How do YOU deal with criticism outside of work?

Ruby Vee, BSN · Sep 14, 2017

I'm wondering how other nurses deal with criticism and insults outside of work. At work, it's obvious that you must remain professional. But what about outside of work when you're not in uniform? I've come across a good amount of negative people in my life (family members, mutuals, and strangers) and recently I decided to just turn the other cheek when they speak bad of me, whether it's to my face or not. I'm naturally the type of person to bark back because I noticed that people will continue bothering if you don't. But I've been holding back. I feel like it's risky now. I would NEVER get physical. Never have and never will. But nowadays even words are enough to get you fired from a job.

Criticism and insults are two different things.

If it's an insult coming from a stranger, there's probably no need to react at all unless the stranger is persistent. Then you have to evaluate how safe it is to react. (Road rage? Is he going to try to run you off the road, pull out a gun at the next stop light or just flip you off? Are there other people around? Can you safely respond to the insult or is it better to just get the H out of there?)

If an insult is coming from a friend (what the heck is a "mutual, anyway?") or family member, then you have to wonder why they're insulting you? Have you inadvertently (or thoughtlessly or even deliberately) caused them some sort of problems? Are they angry at something you've done? Or are they just a nasty person? Do you care about them? Do you want them in your life? If they're just a nasty person and you don't care about keeping them in your life, probably best to just ignore them and stay out of their way in the future . . . unless you relish being the subject of gossip for the clever retort you threw at them. Sometimes it's really satisfying to tell off your sister-in-law, for example, but then it's really uncomfortable to have to deal with her at your father-in-law's funeral. If you've pissed them off and they have a legitimate complaint about you, apologize. Depth and length of the apology to depend upon the transgression . . . obviously spilling their beer is at one end of the continuum and sleeping with their SO is at the other. You can still apologize for a legitimate transgression AND decide you don't want them in your life anymore. If you've hurt or offended someone, take the high road and apologize.

As far as criticism -- again, who is it coming from. If it's coming from a stranger, could they possibly have a real complaint? The stranger who is complaining that you parked him in has a real issue . . . probably best to listen politely and apologize sincerely. The stranger who is criticizing your body habitus deserves no consideration from you. Either ignore them and move on or tell them off and move on. (If it's safe to do so, and if you can do so without having it ruin your mood for the rest of the day.) If it's your primary care provider criticizing you for not having lost the weight you agreed you would lose, that's different. Listen politely and make a new plan.

If criticism is coming from family and friends, and if you value your relationships, listen carefully to the criticism and think about it carefully before you respond. If your husband is criticizing you for leaving the TV on too loud late at night so he can't sleep, apologize, turn the TV down, use headphones, watch TV in the furthest room from the bedroom -- fix the problem. Most criticism coming from friends and family has at least a kernal of truth in it. You want people you care about to bring you legitimate criticism rather than let it fester until they hate you. So respond to it kindly and change what needs to be changed or negotiate the rest. Not so very much different from responding to criticism at work.

Most people aren't skilled at delivering criticism -- so respond to the complaint itself, and not to the manner in which it is delivered. You can learn from criticism even when it isn't constructive.

NormaSaline · Sep 14, 2017

What an interesting question! To be honest, criticism for me can be hard. One thing I have realized is that (possibly) the less open I am in general, the harder criticism is. If I'm engaged, focused, feeling ok about myself and relatively open to the world, I can hear criticism as not a personal attack. Hearing it as a personal attack is, I'm afraid to say, sometimes something that happens. I can get over it, but that initial flash of anger/shame/embarrassment is something that is undoubtedly there sometimes.

Julius Seizure · Sep 14, 2017

If criticism is coming from family and friends, and if you value your relationships, listen carefully to the criticism and think about it carefully before you respond. If your husband is criticizing you for leaving the TV on too loud late at night so he can't sleep, apologize, turn the TV down, use headphones, watch TV in the furthest room from the bedroom -- fix the problem. Most criticism coming from friends and family has at least a kernal of truth in it. You want people you care about to bring you legitimate criticism rather than let it fester until they hate you. So respond to it kindly and change what needs to be changed or negotiate the rest. Not so very much different from responding to criticism at work.
Most people aren't skilled at delivering criticism -- so respond to the complaint itself, and not to the manner in which it is delivered. You can learn from criticism even when it isn't constructive.

So much wisdom in this. I was raised in a family that didn't handle problems this way, and every relationship has suffered as a result.

VioletKaliLPN, LPN · Sep 14, 2017

Outside of work? I couldn't care less what anyone thinks of me. I enjoy life, have my hobbies, friends, and a job I genuinely love. I am not going to dignify a person's criticism or insults with any reaction other than walking away as if they did not exist.

missmollie, ADN, BSN, RN · Sep 14, 2017

It's okay. No one understands your job quite like another nurse.

My younger sister was a nurse before I was, and all I hear from my mother is how I don't work on a med-surg unit with seven patients. In her mind this is the most prestigious job to have in the nursing field because that is her limited knowledge. I work neurosurgery, progressive care, and I have to constantly explain that my job is just as important as hers. That it is not a bad thing that I have less patients, although she views that as lazy or insufficient. I have to forgive her because she is ignorant of the job we do.

It is difficult because my job is challenging, but my mom is unable to see that. There is no glory in nursing, not even in your own family.

Apple-Core, ASN, BSN, RN · Sep 15, 2017

For me, it depends on several factors: WHO is making the insult, WHERE we are at the moment and WHY they are being like that. Confronting rude and hostile behavior from a stranger is one thing, the same thing needs to be handled differently at work, etc.

What insults are you getting from these people you meet regularly, and where do you come into contact with them....at work? Home? Public?

Julius Seizure · Sep 15, 2017

It's okay. No one understands your job quite like another nurse.
It is difficult because my job is challenging, but my mom is unable to see that. There is no glory in nursing, not even in your own family.

I have family on both ends of the spectrum, and both are frustrating.

On the one hand, I have some family members who wonder aloud when I will go back to school to be a doctor and get a "real job".

On the other hand, I basically can't mention anything about my work in the pediatric ICU without my mom tearing up and saying that she doesn't know how I can do what I do.

Sigh.

Rekt · Sep 15, 2017

Why do you care what people think? Count your money and have a coke. Ya'll too old to be concerned with other peoples opinions.

evastone, BSN, RN · Sep 17, 2017

When I get nonconstructive critisism, I tell myself that these poor people obviously lead miserable lives and get their kicks by lashing out. If that doesn't work, I imagine the looks on their faces if I were to insert a 24FR foley catheter and bilateral 14G IV's in each hand. Sweet, sweet revenge!

**canoehead, BSN, RN** · Sep 20, 2017

I usually apologize, if appropriate, or I refer them to the patient complaint line. I don't want the conversation to escalate in public, that's more a concern than defending myself.

Usually the apology is something like "I'm sorry that offended you," or "I'm sorry that happened to you." No specifics. We can all agree that we're sorry the patient landed in the hospital, so, not a lie.

I did blurt out "you were yelling at us, we knew you could breathe!" when a former RN stopped me on the way to my car. She was taking a smoke break, and figured ******** to someone not involved in her care was appropriate. Let me count the ways it was not.

AvaRose · Sep 21, 2017

I walk away from both. Critiquing someone is RARELY constructive especially when you never give tips for improvement or any kind of positive reinforcement of things done well. And people who insult me don't need to know me or ever talk to me again. It's fine if you hate me for whatever but just leave me alone in that case and I'll be sure to do the same. I have NO patience for 99.99% of people.