What? I can't put my mom in a nursing home!

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Hello everyone,

I am very sad. I have been sad for the past 2.5 years and I want to know what you think. My mom suffered a massive stroke in July of 2004 which left her left side paralized and she is on social security. To make things worse, my step-dad left and we lost the house. I have finally come to realize that I cannot take care of her in the way that she needs to be taken care of and live my life as well. Have any of you gone through this where you had debated doing this for your loved one and regretted it? Or situations where both of you ended up happy? I moved back to help out the situation after moving to California for almost two years. I think that I just sort of had a nervous breakdown and had to leave because I couldn't handle working full-time, going to school full-time, and being the only sibling who is not adding fuel to the fire of this horrible situation. I am so depressed and I don't know how we can even afford to do this. I am not a nurse, yet....just finishing up pre-requests in spring so that I can apply for the program. Since I have moved back in with her and my older brother I can't stand living in this situation and I hate admiting that. Do you think a nursing home is too much? I wanted to get her just assisted living, but I don't think that we can afford it. What does assisted living usually cost? We are just so hostile and impatient with each other and please believe me that I am not normally like that at all. I feel like such a female dog, but I don't know how I can better the situation. Your advice is greatly appreciated. :crying2:

Hi Chuchie,

I know this is a really hard thing for you to go through. For the last year 1-2 years I helped my mom care for her great Aunt (She was the sole support system). She found it very difficult, but we tried for as long as we could to keep my G-G Aunt at home. We found that there were different agencies in the area that would offer "free" hours each week. So for instance one would come in 6 hours a week, another 4 hrs, etc (ours were St. Elizabeths, Red Cross, VON, etc.. but they are probably different in the states). Talk to your local 'Access Centre' (place that supports seniors, and helps with nursing home situations), they can possibly give you a list of different resources to help. If it would help you cope by having 'time off' then that would be great, it could even help reduce the costs for yourself.

Anyways, best of luck, keep looking because there is help!

Take Care,

Canada Proud

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Specializes in Looking for a career in NICU.

I think you can get a live-in companion at a fraction of the cost.

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

Some very good advice from the others. I have none to add.Just want to send you my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry.

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My father told me that he wants us to put him in a nursing home, but to make sure that we put him in one with lots of older ladies so he can chase them around in his wheelchair. He just doesn't want to be a burden. I don't know what I will do when he gets older. I hope I will be able to provide in home care. I wish you and your family the best.

One more thought. My grandmother was ailing, and my family wanted me to take care of her daily. They even gave me $50/day. (I was a CNA) I stayed with her during the day to help with her needs. I was there at her bedside when she breathed her last breath at home. She called out my name and I was there to hold her hand.

What about hiring family or a friend? They have the love and trust your Mother needs.

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Specializes in everywhere.

I have been there. My mother is a 12 year heart transplant receipient, IDDM, ileostomy, dumping syndrome, COPD, etc. In 2004, she started declining rapidly, I got her on CBA (community based alternatives), they remodeled her bathroom to be handicapped assessible and she got 6 hours of assistance. Unfortunately that only lasted 4 months, her health kept declining and dad and I couldn't keep up with everuthing she needed, we had to place her in a nursing home. That was extremely hard for me to do. Mom and dad made me POA and left the decision to me.

I have 3 much older sisters and one older brother, I never lived with my parents growing up, instead, my maternal grandmother raised me. My siblings are "too busy" to help with mom's Dr. appointments or anything mom or dad need. I live 45 minutes away, but manage to meet her Dr. appointments and meet mom and dads needs.

Do I resent mom for putting me in this position? Sometimes I get very frustrated, but I love my mom and I still second guess myself. But all in all I just want her to be cared for. Sometimes I think I drive the nursing home staff batty with all my questions, but all I want is the best for mom. I do feel guilty, but, at the same time, I really didn't have a choice.

Best of luck to you and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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Specializes in Community Health, Med-Surg, Home Health.

I am sorry to hear that this is going on. I don't have much to contribute in terms of advice, because most of it seemed to have been covered here, but I wish you love and healing in the future.

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Specializes in PMHNP.

Thank you so much everyone, again it's really appreciated. She is in Minnesota, I had moved back here from California and I was thinking about getting her a senior apt. and then finding out what the cost of someone just comming in during the day and then I can help her out with her showers 3x's a week and make a trip to the grocery store and pharmacy once a week. Do you think that would be most cost effective? She mostly needs help with showers, errands, getting dressed, and helping her with her medications......and someone to keep her company. Due to her anemia she just goes out in about in her wheelchair where before she could walk with a four-quad cane. Therefore, she is asking me to get her something every five minutes and it's driving me crazy.

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First off I just want to say that I am sorry you have to be faced with this decision. When I think to the future to when my parents may need to be cared for the last think I would want to do is put them in a nursing home, just as i am sure you never imagined you would either.

However, hearing your situation, maybe it could be a temporary solution just until you are able to complete nursing school and are able to afford better care for your mom. Also, have you tried looking into nurses that do home visits? Depending on home much assistance you mom needs this could be an alternative. Or how about if one of your siblings took care of her for a couple years and once you finished with school you could get together and decide what actions you might take next. If you do end up having to go with a nursing home just make sure to do the research and make sure they provide good care and resources. While a nursing home should be a last resort, if you have looked to alternative but really just cannot afford it or nothing else seems to pan out just remember a nursing home doesnt have to be permanent commitment.

Although it may seem selfish at first you should be concernced with your future as well. You dont want to be left with resentment because you had to care for your mom and forfeit nursing. Plus nursing can provide you with financial stability that can allow you to take your mom out of a nursing home into an assisted living community.

Hope this helps and good luck with your decision!

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If you call your Mom's insurance they should have an endless list of resources for you or at least have contact numbers for you to get started with. (I used to work for a senior health insurance company in my state). Also, you can contact the stroke association in your area or a stroke support group. They may be able to provide you with which facilities may be best for your mom's specific needs. I wish you the best....it's a tough decision. To give you reassurance, I have a niece that requires intensive 24 / 7 care. Over the last 22 years my brother and sister in law have been able to keep her home primarily because of the awsome care and dedication of home health nursing. My brother works full time and my sister in law works part time and goes to school full time. They are also able to go out every know and then on the weekends. It's tough but it can be done.

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in your particular situation i think that the nursing home solution maybe be the best at least for the time being

i think that you need some rest

nursing school is stressful enough. if you can get some help during this time

when you are self supporting you can make other arrangements

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