Your Favorite one liner used with patients

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I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

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Specializes in Management, Emergency, Psych, Med Surg.

This may not be the right place to post this but I had a guy in the ER steal a prescription blank once and he wrote his own prescription and took it to the pharmacy. It said:

Mo-fine

One pound to go

And then he tried to forge a physician signature. We posted it in the pharmacy. We had a good laugh.

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I work in an open unit. The parents are told on admission that they aren't allowed at other patients bedsides and we aren't allowed to talk about other patients. Sometimes parents will ask how big another baby is, or what's wrong with them. If I have a good rapport with the parent I tell them that if I told them I'd have to kill them. Then I tell them that we aren't allowed to talk about other patients.

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Specializes in Med/Surg.
And last week I had a mom give birth for the first time. We got along right away. She simply held her breath for a second and smiled. Out popped baby.

I told her that some men show more facial expression while going to the bathroom.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I'm going to be smelling Pepsi for the next few hours!

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Specializes in Med/Surg.
I had a patient like that when I was working on Christmas Eve. She told me to 'go to hell' and I responded with "I'll see you there. Merry Christmas ! " :wink2:

I've had a resident tell me that once. I looked at her and said "I'm here aren't I? I thought the elevator dropped me off in the seventh circle. Shoot. I'll just go give Satan a piece of my mind!" After we both laughed I never had another problem with her again :D

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Specializes in Med Surg, Ortho, Tele, ICU, Hospice.

I like to play the straight man.

"Good to meet you, sorry it's here" is my favorite opener.

As a tech - "They don't let me play with anything fun, but if you need a soda or something I'm well qualified to get it."

LOL's come in with bruising/ raccoon eyes - "You're the tough old bird came in from that barfight huh?"

If they say "at least I'm alive," (and I stole this from a little old lady).. "they say the devil takes care of his own" :specs:

Worse yet, if they're clever too, it's usually worth a smile to admit that I've spent the day's allotment of one-liners!

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If the patient complains about the food I tell them it's part of our free, never failing weight loss system. Usually gets a chuckle.

And when greeting patients, "I'd ask how you are today, but you're in my ER so I guess that's saying something." ;)

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from my husband, during his emergency bedside echo...is it a boy or a girl?

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On cardiac step down unit when drawing arterial blood gases:

This is going to hurt like hell. I am really sorry, but if you hold still, it will be over sooner.

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Specializes in ICU, ER, EP,.

"I'm not going to beg you to take your meds and stay in bed resting your heart, you are welcome to go home AMA... should I get the paper?"

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Specializes in Emergency.

After inserting an IV in an anxious patient: Alright! I got it! Not bad for my first time!

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On discharge: "I'll miss you, but I hope I never see you again."

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In Home Health:

You don't have to go to the hospital, but when you pass out, I get to call the shots. I can wait.

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