Your Favorite one liner used with patients

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I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

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"...and then there's all that paperwork..."

and they dock my pay when I drop someone *sigh* it's gonna be a lean week...

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One of my patients had such a great sense of humor! We were talking about dentists while I was taking vitals, so of course I couldn't resist waiting a couple of seconds after he had the thermometer in his mouth before saying, "So isn't this where I'm supposed to ask you a question that has a long and complex answer that you cannot answer because you have something in your mouth?"

I often tell residents that I'm practicing to be a waitress--gotta wait until their mouth is full to ask a question. That way I get a smile-and-nod every time, never a complaint!

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Specializes in ICU, MedSurg, Medical Telemetry.

Whenever I admit patients to our floor and run through the checklist, I can tell that they're maybe answering questions a bit automatically or are nervous, so, in the same matter-of-fact voice, I'll ask a woman if she has a hx of prostate problems or a man if he is pregnant or has had a hysterectomy. Without fail, they'll stop, stare, and laugh. Then I say that if they have it in the future, to let me know so we can both make some money. It does a lot to lighten the mood. :lol2:

Also, we have dry erase boards that we're supposed to put our names on in a patient's room when we come in & introduce ourselves to them. I have an unusual, hard-to-remember name. So, I'll say "Hi, my name is franciscan gypsy, I'll be your nurse tonight. There will be a quiz at the end of the night."

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Specializes in Emergency.

After unhooking a patient from the IV pump, I will say "You are now free to move about the country."

To a frequent flyer who stated "Can't anyone do anything right around here?" I replied "Then you wouldn't have anyone to yell at." Cracked him up. Now we get along great!

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Specializes in LTC, drug and alcohol rehab.

If i cant get a medicine bottle open i always say they make these adult proof:lol2:

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I live in Oklahoma and lately we've had a few minor earthquakes.... But one morning during my clinicals on the post-partum floor we had a tiny earthquake (4.2 on the richter scale)- small but enough to feel it. Anyways, I walked into my patient's room and performed the daily assessment and asked when the last time she passed gas was- she blushed and said "about 5 minutes ago... I'm surprised you didn't hear it because it shook my whole bed!"..... lol, I just had the best day after that... I never did tell her that her "massive fart" was just a little gas supported by an earthquake. :)

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When doing my first SC injection on a patient, I lovingly said to the patient "You were my first, and I shall never forget you." Luckily my clinical intructor who was present laughed... could have easily gone the other way! lol

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NotWhen doing a throat swab I tell the kids"I'm going to tickle your throat"of course they always gag! That's when I say all excitedly"wow! That means I did it right, thanks for not coughing in my eyes!!" These kids are not feeling to great if they are getting a strep swab...but this usually gets me a satisfied grin.

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the best line a nurse ever used on me is when she was inserting a catheter and i asked it it would hurt.

she said, "NO"

the end.

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When I start a blood transfusion on my patients I tell them its only a loan and we'l slowly take it back. Ive also told a few patients who needed to be switched to different wards its because they didnt pay their rent. Makes them smile everytime :)

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Specializes in ICU, Home Health, Camp, Travel, L&D.

"I dunno, crystal ball's in the shop and the magic 8 ball says please try again"

**my standard reply to "how long until the baby's born (from someone not in labor, starting induction) or "how much does the baby weigh?" (before anything besides the head is out)

"10 is a mack truck running over you on Hwy 98, crushing your bones, leaving you for dead, 0 is no pain, how would you rate your pain"

**hardly anyone tells me 10.

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Specializes in ER, ICU, Home, pre-hospital.

A little "dark" humor : MANY years ago, as I was a newbie EMT-Paramedic, we had occasion to be called to an unconcious subject in an alleyway. "High crime" area of town, after quick assessment, decided the pt. was possibly OD'd on some "new" heroin that had hit town. After reviving the patient, while on the way to the hospital, the pt., now fully alert and answering questions, including telling us he didn't know exactly what had happened, but that he had been partying with some friends...(PS, he didn't seem like a "newbie"). Anyway, talking now, when asked if he had any other complaints or pain said something like, "you know, my A_S (bottom) hurts". My partner, without missing a beat said, " Well, I hate to be the one to tell you, but while YOU have been doing heroin, your buddies were doing crack". My jaw hit the floor.

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