need help for severe depression - page 6

I am an RN that lives for my career. I am now faced with the probability of losing the career I wanted for so long & worked so hard for.Severe depression has officially taken over. This past year has... Read More

  1. by   chadash
    Thank you for updating us on how you are doing. You are in my prayers.
  2. by   begalli
    Quote from needs help
    UPDATE. Hi everyone. I'm sorry it's been a while since I have logged on and sorry if some of you were worried. I have been struggling. I am doing some better now with the depression. I am currently on 225mg of effexor.(high dose huh-never seen anyone on that much). At least I am no lonlger wishing I was dead ALL the time (just rarely now). I am seeing a professional now as many of you wonderful people encouraged. THANK YOU!!!!My world has not gotten much better than the last time i logged on but I am dealing with it a little better now. I am still out of work. Indefinate is what my doctor listed as an estimate of return to work. They are now thinking this may take "months to years" to recover from. I'm waiting on MRI results that I had done of Friday. The doctors are finally investigating my hip. I've been telling them all along that when I put weight on my Left leg it really hurt. at least they are now checking it out. There may be a hairline fracture that was missed or something is what the doctors are thinking now in addition to the bad disk in my back. I had the nerve block done and had a reaction to the injection (just my luck) It didn't help with the pain in the end anyway. I just found out today that if I am not back to work by April 6th I will have lost my job anyway, so I guess I was right before when I expected to loose it. At least now I know right? I still do not know what I am going to do with my life anymore. I am constantly taking pain meds to be able to function at all. as soon as I get up and start doing things the pain just gets worse though. I am also on crutches now until the MRI is back, at least. can't do much on crutches.
    I better get going now. I am finally going to go out tomorrow and have my hair done(haven't done that since Now.) Even though I don't sleep well I had better at least try. I just wanted to let anyone that might be interested know that I was still around and fighting to get better. Thanks for all of your help and kind words. I'll try not to take so long in the future to update you. Thanks again Rhonda
    Hi Rhonda!

    Good to hear from you! I must say, even though this is the internet and I can't see you, your tone and the general feeling I get when I read your update is different! You sound different in a good way! I'm really glad.

    Keep plugging along and doing what you need to do. As time passes I think you learn more and more about yourself. Pretty soon when adversity strikes anew, you will have new and improved ways of coping!!

    Cheers to you! And take care!
    :kiss
  3. by   needs help
    I have now affically lost my job. As of April 6th, I am no longer the Charge Nurse on one on the best (in my opinion anyway)spinal injury and general rehab units around here. The MRI I had done showed bad Bursitis in my left hip, and mild in my right hip, it also showed torn tendons, ligaments and muscles in the left hip, in addition to the disk in my back. My doctor said it was from the trauma of the car wreck. My recovery is now officeally at "months to years" (quoting the doctor). I am weight bearing as tolerated and use crutches whenever I need to be on my feet for extended times like if I need to go shopping. Today I am having a bad day (psych wise) and feel like I am going crazy, like I am lost again and don't know which direction to go in. Sme days (few) are better than others and today seems to be one of the worst lately.
    Almost 2 weeks ago one of my MD's had me get some labs drawn. Being a nurse I knew what the tests were for when I looked at the slips but didn't think any more about it. That is until the tech from his office called and said I needed to schedule an appointment to discuss the results with the MD. Well, that NEVER happens, unless something is abnormal on the results. Most of my doctors will just give me the infromation on the phone. The tech said she was told 'nothing is horrific and for me not to worry', and that they would call me. Well I am still waiting for that call. My family tells me to try to calm down and just wait, but I am finding that really hard to do. The ordered blood work was for Rheumatic diseases including Arthritis and tests for Lupus. Neither of these do I need right now (or ever for that amatter). I really do not need any more problems right now. My son has had another car wreck, in my new car, with him listed as at fault. He is alright but my car insurance will be going up because of this, and my health insurance premiums are now totally my responsibility (>$400.00 every two weeks). I do not know where the money will come from to cover that and cannot afford necessary medications for myself and my husband without insurance. Just more BS I will have to find a way to deal with.
    As I said, I do have some better days, although I don't ever feel happy. Like when my son was born, when I married my husband, when I got my Nursing Degree, or like when I got my first job as an RN. I just want to feel happy like that again. I mentioned this to my psychiatrist and she told me that this takes time but if it continues we might have to think about adding yet another med to my very large list, even if just for a short time.
    My daily life consists of getting up and taking pain pills, after a while I get up and try to clean the house(since my OCD will not let me 'just leave it') I feel I have to get 'something' done, although even that doesn't seem to get too far. Soon the pain gets too much and I have to go sit/lie down, take more pain pills and watch TV for a while. Then I try to work on some of the mountain of paperwork that has built up in the past few months, but sitting up correctl,y to be able to do the paperwork, makes me hurt so I take more pills. Pretty soon all I am doing is watching TV and munching on jelly beans and hersheys kisses. (I bet I have put on about 30 pounds since January when I became out of work--not too good for an anorexic- I'm going to have to start dieting soon). I do like to paint ceramics and I collect Genuiine Gemstones and make them into jewelery, and have even sold many pieces. I just don't seem to have the desire to work on those things right now. I really wish I did since now is a good time to get some things done. I just have no ambition anymore. If anyone has a spare bottle of ambition I could buy please let me know, I'd pay almost anything (ha ha ha!!) I really wish such a thing existed.
    I guess I better go now, I have been rambling enough. I'm sure you have better things to do than listen/read about all my continued problems in such detail. Besides sitting at this desk is getting painful and I will need to go take more pain meds soon. I am scheduled to see the MD regarding the lab tests on Thursday afternoon(4/14/05) and will try to let you know, in a SHORT note what the results are. Thanks to you all for the support and encouragement. I will try to keep my updates shorter in the future so as to not bother anyone. THANKS AGAIN RHONDA
  4. by   lady_jezebel
    Quote from Dixielee
    We all have crisis in our lives. You just have to learn to rise above and get on with life. You are only 38 years old according to your profile. You have many, many good years left. I have never suffered from clinical depression, so I do not have a personal understanding of how debilitating it can be. But I have suffered adversity, as most of us have. If you think you are the only one, the you just aren't paying attention. Have you seen the guy who had to cut off his own arm because it was caught under a boulder while hiking? I can't remember his name, but I saw him on a talk show and he has written a book. He was thanking God for his affliction because it made him more aware of the fragility of life, and helped him lead a fuller, more "aware" life.

    You mentioned a family member having a fatal stroke. As we get older, more and more precious members of our families are going to die. My sister was killed by a cougar last year and we found her body, that was not exactly a part of my life I would like to relive, but life goes on. That is a fact of life, as a nurse you should understand that clearly. As far as your FIL having bypass surgery, did he die? Most folks who have bypass surgery return to normal, active lives, my husband did. How is your son doing now after surgery? If he is 19, he was probably healthy enough to get thru things well. As far as your back surgery goes...there are many nursing jobs that are not quite as demanding physically as others. Search them out.

    Maybe your primary problem stems from your opening sentence, saying you are an RN who lives for her career. Nursing is a job. We are numbers on a schedule to management. If you happen to be able to find some enjoyment and fullfillment in your job, then that is a bonus. That is what keeps us going. But as far as living for it.....there are too many other things to live for. Live for your family, your grandchildren, yourself, the ability to travel and enjoy nature. Live for God, make yourself available to others who may need encouragement. Live for the sake of being able to see the sunrise every morning. Live to hear a baby coo. Live for puppy kisses. Live because that is why we are on the earth, but for Heaven's sake....don't live for nursing!
    what a great post. i don't know if it helped the original poster, but i needed to hear it. thanks!
  5. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Quote from needs help
    I am scheduled to see the MD regarding the lab tests on Thursday afternoon(4/14/05) and will try to let you know, in a SHORT note what the results are. Thanks to you all for the support and encouragement. I will try to keep my updates shorter in the future so as to not bother anyone. THANKS AGAIN RHONDA

    Rhonda, hi, I've been out of work since 10/20/03 due to depression and anxiety, it's not fun but I'm getting better every day. Meanwhile I was able to get disability and had a lawyer do everything but the initial paperwork. It's worth looking into Rhonda and won't cost a thing if you don't win.

    Bless you - as to "shorter updates" - don't even think about it. Say what you need to say and know that it probably helps at least one of us!

    Take care!
  6. by   needs help
    Quote from zoeboboey
    Rhonda, hi, I've been out of work since 10/20/03 due to depression and anxiety, it's not fun but I'm getting better every day. Meanwhile I was able to get disability and had a lawyer do everything but the initial paperwork. It's worth looking into Rhonda and won't cost a thing if you don't win.

    Bless you - as to "shorter updates" - don't even think about it. Say what you need to say and know that it probably helps at least one of us!

    Take care!
    Thank you for taking time to care. Any Ideas who to see about the disability? Is this state of federal? thanks again. Rhonda
  7. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Quote from needs help
    Thank you for taking time to care. Any Ideas who to see about the disability? Is this state of federal? thanks again. Rhonda


    Hi Rhonda

    Soc. Security disability is a federal program. You should be able to find it under "united States Government" listings, or maybe you even know where your local office is.

    I filled out the form by myself the first time. It is customary to get turned down the first time. Then you go to a lawyer (sometimes you may know a friend who can recommend one?) and then they send in some secondary forms, which may or may not be more complete as to all the names of doctors and providers they should contact.

    One of the most important things is to have REGULAR doctor visits so that your illness and disability are continuously monitored and documented.

    Good luck Rhonda!
  8. by   Aellyssa
    hi rhonda ,
    depression is a world wide disease, it is estimated by 2020 it will be the 3rd biggest disease in the world! let no-one tell you that it is something you can just get over. i have just emerged out of an 8 year tunnel of depression and for me it is like walking into the light again. i am on 300mg of efexor and i won't be reducing it until i have had a year of feeling "normal" again.

    for those who have never been "clinically depressed" let me tell you what i was like at the worst.
    - i had no motivation to do anything. it's like i was paralysed, i literally couldn't get the e to do anything positive.
    - i didn't wash myself or care for myself
    - i wore the same clothes for weeks sometimes.
    - i nevr cleaned my house even when there was dog faeces around
    - i mainly lived on coke (drink) and cigarettes.
    - i played computer games all the time.
    - i threw all my bills in the corner and didn't look at them.
    - i just stayed in my home

    the results of this were almost losing my job and having my car repossessed for unpaid bills. make no mistake i knew what was happening but i just didn't care at all about it. didn't really care about me really. i merely existed. did i have 'suicidal ideation" no - that would take too much effort.

    what caused this? well i wasn't having a "annus horribilis" like rhonda has had, but i was working in a very toxic environment and was imho the victim of extensive & continuous workplace bullying. and like rhonda, i ruptured a disk in my back (rolling over in bed - alone) which certainly exacerbated it. plus i was and am peri-menopausal. there is also a history of depression in my family - my grandfather & great grandfather both committed suicide.

    the one thing i cared about and in fact were my saviours were my 2 dogs - keeshah & ubu - bedlington terriers. they loved me no matter what i was like. i always had food for them. and they, my psychiatrist and my anti-depressants pulled me through this. plus i had support of my union who helped me confront the toxic environment where i worked and others who were also the victims of workplace bullying took our thought to the powers that be. it took some time for things to change, but change they did.

    i am now as i was 8 years ago, engaging in my profession again, really enjoying teaching & researching again & have even joined an on-line dating service!

    rhonda, honey, it takes time & it takes patience & endurance. your depression has been truly exacerbated by all of the truly dreadful things that have happened to you and it seems continue to happen to you. i can't hug you from here in australia but i can tell you that i have been there, and like so many others have offered so can you pm me.

    may the goddess bless you in all of her aspects,
    blessed be,
    aellyssa
  9. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Quote from aellyssa
    hi rhonda ,
    depression is a world wide disease, it is estimated by 2020 it will be the 3rd biggest disease in the world! let no-one tell you that it is something you can just get over. ...
    may the goddess bless you in all of her aspects,
    blessed be,
    aellyssa
    {{{{{{{{{{{[aellyssa}}}}}}}}}]

    doesn't matter how many times i hear all the people's different stories, it still makes me go "ah! i'm not the only one!"

    bless you too and so happy to see you here, another one survives, yayyy!
  10. by   toadflax
    I was sad to read your post (and everyone else's) who has/is suffering depression. I've been there a couple of times and in fact am only just emerging from the worst spell ever.

    Yes, it can seem crazy to those who haven't been there. My mum had a nervous breakdown when I was 14 - it was scary to see how she lost interested in us, so unlike her. I won't go into all the pressures she was under at the time, but a lot of us would also have buckled a bit under the strain.

    Now I am 36 and have been there myself. It's not always the "worst" stuff that seems to bring it on. Or maybe it is, but is doesn't manifest until later. Sometimes the straw that breaks the camel's back can seem like nothing to others but it's the fact that it IS the last straw that makes it so powerful.

    I used to be good at bottling stuff up and carrying on appearing cheerful and happy. A lot of my friends used to think, "lucky ......... she never has ANY problems!". Trouble is, years later, that tactic didn't work any more.

    Seems to me, NeedsHelp that you are seriously depleted from being the caregiver to more than one person. That's TOUGH. Far from being selfish, my guess is you probably haven't been selfish ENOUGH!

    You WILL get through this - the support here is incredible and you need to explore every avenue to find your answer - acupuncture, therapy, your doctor - everything. Please invest this time and effort in yourself for a change. I noticed you said you'd been an anorexic? I don't know the circumstances but I believe that starving your body of nutrients can be a cause of depression so bear that in mind and work out a healthy eating programme - less junk and lots of nice wholefoods.

    Listen to me preaching - I have put on nearly 70 pounds during my bout of depression which I am now ready to tackle. I've been awful to my husband and my social life has all but trickled out. But I am on an upswing and am fighting back.

    I got an e-book which was helpful. If you think this would help you in any way, please email me and I'll send it to you.

    You are very important and special, NeedsHelp - give yourself the same consideration and help that you have so freely given to others.

    (((NeedsHelp)))
  11. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Quote from toadflax
    You are very important and special, NeedsHelp - give yourself the same consideration and help that you have so freely given to others. (((NeedsHelp)))
    We all should read that (above) over and over and over - thanks for your post!
  12. by   Psychaprn
    Quote from mattsmom81
    I'm so sorry to read of your troubles...you have had more than your share lately. I am also a nurse who has had spine and neck injuries and had to readjust following surgeries. My career had been #1 self esteem for me and this gave me problems. I had to 'adjust' my attitude/thinking a bit.

    I hope you find a good counselor to help you to reframe your thinking...this is what I have had to do. My injuries have healed and I have been successful in several nursing positions since my accident, it just takes a little time to find the right position. I was able to get a charge position (desk jockey) where I was very appreciated by managers and staff...do you know a place that could use a good charge nurse?? (YOU)
    Your experience IS a valuable asset!

    Check it out..when you feel better. Sounds like you need to bolster your own support system and ask for some caring to be directed back to YOU. Now you are overwhelmed and need to feel better/have some good things happen to you. Take care please. PM me if you want to talk.

    I really hope you get better soon. All the above are good suggestions with the exception of just get over it and be grateful, blah.blah.blah. Severe depression can't be willed or thought away.

    I would suggest you seek out as good psychiatric APRN. He/ She will asess you holostically including:

    1. Labs-a low TSH or B-12 can cause a depression or exacerbate one i.e. hypothroidism or anemia.
    2. Changing or augmenting an antidepressant after the dose has been optimized and you are on it for at least a month.
    3. Exercise and proper nutrition
    4. Psychotherapy to help you identify cognitive distortions, coping mechanisms and self nurturing.
    5. Possibly a pain management or chronic pain group for support and/or treatment.

    Good luck-I'll keep you in my thoughts! PSYCHaprn
  13. by   chadash
    so glad you have continued to keep us posted. You have been through so much, and it is admirable that you keep plugging away despite all you face. The depression has nothing to do with your character. What I see in your postings is someone who has continued to hope despite incredible burdens.
    You have great value, not based on what you are able to do or not do at this point in your life. You are of great value because of WHO you are. You are a person who has given yourself to others , you are a child of God.
    I just found out last week, after 30 years of wanting to go to nursing school, that I could not afford it at this point. With my age and circumstances, it was a now or never situation. I had to consider: I thought this was the one thing I was made to do, but now it appears not. One week before the caregiver of one of my home health pt died, he told me this: It does not matter what your title or job is, how weak or how strong you are, how smart or how confused you might feel. What matters is what you bring with you, where ever you go, what ever you do. He said it was not about me, it was about God. I thought alot about what he said during his funeral and the days that followed. I though about the COPD pt, who though she cant "do" anything anymore, has brought great joy into my life by being my friend. I remembered my alzheimers pt who, though she can't remember the day of the week or how to get down the hall to her bedroom, still ministers to me with her undying faith.
    You are complete in Him, right now, even in this seemingly defeated situation. You, in your openess to share, have encouraged me. Your honesty is refreshing!

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