Are any of you that have done that going to follow through?
My husband is very controlling. I never really noticed it until being in school. I had some indication that he was somewhat prior to school that way but didn't realize how much until now. We have been together 15 years and have 2 children together so I have to consider them into my decision. I have worked the whole time we have been together except for the past 2 years while attending NS. That along with the time that he told me I would never complete NS has been my driving force to be successful. He makes the money so he thinks he has the power over me. I have to give an explanation for any money that I spend. I don't go out shopping everyday #1 b/c I don't have the time and #2 I tend to spend money that I could spend on me on my children. I have an alotted 40$/week and that covers gas and any misc. groceries that I need to purchase while he's gone. BTW he's an OTR truck driver so he is gone more than he is home which at times has left me broke several times when I have needed to take the kids to the doctor or buy OTC meds for them and when you figure in the price of gas these days it leaves me 20$.
The closer I get to graduation the more and more I am thinking about divorcing him. The only thing stopping me is my kids. We don't really have any kind of relationship.....we don't talk, we don't do anything together and I am actually to the point where I hate his guts. He is telling me all the time that I have to watch what I spend but yet he just went out and bought him a $27,000. dollar gas guzzler truck. BTW I would not have known about it until he drove up in the driveway had it not been for an email. He also tells me that I don't tell him things about what I am doing yet I do.........he makes me feel like I am loosing my mind and I start to doubt myself. He has never supported anything that I have done.
I am so upset that I have been crying for the past week and have been unable to contrate on studying for my finals which is next Monday. I want to talk to him but I am so hurt that I know I would be bumbling idiot in trying to get my point across.
Any advice on how to get my point across of how he has hurt me over the past two years? I feel like we are more of burden to him than anything else. Should I tell him that in a couple of months I won't need his money. I know that would be hateful but I am to that point where I just want to get back at him.
Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations and any advice whatsoever would be highly appreciated! Do you think he is feeling threatened because he will no longer have the power over me that he has had the past two years?
Are any of you that have done that going to follow through?
My husband is very controlling. I never really noticed it until being in school. I had some indication that he was somewhat prior to school that way but didn't realize how much until now. We have been together 15 years and have 2 children together so I have to consider them into my decision. I have worked the whole time we have been together except for the past 2 years while attending NS. That along with the time that he told me I would never complete NS has been my driving force to be successful. He makes the money so he thinks he has the power over me. I have to give an explanation for any money that I spend. I don't go out shopping everyday #1 b/c I don't have the time and #2 I tend to spend money that I could spend on me on my children. I have an alotted 40$/week and that covers gas and any misc. groceries that I need to purchase while he's gone. BTW he's an OTR truck driver so he is gone more than he is home which at times has left me broke several times when I have needed to take the kids to the doctor or buy OTC meds for them and when you figure in the price of gas these days it leaves me 20$.
The closer I get to graduation the more and more I am thinking about divorcing him. The only thing stopping me is my kids. We don't really have any kind of relationship.....we don't talk, we don't do anything together and I am actually to the point where I hate his guts. He is telling me all the time that I have to watch what I spend but yet he just went out and bought him a $27,000. dollar gas guzzler truck. BTW I would not have known about it until he drove up in the driveway had it not been for an email. He also tells me that I don't tell him things about what I am doing yet I do.........he makes me feel like I am loosing my mind and I start to doubt myself. He has never supported anything that I have done.
I am so upset that I have been crying for the past week and have been unable to contrate on studying for my finals which is next Monday. I want to talk to him but I am so hurt that I know I would be bumbling idiot in trying to get my point across.
Any advice on how to get my point across of how he has hurt me over the past two years? I feel like we are more of burden to him than anything else. Should I tell him that in a couple of months I won't need his money. I know that would be hateful but I am to that point where I just want to get back at him.
Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations and any advice whatsoever would be highly appreciated! Do you think he is feeling threatened because he will no longer have the power over me that he has had the past two years?
I did that...and the kids... they will accept what they see in your marriage as "normal"... something to think about... I feel that seeing you happy, strong and self-sufficient will be a better scenario than the current one, but that is just my opinion, because I saw it happen to my children... good luck in all you do...
I love the comment - I believe we've outgrown each other. Or more like in my situation, one of us "grew up" and the other one didn't. Ha! :chuckle
My husband and I are on the verge of divorce as well. Control issues, criticism, dishonesty... you name it. I was trying to hold onto the marriage until at least the end of school (next May) due to financial reasons - he works, I don't. However, I'm afraid that if we divorced he would "disappear" or at least not work regularly. Doesn't look like that's going to happen - just in the past two weeks it's like a mine went off...
The saddest part is I have two sad little boys who want/need a Daddy, and it appears that he has other priorities than parenthood right now.
I've noticed that going through nursing school has made me much more independent and introspective. It has given me the power to stand up for myself and say "enough!" I never had the confidence to do that before, or I never reflected objectively enough on my own situation to realize what needed to be done...
Sorry to hear about your situation, and my apologies for going off on a tangent about mine. I think those that suggested counseling had a good idea. Otherwise, I think you have a tough decision on your hands...
I am sure most of us married couples have wanted to throb our spouse every now and then. Who hasn't at one point cursed their spose under their breath, or to their face even. These things happen. Sure marriage is a bumpy ride. Perhaps the divorce rate would be even higher than it is if we all were living on inflated celebrity-like salaries. But that is not the case for most and will not certainly be for you on your nurse's salary.
But if you've been together for 15, surely you have an idea if indeed your husband is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. If it is a case of constantly feeling belittled or feeling uncomforatble around him, to include intimacy, for whatever reason, then I would have to ask myself, "can this be changed for the better through marriage counseling and open communication"? Will he be open to it? Well the only way you'll find out is by having a heart to heart.
So, my point is talk about it now. Talk about after you graduate. Then, talk about it some more because if there is a chance that your children could be impacted with/by your decision then you need to do whatever it takes to know that you tried your damnedest to make it work. It's my belief that we owe, at least, this much to our children. So talk to him and let him know your needs. We all have them. He'll never know unless you tell it.
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
I am of the belief I should always have something to "call my own"....meaning, Yes, I went to nursing school in order to be able to always support myself, should the need arise. "Dependent on no man", is my motto. And I live it.
That said, I have a wonderful marriage to an amazing and kind man. No complaints. But, if something were to happen to him; or our marriage, I would always have the means to care for myself. That feels immeasureably good. You never know what may happen.........but..................
I have been where you are; I was married the first time to a controlling freak. I did not see it for a while. I just turned a blind eye and blamed myself, trying all the time to please him. It got harder and harder to do. He kept getting worse and worse and when I finally did leave, he got extremely physically abusive. The police had to be called. It was really ugly.
Thank God I got out of it. No looking back for me. Controlling people rarely change. You have dealt with this 15 years so you know better than I your situation. I think thr writing is clearly on the wall. And, I don't blame you for having a "way out" for yourself; I think you are smart. Life is way too short to put up with control freaks and others with problems like your husband has. You have a right to happiness and peace.
By all means, if he will go for counseling, go for it. If not, consider your options, of which you have exactly two: staying the rest of your life with a person like this or divorcing and moving on to happiness of your own making. I wish you all the best; just know YOU DO DESERVE BETTER, and SO DO YOUR KIDS!!! They deserve to see their mom happy.
Congratulations on graduating school------it's a new start for you, you know? I wish you much luck.
It sounds like a bit of mental abuse may be going on in your house. If I were you I would "PROUDLY" pass my boards, get a job, get an apartment and then have a conversation with this guy that starts something like this..."you know all that crap you have been putting me through all these years, well guess what, it stops now, today, forever otherwise you will be coming home to an empty house to wash your own clothes, cook your own meals...and after spending all week on the road I will be happy to drop the kids off every Friday night for your share of the parenting while I go out with girls to find a guy who is going to love me and respect me for the beautiful, intelegent person that I am...
While I agree with Dave's intent here, I probably would phrase it differently (no offense, Dave :) ). If this is something you decide to do, remember to use 'I' statements. If you don't feel you can talk to him face-to-face, write it in a letter (still using 'I' statements). I would also advise if you do decide to talk/write him, be ready to leave in a heartbeat (escape plan) and never return. Who knows how he may react. He may realize the shmuck he's been (doubtful) and agree to counseling to change is ways or he may fly into a rage and start hitting you or your children or both or even worse. Your city/county/state has organizations to assist you in these matters.
I wish I could say more, but I've never been where you are at. Aside from a few words of well-intended advice, I can only offer my shoulder for you to cry on and my ear to bend.
While I agree with Dave's intent here, I probably would phrase it differently (no offense, Dave :) ). If this is something you decide to do, remember to use 'I' statements. If you don't feel you can talk to him face-to-face, write it in a letter (still using 'I' statements). I would also advise if you do decide to talk/write him, be ready to leave in a heartbeat (escape plan) and never return. Who knows how he may react. He may realize the shmuck he's been (doubtful) and agree to counseling to change is ways or he may fly into a rage and start hitting you or your children or both or even worse. Your city/county/state has organizations to assist you in these matters.
Roxan
I totally agree with Roxan. A normal rational person would take Dave's way of putting it in the right way, but when you're dealing with a control freak, it's liable to backfire. He already (from what you said in the post) thinks you (OP) are dependent on him and he has you under his thumb; laying down the law might just make him worse. I'd totally go with Roxan's way of putting it, and MOST DEFINITELY have a plan B to get the hell out of Dodge (with kids..which he may very well use as emotional blackmail) if need be.
Hang in there and keep your eye on the prize. No matter how tough things are emotionally right now, you cannot afford to give up on school..for lots of reasons. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping things work out for the best for you!
I love Dr. Phil and he always tells people that it is better to be alone and healthy than together and sick.
My husband and I are not getting along the best right now. He thinks that I voluntarily put all of my time into school. He thinks I am an overachiever and that I get some sort of personal satisfaction out of spending 4 or 5 hours on a careplan and having to look up 25 drugs and 10 abnormal labs. He has no idea of the stress I am under and how hard my classes are. He thinks that because I do well that it can't be that hard. He is a great guy and I would never leave him, but I think the idea of me being financially independent is threatening to him. I don't mean that like I will keep my finances seperate from his, but more that I could support myself if need be. His family is full of divorce so he has that mentality. I just grit my teeth and move on day to day.
Sorry that I had that big catharsis on top of your situation Grin....
Specializes in rehab; med/surg; l&d; peds/home care.
(((Grinnurse))))
i too have been where you are. i suffered for 7 years in my marriage.
when i was first married, i moved across country to be with him (military). he had my phone line disconnected, my internet turned off, my car stolen when i threatened to leave. i had all access to bank accounts stopped, so that i had to ask for money, and was usually denied. (the military didn't help the bank situation at first). i was followed to work, because i worked l&d, and had to go in my street clothes, so he thought i was cheating and going to the bar. if i was at home on call, and got called in for a section at 3 am, he most certainly had a fit. he was mandated to counseling, and i sought help through the military chaplain. he got therapy, we had kids, and it got worse. we had years of counseling. it ended when he was screaming at me for spending 10 dollars on a pizza, i locked myself in the bathroom and he proceeded to break the door down and hold me up against the wall by my neck until i passed out.
i was lucky in that i was a LPN before i got married. i am in school again for my RN, and i am a single mom to two preschoolers. i have a lot of medical problems that make it difficult sometimes to function, but i have good parents to help me when i really need it. i have also met and have been in a relationship with a very caring, generous person for the past year and a half.
i too stuggle with feelings of guilt of having two children and struggling to survive. after the physical abuse, it was a no brainer to leave, but i still feel guilty for my children. i didn't want them to grow up in an abusive environment either. i figure its better for them to have a mother who is happy (and alive!).
so i can't tell you what to do, but i sure can tell you that i can relate to what you're going through. please take care of yourself, and know that you deserve to be happy. don't let anyone tell you different. keep up your studies, and good luck to you.
I'm going to say this, what i've learned in my life about marriage involving children.
My parents got married because my mother was pregnant. They stayed married because of me for 8 years. I cannot recall any kisses, smiles, etc that happened between them. I saw the difference in my parents and the other kids'.
They said they stayed together for me. They were fooling themselves.
Whatever reason you may or may not stay with him, kids want happy parents, kids are not idiots, they know when something's not right.
RainDreamer, BSN, RN
3,571 Posts
Dave, you are a funny man! :rotfl: