Your Favorite one liner used with patients - page 7

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his... Read More

  1. by   grace90
    Quote from km5v6r
    When I have a pt who is post-op kidney transplant or slowly recovering from acute renal failure we become very excited about the "liquid gold" collecting in the bag. One of the pediatric Nephrologist I work with will instruct parents on the "peepee dance". She has even been known to demonstrate the dance for a 6 yr old recovering from HUS and coming to the end of needing dialysis.
    Awwww.... that's kinda sweet!
  2. by   diawc
    On our ER discharge instructions for narcotics, it says no driving, drinking alcohol, or operating machinery. I often look at the young women I discharge and say "sorry, you're just going to have to wait to use that new backhoe. " That often gets a giggle.
  3. by   twinmommy+2
    "Didn't you know the hospital is not a place to get any sleep?"

    "If you did like getting (IV started, injections, fill in here) then we would be worried about you"
  4. by   oso
    After taking blood, "its impressive what this hospital will let the janitorial staff do".
  5. by   PamRNC
    Let's see...I've worked general med/surg so usually have adults and geriatric pts.

    When I used to start IV's and draw bloods...Thanks for your donation!

    When untangling IV lines...As a nurse you have to be part spider and part vampire.

    While giving dc instructions that include no strenuous activity or heavy lifting...Okay, no heavy lifting includes the vacuum cleaner, so that means you get a break from housecleaning and you're hubby will have to do.

    or Sorry, but you'll have to put off that triatholon, climbing Mt Everest, swimming the English Channel (or any other outrageously difficult activity I can think of) for a few weeks until you heal.

    When giving safety/ambulating instructions to new patients with IVs...Okay just keep in mind this is your new dancing partner [IV pole] and she/he like to spin a lot.

    To diabetic patients bemoaning their high fingersticks...You know, stress raises your sugar, just walking into the hospital and wearing that cheesy blue gown alone is guaranteed to raise your sugar.

    Anything I can say to get 'em laughing and stop worrying about the million and one things hospital/post-op/pre-op patients worry about.
  6. by   maxrn
    I work in a High Risk Antepartum unit and of course the pregnant moms are always reluctant to take any type of pain medication. I like to tell them "Hey, take advantage of it... it is your only chance to get pain drugs FREE and LEGAL, too!" It usually brings a smile to their face!
  7. by   fetch33
    I was removing an infiltrated IV from a very tattooed gentleman. The IV just happened to have been inserted between the legs of a naked woman tattoo on his arm. He said jokingly to me.... she's pregnant. I replied 'and I've just given her a bikini wax' as I ripped the tape off of his arm.

    I always tell my total joint patients, as they lament how slow they are on a walker, that they will be ready for our Saturday night races soon.
  8. by   AstrosFan
    Quote from vamedic4
    [font="century gothic"]"hi, my name is john and i'm not your nurse, but i play one on tv."

    that gets a chuckle out of the parents...

    vamedic4
    i switch it around a little; hi, my name is john, i'm not really a nurse but i did stay at a holiday inn express last night.
  9. by   LovingNurse
    I get a lot of people who say "I hate being in hospitals!" I tell them "well they have to PAY ME to be here".
    __________________
    :lol_hittiLove it! :lol_hitti
  10. by   nurscee
    My favorite line when a patient is afraid to show a private part is to tell them "It's just another face in the crowd."
  11. by   Cheyenne RN,BSHS
    these answers usually bring a smile for me and help relax an anxious patient.

    whenever i am getting a patient up ambulating them and they are unsteady and telling me "i think i'm going to fall." i answer back


    "please don't. it will look bad on my resume'"

    or if the person is nauseated and telling me they are going to throw" up i tell them

    "please don't, i'm an empathetic puker and if you throw up i will throw up with you."

    if the person is in their 60's, 70's, 80's plus and tell me they are nauseated and sick to their stomach, i look them straight in the eye and ask them

    "please tell me the truth, are you pregnant?"

    if the iv line is all tangled up and around the pole and the patient, i start untangling the line and say

    "looks like a chinese puzzle to me."

    when i have to start an iv, i tell the person, while getting all my things ready for the stick,

    "i promise i'll leave my eyes open for this and don't worry, it take's me longer to build my nest than lay my eggs." then i grin and wink at them and hum "if i only had a brain"
  12. by   chenoaspirit
    I heard a nurse say to a patient while starting an IV "Its like losing your virginity - alittle prick and alittle blood and its all over" I thought I would DIE!
  13. by   Daywalker
    For frequent flyers: Why are you back again? The food's not that good.
    For male flashers (when taking blood): Is that the vein you want me to use?
    When removing ECG leads from hairy men: Just think, you're getting a free wax job. Women pay for this.
    When asked what we do with all the blood: I'm drinking it.

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