her excuses then that's fine. But don't feel 1 oz of guilt.

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I would have said no without a second thought.

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Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.

She expects you to tutor her during finals week, and thinks she can pass? can you spell delusional? Asking you to learn her material for a class you aren't/haven't taken is ridiculous, especially on a day you have a final of your own. As nurses, we HAVE to learn to say no, politely, firmly, definitively. Now is as good a time to start as any.

"I've tried to show you my study habits, since that isn't how you want to learn, I can't help you any more than that. I'm not taking this class, so I can't help you with material I haven't studied." and if that doesn't do it: "NO, I DO NOT Have time to take your class for you."

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Specializes in ER.

I'm wondering if this friendship has tended to be one-sided like this? Has she always been in needy crisis mode, with you coming to the rescue?

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Specializes in school nurse.

Most of the physical therapists I've spoken to describe programs (minimum master's level, some DPT) that do sound academically harder than nursing school. If she can't swing BIO 101, there's no way she's going to make it.

Don't let her make you one of her excuses, and don't let her affect your grades by pulling you away from your studies. Many schools can connect students to tutors if requested. She should do that; that's what tutors are for...

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You are not responsible for your friend's academic success. Suggest she discuss this with her academic advisor and get a tutor.

Disgusted that friends and family are laying a guilt trip on you. They never went to nursing school. Nursing school will take all that you have. Focus on YOURSELF.

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I'm wondering if this friendship has tended to be one-sided like this? Has she always been in needy crisis mode, with you coming to the rescue?

Yes, always and I got used to it.

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You are not responsible for your friend's academic success. Suggest she discuss this with her academic advisor and get a tutor.

Disgusted that friends and family are laying a guilt trip on you. They never went to nursing school. Nursing school will take all that you have. Focus on YOURSELF.

Thank you

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