abusive yelling husband, new baby, not sure what to do

[Noodle28]

Hi everyone,

I don't know what to do in my situation and feel overwhelmed and think it would be helpful to have some kind of advice. I've been married for two years. The marriage started out fine. But ever since about the last year things have been getting worse. He explodes easily and goes on complaint tirade and basically has anger out of proportion with the situation. He also has tried to throw me out of the car at night just weeks after having had a baby and threatened to take the baby away from me. He still threatens that he wants custody of the baby (baby is just 2 months). He feeds the baby horizontally on a pillow and the baby ends up coughing (because she has a slight cold) uncontrollably and throws up, and he blames it on me saying I left baby at day care and that she wasn't well. The baby was fine in the morning, ate fine, had no throw up or coughing issues. It was the day before I felt that she was having probabably postnasal drip coughing, so I stayed home with baby but then the baby was doing much better in the evening and yesterday morning so I thought I brought her to day care so I could do my job searching.

Yesterday he goes crazy again on me, when the baby was fine in the evening, but then once the baby starts crying because she needed to be burped after her feeding, he gets crazy saying I am not taking care of her, starts yelling, which upsets the baby even more, then claims the baby is crying hysterically because of something I did, when really it's just him yelling for 10 minutes straight that is emotionally disturbing and scaring the child. He also puts me down, says I don't do anything, that it was a mistake he married me, and claims I am running around with boyfriends. Basically he puts me down in every way possible.

What do I do? I can't live like this. He has major anger management problems and poor impulse control and poor self control. I have to find a day shift job because my maternity leave is done, but I have to find a job that works around day care hours (630a-7pm) because day cares here have non-nurse-friendly hours. I can't find any baby sitter that would want to work 13 hour shifts on an unpredictable weekly shift. I'm guessing there will be divorce happening..I can't be with someone who treats me like dirt, and his yelling behavior will really mess up the child and being with him will probably make the yelling more likely to happen. I'm trying to quickly find a nursing home job or some other job that has 8 hour shifts, because I don't like the feeling of not having a job while living with an abusive man like him. I saw a lawyer to see what my rights were because he has threatened in the past too to take away my baby...he thinks he can just steal the kid from his mom and according to what he thinks. He also has been asking to have a passport made for the baby. What baby at 2 months needs to travel? He says it's for "emergency" but I doubt it. He is not from the U.S., he was born in another country and has family living there so i'm afraid when he gets his crazy episodes he will abduct her. He also has a prior psych facility history, which I knew about before we got married, but he claimed it's because his ex was still in love with a previous bf and he didn't really want to kill himself but for whatever reason they called the cops to come take him because they thought he was a threat to himself. So maybe he has a tendency to try to do drastic things whenever he is upset?

I don't know what to think and I don't know what to do. I know I do need to make a plan. It's hard to job search when you have an abusive spouse yelling and yelling. He yells in front of the baby and I tell him to stop yelling, because it's very emotionally damaging to a child, yet he keeps yelling and doesn't care that the baby's ear is 2 feet away. Do I call child protective services? He has never physically hit me, but emotionally and trying to throw me out of the car I think that's domestic violence. What do I do? I guess i'm loooking for some kind of emotional support and guidance. Thank you for your help

[elkpark]

Get out. It's only going to get worse as time goes on. Best wishes.

[Wuzzie]

Call your local Domestic Violence Hotline immediately. They can help you get to a safe place. Do it NOW!

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-7233

[loriangel14, RN]

Find a shelter. Get out NOW.

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

I echo everyone's thoughts - get out now..tonight...do not wait....

[meanmaryjean, DNP, RN]

GET OUT NOW

[morte, LPN, LVN]

just disappear, do not tell him or anyone else where you are going.

[Workitinurfava, BSN, RN]

You have been severely abused and the fact that you are asking what to do speaks volumes. You need to leave and you are going to need some serious therapy so that you don't get back with this man or end up with another man who acts the same way towards you. If you can't find the courage to leave for you, then you need to find the courage to leave for your daughter. You may eventually snap and end up in jail or dead.

[BBogdon]

I am going to echo what everyone else is saying here: Take the baby and GET OUT!!! You are in very dangerous situation here. His out of control anger will only get worse, NOT better. You need to leave and be in a safer place. NOW!

[luvmyc]

I completely agree. Take that baby and run/disappear. The part about him wanting to get a passport made for your baby=terrifying! I think your fears are completely founded.

[Here.I.Stand, BSN, RN]

Call that DV number, get out, and whatever you do don't sign for that passport!!! He is unstable, he is an abuser, heck he could have KILLED YOU trying to push you from a moving vehicle!!

Also DO NOT tell him you are leaving. This is often the most volatile time. ((((Noodle28)))) Hugs for you, and praying for your safety.

[kbrn2002, ADN, RN]

Talk to somebody that is in a position to help you make rational decisions. I second calling the Domestic Abuse hotline, they can put you in touch with a local group that can help you with finding a lawyer that will protect your interests as well as your daughter's during the most likely inevitable divorce. They can help you find a safe place to live away from him, even helping with relocating if that is necessary. They can also help with finding reliable and safe childcare that will allow you work to support both you and your daughter.

For your immediate safety either leave and go somewhere safe before starting any legal proceedings or at the very least do NOT let him know you are seeking help as it very well may cause him to escalate. Confide in family or a close friend and arrange a code word or phrase that you can use during a seemingly normal conversation that will trigger that person to get you help [like call 911] without him knowing that help is on the way. Above all, stay safe!