Your Favorite one liner used with patients

[scaredofshots]

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

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[BanoraWhite]

i once had a patient who complained from the moment i came in the door about every thing. she became very angry when i did not respond to her obvious attemp at provoking me. so, she exclaimed "you have a very nasty attitude" to which i replied " yes, ma'am, so do you.":lol2:

i had a patient like that when i was working on christmas eve. she told me to 'go to hell' and i responded with "i'll see you there. merry christmas ! " :wink2:

[twistedpupchaser]

I was once told that I'm not very nice, my reply left the Pt speechless.

"You can have nice or goodlooking, not both!"

Needless to say my supervisor took a dim view of my wit. (Not for the first time.)

[franciscangypsy]

Some of my favorite one liners for patients:

While taking a patient's blood sugar: "So... what's your bet today?"

AND When patients complain that they don't have any blood left to give: "What are you talking about? It's not like you need blood to live or anything..."

If the blood sugar is high: "Have you been sneaking in donuts when I wasn't looking?" (followed by a dramatic look around the room)

Coming to reattach the tele monitor leads for the 100th time: "You miss me?" OR "You see, if I don't reattach this, you're going to make the monitor techs think you're dead or something."

To a patient who is taking a walk per doctor's orders: "You running away?"

[franciscangypsy]

Oh. Lol. This one was actually a mistake: I was doing an admission to my floor and got to the question about suicide. I asked the patient: "Have you ever thought of committing suicide or committed suicide in the past?" The patient looked at me and said seriously, "Of course I committed suicide before." And then he, his family, my preceptor and I all laughed.

Whoops.

[JentheOBRN]

We tag-team the preps for our scheduled C-Sections....when 2 of us walk in together one of us will almost always say..."This is "Ms. Smith" she's from housekeeping, and she'll be putting in your IV...or foley...etc. The first timers look scared and the vets laugh their heads off!!! It really helps break the ice.

Jennifer

[fetch33]

When taking off all of the surrounding tape from an IV site, especially on those with hairy arms... I say "this is the free complimentary waxing that we provide"... everyone usually giggles.

I always say... 'women pay good money for this'

[sethmctenn]

I had a patient who insisted that only the Lortab with the blue speckles work. None of the other generics do a thing. When he asked what the speckles were made of I told him retsyn like in certs

[ShyViolet]

When I get a good blood sugar from one of my little grammies, I say "Awww, like I thought. You're perfectly sweet."

When DTing patients start yanking their Foleys I say "If you yank that thing out then we'll need a urologist to put a bigger one in" or "If you pull that out then you can kiss goodbye all the good things your member does for you."

"If you could sleep at night in an ICU, you might get too content and never want to leave" or "We have to make it miserable. It motivates you to get better and leave."

When delirious patients claim they've called the cops (we don't have phones in our ICU rooms) I like to say "That's fine, I'm the judge's favorite niece."

"I'm going to put a cool, refreshing stethoscope on your chest and make sure you've got a heart."

After having taken care of a man in end-stage liver disease every night for several weeks and only speaking to his wife on the phone, I finally met her one night when she stopped by after work. I introduced myself by saying "I'm the 25-year-old blonde who's been spending the night with your husband."

I once introduced myself to a lovely little old man and said "I'm just going to have to give you a little look-over and you can go back to sleep," to which he replied "Fair enough, I'm giving you a look-over right now."

When men ask if something will hurt, I say "No more than childbirth, and it'll be a lot quicker."

[weezledawg]

Alright, I'll make you a deal. I'll give you this Dilaudid and you agree to keep breathing, OK?

[ellakate]

After catheterization, while attaching the leg bag or bedside drainage bag, I look at the patient very seriously and ask, "Do you know the most difficult thing about wearing a catheter bag?" Then I tell them, "Finding shoes to match!" (I need to get out more, because I crack myself up with that one.)

[Jess1990]

When doing circ obs on a post-op spinal, he starts wiggling his feet before i even get the sheets off. I say, your a bit keen to prove you can wiggle your toes, to which he respons with, sweetheart, that isnt my feet thats keen

It had me, my buddy nurse and the patient in stitches =)

[suanna]

I have occasionally told my post-op CABG patients who are reluctant to C/DB " if they don't start cough'n better they are going to end up in one" (coffin).