Your Favorite one liner used with patients

[scaredofshots]

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

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[ZippyGBR, BSN, RN]

when an eagerly anticipated long overdue rather impressive bm is produced i tell my pts that the newspaper will be in to take their picture

the term we have been known to use is 'not so much as result as a delivery' ...

[ZippyGBR, BSN, RN]

While pulling tape off male patients, "This won't hurt any more than giving birth" They are too embarrased at that point to whine!

or ' I bet you didn't realise you were going to get a free wax as well '

[ZippyGBR, BSN, RN]

If I have just given a handfull of pills to a patient (common in psych), I'll ask if they rattle when they walk. That usually gets a smile. One fellow cracked himself and me up when he answered, "Oh, I thought it was gas."

or 'it is right i am part of a conspiracy to make you rattle as you walk '

[ZippyGBR, BSN, RN]

I've often remarked to patients that the spinal unit is the 'Reverse Big Brother House' becasue the 'prize' is getting 'voted out' at ward round by all of Nursing, the Doctors, PT ,OT and Social Work

[Zippyy]

My grandma's favorite saying (when someone is uncomfortable..usually a college-aged male undressing in front of her).

"I have raised 5 sons and if you have something I haven't seen before I'll pay you to let me see it"

Or my saying...ive seen more member' than a hooker....im not gonna be shocked

you aint got nothing im not gonna see 10 times over in the next hour

:)

[No Stars In My Eyes]

All of us have had that male patient with wandering hands. I say, pointing to my elbow: "You see that elbow?" (they say "yeah....) "Well, anything from that elbow to my fingertips, you can touch. EVERYTHING ELSE is off-limits!"

[gentlegiver, ASN, LPN, RN]

For those who ask if the water I give with thier meds is cold: "I chipped if off the glacier just for you!"

For those who make faces when I give them thier meds: "They can put a man on the moon but still can't make medicine taste good. Pity!"

[Jenni811, RN]

Giving a patient a Golytely--- "I never understand why they call it this. Why can't they just call it as it is? Go-lotly." (Usually get a kick out of that)...

Once golytely is done-- "You just cleaned out your supper from your high school graduation!"

[Jenni811, RN]

Another one i really like is whenever i do a bladder scan before on a MALE i'll say something like "Its a boy!!!"

...Usually not to funny on a female unless you have an elderly lady with a sense of humor haha.

[cathrn64]

I am a home care nurse. When I discharge pt's I say "I hope to never see you again" or " I"ll see you at Wallmart" I also tell pt's with chronic conditions "I hope to never see you again, but if you need me, I'll be back. You can take that as a threat or a promise!"

[HumanContract]

When on says "I pay your salary" say "can I get a raise"

LOVE THIS!!!

[Bill E. Rubin]

We had a pt with a long and complicated illness who was just the nicest guy and always appreciative of everything that was done for him. All the nurses loved him and couldn't do enough for him. He also has a good sense of humor.... I walked by his bed while going to care for his roommate when another nurse was dressing his foot. He had a toe missing and a hole where the toe was, osteomyelitis in the foot... Anyway, as I walked by and looked at his foot, I said, "Holy foot Batman!" Got a laugh out of him.