Your Favorite one liner used with patients

im only a student but

once i said to a guy nervous about having to be "exposed"
"don't worry, in this job i've already seen more penises than a hooker"

or about SQ injections

"Okay so i can give this anywhere that jiggles....except penises and testicles" (whether male or female)

My favorite when doing an IV or injection is "Don't worry, this is my second time after the...incident. They finally let me back with the real people again"

i once had a patient who complained from the moment i came in the door about every thing. she became very angry when i did not respond to her obvious attemp at provoking me. So, she exclaimed "you have a very nasty attitude" to which i replied " Yes, ma'am, so do you."

TRAUMA IS THE ACUTE EXACERBATION OF CHRONIC STUPIDITY

When I worked the ER and parents would bring in thier teenagers with complaints of being dizzy, I would ask "what's abnormal about them though? They're teenagers and their supposed to be dizzy!" Usually got a laugh from parents and rolled eyes from the teens.

Pam

Oh another one I thought of:

When I worked the ER I had a habit of telling patients they were free to go. Once I made this statement to a prisoner in handcuffs being led out by a sheriff's deputy. I immediately said "Well, not really." Got a laugh from the deputy and a semi-dirty look from the prisoner.

Pam

Oh, thought of another one. Also when I was working ER. Whenever I precepted new nurses, and we would go into a room to draw blood or start an IV, I would say "Now so and so, this isn't like the rubber arm you've been practicing on." Got a lot of laughs for that, both from patients and the preceptee.

Pam

When a patient or family ask my name I tell them "Just remember I ain't worth a cent."
Get a puzzled look for a minute until they look at my badge with the name abd then the realize it is

PENNY

good one! I'll have to remember that!

Working in the OR, when I go to prescreen to check my patient before taking them to surgery I like to use some humor to help relieve the stress levels they are experiencing, depending on the patient of course. They get the same list of questions from about 4 people and I'm usually the last one so I start out telling them I'm going to ask them a whole bunch of questions that they've already answered about a dozen times, which usually gets a mild chuckle. When I get to the removable accessory items I put it something like this, "Do you have any jewelry, dentures, partials plates, contacts...anything you were not born with that comes off or out, has it been removed?" I usually get one of two reactions, immediate laughter saying they'd never heard it put quite like that but liked it...or...a pin-drop silent pause where they are clearly trying to think "what's the right answer to this test?!?!" then telling me 'no' LOL Everytime I get the pause, the answer is always no LOL So, of course, I launch into a line about what isn't removed and we'd better get it. Then they are laughing anyway cuz they realize they answered backwards For the older folks I often ask if they have any 'special jewelry' I need to know about, which has them puzzled for a moment then the dawn of realization of what I'm asking passes over their faces and they either laugh saying that they've already removed it, clearly participating in the fun, or 'oh my' and a bit of a mock embarassment moment. Then I reassure them that I usually only see that on the '20 and under' crowd but I like to ask 'just in case'.

I have some others but those are my 'regulars'

Crackerjack, that reminds me:

When I have to do the pre-op checklist, when I get to the jewelry question, I always ask, "Do you have any body piercing jewelry, like a belly ring?"

The over-80 set usually will giggle as I feign horror and say, "What? No belly ring? No tongue ring, no nipple ring? Oh darn."