What? I can't put my mom in a nursing home!

sanctuary, BSN, MSN, RN · Dec 7, 2006

What a sad situation for everybody. What does your mom think? There are agencies that provide in-home care, as many insurance companies understand that it is cheaper to give her day help than 24 hr care. Start calling county and state Area Agency on Aging, and ask for an assessment for services. Maybe even AARP might know of services. There are places and programs to help. They might not be easy to locate but keep pushing. Others will have more and better ideas , but I did not want you to think no-one would reply.:icon_hug:

EmerNurse, BSN, RN · Dec 7, 2006

I don't have an answer either, but I wanted you to know that I'll put you and your family in prayers - what a difficult situation!!

OC_An Khe · Dec 7, 2006

Yes this is a dificult situation. Do look into all types of govenment assistance. Look for help for yourself also. Sometimes a live in aide is less expensive then a nursing home and or assisted living. I have found through direct family expirience that there are no really good answers in this situation.

Trauma Columnist · Dec 7, 2006

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have been in this position with both parents and it is very hard.

1. Is your Mother on Medicaid (or the CA equivalent)? If so, contact her case worker to get a list of Medicaid-approved assisted living facilities and go and see them and get her on EVERY waiting list (where I live in IL, the wait can be several years). So, hedge your bets and get on every list.

2. Does your mother have assets? If so, check into the cost of private pay assisted living facilities that are sliding scale based on income.

3. Contact any senior citizen agencies in your area. Start with geriatric medical practices - they can sometimes provide resources and/or a contact person.

4. Contact any assisted living facilities that you are interested in and see what they can suggest.

5. Last, don't feel guilty. You will have a better relationship with your Mother and brother, when you aren't so stressed and she is being well taken care of.

JentheRN05, RN · Dec 7, 2006

My grandparents (moms parents) ended up living with my mom and dad until they passed. However my father is unemployed, but was paid somehow by the state to take care of grandma and grandpa. So that helped out. Not sure how they did it. It was in Michigan.

Wish you the best and keeping you in my thoughts.

jschut, BSN, RN · Dec 7, 2006

Churchie, I feel for you. As the others have said, start with phone calls. Make them to the Ombudsman in your area. Check with the Social Service people at the local hospital, maybe that will help. Maybe even a church in the area would be able to suggest something.

My Mom recently moved in with me, and I take care care of her. Right now, it's easy, but I 'm sure, as time goes on....

I am close to failing this semester of school (senior year....one semester to go) because of caring for Mom. My brother hasn't even SEEN our Mom since her surgery (cancer surgery in July), but has expected me to drive 3.5 hrs one way every week, take off work, and every thing else, while he does nothing.

Lots has changed recently, but I am taking it day by day.

You hang on and hang in there. Don't feel guilty. Your Mom knows you need your sanity too.

{{{HUGS}}} to you.

God bless.....

BSNtobe2009 · Dec 7, 2006

I am so sorry for you! I don't think there is anything wrong when you have to choice but to put a loved one in a nursing home. I just think there is something wrong with abandoning someone in one....you don't seem like the type of person that would do that.

When you finish nursing school, you may be able to help her more when your income increases.

Jo Dirt · Dec 7, 2006

I feel for you very much.

Assisted living here in Tennessee is around $2600/monthly, but I understand California has a much higher cost of living.

If she has medicare you could get home health services which would include physical therapy, perhaps a nurse visit once weekly, and an aide to come in three times a week to help with a bath.

And do not feel guilty for having to put her in a nursing home. Most likely she will understand, and I am sure she does not want to be a burden.

Lacie, BSN, RN · Dec 7, 2006

Dependant on how much SS she recieves she may also qualify for medicaid in conjunction with her medicare which may cover the cost of nursing home care or an assisted living facility. Definitely contact Social services and also your local association on aging as they can help you with some decision making and locating an appropriate facility. Dont feel bad if you need to do this. I watched my mother care in home for my grandmother for over 8 years who was bed-ridden from a CVA. She could only move her right arm and head. My mother literally shut herself in the home with her never leaving not even to go to the store. I love my mom but I dont think I could do what she did (now that's dedication). She had 12 brothers and sisters also and not one of them offered any relief or assistance. My mom even sold soda and candy out the back door to local kids to be able to care for her mother. Sad state that our elderly live in poverty if they dont have enough family members to do the care. It's a difficult decision but you must do what is best for you and your mother in the long run. There's only so much one person can do without giving up thier own life and dreams.

P_RN, ADN, RN · Dec 7, 2006

I am in SC and i had the same situation last Christmas. I tried SO hard to do what I thought was right.Mama cried, hit out, wouldn't eat, wandered all over.

Mama is fairly healthy physically, some arthritis, but has vascular dementia. Assisted living places are more expensive than nursing homes.

What you do HERE is contact Medicaid and ask for an evaluation for "nursing home Medicaid" it is different than plain Medicaid that pays meds etc. It coordinates with Medicare to cover. Her whole social security check except for $30 goes to the ecf. The $30 is for beauty shop and miscellaneous items.

Medicaid will contact Community Long Term Care (again this is SC don't know about Calif.) A nurse from CLTC came to the house and interviewed Mama.

The hardest part was having to locate a NH ourselves who had "Medicaid Beds."

Mama went from not eating, not getting dressed, not even remembering to go to the bathroom, to getting up, getting a shower, playing bingo after breakfast in the dining room. Once a week they have line dancing (wheelchairs count) and pet therapy etc. She has her hair fixed once a week.. In short Mama is happy. I felt like a miserable daughter, my sister accused me of putting Mama away. It took a while.

NO you aren't an awful daughter. If your sibs are tellling you that then they are denying the truth. Your Mama needs care now. You don't have the resources or the energy to do it alone. Let your sibs stew about whatever they want to.

Please consider this. Oh and if Mom's SS check is low ask if she can get SS based on the hub that left her. I can see you love your mama, now start loving yourself.

Katnip, RN · Dec 7, 2006

My husband's aunt was in assisted living near L.A. and was paying 3K a month.