Who is/did go to Nursing School for freedom from a spouse?

Trauma Columnist · May 4, 2005

Manna - there seems to be a common thread among all the posters - you and the children have to be safe. Its got to be your choice. We are all here for you. Please take care of yourself.

GrnHonu99, RN · May 4, 2005

RoxanRN2003,
Don't worry about offending anyone. If I hear something enough times, maybe I'll accept it.
Re: schools. Actually, they are part of the public school system and free.
I can squirrel away some money, but probably not much more than a few hundred dollars. One point in my favor is that I've got excellent credit and several credit cards that belong solely to me with high credit limits and no balances. My mom would also be able to LEND me any amount of money I might need, is local and can help with the kids.
As for him moving to Canada, there are reciprocal child support laws between Canada and my state so he wouldn't be hiding from his obligations in that way. (Alimony may be a different story.) I just can't imagine what the kids would think about it all.
I'm getting closer to making the break. Like I said, I already tried telling him once I wanted out. It took alot to work up the courage to do that and then it got me nowhere. Ugh! Now I have to work up to it again. But his emotional blackmail isn't going to work. He said it's up to me, so it would be my fault if he moves out of the kids lives.Yeah, right! Nope, that's not gonna work here. Frankly, it might work out great for me if he does move and I get sole custody.
I just took my A&P 1 and psyche finals (I should have A's in both) and have almost 2 weeks before the summer session starts. I'm taking this time to fix up the house since it's going to have to be sold. It needs all new blinds, paint, and the kitchen is half wallpapered and has a naked floor awaiting tile. This stuff (and more) would never get done if I filed first.
I'm getting there. The day is getting closer and closer. I think summer while the kids are out of school would be best for them. Heck, they're out of school in less than 2 weeks.
I need all the encouragement I can get. Thanks guys.

wow it is erie to find others like myself, I grew up in a suburb of Cincinnati that is usually considered upper middle class....in school my sister and I lived in a nice house, had everything we needed...etc...my mom was in the same awful situation with my dad, he was drunk every night of the week, verbally abusive, didnt let her have any independence....it was awful but she was concerned about finances if she left...she thought it would hurt us bc all of our friends had so much and if she left we would by no means be rich...but let me say this...you may be suprised that your children would rather be away from him and less finanically stable than with him and afraid all the time...

being the product of my parents abusive marriage i can honestly say the longer my mom stayed the worse it got, by the end my mom had to call the cops bc my dads violence against us was escalating...it was the final straw, she took my sister and i (12 and16) and moved us to a condo...it was hard at first but we made it and it was such a relief...you could see an instant change in mysister and i...once you are gone and out of the situation you will actually begin to realize the horror of the situation...to this day i dont speak to my father...he has so many of his own issues to work out that he makes it impossible to have a relationship with him....it has taken me years and years to overcome somethings hes said to me and everyday is a battle in my relationship (im 25 now and in a wonderful relationship) not to let my past haunt me...im extremely lucky that ive chosen a man unlike my father in every way...

i guess what im saying is i've been where your kids are now....staying, even if it means more money isnt worth it in the long run...the emotional and physical damage your husband is inflicting upon you and your children is worth no amount of money....once we moved into our condo it was like a whole new family, we could actually breathe (and im sure you know what i mean by that) we could be a normal family and for those few years before i left for college were the best i could have asked for! Turns out none of my friends cared that we no longer lived in a big beautiful home or didnt drive the nice cars...good luck...i hope everything turns out all right for you!

tntrn, ASN, RN · May 4, 2005

:cry: Wow! I am (almost) unable to type after reading all the posts. Nearly 30 years ago, I was in a young marriage to an man, who became abusive soon after we married. Three years after we married our daughter was born. Now, mind you, 30 years ago, spousal abuse wasn't a thing that anybody ever heard much about. If you called the police, they just wrote it down as a spat. No support groups, nobody to talk to, no way out. "Till death do you part" sounds good except sometimes it takes on a very dark reality. A couple of years after the baby was born, I started nursing school. The abuse continued, but not as often. I don't know exactly why it seemed to wane while I was in school. I got pregnant again about 3 months before graduation, and about that time realized all of a sudden, I was going to have the possibility of supporting myself and my kids "if it came to that."

About then also, he began accusing me of going to school just so I could leave him. I guess when he started that, I started to think about it and shizam! he was right! That changed my whole mind set.

We did the counseling thing. He always approached it as to how much I was doing wrong or not doing at all...He was never part of the problem. I was 1500 miles from home and thought I was hiding how unhappy I was from my family.

After graduation I started working, the next baby was born and the abuse continued. Finally when the baby was 13 months old, he decided to leave (thinking I'd find out how much I really wanted and needed him :chuckle ) and life as I now know it began.

I had my nursing job (have never considered myself to be a career woman) to pay the bills. I met wonderful, supportive people there and had a terrific support system in my church. I raised those kids for 8 years by myself, no financial help from anybody. We had NO money left at the end of the month, but we had ourselves, happy to be together and safe.

I met a wonderful man about that time, and I'm happy to say we'll celebrate our 20th anniversary this summer. He's not threatened by strong women; and if I wanted to be the main breadwinner, he'd be more than happy to be the house-husband, and he would be great at it. As it is, he is able to make way more than I ever could as a nurse, so I am blessed to work per diem, and keep things running at home.

The posts from those of you who lived with parents who were destined for divorce have lifted my spirits. Not because you were subjected to such things, but because I have often wondered if I did the right thing by separating from their father. He wasn't a good father and still isn't. My daughter, 33 in two weeks, seems him only occasionally and only now after many years of not hearing from him at all. My son, now 28, never sees him, refuses to see him, and when he was 18, legally changed his last name to that of his stepfather. Both our (meaning current husband and me) kids are well-adjusted, happy young adults. Both have indicated to me and others they were glad to see him walk out the door, although my son was too little to know it at the time. His later experiences with him helped him form that opinion.

My husband has told many people that I bent over backwards to not badmouth the ex. I wanted the children to form their own opinions, based on their own experiences and observations. I believe they have done that.

In closing, I would urge the OP and others in this situation to get some counseling, JUST FOR YOU. If the spouse won't go with you, GO ANYWAY! And any counselor worth anything would have separate counseling sessions with each of you anyway. Good luck! You can choose to be a victim forever or you can choose to be a survivor! Be a survivor!

jenrninmi, MSN, RN · May 4, 2005

I know I've replied already but, what do you do when the abuse isn't physical, he rarely does name calling (but it has happened and more and more as time goes on), but is still really controlling? He's a great dad when he's there...he's in the National Guard and is gone ~ 1/3 of the year - not all at one time but it's a week here and there. I love it when he's gone. I feel guilty for it but, I love my freedom. I get very stressed when he's about to come home and he's been gone for a while. I don't have to answer to anyone, I don't have him telling me what I can and can't do. (It's not illegal behavior I'm portraying here). Is this an attitude I have to change?

We've been married 11.5 years, have a 7 and 6-year-old. I'm not so much worried about the financial aspect. I know I can live off of a RN's pay but it is less than 1/2 what my husband earn. No big deal to me. But I am really unhappy with the marriage.

GrnHonu99, RN · May 4, 2005

I know I've replied already but, what do you do when the abuse isn't physical, he rarely does name calling (but it has happened and more and more as time goes on), but is still really controlling? He's a great dad when he's there...he's in the National Guard and is gone ~ 1/3 of the year - not all at one time but it's a week here and there. I love it when he's gone. I feel guilty for it but, I love my freedom. I get very stressed when he's about to come home and he's been gone for a while. I don't have to answer to anyone, I don't have him telling me what I can and can't do. (It's not illegal behavior I'm portraying here). Is this an attitude I have to change?
We've been married 11.5 years, have a 7 and 6-year-old. I'm not so much worried about the financial aspect. I know I can live off of a RN's pay but it is less than 1/2 what my husband earn. No big deal to me. But I am really unhappy with the marriage.

Jen-im sorry you are so unhappy:( just remember that even if there is no physical abuse, emotional abuse can do just as much if not more damage...if my dad just physically abused me it would have been one thing (physical abuse is awful in itself) but what hurt the most was the emotional abuse...the name calling, the hurtful words that after awhile you begin to believe, it has taken me a lifetime to undo those ideas and stop hearing those hurtful words, hell im still working on it...anyway, abuse is abuse no matter what form it comes in...your husband should be your best friend, he should support you and love you like no one else can....even if you leave your k ids can still have a relationship with their father and im sure theyd rather see you happy than miserable. good luck!!!! keep us posted...

twinmommy+2, ADN, BSN, MSN · May 4, 2005

I never entered NS to get away from my husband, but to be financially stable enough that if something were to happen to him or to us that I know I can take care of myself and the girls. Thankfully for the most part he is very supportive, athough we do have our rough patches (I almost left twice during school, lets just say don't cuss me out infront of the kids).

I feel that NS has made me more certain in my own mind of what is happening around me. I would have things turned around on me in a conversation so that I didn't feel even sane anymore. But after all these classes I know that I have a really good head on my shoulders.

Do you feel the same way?

alexillytom · May 4, 2005

I never entered NS to get away from my husband, but to be financially stable enough that if something were to happen to him or to us that I know I can take care of myself and the girls. Thankfully for the most part he is very supportive, athough we do have our rough patches (I almost left twice during school, lets just say don't cuss me out infront of the kids).
I feel that NS has made me more certain in my own mind of what is happening around me. I would have things turned around on me in a conversation so that I didn't feel even sane anymore. But after all these classes I know that I have a really good head on my shoulders.
Do you feel the same way?

I agree twinmommy+1

A major motivating factor in returning to school was to have the ability to take care of my children in the event that something went wrong in my marriage or my husband passed away. I believe in preparing for the worst case scenario. At my previous job, if something did happen, I would not have been financially able to support my children even with child support (if I divorced) or life insurance (if my husband passed away).

live4today, RN · May 4, 2005

are any of you that have done that going to follow through?
my husband is very controlling.......................................we have been together 15 years and have 2 children together so i have to consider them into my decision...............................................he told me i would never complete ns has been my driving force to be successful. he makes the money so he thinks he has the power over me...................................................
the closer i get to graduation the more and more i am thinking about divorcing him. the only thing stopping me is my kids. we don't really have any kind of relationship.....we don't talk, we don't do anything together and i am actually to the point where i hate his guts. he is telling me all the time that i have to watch what i spend but yet he just went out and bought him a $27,000. dollar gas guzzler truck.......................................he makes me feel like i am loosing my mind and i start to doubt myself. he has never supported anything that i have done.
i am so upset that i have been crying for the past week and have been unable to contrate on studying for my finals which is next monday. i want to talk to him but i am so hurt that i know i would be bumbling idiot in trying to get my point across..............................should i tell him that in a couple of months i won't need his money. i know that would be hateful but i am to that point where i just want to get back at him.............................any advice whatsoever would be highly appreciated!
do you think he is feeling threatened because he will no longer have the power over me that he has had the past two years?

wow! your post really hit home for me. not with my second (current) marriage (that's another thread entirely :uhoh3: )..........but with my first marriage. :rolleyes:

i didn't have the money problems you mention as i had complete control over the finances (or so he led me to believe i did anyway). he never stopped me from going to school, or paying for my schooling, but he did try and reduce me to the size of an ant every chance he got with his constant putting me down...telling me i would never finish college...telling me if i left him, nobody would want me...all i would find would be "wooden nickels" compared to him...he drank, he insulted me, he was soooooooo insecure, and he had several college degrees and a great job that paid really well. it still wasn't enough for him. he was jealous, and very insecure. he was also afraid i'd leave him for a doctor. ha!!! we nurses know what a joke that storyline has always been. :rolleyes:

we had three children to consider, but i was the only one considering those kids..........not him. he was into himself and himself only. the drama is much too long to get into here, but i'd like to leave you with this advice:

in retrospect, when i eventually put his "drama" of attacking me together, i learned he was already in another relationship with a woman he worked with, and that woman was pregnant with his son. he supposedly married her before our divorce was even final (according to what his mother told me after everything was said and done). i learned (in retrospect of course) that he was setting me up for the kill. he wanted me crushed so badly that by the time i learned of his infidelity and his hiding of financial funds i had no clue even existed in a bank account somewhere, it would be too late. i was much too weak and stomped on to stand up to him in a good fight when the divorce procedure started. it was years after the divorce, and i was still learning things about what he had "in secret" that i was to never find out about. :stone talk about a jerry springer moment. i lived it...raw...in the flesh...with a broken spirit, and broken heart.

do yourself and your kids a favor, and zip your lips when talking to your husband about how you might leave him and hurt him, etc. keep that information to yourself. don't even tell your best friend or family. just do it when the time is right for you. i have a feeling your husband has already "set up a nest egg" for himself that won't include you and the children. start tucking away some money, smack yourself to wake up and concentrate on those studies so you can have a means to take care of yourself and your children once you pass state boards. do not let your husband or his behavior get in the way of that goal. you are going to need it sooner than you might think. it's my gut instinct on this, and it usually has never failed me since i learned from "the devil himself"........that devil was my first husband. :angryfire

if you think the family court system is going to be on your side, think again. get your ducks in order, and start researching how to protect you and the kids.

stop listening to him put you down! it's all part of the game sweetheart. he is acting on his own insecurities, and people with personalities like his love to prey on and tear down those they are fearful of "having more power" than themselves. use your power wisely woman. women are only as stupid and dumb as we allow a man to convince us we are.

and.........not all men are that way, so don't allow yourself to become distrustful of all men as you move through life. some of them actually have a heart capable of truly loving the one they are with. :)

nurse4theplanet, RN · May 5, 2005

I am reading all these posts (as a newlywedd since July-my husband has been in Iraq since one month after our marriage btw) and I am just shocked at how many women out there can id with this type of situation. It makes me sooooo sad and sooooooooo tearful. I wish I could just hug you all. I can say my BIGGEST fear is divorce, especially since my husband has been my rock since I was 15, and I am now 22. Currently, he is very supportive of my schooling, my individuality, and my feelings...but he does have his controlling tendencies mostly due to insecurities. I try to keep those in check and he seems to sort of think about what he's done and then we come to mutual agreements about what is and is not acceptable for EITHER of us to do. I was just wondering...as his parents are divorced and mine do not speak to us....what advice can you give me? Do you all think that the marriage began to change after the vows or after children? Do you think that your decision to acheive independence through education made it worse? I am still caught up in the newlywedd phase having not been able to enjoy my husband and I want to know what you guys think? I've heard people say they just don't know when it went wrong but it can't be fixed....like I said that is my biggest fear!!!!

smk1, LPN · May 5, 2005

i agree with cheerfuldoer! If you are really close to graduation (and you and the kids are not being physically abused) keep him in the dark until after you graduate and pay to sit for nclex. Plan how you will leave NOW! Don't tell him and give him another means of controlling you ( leaving you with no way to complete school on time). You are close to being able to provide for yourself and the kids, whatever you do DO NOT GIVE THAT AWAY!

jenrninmi, MSN, RN · May 5, 2005

I am reading all these posts (as a newlywedd since July-my husband has been in Iraq since one month after our marriage btw) and I am just shocked at how many women out there can id with this type of situation. It makes me sooooo sad and sooooooooo tearful. I wish I could just hug you all. I can say my BIGGEST fear is divorce, especially since my husband has been my rock since I was 15, and I am now 22. Currently, he is very supportive of my schooling, my individuality, and my feelings...but he does have his controlling tendencies mostly due to insecurities. I try to keep those in check and he seems to sort of think about what he's done and then we come to mutual agreements about what is and is not acceptable for EITHER of us to do. I was just wondering...as his parents are divorced and mine do not speak to us....what advice can you give me? Do you all think that the marriage began to change after the vows or after children? Do you think that your decision to acheive independence through education made it worse? I am still caught up in the newlywedd phase having not been able to enjoy my husband and I want to know what you guys think? I've heard people say they just don't know when it went wrong but it can't be fixed....like I said that is my biggest fear!!!!

Hi there, I was in the "honeymoon phase" after ~4years right before I became pregnant with my first child. He was active military too by the way and he VOLUNTEERED to be deployed during my pregnancy. He did make it back in time for the delivery but my trust in him started to deplete right then. I was alone in a different state, no family, very little support from "friends" taking care of a house, working full-time, school full-time, 2 cats and a very active dog. I learned during that time that I could take care of myself. It was very hard on me and I don't know if I can ever forgive him for abandoning me. There are other times he's abandoned me as well since, like after my second child was born, I was feeling very overwhelmed and was crying - bawling actually- and he just left the hospital because he wanted to get home. Things like this are what bothers me about him. He chooses to help complete strangers over his family. He thinks his actions are totally right in his mind, everyone else is wrong. He has a very rigid personality and is difficult to deal with at home, at work with his co-workers, in the National Guard with his military peers, everywhere. He also always says, "Name one couple that has a perfect marriage". And that everyother guy out there is going to have baggage and if I'm looking for someone perfect to just forget it...blah, blah, blah. I've rambled on enought now. I didn't mean to take over the conversation. Good luck everyone! :smackingf

nurse4theplanet, RN · May 5, 2005

Hi there, I was in the "honeymoon phase" after ~4years right before I became pregnant with my first child. He was active military too by the way and he VOLUNTEERED to be deployed during my pregnancy. He did make it back in time for the delivery but my trust in him started to deplete right then. I was alone in a different state, no family, very little support from "friends" taking care of a house, working full-time, school full-time, 2 cats and a very active dog. I learned during that time that I could take care of myself. It was very hard on me and I don't know if I can ever forgive him for abandoning me. There are other times he's abandoned me as well since, like after my second child was born, I was feeling very overwhelmed and was crying - bawling actually- and he just left the hospital because he wanted to get home. Things like this are what bothers me about him. He chooses to help complete strangers over his family. He thinks his actions are totally right in his mind, everyone else is wrong. He has a very rigid personality and is difficult to deal with at home, at work with his co-workers, in the National Guard with his military peers, everywhere. He also always says, "Name one couple that has a perfect marriage". And that everyother guy out there is going to have baggage and if I'm looking for someone perfect to just forget it...blah, blah, blah. I've rambled on enought now. I didn't mean to take over the conversation. Good luck everyone! :smackingf

My husband didn't volunteer but I know that if he had I would have felt like I meant nothing to him...He is very homesick and we both feel we were cheated out of our first yr of marriage....we were planning our wedding when we were BOTH deployed btw...moved up the date...then I was sent home before he made it overseas...and I would give anything to be with him right now. I worry that his time over there will change him. A girl in my class, her husband just came back. He was also overseas while she was pregnant and she complains of the same things you have in your post, about him being so distant from his family but yet wanting to help every other poor soul that he comes across. Although my husband is amazing, we have not yet lived together as a married couple with all the stresses that come along with it, and I worry about when he comes home if we will be able to adjust. I don't want it to end before it can begin...you know.

:crying2: