Your Favorite one liner used with patients

When I have to wake patients up for their fasting blood sugars, I always tell them, "I'm here to see how sweet you are today." They frequently tell me that they are sour.

Too many to just choose a favorite (of course, all used judiciously)...

"I practiced on my cat last night." (prior to any procedure)

"We drive like drunks on payday" (when transporting a patient by stretcher with another cath lab crew member)

"Don't worry, all bleeding eventually stops."

"I promise I won't drop you. Too much paperwork." (best when turning a patient. If said on Monday, can add "heck of a way to start the week". If said on Friday, "heck of a way to end the week")

"It's cold in here, but at least it keeps the beer cold." (hey, the cath lab is a COLD room!)

"This procedure is totally painless, especially if the crew gets some chocolate chip cookies afterwards."

(ooohhh, we are soooooooo bad)

OK this is from a patient...Thank you for using humor. It is appreciated. People dont like things like needles (obviously) and breaking the ice makes it easier for the patient. So please keep doing the humor thing.

LOL thats cute.

was getting ready to start an iv on pt with n/v/d x 3 days, told him I would draw his blood at the same time. the pt chimed in with "all with one little prick" I automatically said "what did you call me " after uncomfortable second pt and his wife started laughing and wife said it was first time pt laughed in the 3 days whew!

enguin: Good for you! Nurses without a good sense of humour are usually quite scary to me. When I was on my final placement as a student nurse ( donkey's years ago! ), I worked with this fantastic and very comical Nurse and it made such a difference to the whole working environment. Nice for other nurses and more importantly, to the patients. Laughter is such a good therapy that requires no prescription.

I usually say to patients;
* This won't hurt..... ME much! I say this when I have to do anything uncomfortable.
* Don't worry, I'll leave you some left.... when I'm extracting blood.
* Don't worry.... it's music to our ears... when patient's get embarrassed after passing wind.

I get a lot of compliments, and I truly enjoy them, but what I like even more is the laughter when I tell the patients and their families, "shhhh! I have a reputation to maintain!"

i love this thread...

i never say one-liners to people... i'm kinda scared about how the patients would react to it...

but i do know some other people who drop funny one-liners... the one i like the most is when they say to little children:
"awww... don't worry, it'll grow back... eventually... probably..."

I like to tell my patients that what we are doing to them, IV, pacer pads, etc won't hurt us a bit & if they complain we are taking too much blood for lab draws, I ask them, "Don't be so stingy!" And doing the OR consent questionaire I like to ask men patients if they could be pregnant. And when asked how long they will be in the ED with test results, etc. I tell them 3 days, at least.

...when I am getting a blood sugar I will ask "which finger should I use, as long as it isn't mine?" and that usually gets a smile.

...in a semi-private room after the PM assessment, I will tell the pts. as I leave, "now no pillow fights".

..."don't go away, I'll be right back" to the pt. who is immobilized but in a good frame of mind and good mood.