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abusive yelling husband, new baby, not sure what to do

Noodle28 Noodle28 (New) New

Hi everyone,

I don't know what to do in my situation and feel overwhelmed and think it would be helpful to have some kind of advice. I've been married for two years. The marriage started out fine. But ever since about the last year things have been getting worse. He explodes easily and goes on complaint tirade and basically has anger out of proportion with the situation. He also has tried to throw me out of the car at night just weeks after having had a baby and threatened to take the baby away from me. He still threatens that he wants custody of the baby (baby is just 2 months). He feeds the baby horizontally on a pillow and the baby ends up coughing (because she has a slight cold) uncontrollably and throws up, and he blames it on me saying I left baby at day care and that she wasn't well. The baby was fine in the morning, ate fine, had no throw up or coughing issues. It was the day before I felt that she was having probabably postnasal drip coughing, so I stayed home with baby but then the baby was doing much better in the evening and yesterday morning so I thought I brought her to day care so I could do my job searching.

Yesterday he goes crazy again on me, when the baby was fine in the evening, but then once the baby starts crying because she needed to be burped after her feeding, he gets crazy saying I am not taking care of her, starts yelling, which upsets the baby even more, then claims the baby is crying hysterically because of something I did, when really it's just him yelling for 10 minutes straight that is emotionally disturbing and scaring the child. He also puts me down, says I don't do anything, that it was a mistake he married me, and claims I am running around with boyfriends. Basically he puts me down in every way possible.

What do I do? I can't live like this. He has major anger management problems and poor impulse control and poor self control. I have to find a day shift job because my maternity leave is done, but I have to find a job that works around day care hours (630a-7pm) because day cares here have non-nurse-friendly hours. I can't find any baby sitter that would want to work 13 hour shifts on an unpredictable weekly shift. I'm guessing there will be divorce happening..I can't be with someone who treats me like dirt, and his yelling behavior will really mess up the child and being with him will probably make the yelling more likely to happen. I'm trying to quickly find a nursing home job or some other job that has 8 hour shifts, because I don't like the feeling of not having a job while living with an abusive man like him. I saw a lawyer to see what my rights were because he has threatened in the past too to take away my baby...he thinks he can just steal the kid from his mom and according to what he thinks. He also has been asking to have a passport made for the baby. What baby at 2 months needs to travel? He says it's for "emergency" but I doubt it. He is not from the U.S., he was born in another country and has family living there so i'm afraid when he gets his crazy episodes he will abduct her. He also has a prior psych facility history, which I knew about before we got married, but he claimed it's because his ex was still in love with a previous bf and he didn't really want to kill himself but for whatever reason they called the cops to come take him because they thought he was a threat to himself. So maybe he has a tendency to try to do drastic things whenever he is upset?

I don't know what to think and I don't know what to do. I know I do need to make a plan. It's hard to job search when you have an abusive spouse yelling and yelling. He yells in front of the baby and I tell him to stop yelling, because it's very emotionally damaging to a child, yet he keeps yelling and doesn't care that the baby's ear is 2 feet away. Do I call child protective services? He has never physically hit me, but emotionally and trying to throw me out of the car I think that's domestic violence. What do I do? I guess i'm loooking for some kind of emotional support and guidance. Thank you for your help

Get out. It's only going to get worse as time goes on. Best wishes.

Call your local Domestic Violence Hotline immediately. They can help you get to a safe place. Do it NOW!

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-7233

You have been severely abused and the fact that you are asking what to do speaks volumes. You need to leave and you are going to need some serious therapy so that you don't get back with this man or end up with another man who acts the same way towards you. If you can't find the courage to leave for you, then you need to find the courage to leave for your daughter. You may eventually snap and end up in jail or dead.

I am going to echo what everyone else is saying here: Take the baby and GET OUT!!! You are in very dangerous situation here. His out of control anger will only get worse, NOT better. You need to leave and be in a safer place. NOW!

I completely agree. Take that baby and run/disappear. The part about him wanting to get a passport made for your baby=terrifying! I think your fears are completely founded.

Here.I.Stand specializes in SICU, trauma, neuro.

Call that DV number, get out, and whatever you do don't sign for that passport!!! He is unstable, he is an abuser, heck he could have KILLED YOU trying to push you from a moving vehicle!!

Also DO NOT tell him you are leaving. This is often the most volatile time. ((((Noodle28)))) Hugs for you, and praying for your safety.

kbrn2002 specializes in Geriatrics, Dialysis.

Talk to somebody that is in a position to help you make rational decisions. I second calling the Domestic Abuse hotline, they can put you in touch with a local group that can help you with finding a lawyer that will protect your interests as well as your daughter's during the most likely inevitable divorce. They can help you find a safe place to live away from him, even helping with relocating if that is necessary. They can also help with finding reliable and safe childcare that will allow you work to support both you and your daughter.

For your immediate safety either leave and go somewhere safe before starting any legal proceedings or at the very least do NOT let him know you are seeking help as it very well may cause him to escalate. Confide in family or a close friend and arrange a code word or phrase that you can use during a seemingly normal conversation that will trigger that person to get you help [like call 911] without him knowing that help is on the way. Above all, stay safe!

nrsang97 specializes in Neuro ICU and Med Surg.

I echo everyone else and you have gotten good advice. GET OUT and do it NOW.

hppygr8ful specializes in Psych, Addictions, Elder Care, L&D.

just disappear, do not tell him or anyone else where you are going.

Legally you must let him know you have left and notify him from a safe place that you intend to file for divorce. You must handle this through proper legal channels or risk being accused of kidnapping or custodial interference. When I had a similar situation years ago and was leaving my very verbally abusive husband - I hired a lawyer, planned my exit, left when he was at work and had my attorney serve him same day. we worked out a plan for both of us to get counseling with him having monitored visits. we reconciled 6 months later and we now have a pretty good marriage of 17 years. During this process we learned that my husband has BPD and Asperger's which contributed to his problems with anger and impulse control. I also had to face the fact of my alcoholism and get help (Sober since 2004).

I agree you should get out to a place of safety where you can think and plan.

hppy

WanderingWilder specializes in Med-Surg.

You need to leave, now. Don't wait until you find a job. This may be different depending on the state, but where I live you can get temporary custody by going down to the court house and explaining why its needed. Then they set up a future court date for a custody order.

BCgradnurse specializes in allergy and asthma, urgent care.

Noodle-get out now! Your life is at risk. Get to safety and then seek legal advice.

Wishing you well.

VegGal specializes in LTC Management, Community Nursing, HHC.

...... He has never physically hit me, but emotionally and trying to throw me out of the car I think that's domestic violence. What do I do? I guess i'm loooking for some kind of emotional support and guidance. Thank you for your help

RUN!! OK, well you can't run if you don't have the means, but PLEASE for yours and your young baby's sake, PLEASE leave. Just because he hasn't hit you, doesn't mean that he's not abusive. Plus, he's tried to throw you out of a car! What are you waiting for? Do you really want your child to be raised by that person? Just because the child has his DNA doesn't make him a fit parent. Also, someone with such anger issues, and who's verbally abusive is liable to "explode" at the slightest provocation when you're not home as well, for example a baby crying.

Call a women's shelter in your area, or walk into a police station with your baby, you ID and your baby's ID as well as any other important docs you have (your nursing license, birth cert, etc) and make a police report, and ask that they help you get into a shelter because you're afraid for your life, and a restraining order alone will not be enough. They will help you (unless you're in a small town where they may also be friends with your partner).

Domestic violence escalates very quickly, and you and / your baby could be dead in an instant. You don't owe him anything, not even an explanation. Don't waste any time, and please don't be posting or reading these messages at home where he may find it. Also, if you have pets, please take them to a friend, or your local shelter, or take them with you to the police, and then to the women's shelter that they send you too. Most shelters will accept families (women and children) with their pets. Pets are often abused as well in such situations.

Be safe, and let us know how you are when you're out. Be strong. God bless you.

Edited by VegGal

Been there, suffered that. It started with yelling and fighting. He never hit me. Til one day, he lost control and tried to choke me to death. I was lucky; right before passing out, he came to whatever senses he had and stopped. I ran out with the clothes on my back to a friend's apartment a mile away. Best decision I ever made.

GET OUT NOW!

Call that hotline and work with them to get out as safely as possible. It WILL continue to escalate and he will likely kill you or your baby. Please help yourself; the job is the least of your priorities. You need to save yourself while you still can.

quiltynurse56 specializes in LTC and Pediatrics.

Yes get out. Call Domestic Abuse hotline or the shelter in your community. Sounds like you will also need to get a protection order for you and the baby ASAP

Plz run as far as you can because someone like that can do the unthinkable and get away with it because of his psych prob. please, if you can, go to another state that he wont be able to find you, then you can start the legal process of divorce.

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