Are any of you that have done that going to follow through?
My husband is very controlling. I never really noticed it until being in school. I had some indication that he was somewhat prior to school that way but didn't realize how much until now. We have been together 15 years and have 2 children together so I have to consider them into my decision. I have worked the whole time we have been together except for the past 2 years while attending NS. That along with the time that he told me I would never complete NS has been my driving force to be successful. He makes the money so he thinks he has the power over me. I have to give an explanation for any money that I spend. I don't go out shopping everyday #1 b/c I don't have the time and #2 I tend to spend money that I could spend on me on my children. I have an alotted 40$/week and that covers gas and any misc. groceries that I need to purchase while he's gone. BTW he's an OTR truck driver so he is gone more than he is home which at times has left me broke several times when I have needed to take the kids to the doctor or buy OTC meds for them and when you figure in the price of gas these days it leaves me 20$.
The closer I get to graduation the more and more I am thinking about divorcing him. The only thing stopping me is my kids. We don't really have any kind of relationship.....we don't talk, we don't do anything together and I am actually to the point where I hate his guts. He is telling me all the time that I have to watch what I spend but yet he just went out and bought him a $27,000. dollar gas guzzler truck. BTW I would not have known about it until he drove up in the driveway had it not been for an email. He also tells me that I don't tell him things about what I am doing yet I do.........he makes me feel like I am loosing my mind and I start to doubt myself. He has never supported anything that I have done.
I am so upset that I have been crying for the past week and have been unable to contrate on studying for my finals which is next Monday. I want to talk to him but I am so hurt that I know I would be bumbling idiot in trying to get my point across.
Any advice on how to get my point across of how he has hurt me over the past two years? I feel like we are more of burden to him than anything else. Should I tell him that in a couple of months I won't need his money. I know that would be hateful but I am to that point where I just want to get back at him.
Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations and any advice whatsoever would be highly appreciated! Do you think he is feeling threatened because he will no longer have the power over me that he has had the past two years?
The safest way out is to make your emergency plan and go when you are ready. Don't say a word about any plans you are making, don't say anything to the kids. You can contact the local domestic violence support, whether its a shelter, or a community resource. They will give you help with your planning and support. Remember, an abuser ESCALATES behavior when a change is coming. Be smart and safe.
Thank you for having the courage to start this thread. I'm sure these issues been something you have been rehashing in your mind for years. I feel I have no real friends I could talk to about a similar situation because he has controlled and eliminated all my potential friends our whole marriage. I am isolated,too, but I take great comfort hearing the responses to your plight. I don't know which way my path will lead, but I am encouraged by reading the postings. I totally agree with those who have suggested you have a clear plan prior to any mention to ANYONE, including your spouse about the situation. I also agree that certain behaviors are not going to change. I think the controlling aspect is actually masking his deep insecurity, so demonstrating you really DON'T need him is going to be potentially an explosive catalyst. As we have said, the first priority (aside from safety) is finishing school and passing boards. It has always been my rock to know that I could continue to give my children a decent standard of living on my salary alone. It would require a lot of changes, but we could survive. I don't feel trapped as much as many of my 'friends' who have spouses who make a ton of money and control their standard of living. I think its all part of their need to control. "Keep the wifey unskilled or de-skilled so they have to depend on the big, vital provider." Grinnurse, you've put up with this for quite a while. Take a bit longer and make sure to plan it all out, then have a back up plan, too. You are not alone, none of us are. We often might feel like it, but there are people out there to help us. This forum, friends, clergy, counselors, and agencies. You are not alone.
Thank you for having the courage to start this thread. I'm sure these issues been something you have been rehashing in your mind for years. I feel I have no real friends I could talk to about a similar situation because he has controlled and eliminated all my potential friends our whole marriage. I am isolated,too, but I take great comfort hearing the responses to your plight. I don't know which way my path will lead, but I am encouraged by reading the postings. I totally agree with those who have suggested you have a clear plan prior to any mention to ANYONE, including your spouse about the situation. I also agree that certain behaviors are not going to change. I think the controlling aspect is actually masking his deep insecurity, so demonstrating you really DON'T need him is going to be potentially an explosive catalyst. As we have said, the first priority (aside from safety) is finishing school and passing boards. It has always been my rock to know that I could continue to give my children a decent standard of living on my salary alone. It would require a lot of changes, but we could survive. I don't feel trapped as much as many of my 'friends' who have spouses who make a ton of money and control their standard of living. I think its all part of their need to control. "Keep the wifey unskilled or de-skilled so they have to depend on the big, vital provider." Grinnurse, you've put up with this for quite a while. Take a bit longer and make sure to plan it all out, then have a back up plan, too. You are not alone, none of us are. We often might feel like it, but there are people out there to help us. This forum, friends, clergy, counselors, and agencies. You are not alone.
I agree, good luck guys and please please be safe and keep us posted! Dont forget there are men out there who are respectful and gentle and who will love and support you, you deserve that! dont let your current situations convince you otherwise!:)
capgirl
113 Posts
The safest way out is to make your emergency plan and go when you are ready. Don't say a word about any plans you are making, don't say anything to the kids. You can contact the local domestic violence support, whether its a shelter, or a community resource. They will give you help with your planning and support. Remember, an abuser ESCALATES behavior when a change is coming. Be smart and safe.